Help Please read, I need someone to tell me if I’m being reasonable. (Thinking about ctb)

[stitchez]

26m here. First of thank you to whoever reads this.
I have been actively reading many threads regarding ctb methods for a little over a month now and thought it's time for me to try making a post as I'm a little lost.

I have I tried to ctb once already late January early February, I was intrigued by the idea of a helium exit bag and went out one night late after having a disagreement with my partner and purchased everything I thought I'd need to do it somewhere quite in the car. Little did I know that most helium tanks you can buy in every day stores contain 21% oxygen as a safety measure so my exit bag was not a success to say the least. I only found this out after rigging everything up and filling it, after several minutes I realised something must've been wrong and that's where I found out my issue.

Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and have been researching many other methods and have come to the conclusion of partial hang with a bondage rope I have, compressing the carotid artery.

For context I'm a step father of a now 3 year old boy, he is beautiful and I love him with all of my heart, his real father isn't in the picture and I have been there as his father figure since the age of 1 and as far as I'm concerned I am his father and that's how he sees me as well.
The last few months my partner and I haven't exactly been doing so great and we're having little arguments as couples do from time to time, quite often caused by the child as raising a toddler can be very hard and stressful for both parties, we both seem to have different ideas for parenting and don't always see eye to eye, she thinks I'm a little bit too hard on him where as I feel like she's a little too soft and afraid to say no and that's how things have been for a while. Basically we just aren't exactly on the same page with parenting in some aspects and it's causing issues now. I'm sure I can go into so much more detail regarding all the specifics here, but I don't to make this too long of a read.

Now within the last few months whenever we do have a disagreement it almost always turns into a moment of her telling me she hates me and can't wait to never see me again and proceeds to rapidly apply for houses which hurts my feeling a lot as that entails her taking my son away and as his step father I have absolutely no rights and I find it really hard to grasp the idea of never seeing him again. I have expressed how that makes me feel and that I find it unfair but she calls me selfish for not putting her and his feelings before my own if I truly do love them.

I just can't see myself living without the two of them in my life, I don't know what the point of living would be if not to come home to my partner and child and every day she just seems to grow colder towards me and resent me even more. The only reason she's still here is because she's feels trapped due to the rental market being horrible at the moment and us not being in the best financial situation, living week to week. The good days we have when things seem happy and normal bring me hope but are short as it seems like it's becoming increasingly easier to trigger a moment where I'm reminded that she hates me and can't wait until her and him never have to see me again and I feel as if ctb is the only option for myself, 1. it will set her free and she can have the freedom she very much so desires from me 2. I can't bare the idea of living without her and my son in my life nor can I bare the idea of her being with anyone else.

Am I being irrational?

 

[Waterfall500]

Fair play for being brave enough to talk about this. I dont think you are being irrational but coming from my own experience. I had a friend when I was younger, probably when I was 4 or 5 and he had a step-dad. They were very close and I always remember my friend would light up whenever he came to collect him. His ctb broke him. My friend was never the same after that and he left with his mum to move to another country a few years later.

I'm not trying to put pressure on you or anything but I know that your son will definitely miss you as he grows up without his father figure.

 

[stitchez]

Fair play for being brave enough to talk about this. I dont think you are being irrational but coming from my own experience. I had a friend when I was younger, probably when I was 4 or 5 and he had a step-dad. They were very close and I always remember my friend would light up whenever he came to collect him. His ctb broke him. My friend was never the same after that and he left with his mum to move to another country a few years later.

I'm not trying to put pressure on you or anything but I know that your son will definitely miss you as he grows up without his father

I hear you I do and your words cut deep, made me cry which I think I needed I've been so numb lately.

I think my biggest fear and issue is her choice of wording, she's always saying how she can't wait until she can move out so they never have to see me again which to me implies id never get to see him and as i'm only a step father I can't really fight for rights because realistically I have none you know?

