Venting (Potentially) Last 30 Days

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

I quit my job and I've spent the last couple days cleaning, watching anime, reading manga, and playing games. And that's pretty much what I intend to do until the end.
I am applying to jobs, but I dont really expect to get one, and I want to give my mom my money when I'm gone so I dont want to spend a lot of it with nothing coming in. Thus, one month.
I'm going to be visiting my family this weekend and it feels really weird to think it's probably the last time I'll see them. I dont want to cry when I'm there so I've been trying to not think about it.
I know setting head dates for ctb is a bit extreme, I'll look pretty foolish if I'm still here in late March/April.
I simultaneously feel a sense of peace and fear. Peace because it'll all be over, as I cant keep up with the world. Fear because I dont want to die. I dont want to die but I cant seem to be able to do the things I need to live. I'm annoying and I piss people off, my degree is useless and going back to school wont change anything except add debt. I genuinely cant see how I could feasibly make it to 30, let alone next year.
I'm probably annoying here too. Sorry about that

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I'm concerned for you. I get the feeling you're very young. Can I ask what your reason is to want to ctb?

 

[newave3]

You have nothing to apologize for. It is perfectly normal to have both fear and a sense of peace about dying. Many of us can't keep up with this world and want to die yet are fearful of what happens after death.

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

I'm concerned for you. I get the feeling you're very young. Can I ask what your reason is to want to ctb?

I'm 24, so I'm not a minor at least lol. My reasons are for exactly as I said. I cant keep up with life. I cant get a decent job where I'm not over worked and under paid, I cant afford an apartment where I'm not woken up by the landlord's screaming children every day, let alone my own house. I dont have anything I want to do or anywhere I want to go anymore. The world is awful, people are awful.
The first time I vocalized suicidal intent was 5th grade, where my entire grade bullied me. I told my mom if she didnt switch me schools I'd kill myself. The suicidalness has be on and off since then, but it's been nearly always on for a year or two now.
I dont fit in and I cant keep up. For all this and more I want to ctb.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I'm 24, so I'm not a minor at least lol. My reasons are for exactly as I said. I cant keep up with life. I cant get a decent job where I'm not over worked and under paid, I cant afford an apartment where I'm not woken up by the landlord's screaming children every day, let alone my own house. I dont have anything I want to do or anywhere I want to go anymore. The world is awful, people are awful.
The first time I vocalized suicidal intent was 5th grade, where my entire grade bullied me. I told my mom if she didnt switch me schools I'd kill myself. The suicidalness has be on and off since then, but it's been nearly always on for a year or two now.
I dont fit in and I cant keep up. For all this and more I want to ctb.

I can relate. Thank you for responding

 

[Spiral]

Success or death are not the only options and if as you said, you don't want to die then there is always another way. I am not a pro-lifer, but I do feel that ctb should be a last resort for those who want to die, you can't un-die so if you really don't want to do it then don't force yourself, get help instead.

 

[Cronetappingout]

Hugs. Dont be sorry for having your feelings. We are all entitled to our own feelings. Also it sounds like you are probably a male since they get told to man up and suck it up their whole life. You ARE allowed to have feelings. I hope something will work out for you. You are still young and your brain hasnt even finished growing yet. Sending you hugs for now and if you are still around in the spring I do hope you are. Feeling like this all the time sucks. It has been a long rough year. Dont feel like you have pressure now that you have made a date you may or may not use. I am much older than you and sometimes life just has a funny way of working out just the same as it has a funny way of going to crap at times.

 

[Spiral]

Ps. A job on a cruise ship would solve all the fixable problems, accommodation provided, food provided, free travel & experiences, you are not on land, so you don't get taxed that helps to not feel underpaid, and you don't need a lot of qualifications to do it. Pick the easiest job they have like breakfast attendant, or waiter or porter. Also, you won't have to spend any money, so you can save a lot. That is just one idea but there are plenty of easier lives you can choose. I hope that provides some inspiration
People are still shits though

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

Success or death are not the only options and if as you said, you don't want to die then there is always another way. I am not a pro-lifer, but I do feel that ctb should be a last resort for those who want to die, you can't un-die so if you really don't want to do it then don't force yourself, get help instead.

Help, hasn't well, helped. I've done a lot of therapy and drugs, councilling, been sectioned, none of it actually helps

Hugs. Dont be sorry for having your feelings. We are all entitled to our own feelings. Also it sounds like you are probably a male since they get told to man up and suck it up their whole life. You ARE allowed to have feelings. I hope something will work out for you. You are still young and your brain hasnt even finished growing yet. Sending you hugs for now and if you are still around in the spring I do hope you are. Feeling like this all the time sucks. It has been a long rough year. Dont feel like you have pressure now that you have made a date you may or may not use. I am much older than you and sometimes life just has a funny way of working out just the same as it has a funny way of going to crap at times.

I'm female lol. I know I'm "allowed" to have feelings, but no one is really "allowed" to express them with others. The job I just quit forced me to tell them I was suicidal and then told me to "put it on a shelf" aka dont talk about it or express it. That's true of most people/jobs. They'll say they want to support you and want to know how you're doing but they actually dont. Its like when someone says "how are you" as a greeting, they dont actually want an answer outside of something like "I'm good, how are you?".
I might be technically young, but really I've lived almost a third of the expected lifetime. The first third hasn't been great so I dont see why I should force myself to struggle through the other two thirds. Look at the state of the world, the economy. It's not getting better. Which is only going to make things worse for me if I choose to continue. I'm fed up and tired

 

[aminend]

Can I ask ur method

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

Can I ask ur method

Hanging. Its unfortunately the most foolproof and available method for me. Partial or full isnt decided.