100memoryleaks
New Member
- Jul 6, 2026
- 2
first post here. idk where to begin. i don't wanna sound cringe and dumb but honestly this is gonna end up sounding like a mess anyway. i'm 21 years old. i first wanted to ctb when i was 14. they said it'd get better. it was. it really was after all the shitty people who used me i found someone who was different. i really tried. i didn't know what to do but i know for sure it wasn't to be toxic and controlling. i kept remembering the past. the people who hurt me. i don't have any other friends aside from my bf. maybe someone would have stopped me. i'm so damn insecure and jealous. i was so scared i would be hurt and betrayed that i did it first. i handed his information to some asshole who promised to investigate him and who he's talking to and if he's cheating. he's just not that kind of person. i believe it now. i did something so, so horrible. but it was in the past, i finally got better. i finally learned to trust him and believe he won't leave or cheat for no reason. i felt safe but it's all gone now. i love my sweetheart so much. i'm tired of hearing that i should start a new chapter of my life, i should move on because i'm young. you don't fucking get it. years of being used by creeps and assholes and i ruined the chance with the one man who didn't see me like a fucking sex toy. i don't want a life without him. what fucking new chapter. no one else is him. my life is him. i belonged to him and i will die loving him. my future is gone overnight.
it's been weeks without any response from him. what would he do if he found out i ctb? i have a note ready, just not the method. i hope he knows that i meant every word i said about how much i loved him and only him, and i truly am nothing without him. but i also hope he just keeps living his life and tries to forget i existed. at least i hope it was nice for him while it lasted. but for me i refuse any life without him in it.
no idea where to find sn, it seems online i can only find low percentages for curing meats. i already have ondansetron from the last time i had the flu although idk if that's effective. and i have gabapentin from my sister. antacids are easy to get ofc. maybe i'll be better off buying a necktie and just hanging myself in my closet.
if i got any response, just even some indicator that this isn't the end, maybe he wants to try again, maybe i can do something to fix my mistakes, even if i have to wait, then i could live. but the longer he stays silent the more i'm starting to lose hope.
it's been weeks without any response from him. what would he do if he found out i ctb? i have a note ready, just not the method. i hope he knows that i meant every word i said about how much i loved him and only him, and i truly am nothing without him. but i also hope he just keeps living his life and tries to forget i existed. at least i hope it was nice for him while it lasted. but for me i refuse any life without him in it.
no idea where to find sn, it seems online i can only find low percentages for curing meats. i already have ondansetron from the last time i had the flu although idk if that's effective. and i have gabapentin from my sister. antacids are easy to get ofc. maybe i'll be better off buying a necktie and just hanging myself in my closet.
if i got any response, just even some indicator that this isn't the end, maybe he wants to try again, maybe i can do something to fix my mistakes, even if i have to wait, then i could live. but the longer he stays silent the more i'm starting to lose hope.
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