plans, so far

[100memoryleaks]

currently a work in progress.

things i've done already:

• note to (ex?) boyfriend is already written.
• ordered rope from amazon, waiting for it to arrive on saturday. i ordered something else too that's coming on the same day so hopefully they come in the same package, at a good time.

what's left to do:

• wait until after mom's birthday this weekend.
• depending on my work schedule next week ask people to cover shifts, or maybe just say nothing tbh.
• buy a pack of radler from the supermarket. gonna take one can for the big day. maybe a slice of red velvet cake too...
• withdraw money from any and all online accounts and into my bank account. not sure what can be done with my bank account, but hopefully my family can figure it out.
• write a brief note for my family, explaining there was nothing they could do to help and thank you for giving me a good life while it lasted, but unfortunately i've made some severe mistakes.
• send the prepared note and a photo of the rope to my boyfriend the day before.

the method itself is partial hanging, and i'm gonna leave the house at 3-4am ish to go into the woods that are on the way to the lake. gonna go as deep as possible to avoid being found for a while. although ironically, i want to put on some nice, cute clothes, in case i am found shortly after i ctb. at least i died beautiful... although i don't think i've ever been able to truly consider myself beautiful.

gonna listen to some music on the walk there. maybe some happy disco music.

 

[100memoryleaks]

update:

i sent him one final message with some plans to repair our trust if we start talking again. i really, really want this to work. gonna give it until next tuesday to see what happens. (7/14).

if there's really no other chance for us, then 7/15 will be my ctb day. i plan to practice a couple times once the rope arrives. i haven't been able to find the carotids using my hands, but i might just not have the strength to apply enough pressure using only my hands.

i guess he knows how special he was to me already, i've told him many times. i said before that without him i might just live an empty existence with no goals and motivation. i'm living it already and i don't want to anymore.

sometimes you try your best and it still doesn't work out, because you can't undo the past.
oh well...

 

[nettspend]

So you're ending it over your (ex?) boyfriend? What happened?

 

[100memoryleaks]

So you're ending it over your (ex?) boyfriend? What happened?

more explanation here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/it-was-getting-better-and-now-its-gone.249611/#post-3528084

basically, i wanted to spy on him because i was insecure and jealous af, i found someone online who could help me and i gave away his personal information to that person, i ended up not just getting blackmailed but the person apparently sent my bf all our conversations. bf kept it secret for a year, then told me he knew about it and blocked me everywhere and said to not contact him or anyone close to him because he doesn't trust me enough anymore.

 

[100memoryleaks]

update:
turns out i chose the wrong payment method on amazon and my rope arrives tomorrow instead of today. that's fine, i still got time until my ctb date.
still, painfully, no response from bf.
i have no work shifts assigned to me until next saturday and sunday, so i don't have to worry about working before or on my ctb date. i'm sure they'll figure something out without me.
perhaps i should paint my nails and shave today. something to at least make my corpse look less disgusting.
maybe if everyone thinks hard enough about my bf responding to me, he will respond. a group manifestation.

 

[nettspend]

more explanation here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/it-was-getting-better-and-now-its-gone.249611/#post-3528084

basically, i wanted to spy on him because i was insecure and jealous af, i found someone online who could help me and i gave away his personal information to that person, i ended up not just getting blackmailed but the person apparently sent my bf all our conversations. bf kept it secret for a year, then told me he knew about it and blocked me everywhere and said to not contact him or anyone close to him because he doesn't trust me enough anymore.

So what triggered his change of heart after a year of knowing about it?

 

[ilovecats1]

i wonder if i could also look cute when im dead but i dont think so. im planning on doing it in a forest where people usually go with a cable car at late hours so it would be hard for people to be there. i still have a few months when i actually confirm whats going to happen.

 

[100memoryleaks]

So what triggered his change of heart after a year of knowing about it?

