Venting Personal vent journal

[fungus]

I think I will do it like some others her, so I don't need to always open a new thread just because I want to vent.
Oh and bad english, because not my native language.

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I think the worst thing is that I don't know what is wrong with me.

I mean my childhood was okey. I had tendencies to mental health problems but nothing in my life was so fucked up that it can explain why I turned out to be so broken.
The relationship to my parents? Weird and fucked up.. why? No idea.
Relationship to all my past friends? Complicated, tireting and also not working.
Even the therapeutic relationship that I have with my therapist is just catastropic.

I really want to have any kind of connection but everytime I trie it just does not work. I need it, but I also hate it.

And it will not get better. The more I grow up, the more people expect me to handle things like an adult. To solve my own problems, to care for myself etc.
But of course I am in this weird inbetween phase were People expect me to be an adult but I can't do what older people are able to do.
Responsebility without the freedom.
And I hate it. If I get suffocated in all this expectations while I just try to figure out how to not ctb I at least want to have the freedom to break down and just be alone and express my suffering.
But no I can't because If I do the people around me will suffer and feel guilty.

Like I get it.
I am joung I have all my life before me so I just suck it up for the next years and hope that some magical farry will make everything better. I try changing since I am a child but that is just not enough.

So if it does not get better it is my own fault, because I am not open enough for change and I could try harder.
But giving up and saying I just can't make it better is also selfish.
Like I can't win. I just can't. Eather I suffer or my familly.

If I express too much of my feelings, I get send to the psychward and my parents would feel guilty and be in tears. And that just hurts even more and make me suffer more.
So I don't.
I like the psychward. It is shit, but I have never feelt so free to just be not okey and be depressed. Kind of selfish but it just feelt so good to not feel any responsebility for the feelings of the people around me. I didn't care if the people were concerned or annoyed about me just not getting out of bed or skipping meals.
But it was a one time holiday that I can't repeat.

My parents only react to things or take them seriously when I crash out and it is this really serious thing and everyone is suprised and sad and whatever. They tell me that I can talk about everything but then I try and it just does not work. If they don't react to some of the easier issues seriously, how do they expect me to tell them my deepest struggels.

I love them and it is the most hurtfull feeling because I would literaly rather die then be confronted with them feeling bad because of me. And they would feel bad if they would know that I think like that.

I am even suprised I got over my 18 birthday alive. This is longer then I gave myself. But as a kid I thought that with 18 things change. That I then have enough freedom to get better. But it just does not work like that.

 

[fungus]

I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do. I didn't clean my desk, didn't write the emails I was supposed to, didn't even document the things I should for therapy. And I already know tomorrow my therapist will just get frustrated with me and probaly get upset. At this point I am just waiting for the moment were she will give up and kick me out. I can't get the energy to actual do better.
I am just so tired of doing all the stuff. I also didn't do any of the hobbies I wanted to do.
Like I am at a point where I even drive my therapist to despair. And I really don't want to go to bed and have to go trough a new day tomorrow. I am near my breaking point, but I can't do anything against it, but also can't allow myself to break down.
Why can I not just get run over by a fucking car and die and thats it. Like no guilt for familly because of me suiciding, and I don't need to live.
I just want to bedrot, but because always someone is around who would get really concernd and whatever and try to 'help' in the most unhelpful and stressing way, even that is not possible. Just leave me the fuck alone and let me be miserable. I have so little control over my life that I am not even be alowed to be unhappy and show it.

 

[fungus]

I just don't now what to do anymore.

Regardless of what I do, I will probaly hurt my parents with my decision.
I had already an suicide attempt and my parents were in tears, but at home nothing really changed. I got out of the mental hospital and I had to hear things like:

But know Don't rest on your laurels (I didn't want to go emidietly from the morning to the evening to school and just go in the first week until 12am because I was mentally still not that good)

know your grades will get better again right?

Or when I tell them that I struggel with oral grades because I have anxiety: Don't use just lazy excuses just raise your hand.

Or my father who told me once my drawing/game programming ideas are shit and he wanted me to work for him because his are so 'good'

Like they are in 70% of the time ok parents but 30% they just suck and don't recognize how hurtfull they can be.
In one second they tell me to always tell them when I have problems and I can always talk to them and then I trie or I am in a situation where they just need to actually do it and be emotional available and they are not.
If they have a problem with each other they just yell and then mostly don't even solve it.
Like I am so tired of them.
If I had friends I could maybe get better but I don't.

Like I can't help myself. If I change my enviroment and leave home my parents will be hurt, If I don't, nothing will get better. If I tell my therapist I am suicidal again I well be put in the psychward, come out and be confronted with my parents who will be hurt and sad but still will not change anything on themself.
And suicide is to fucking complicated, but kind of still the best option.
If I had atleast joy in anything else.

 

[fungus]

I am kind of angry at my mom. She talked latly to my teacher and told her that she can just pick me to answer in class If I am not participate on my own and that I don't have a problem with it. I just don't do it myself.
That alone is a huge break in trust for me. I am not a fucking child anymore.

I already told my mother that I have a problem with participating because I have social anxiety and she always told me it is just an lazy excuse.
I thought she understood it at least a little bit lately? Only for her to say that to my teacher.. like I am struggeling already ins school with all the people around me and my depression etc.
and she just puts even more pressure on me.

That is her view of "helping" me. Just telling me all the time to be better and just do it and dismissing me and then even making my life at school harder, but never reflecting on herself. She expects me to talk to her if something is wrong even she never provided an safe space for me to actually doing that. As long as I don't open up, she does nothing and doesn't change.

Beside that she told the teacher to have a eye on me. So that if I look like doing worse because of my depression she will talk to me and get the permission to "inform my parents"
Like I get it my mom is worried because of my suicide attempt early this year. But instead of asking herself: why is my kid not talking to me and why am I not being able to see if my child is doing worse myself, she lets my teacher spy on me. I told my parents a bunch of things they could try to improve on themself and at home.. but of course she is only worried about how to improve my grades and does things so she feels better herself. Like at this point she can just go and fuck herself.

Know even at school I need to smile all the time and not look 'to depressed'. My teacher even asked me if I am okey because I restet my head on my arms in school. Just leave me alone.. You are not a person who earned my trust so I don't want you to 'watch' me.
I can't skip school too much without my teacher noticing it, I can't have too much days just being tired without alarming them.. I can do nothing in my fucking live without people putting their worries and emotional well being on my list of concerns.

Do they not realize that them pushing more and more and cutting of space where I can just express my emotional state doesn't leed to me suddenly trusting them and being more open. It does not fix or help in any way it just pushes me more and more in a corner, giving me the feeling that I have no room to be myself.

And of course my therapist is on vacations. The one time I need her, she isn't there..
Life is just a joke.
I already hate it and people do their best to drag me trough even more piles of broken glass and then make a suprised face when I am bleeding out.
Who could have fucking thought that saying and doing ignorant things is leading to people not wanting to tell you their emotionall problems.

People are like: I told you, you suck at your hobbies and I am so much better, and completly ignore it when you or other tell me my behavior is a problem and I don't even try to understand things and just tell you it isn't that hard but why are you not talking to me if I try to make smalltalk. Why are you not wanting to be in my presence even I made fucking uncomfortable by completly overstepping boundaries..?

Or they yelled at you and made you cry as a kid and just always give you the fault for failure and never really show any open sign of love and comfort without a huge fight before and just completly let you figure your problems out yourself even you are a small kid but then are really suprised why they are not seen as an person who is their for help and you rather try to solve it yourself..

Who would have thought that I am know a fucked up kid who just want to delete myself of this stupid planet.