I know me and her don't see eye to eye on things and both of us coming from a troubled childhood she wants to give our son a better life than what we had but I just feel as if shes too easy on him and will let him do pretty much whatever he wants and he can do no wrong, which just worries me as it could create some bad habits as he grows older and wiser. For a long time I've had a voice and been able to push back on things but lately she's been saying I have to ultimately do things by her books and or run everything by her which is valid though if I slip up in anyway shape or form it kicks something off, the more times I slip up the more rights I lose as a father in her words. It's gotten to the point where she sometimes will argue that I am not his father at all which breaks my heart and I'm just worried she really will leave and never allow me to see him again.

 

[AlexYaBoy]

26m here. First of thank you to whoever reads this.
I have been actively reading many threads regarding ctb methods for a little over a month now and thought it's time for me to try making a post as I'm a little lost.

I have I tried to ctb once already late January early February, I was intrigued by the idea of a helium exit bag and went out one night late after having a disagreement with my partner and purchased everything I thought I'd need to do it somewhere quite in the car. Little did I know that most helium tanks you can buy in every day stores contain 21% oxygen as a safety measure so my exit bag was not a success to say the least. I only found this out after rigging everything up and filling it, after several minutes I realised something must've been wrong and that's where I found out my issue.

Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and have been researching many other methods and have come to the conclusion of partial hang with a bondage rope I have, compressing the carotid artery.

For context I'm a step father of a now 3 year old boy, he is beautiful and I love him with all of my heart, his real father isn't in the picture and I have been there as his father figure since the age of 1 and as far as I'm concerned I am his father and that's how he sees me as well.
The last few months my partner and I haven't exactly been doing so great and we're having little arguments as couples do from time to time, quite often caused by the child as raising a toddler can be very hard and stressful for both parties, we both seem to have different ideas for parenting and don't always see eye to eye, she thinks I'm a little bit too hard on him where as I feel like she's a little too soft and afraid to say no and that's how things have been for a while. Basically we just aren't exactly on the same page with parenting in some aspects and it's causing issues now. I'm sure I can go into so much more detail regarding all the specifics here, but I don't to make this too long of a read.

Now within the last few months whenever we do have a disagreement it almost always turns into a moment of her telling me she hates me and can't wait to never see me again and proceeds to rapidly apply for houses which hurts my feeling a lot as that entails her taking my son away and as his step father I have absolutely no rights and I find it really hard to grasp the idea of never seeing him again. I have expressed how that makes me feel and that I find it unfair but she calls me selfish for not putting her and his feelings before my own if I truly do love them.

I just can't see myself living without the two of them in my life, I don't know what the point of living would be if not to come home to my partner and child and every day she just seems to grow colder towards me and resent me even more. The only reason she's still here is because she's feels trapped due to the rental market being horrible at the moment and us not being in the best financial situation, living week to week. The good days we have when things seem happy and normal bring me hope but are short as it seems like it's becoming increasingly easier to trigger a moment where I'm reminded that she hates me and can't wait until her and him never have to see me again and I feel as if ctb is the only option for myself, 1. it will set her free and she can have the freedom she very much so desires from me 2. I can't bare the idea of living without her and my son in my life nor can I bare the idea of her being with anyone else.

Am I being irrational?

In the same situation, but I'm the biological father. I'd wait. Just wait. It'll get better, in time. Trust.

 

[stitchez]

In the same situation, but I'm the biological father. I'd wait. Just wait. It'll get better, in time. Trust.

I see, what sort of issues are you having if you don't mind me asking. And what steps have you taken to help improve said issues.

Are you both still together parenting the child together?

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

The most rational action on your part is quite plain to see and could be the most cathartic decision you'd ever make in you life.

That is, CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE REGARDING THE WHOLE SITUATION. Humble yourself and be supportive of your wife's parenting style.

Nothing in your post mentioned that your wife is being a bad mother nor is she being an abusive partner. Your description of your marital impasse sounds like it's coming from a rational and fair-minded person. Yet the remedy being offered here for consideration--that of suicide--is a complete turnaround from rationality that it might as well have been proposed by a different individual. (YES, that's coming from me, a suicidal person who is absolutely serious about catching the bus this month.)