IDKKKKK I DONT GET IT

 

[DeadMeat123]

These are tips from my personal experience. Everything I'm saying here is based on what I personally went through when I tried ctb through partial suspension I was saved because my father burst into the room just in time. So my first piece of advice is to make sure the place is completely empty of people. I advise you to choose the exact location beforehand and not to leave it random. I also advise you to tie the rope before taking it with you and not tie it when you reach the tree, because the teying to make the knot might cause psychological stress that makes you want to back down. Similarly, not knowing the exact location can lead to a similar effect. So, choose the tree first, then go home and make the knot. Take the rope with you, and only tie the other end to the tree. Don't worry too much about the details, the strength of the rope, or whether you tied it correctly it works even with random attempts and rudimentary knots. Just keep a general idea in mind. Taking some ibuprofen and beta blockers won't hurt, and I encourage it. You might experience many violent involuntary movements, which you won't feel because you'll be unconscious. Butnif you care about how people will find you after you're dead, I recommend wearing sportswear or clothes that won't tear easily. I wish you the best of luck either way whether you continue with your life or go through with it. Being partially hanged isn't bad at all you'll lose almost all sensation as soon as the rope tightens around your neck and you'll be unconscious within seconds. So don't worry it's a very peaceful method, and you won't feel any pain

 

[100memoryleaks]

These are tips from my personal experience. Everything I'm saying here is based on what I personally went through when I tried ctb through partial suspension I was saved because my father burst into the room just in time. So my first piece of advice is to make sure the place is completely empty of people. I advise you to choose the exact location beforehand and not to leave it random. I also advise you to tie the rope before taking it with you and not tie it when you reach the tree, because the teying to make the knot might cause psychological stress that makes you want to back down. Similarly, not knowing the exact location can lead to a similar effect. So, choose the tree first, then go home and make the knot. Take the rope with you, and only tie the other end to the tree. Don't worry too much about the details, the strength of the rope, or whether you tied it correctly it works even with random attempts and rudimentary knots. Just keep a general idea in mind. Taking some ibuprofen and beta blockers won't hurt, and I encourage it. You might experience many violent involuntary movements, which you won't feel because you'll be unconscious. Butnif you care about how people will find you after you're dead, I recommend wearing sportswear or clothes that won't tear easily. I wish you the best of luck either way whether you continue with your life or go through with it. Being partially hanged isn't bad at all you'll lose almost all sensation as soon as the rope tightens around your neck and you'll be unconscious within seconds. So don't worry it's a very peaceful method, and you won't feel any pain

thank you so much! i will be sure to tie the knot in advance then and i'll remember to take some ibuprofen. was planning on wearing a hoodie so my face will be harder to see.

 

[dannyilyy]

I bet you were a beautiful girl. I too was heart broken and now have no hopes in mind for the future, I hope we find peace! May you rest with only the best memories.

 

[100memoryleaks]

update:
withdrew all my money from kalshi LMAO. yes I'm a filthy gambler. i lost one dollar from Norway losing today. don't ask how much I'm down in total. sucks I won't be around to see the world cup final.
i made a cake for my mom's birthday tomorrow. I will just try to make the most of the next few days. I've suffered disordered eating for many years now but I'll try to ignore the voices telling me to feel bad. but I'm embarrassed about what my parents are thinking about me. i wonder if they're happy that I'm finally treating myself after restricting for most of the year or remembering how those old binge restrict cycles used to go...
just realized I forgot to buy my mom a birthday card. oh well, I hope she'll like the cake.

I will probably go on Monday to buy Radler and maybe some stuff for my dog, since it seems the poor guy's having skin problems. i don't need the money for myself anyway. Dad's gonna be pissed trying to pay off my student loans for a degree that I never used.

