Help Thinking about ctb with carbon monoxide, but no idea how to do this. +my story

[Shirayumi]

Hello everyone! I need help. I'm 29 years old. I'm from Russia, so my English may be weird...
I suffer from depression, high anxiety. And the most importantly – from my mother. All my life I suffer from fights at home, when father lived with us she was scolding him everyday (he is not sinless, but at least he always treated me well) and me as well, she hates me a lot. They separated when I was about 16. When I turned 17 and failed my first year in University, she told me to go to job with her, and I was stuck at the place (I was salesman, just as she is) for almost 12 years, I lost my physical and mental health there (I was bullied in school and was very sociophobic). She didn't let me quit the job. I quitted only in November 2023 because I suffered from pain in my shoulder (tendonitis, inflammation of the tendons) and now I can't go to a job, because even a short stroll brings pain.
So I have no money right now. I tried therapy, antidepressants, but nothing helps... I always wished to find someone who will love me and save from the situation, but it didn't happen and will not happen I am sure.
Last week her hatred to me became unbearable. I feel no safety. She also threatens to kill my father which is very scary for me.
I got my first suicide thoughts when I was 6 (she scolded me and I was lying in bed asking God to kill me asap). And I still do have, because she never stops scolding me for everything. But I never tried to commit it because I am very afraid of being in pain. The only option I see for myself is to get poisoned with carbon monoxide, but I don't have too much energy to create an exit bag... I think I need to build a box (from what?... no idea) that I can put in our apartment while she's at work (I have 12 hours), or in father's cottage. Maybe it will be even better, but I am afraid someone will see me there or father come there and save me. Please give me some ideas. I have a headache and can't think properly...

 

[etherealgoddess]

I literally just posted my story as well, and my story is very similar. My mom constantly scolded me. It was basically emotional abuse.

I know how bad it is because once I was in the car with my fiancé, his mom, and his brother. His mother and brother started arguing in the car, and it seemed like the most peaceful argument ever. I literally was like, "Wow, they handled it really well." My fiancé was very stressed and angry after the argument because it was very tense, in his own words. Like, THIS IS WHAT FEELS TENSE? This is the situation I would have asked for in my DREAMS! Getting yelled at my entire life every day for every single mistake I made and having no escape whatsoever... this argument that seemed like a big deal to him, to me just felt like the wind. Just a breeze. I'm not invalidating his experience in a way, but it was more surprising to see the difference of what I find to be stressful versus him. It's funny because technically, I am a lot better at dealing with stress if it's some crazy amount of stress like as in an argument, but I'm horrible at the normal daily stresses of life lol.

 

[Shirayumi]

I literally just posted my story as well, and my story is very similar. My mom constantly scolded me. It was basically emotional abuse.

I know how bad it is because once I was in the car with my fiancé, his mom, and his brother. His mother and brother started arguing in the car, and it seemed like the most peaceful argument ever. I literally was like, "Wow, they handled it really well." My fiancé was very stressed and angry after the argument because it was very tense, in his own words. Like, THIS IS WHAT FEELS TENSE? This is the situation I would have asked for in my DREAMS! Getting yelled at my entire life every day for every single mistake I made and having no escape whatsoever... this argument that seemed like a big deal to him, to me just felt like the wind. Just a breeze. I'm not invalidating his experience in a way, but it was more surprising to see the difference of what I find to be stressful versus him. It's funny because technically, I am a lot better at dealing with stress if it's some crazy amount of stress like as in an argument, but I'm horrible at the normal daily stresses of life lol.

Oh... I can feel what you feel! And I'm so sorry you're being emotionally abused by your mother. It is so painful when the closest relative is an abuser...

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so awful what you are going through, it's horrible how some humans just create way more suffering. But anyway I hope that you find the freedom you search for.