I say CATHARTIC because changing your perspective in this situation might lead you to some soul-searching journey where you end up upending your philosophy in life. Where you become selfless, more empathetic. Where you incorporate compassion and gratefulness in your life on the daily.

One last thing, mate. ACCEPTANCE is the answer.

 

[AlexYaBoy]

I see, what sort of issues are you having if you don't mind me asking. And what steps have you taken to help improve said issues.

Are you both still together parenting the child together?

No harm, no foul. We weren't the best people to be in a relationship, together. Both very damaged. I don't see him, anymore. As JezebelDuLioncourt said, acceptance is important, and it's typically the final step in the healing process. Some people won't change, so accepting them as they are is the only solution. You should also love yourself, but not to a fault.

"Holding a grudge is like drinking cyanide, and expecting the other person to die from it."

 

[stitchez]

The most rational action on your part is quite plain to see and could be the most cathartic decision you'd ever make in you life.

That is, CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE REGARDING THE WHOLE SITUATION. Humble yourself and be supportive of your wife's parenting style.

Nothing in your post mentioned that your wife is being a bad mother nor is she being an abusive partner. Your description of your marital impasse sounds like it's coming from a rational and fair-minded person. Yet the remedy being offered here for consideration--that of suicide--is a complete turnaround from rationality that it might as well have been proposed by a different individual. (YES, that's coming from me, a suicidal person who is absolutely serious about catching the bus this month.)

I say CATHARTIC because changing your perspective in this situation might lead you to some soul-searching journey where you end up upending your philosophy in life. Where you become selfless, more empathetic. Where you incorporate compassion and gratefulness in your life on the daily.

One last thing, mate. ACCEPTANCE is the answer.

You're 100% correct in that statement, I do not think she's a bad mother in anyway shape or form in fact I think she is an incredible mother.

By no means am I not supportive of her parenting style either. I recently have taken a step back and just kind of been following her lead and occasionally I might step in and raise my voice (which she does not like) if he acts violent towards her or myself as he's been struggling to regulate his emotions and hits us sometimes.

This is an issue we have been working on for quite a few months maybe 8 now I'd say I couldn't tell you exactly. In the beginning she bottled any concerns or things she didn't like up and eventually after a year or so we sat down and had a huge chat about it all the things she doesn't like and how she thinks I could improve ect which I totally respected her for as it clearly was not an easy thing for her to do and I love her even more for that.

I think what I'm finding difficult here is the lack of patience shown towards me trying to work on these issues she's proposed i change.
I think because she's bottled it up for so long it does bother her a lot but if I want to touch base on anything or talk things over again to try and understand better she just reiterates that we've spoken about this and I should be listening to her and plays it to me being ignorant and not caring or wanting to listen which is the opposite.

she's been very cold towards me for quite a few months now and is very quick to snap doesn't really show me much love or attention and I've been sleeping on the couch for almost 2 months now.

If I slip up even slightly she's messaging anyone she can think of and trying to book hotels and find a place for her/ our boy to go usually followed up by how much she hates me and stating how she can't wait until they never have to see me again. Some time will pass and I can only assume due to her not being able to find anything she apologises for stating that she hates me and that she let her emotions get the better of her. Although I can't help but feel like she's only saying that to keep the peace and make things less uncomfortable as we still have to live together.

Deep down I feel like she hates me more then she leads on and it breaks my heart, by no means do I feel like I am as horrible of a father as she paints me out to be and all of this just breaks my heart.

I will admit that I do struggle with remembering things from time to time and I have made a habit of writing them down now to help me remember, I know I can be a little hard on the boy sometimes and have a short temper. I guess I just want her to acknowledge that I'm trying really hard and it's not like a have no desire to improve and I want to be a better father and partner but it doesn't seem like she's willing to wait and see she's given me till the 25th of this month to fix everything and change or else she's leaving my life.

I have tried seeking therapy as I had a very troubled child hood (a lot of domestic voice and a very abusive father towards me and my mother physically as well as verbally) which she thinks may be a reason why I am the way I am but it's so god damn expensive and I can't justify it we struggle enough as it is and are barley living week to week.