I still haven't tried the toasted s'mores cold brew from Starbucks, still gotta buy that before I ctb. in the meantime I also gotta find the tree. the only thing I'm afraid of is the animals in the forest, I prefer to die a peaceful death and not get attacked by a bear or a cougar

 

[100memoryleaks]

update:
the rope arrived. and so did my doggy's new chew toy, he seems to like it. but good god, i got a FUCK TON of rope. in a totally not suspicious large amazon box that i've put in my closet for now. i hope my mom doesn't decide to look in my closet before i get a chance to unwrap the rope and dismantle the huge box.

i feel my heart drop a little bit whenever something that's happening after my ctb date is mentioned.

today i will try to enjoy my mom's birthday with her. hopefully the ED voices in my head can shut up and let me enjoy some delicious food and cake. i mean, hey, if the circumstances change and i decide not to ctb, i can always lose the weight again.

 

[yay]

good luck

 

[DeadMeat123]

Well I've been irreligious for most of my life but I'll say something here that might change your mind about the afterlife and perhaps even make peace with the subject even if you don't go along with the CTB. When I tried to do it through partial suspension, everything was fine. I lived alone. I used a rope specifically for heavy chandeliers making sure the knot and angle were right. I locked my bedroom door and flushed key in the room's bathroom so I wouldn't back out. I pushed almost all the furniture towards the door to prevent it from opening from outside. I put on my best clothes and perfume like I was going on vacation. And that's the last thing I remember from that day. Interestingly I also don't remember any other details of that day, waking up or what I did, etc. All I remember is waking up with absolutely no memory of anything suffering from fever. I was at my parents house asleep on the sofa and when I asked what had happened (I couldn't remember what had happened) they said I had a high fever and they found me unconscious at home.
They were adamant about me leaving the house and insisted i stay until the fever is over and when I finally convinced them to let me go back home to get some things I went to the bedroom to look for the rope but I couldn't find it. That's when I remembered the details I mentioned earlier. When I confronted my father and asked him how he managed to get into the room he said he came to my home and found me in this state and no door was locked
Well, that's strange ofc. My memory might be unreliable but I'm almost certain that's what happened. I can't imagine a scenario where a skinny sixty five year old man could open a locked door with the only key already thrown away and push open all the heavy furniture at once.... and later I couldn't find the key which I clearly remember disposing. So if i really disposed it that means my memory is correct, i also thought my father might have taken it.. but I doubt it. The whole thing remains a mystery to me, and there's a voice in the back of my mind telling me I've simply been transported from one reality to another and this is what happenes every time you ctb, But hey, we'll test the validity of that theory soon

 

[100memoryleaks]

Well I've been irreligious for most of my life but I'll say something here that might change your mind about the afterlife and perhaps even make peace with the subject even if you don't go along with the CTB. When I tried to do it through partial suspension, everything was fine. I lived alone. I used a rope specifically for heavy chandeliers making sure the knot and angle were right. I locked my bedroom door and flushed key in the room's bathroom so I wouldn't back out. I pushed almost all the furniture towards the door to prevent it from opening from outside. I put on my best clothes and perfume like I was going on vacation. And that's the last thing I remember from that day. Interestingly I also don't remember any other details of that day, waking up or what I did, etc. All I remember is waking up with absolutely no memory of anything suffering from fever. I was at my parents house asleep on the sofa and when I asked what had happened (I couldn't remember what had happened) they said I had a high fever and they found me unconscious at home.
They were adamant about me leaving the house and insisted i stay until the fever is over and when I finally convinced them to let me go back home to get some things I went to the bedroom to look for the rope but I couldn't find it. That's when I remembered the details I mentioned earlier. When I confronted my father and asked him how he managed to get into the room he said he came to my home and found me in this state and no door was locked
Well, that's strange ofc. My memory might be unreliable but I'm almost certain that's what happened. I can't imagine a scenario where a skinny sixty five year old man could open a locked door with the only key already thrown away and push open all the heavy furniture at once.... and later I couldn't find the key which I clearly remember disposing. So if i really disposed it that means my memory is correct, i also thought my father might have taken it.. but I doubt it. The whole thing remains a mystery to me, and there's a voice in the back of my mind telling me I've simply been transported from one reality to another and this is what happenes every time you ctb, But hey, we'll test the validity of that theory soon

this is a very interesting story, thanks for sharing. i'm not sure how else this can be explained other than maybe a dream or unreliable memory, but i'm not gonna argue with your own lived experience of course.

