RumbleMan
Member
- Jun 19, 2023
- 13
I dont know why I've been so sad lately. Normaly I have atleast something that makes me feel 1% worthy. I have been getting addicted to pills (mostly strong painkillers stolen from my dad). I dont know why I want to CTB, I have a great life. Smartest person in my family, great future, awsome parents, brother, sister, I have 1 really close friend. I feel bad for having these thought… I feel bad for the people who actually struggle, and have the right to feel the way I do. But I dont, I just have an awsome life. I also live in a good neighborhood and still live comfortably with my parents. Financially Im stable and my studies are going well.
I have been suicidal since I was young. I had fantasies about a knife cutting me and I told my parents, they did nothing about it, my mom listened, but my dad just didn't even care and was on the whole phone when I stood there sobbing. Young me didn't know what it ment and how I truly felt, so I started self-harm. I tought maybe the fantasies would stop, they didn't. Keep in mind I was about seven at the time. One night I got in a fight with my dad and went to bed. I woke up around midnight and went downstairs, because I was thinking about the knife again. I saw my dad cleaning up the kitchen and said that I was thinking about the knife again, he openen a cupboard and said: "Do it then, you can choose, big, small, sharp." I went over and when I was about to grab a knife my mom came and said: "No! He's to young for that." So basically my dad encouraged me do to SH/CTB.
Fast forward a few years when I was about 14-15 years old. I had tried to hang myself many times, without succes, and continued with SH. One time I was on vacation and had these toughts, but it wasn't like any other night were I cried myselfs to sleep. I was feeling so broken, so sad, this time I came up with the idea to jump infront of a train, because I live near a train station, with nearly anything/anyone to stop me. I went down the stairs and tried to tell my parents, I was sobbing in their bed. My mom tried to calm me down, my dad? He was on his phone. I told the tought, he didn't budge… My mom tried suggesting therapy, but then she reminded me that I have to talk to someone about it, and it to come out of my own pocket.
Right now Im still searching for my right method. I dont think hanging will work, because my Survival Instinct has been in the way. I'm so sorry if I'm overeacting. Sorry for the people who deserve my life. Sorry for the people in pain. Please tell me whats wrong with me, I dont know why I want to CTB.
I have been suicidal since I was young. I had fantasies about a knife cutting me and I told my parents, they did nothing about it, my mom listened, but my dad just didn't even care and was on the whole phone when I stood there sobbing. Young me didn't know what it ment and how I truly felt, so I started self-harm. I tought maybe the fantasies would stop, they didn't. Keep in mind I was about seven at the time. One night I got in a fight with my dad and went to bed. I woke up around midnight and went downstairs, because I was thinking about the knife again. I saw my dad cleaning up the kitchen and said that I was thinking about the knife again, he openen a cupboard and said: "Do it then, you can choose, big, small, sharp." I went over and when I was about to grab a knife my mom came and said: "No! He's to young for that." So basically my dad encouraged me do to SH/CTB.
Fast forward a few years when I was about 14-15 years old. I had tried to hang myself many times, without succes, and continued with SH. One time I was on vacation and had these toughts, but it wasn't like any other night were I cried myselfs to sleep. I was feeling so broken, so sad, this time I came up with the idea to jump infront of a train, because I live near a train station, with nearly anything/anyone to stop me. I went down the stairs and tried to tell my parents, I was sobbing in their bed. My mom tried to calm me down, my dad? He was on his phone. I told the tought, he didn't budge… My mom tried suggesting therapy, but then she reminded me that I have to talk to someone about it, and it to come out of my own pocket.
Right now Im still searching for my right method. I dont think hanging will work, because my Survival Instinct has been in the way. I'm so sorry if I'm overeacting. Sorry for the people who deserve my life. Sorry for the people in pain. Please tell me whats wrong with me, I dont know why I want to CTB.