I'm lost.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

After reading your post and your answers, I think the issue is not the parenting style difference or anything related to the child. I actually think the issue is the couple, you and her. She can apologise how much she wants but what she is saying to you cuts deep and her actions are also quite offensive and a bit childish I'd say. Quickly looking for houses or hotels is really sticking the knife where it hurts and turning it.

Now with the last ultimatum of you having to fix everything or you're out, she is not even being explicit about what you have to fix. Do you know what you need to do to be able to succeed? I don't think you do and I don't think she does either.

I'm obviously outside of all this so I may be wrong but, from the perspective of a stranger on the Internet that only has your words to form an opinion from, I think there is something else much deeper affecting her that she hasn't communicated properly. I think the issue is something in the relationship that isn't going well or something on her side, and instead of exposing what that is, you are only feeling the consequences of that reflected on other topics: the parenting.

I'm saying all of this because if the issue was only the parenting, she wouldn't withdraw from you as much, she wouldn't be so quick to try and run away. She would get mad when things didn't go as she wanted them to but things would subside. I think she is very impatient to jump ship and you gotta figure out the core reason of that.

 

[Forveleth]

After reading your post and your answers, I think the issue is not the parenting style difference or anything related to the child. I actually think the issue is the couple, you and her. She can apologise how much she wants but what she is saying to you cuts deep and her actions are also quite offensive and a bit childish I'd say. Quickly looking for houses or hotels is really sticking the knife where it hurts and turning it.

Now with the last ultimatum of you having to fix everything or you're out, she is not even being explicit about what you have to fix. Do you know what you need to do to be able to succeed? I don't think you do and I don't think she does either.

I'm obviously outside of all this so I may be wrong but, from the perspective of a stranger on the Internet that only has your words to form an opinion from, I think there is something else much deeper affecting her that she hasn't communicated properly. I think the issue is something in the relationship that isn't going well or something on her side, and instead of exposing what that is, you are only feeling the consequences of that reflected on other topics: the parenting.

I'm saying all of this because if the issue was only the parenting, she wouldn't withdraw from you as much, she wouldn't be so quick to try and run away. She would get mad when things didn't go as she wanted them to but things would subside. I think she is very impatient to jump ship and you gotta figure out the core reason of that.

I will second everything said here. It's clear there is something else going on with her more than just parenting style.

On the matter of parenting style, parenting should be a united front. Having two different reactions from two different parents will just create confusion and an unstable environment for your child which leads to anxiety for them. However, I do also agree with your stance of disagreeing with her parenting style. While I don't think shouting should be used against children (it left me with some issues) I also don't think the road of no discipline is correct either. The two of you need to strike a balance and agree to stick with it. The fact that you seem to have wanted that and she wouldn't follow through shows that there are other issues present.

At the risk of sounding like the old person I am, you are still young. At 26, your frontal lobe has only just finished forming. Assuming your partner is around the same age, the two of you are really just now figuring out how to make good decisions and think critically about long-term effects of your actions so it's going to be a bit rough.

But this also means your life isn't over. If things don't work out for the two of you and you end up needing to leave the relationship, yes it will be painful, but you have plenty of time to find a relationship with a great partner and children where she won't be screaming at you over every little thing. This isn't your last chance at happiness and, quite frankly, it doesn't look like you have it anyway.

TL;DR: There's more than just parenting styles going on here. Things may not work out but you have plenty of life ahead of you. Suicide is too drastic for this situation.

 

[Endisclose]

You're 100% correct in that statement, I do not think she's a bad mother in anyway shape or form in fact I think she is an incredible mother.

By no means am I not supportive of her parenting style either. I recently have taken a step back and just kind of been following her lead and occasionally I might step in and raise my voice (which she does not like) if he acts violent towards her or myself as he's been struggling to regulate his emotions and hits us sometimes.

This is an issue we have been working on for quite a few months maybe 8 now I'd say I couldn't tell you exactly. In the beginning she bottled any concerns or things she didn't like up and eventually after a year or so we sat down and had a huge chat about it all the things she doesn't like and how she thinks I could improve ect which I totally respected her for as it clearly was not an easy thing for her to do and I love her even more for that.