I don't consider myself religious, but lately I have been wondering if hell really exists and if I will be sent there for ctb'ing. i actually thought about bringing a rosary with me, since my mom is catholic.

 

[DeadMeat123]

For me it's more like trying to convince myself that there might be some form of an after life But I also don't object to the idea that an death being permanent is actually a peaceful end. The only reason I want my consciousness to continue in some way is that I haven't enjoyed this life at all and I wish I could be in different circumstances before experiencing true eternal death. But none of us knows anyway. I brought up the topic of afterlife in general because you mentioned feeling nervous or something when a date or something that will happen after your death is mentioned. Well we do this all the time in our daily lives. We often talk about a distant future which we know we won't live. For me it's not that different from talking about the year 2525, and I've known for a long time that GTA 6 won't come out in my lifetime anyway D: ,But perhaps the thought that you might live to see those dates because of your continued consciousness is interesting and might help you take the idea more lightly

 

[100memoryleaks]

For me it's more like trying to convince myself that there might be some form of an after life But I also don't object to the idea that an death being permanent is actually a peaceful end. The only reason I want my consciousness to continue in some way is that I haven't enjoyed this life at all and I wish I could be in different circumstances before experiencing true eternal death. But none of us knows anyway. I brought up the topic of afterlife in general because you mentioned feeling nervous or something when a date or something that will happen after your death is mentioned. Well we do this all the time in our daily lives. We often talk about a distant future which we know we won't live. For me it's not that different from talking about the year 2525, and I've known for a long time that GTA 6 won't come out in my lifetime anyway D: ,But perhaps the thought that you might live to see those dates because of your continued consciousness is interesting and might help you take the idea more lightly

oh, i see. in that case, i'm not sure if i really want my consciousness to continue, but most likely not. on the one hand, i could continue to silently observe my boyfriend's life. on the other hand, it would be painful to live without him and also have to see my family's grief for me.

 

[bunnygirl4]

oh, i see. in that case, i'm not sure if i really want my consciousness to continue, but most likely not. on the one hand, i could continue to silently observe my boyfriend's life. on the other hand, it would be painful to live without him and also have to see my family's grief for me.

how are you feeling now? i just had a similar experience with my now-ex and ed thoughts and am struggling a lot with it. i'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[100memoryleaks]

how are you feeling now? i just had a similar experience with my now-ex and ed thoughts and am struggling a lot with it. i'm sorry you're going through this.

i don't feel anything right now. i'm pretty numb lately

 

[100memoryleaks]

no new updates really, just a vent

I'm tired and I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up

maybe I'm just a lazy person

gonna go on a walk today to find the tree

and practice with the rope

 

[meowpuppy]

no new updates really, just a vent

I'm tired and I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up

maybe I'm just a lazy person

gonna go on a walk today to find the tree

and practice with the rope

can't you just practice at home /gen

i just fear you might get caught

 

[100memoryleaks]

can't you just practice at home /gen

i just fear you might get caught

my bad, my post wasn't that clear, i wasn't gonna practice outside

i am practicing at home

 

[100memoryleaks]

update:

lol couldn't find the carotids and just ended up with a slightly sore neck for a while. I think I'll go buy the Radler first, I clearly need it xD however I found some information that made me consider delaying my ctb date. I'm not sure if I should take that opportunity since I have literally no idea when it could happen + not sure what I would even get from it.

i might have to face the truth that my fp plain and simply got tired of me and found the perfect excuse to leave. my possible explanation is he noticed the fp dynamic and feared it might be hurting me, but I wish he would know how much I'm hurting without him.

