Venting it was getting better and now it's gone

[100memoryleaks]

first post here. idk where to begin. i don't wanna sound cringe and dumb but honestly this is gonna end up sounding like a mess anyway. i'm 21 years old. i first wanted to ctb when i was 14. they said it'd get better. it was. it really was after all the shitty people who used me i found someone who was different. i really tried. i didn't know what to do but i know for sure it wasn't to be toxic and controlling. i kept remembering the past. the people who hurt me. i don't have any other friends aside from my bf. maybe someone would have stopped me. i'm so damn insecure and jealous. i was so scared i would be hurt and betrayed that i did it first. i handed his information to some asshole who promised to investigate him and who he's talking to and if he's cheating. he's just not that kind of person. i believe it now. i did something so, so horrible. but it was in the past, i finally got better. i finally learned to trust him and believe he won't leave or cheat for no reason. i felt safe but it's all gone now. i love my sweetheart so much. i'm tired of hearing that i should start a new chapter of my life, i should move on because i'm young. you don't fucking get it. years of being used by creeps and assholes and i ruined the chance with the one man who didn't see me like a fucking sex toy. i don't want a life without him. what fucking new chapter. no one else is him. my life is him. i belonged to him and i will die loving him. my future is gone overnight.
it's been weeks without any response from him. what would he do if he found out i ctb? i have a note ready, just not the method. i hope he knows that i meant every word i said about how much i loved him and only him, and i truly am nothing without him. but i also hope he just keeps living his life and tries to forget i existed. at least i hope it was nice for him while it lasted. but for me i refuse any life without him in it.

no idea where to find sn, it seems online i can only find low percentages for curing meats. i already have ondansetron from the last time i had the flu although idk if that's effective. and i have gabapentin from my sister. antacids are easy to get ofc. maybe i'll be better off buying a necktie and just hanging myself in my closet.
if i got any response, just even some indicator that this isn't the end, maybe he wants to try again, maybe i can do something to fix my mistakes, even if i have to wait, then i could live. but the longer he stays silent the more i'm starting to lose hope.

 

[100memoryleaks]

I wish I could ctb already, I'm too tired for this. i wish it wasn't this hard to ctb without such a high chance of failure

 

[Secro]

False hopes are shit, I have no idea why people think it's something great.

 

[100memoryleaks]

ok, I guess this is my vent thread now.

god I wish he'd just say something. even just "no" or "stop talking to me" at this point so I can ctb already. if I send him my note and the photos of the rope then what. then will he say something? or will he think it's some cheap manipulative tactic?

if he was an asshole like everyone else I might not consider ctb. i would have cried and moved on like every god damn time. this was my last chance.

some time this week I'll go look for a good sturdy tree. i thought about hanging myself in my closet but i thought about all the aftermath. cops having to bring my body down, clean up the carpet and everything. gotta test the rope somehow too and find the right spot. gonna take a good chug of some alcohol beforehand too. i thought about canned wine but you know... maybe Radler would be nice. just for the taste. just for the memory.

 

[Secro]

You will certainly make mistakes with alcohol, so try not to drink too much.

 

[tend a dead garden]

Are you going to send him your note before you CTB and depending on his reaction is if you will CTB?

 

[100memoryleaks]

You will certainly make mistakes with alcohol, so try not to drink too much.

true. it's basically impossible to get drunk from Radler tho, so I'll go with that one
my final memory will taste like lemonade and beer, delicious

Are you going to send him your note before you CTB and depending on his reaction is if you will CTB?

basically, yeah. honestly I doubt his reaction would be any good. I'm gonna send it the day before I ctb, once I have everything planned. so if there's no response or a bad response then I'll proceed and ctb

 

[Secro]

basically, yeah. honestly I doubt his reaction would be any good. I'm gonna send it the day before I ctb, once I have everything planned. so if there's no response or a bad response then I'll proceed and ctb

He might give a good answer because he doesn't want you to die, and he might feel guilty afterwards for not having done anything.

 

[100memoryleaks]

He might give a good answer because he doesn't want you to die, or/and he might feel guilty afterwards for not having done anything.

i mean, this wouldn't be the first time i told him i was gonna ctb, but the first time i was dumb and impulsive and had the least effective "plan" ever. and that time he told me that he wouldn't tolerate those kinds of threats but in case i was telling the truth, to not ctb because my family cares about me. what i'm trying to say is that i don't think he's gonna believe me ya know

 

[Secro]

i mean, this wouldn't be the first time i told him i was gonna ctb, but the first time i was dumb and impulsive and had the least effective "plan" ever. and that time he told me that he wouldn't tolerate those kinds of threats but in case i was telling the truth, to not ctb because my family cares about me. what i'm trying to say is that i don't think he's gonna believe me ya know

So you don't care if he feels guilty?
I'm just curious, I'm not judging.

 

[100memoryleaks]

So you don't care if he feels guilty?
I'm just curious, I'm not judging.

he might, but also he might not because I'm the one who wronged him anyway. so I don't care since he probably won't feel guilty anyway.

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

im really sorry for what you have been made to feel by this man. but i can assure you this feeling does pass nearly always, as long as it only happens once or twice

 

[100memoryleaks]

im really sorry for what you have been made to feel by this man. but i can assure you this feeling does pass nearly always, as long as it only happens once or twice

i understand his decision, what i did behind his back was a horrible, selfish, and stupid thing. he trusted me with private details about his life and I gave them away to someone promising to help me find out whether he's cheating or who he's talking with.
this is like the fourth time I've wanted to ctb over a man, only this time he didn't cheat and he didn't abuse me. he was actually a decent fucking person that I couldn't bring myself to trust enough.

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

i understand his decision, what i did behind his back was a horrible, selfish, and stupid thing. he trusted me with private details about his life and I gave them away to someone promising to help me find out whether he's cheating or who he's talking with.
this is like the fourth time I've wanted to ctb over a man, only this time he didn't cheat and he didn't abuse me. he was actually a decent fucking person that I couldn't bring myself to trust enough.

are you sure this cant be fixed with this person?

 

[100memoryleaks]

are you sure this cant be fixed with this person?

it doesn't seem like it right now. he has me blocked almost everywhere. i have reached out to him several times, asking what can I do to earn his trust back, no response. :(

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

it doesn't seem like it right now. he has me blocked almost everywhere. i have reached out to him several times, asking what can I do to earn his trust back, no response. :(

if you give it some time, he might be more receptive to contact

 

[100memoryleaks]

if you give it some time, he might be more receptive to contact

that's what i have been hoping for. i have tried to keep my messages polite and to the point and not too frequent. i just wish i could know for certain that he could come back. just some indication that this isn't really the end might be enough to keep me going.

and if he comes back, at least i'll have a cool rope to go rock climbing with him one day, huh? :D