I think what I'm finding difficult here is the lack of patience shown towards me trying to work on these issues she's proposed i change.
I think because she's bottled it up for so long it does bother her a lot but if I want to touch base on anything or talk things over again to try and understand better she just reiterates that we've spoken about this and I should be listening to her and plays it to me being ignorant and not caring or wanting to listen which is the opposite.

she's been very cold towards me for quite a few months now and is very quick to snap doesn't really show me much love or attention and I've been sleeping on the couch for almost 2 months now.

If I slip up even slightly she's messaging anyone she can think of and trying to book hotels and find a place for her/ our boy to go usually followed up by how much she hates me and stating how she can't wait until they never have to see me again. Some time will pass and I can only assume due to her not being able to find anything she apologises for stating that she hates me and that she let her emotions get the better of her. Although I can't help but feel like she's only saying that to keep the peace and make things less uncomfortable as we still have to live together.

Deep down I feel like she hates me more then she leads on and it breaks my heart, by no means do I feel like I am as horrible of a father as she paints me out to be and all of this just breaks my heart.

I will admit that I do struggle with remembering things from time to time and I have made a habit of writing them down now to help me remember, I know I can be a little hard on the boy sometimes and have a short temper. I guess I just want her to acknowledge that I'm trying really hard and it's not like a have no desire to improve and I want to be a better father and partner but it doesn't seem like she's willing to wait and see she's given me till the 25th of this month to fix everything and change or else she's leaving my life.

I have tried seeking therapy as I had a very troubled child hood (a lot of domestic voice and a very abusive father towards me and my mother physically as well as verbally) which she thinks may be a reason why I am the way I am but it's so god damn expensive and I can't justify it we struggle enough as it is and are barley living week to week.

I'm lost.

You have to let her go man. You're young. Find someone else with whom you can get your own kid. The more you cling to her, the worse it will get I promise you that. What you're going through is called cognitive dissonance.

"Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time."

Cognitive dissonance: Definition, effects, and examples

Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person can experience when their behavior does not align with their beliefs. Learn more here.

www.medicalnewstoday.com

She says she is willing to give you a chance, but her actions don't bear that out. She has already made up her mind. The sooner you make peace with that idea, the better it is for you. Let her go and save yourself now. I know cause I got got hung up about some people and got gaslighted pretty badly. You're going through the same thing.

I kept hurting myself as I didn't see the writing on the wall. It's too late for me now. The cognitive dissonance kept triggering my mania for over a year and I kept hurting myself.. Had an accident 4 years ago because of it and have been living in chronic pain since then and am about to ctb shortly as I've had enough of the hell my life has become in the last 4 to 5 years. Trust me. Walk away from her NOW.. and don't look back.

There's a book called "Of human bondage" by Somerset Maugham that details this sort of angst in a similar relationship. Read the book if you can or at least read the story in Wikipedia or something.. There's even a classic film version.. I'd recommend the book though if you have time. I hope you understand what I am saying. Feel free to PM me if you want. I want you to learn from my experience and not suffer and die .

 

[MeltingBrain]

26m here. First of thank you to whoever reads this.
I have been actively reading many threads regarding ctb methods for a little over a month now and thought it's time for me to try making a post as I'm a little lost.

I have I tried to ctb once already late January early February, I was intrigued by the idea of a helium exit bag and went out one night late after having a disagreement with my partner and purchased everything I thought I'd need to do it somewhere quite in the car. Little did I know that most helium tanks you can buy in every day stores contain 21% oxygen as a safety measure so my exit bag was not a success to say the least. I only found this out after rigging everything up and filling it, after several minutes I realised something must've been wrong and that's where I found out my issue.

Since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and have been researching many other methods and have come to the conclusion of partial hang with a bondage rope I have, compressing the carotid artery.