 

[CleanGopher]

currently a work in progress.

things i've done already:

• note to (ex?) boyfriend is already written.
• ordered rope from amazon, waiting for it to arrive on saturday. i ordered something else too that's coming on the same day so hopefully they come in the same package, at a good time.

what's left to do:

• wait until after mom's birthday this weekend.
• depending on my work schedule next week ask people to cover shifts, or maybe just say nothing tbh.
• buy a pack of radler from the supermarket. gonna take one can for the big day. maybe a slice of red velvet cake too...
• withdraw money from any and all online accounts and into my bank account. not sure what can be done with my bank account, but hopefully my family can figure it out.
• write a brief note for my family, explaining there was nothing they could do to help and thank you for giving me a good life while it lasted, but unfortunately i've made some severe mistakes.
• send the prepared note and a photo of the rope to my boyfriend the day before.

the method itself is partial hanging, and i'm gonna leave the house at 3-4am ish to go into the woods that are on the way to the lake. gonna go as deep as possible to avoid being found for a while. although ironically, i want to put on some nice, cute clothes, in case i am found shortly after i ctb. at least i died beautiful... although i don't think i've ever been able to truly consider myself beautiful.

gonna listen to some music on the walk there. maybe some happy disco music.

Oooo! Okay! Good luck, if it doesn't work, I suggest changing everything that lead up to that point and change into an unrecognizable person, that helped me kill myself, like the old me yk? But every humans different and no one listens to me, so just do what you think is best <3

 

[100memoryleaks]

every day that passes is even worse. every morning i feel like i'm about to be executed or murdered. every night i can't fall asleep because i don't want the thoughts about my boyfriend to enter my head. every day i'm refreshing and checking our messages. i'm begging him to come back. i can't do this anymore. it's not the end. if it's the end then it's the end of me too.

i have the rope, i have the alcohol, i know the place. i'm so tired. i want to be done. i wanted him back but nothing has worked. i've tried everything. i've offered everything. no answer.

i get so nervous to practice with the rope. there's so much more i wanted to do with him. i can't go on without him. i could move on from all those other idiots who just wanted to fuck me and leave me out to dry. not him. not the one i worked so damn hard to get better for.

i almost wish i could just do it tonight even though it's earlier than planned. i probably could, honestly. i hate life without my sweetheart. he was the only one i liked to spend time with. my only friend. my entire world.

 

[yay]

sorry to bust your balls but hes not coming back

 

[0dysseus]

currently a work in progress.

things i've done already:

• note to (ex?) boyfriend is already written.
• ordered rope from amazon, waiting for it to arrive on saturday. i ordered something else too that's coming on the same day so hopefully they come in the same package, at a good time.

what's left to do:

• wait until after mom's birthday this weekend.
• depending on my work schedule next week ask people to cover shifts, or maybe just say nothing tbh.
• buy a pack of radler from the supermarket. gonna take one can for the big day. maybe a slice of red velvet cake too...
• withdraw money from any and all online accounts and into my bank account. not sure what can be done with my bank account, but hopefully my family can figure it out.
• write a brief note for my family, explaining there was nothing they could do to help and thank you for giving me a good life while it lasted, but unfortunately i've made some severe mistakes.
• send the prepared note and a photo of the rope to my boyfriend the day before.

the method itself is partial hanging, and i'm gonna leave the house at 3-4am ish to go into the woods that are on the way to the lake. gonna go as deep as possible to avoid being found for a while. although ironically, i want to put on some nice, cute clothes, in case i am found shortly after i ctb. at least i died beautiful... although i don't think i've ever been able to truly consider myself beautiful.

gonna listen to some music on the walk there. maybe some happy disco music.

Hey, may I ask why partian and not full?
Also, peace be with you.

 

[100memoryleaks]

Hey, may I ask why partian and not full?
Also, peace be with you.

couldn't find something to step off of for full lol. huge mistake tho

couldn't find something to step off of for full lol. huge mistake tho

and also cuz I read that most successful ctbs by hanging are partial for some reason

 

[soributton]

and also cuz I read that most successful ctbs by hanging are partial for some reason

Do you remember where you read it?