For context I'm a step father of a now 3 year old boy, he is beautiful and I love him with all of my heart, his real father isn't in the picture and I have been there as his father figure since the age of 1 and as far as I'm concerned I am his father and that's how he sees me as well.
The last few months my partner and I haven't exactly been doing so great and we're having little arguments as couples do from time to time, quite often caused by the child as raising a toddler can be very hard and stressful for both parties, we both seem to have different ideas for parenting and don't always see eye to eye, she thinks I'm a little bit too hard on him where as I feel like she's a little too soft and afraid to say no and that's how things have been for a while. Basically we just aren't exactly on the same page with parenting in some aspects and it's causing issues now. I'm sure I can go into so much more detail regarding all the specifics here, but I don't to make this too long of a read.

Now within the last few months whenever we do have a disagreement it almost always turns into a moment of her telling me she hates me and can't wait to never see me again and proceeds to rapidly apply for houses which hurts my feeling a lot as that entails her taking my son away and as his step father I have absolutely no rights and I find it really hard to grasp the idea of never seeing him again. I have expressed how that makes me feel and that I find it unfair but she calls me selfish for not putting her and his feelings before my own if I truly do love them.

I just can't see myself living without the two of them in my life, I don't know what the point of living would be if not to come home to my partner and child and every day she just seems to grow colder towards me and resent me even more. The only reason she's still here is because she's feels trapped due to the rental market being horrible at the moment and us not being in the best financial situation, living week to week. The good days we have when things seem happy and normal bring me hope but are short as it seems like it's becoming increasingly easier to trigger a moment where I'm reminded that she hates me and can't wait until her and him never have to see me again and I feel as if ctb is the only option for myself, 1. it will set her free and she can have the freedom she very much so desires from me 2. I can't bare the idea of living without her and my son in my life nor can I bare the idea of her being with anyone else.

Am I being irrational?

It takes a very special person to take someone else's child and to see him as your own . I can't highlight enough how kind that gesture is .
A normal breakup is hard for people to digest let alone a situation where your partner doesn't want to see you nor let the child see you . That must truly hurt .
I think, you should still consider going on living as time heals all wounds or at least dull them over time .

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

Thanks for further explaining your situation. I see why you feel you're in such dire straits that you're even considering suicide to get out of it.

It sounds like you're dealing with a very angry and vindictive woman. Someone who knows she's got you by the tail, and that you're in no position to reason, much less to negotiate, and she's going to beat you to submission. About that, there's nothing you can do that won't only exacerbate the situation. As @AlexYaBoy mentioned above, you cannot change any person. You can only change you, and, based on your reply, that's what you've already been working on.

My partner and I have been together for almost thirty years, and we've been thru many of the things you described above. In many ways I was like your wife, and my partner somewhat like you. I was resentful. I could lash out such bitter words that no one should ever utter to the one to any one they love. How I wish I could unsay them.

I was also the softhearted mother, and I mollycoddled our baby girl and indulged her in every way possible. My partner was less obliging, though in no way that could be described as authoritarian--not even close. As to whose parenting style prevailed, there was no question that it was mine. There was no other way around that and there wasn't going to be one. As to that, I have no regrets, not one iota.

But I've regretted much of the stinging words I had unleashed over the years and the vindictive actions I had bitterly meted out to my partner. I have apologized for them. And am making amends on the regular; that is, I back up my words with reparative actions.

Might your wife ever come to such a change of heart before it's too late? I don't know. No one knows. Not even she. But it is certainly possible. The question is, are you going to be around long enough to see? Is your love for her and your stepson strong enough to make you endure the suffering you're going through and might be going through?

Meanwhile, continue working on improving yourself. That's the best action you can take right now.

 

[stitchez]

After reading your post and your answers, I think the issue is not the parenting style difference or anything related to the child. I actually think the issue is the couple, you and her. She can apologise how much she wants but what she is saying to you cuts deep and her actions are also quite offensive and a bit childish I'd say. Quickly looking for houses or hotels is really sticking the knife where it hurts and turning it.

Now with the last ultimatum of you having to fix everything or you're out, she is not even being explicit about what you have to fix. Do you know what you need to do to be able to succeed? I don't think you do and I don't think she does either.

I'm obviously outside of all this so I may be wrong but, from the perspective of a stranger on the Internet that only has your words to form an opinion from, I think there is something else much deeper affecting her that she hasn't communicated properly. I think the issue is something in the relationship that isn't going well or something on her side, and instead of exposing what that is, you are only feeling the consequences of that reflected on other topics: the parenting.

I'm saying all of this because if the issue was only the parenting, she wouldn't withdraw from you as much, she wouldn't be so quick to try and run away. She would get mad when things didn't go as she wanted them to but things would subside. I think she is very impatient to jump ship and you gotta figure out the core reason of that.

It was quite a few months ago that I was given the list of things that she hates and I need to improve upon and I've written a lot of it down though there is quite a bit more that I've tried to ask her about so I can have it all down for my reference so I can be conscious of it and to work on it. Though she's declined elaborating further as she's already spoken to me about it and I should've been listening.

• I don't think before I speak
• I interrupt someone talking if something comes to my mind.
• I have listening problems
• My temper
• Being too defensive
• Accepting blame with something I have done wrong.

These are some of the major ones she's indicated among others to do with my parenting that I can't remember because it feels like the list is growing and morphing a lot it's becoming a little exhausting to try and keep up with.

Just today for example we were standing in the kitchen and having a conversation about our son and I noticed something outside and mentioned that which interrupted her and I didn't circle back to the conversation which is my bad 100%. It's upset her quite considerably and she had further reinforced how much she despises me and can't wait till her and my son never have to see me again because of how rude and disrespectful I am and she doesn't want our child to grow up like me.
Also playing into the applying for a few more houses in front of me and stating how she can't wait until the last 3 months of our lease is up so she never has to see me again.

Now this last week I feel like we've been good with little to no issues at all and I've taken a back seat and walked on egg shells to keep out of trouble, so this strong of a reaction over this is rather perplexing to me.

The only issue I have is I am conscious of the fact that I struggle with this and it's not that I do it intentionally to be disrespectful. I find that if catch myself doing it and try to circle back to the conversation she will just say things like she's forgotten or it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much I press it the conversation is gone.

And I understand if it's upset her and for her to be emotional about this i can't blame that, but for me to be proactively trying to acknowledge my wrong and be shut down I'm confused as to how I can further improve on this field.

She got upset today that I didn't circle back to the conversation and I said from a psychological stand point her always refusing and shutting down regarding this issue has sort of built this habit in my mind to maybe not circle back due to me being in the wrong in both scenarios. Which has made me an asshole and disrespectful for not caring, I tried to ask how I could better handle these scenarios better as I feel like maybe my approach is wrong, but I have been told to fuck off and she doesn't know why she bothered trying with me as I clearly do not care.

Which is quite the opposite, I don't mean to do this and I don't do it to be disrespectful or rude, I think it's an unconscious thing I do due to my adhd and it's something I'm trying really hard to improve upon though I'm not sure how I can improve upon, is there a better way I could handle these moments?

I do believe you're right though I suggested maybe that she doesn't want me to improve because it doesn't feel like she's giving me the chance to do so.

 

[stitchez]

It takes a very special person to take someone else's child and to see him as your own . I can't highlight enough how kind that gesture is .
A normal breakup is hard for people to digest let alone a situation where your partner doesn't want to see you nor let the child see you . That must truly hurt .
I think, you should still consider going on living as time heals all wounds or at least dull them over time .

I guess that's what's making this such a hard pill for me to swallow I've been through plenty of break ups growing up and I know with time it'll heal everything.

But I have never loved anyone the way I love her and this child. And it's really hard for me to grasp the idea that I just have to possibly move on with my life and live like I haven't been a father to this child and that I have to go on and live a normal life?

I don't know just writing this hurts me and breaks my heart and all I wanna do is cry. It's becoming so hard for me to go on every day pretending I'm okay and like this isn't hurting me.

 

[Shirayumi]

My parents were fighting when I was little (when I was 16 dad finally moved away). And it gave me a huge mental trauma, depression, anxiety and phobias. I wish they separate ways when I was 2-3 years old so I'd likely won't remember their fights... please think about it. If she already says that she hates you, it's the end point. For the sake of the little boy, I think it's better to say goodbye to her.