Venting Things have been going downhill

[Bunabelldearest]

Hi I know its been awhile since I've posted but I needed somewhere to put this as I don't know where else to put it, my depressions gotten 10x worse. I can't manage to do anything, my lifes falling down the drain and no matter how hard I try I can't manage to get better. I know It's stupid but I went of my mood stabs hoping I'd feel something, anything, as I've felt entirely numb for almost a month. Now I just feel even more depressed and angry. I keep having violent thoughts and I can't seem to be nice to anyone. I've stopped speaking to my friends as I see no point, either I'll get angry or I'm just too exhausted to do it. I just feel so hopeless,

I got into DBT, and I know I should be happy and wait the three months until I truly get in but-... I just can't. I can't keep going. I have a gun and I plan to CTB in the upcoming month. I don't know what day but I assume a time will come where I get so fully fed up that I just do it. And if I don't I'll do it on the last of the month. I know after I go people will lament that "if she had just waited for DBT..." but I'm far to fucked to care. Maybe in another life I was able to hold out and maybe DBT did something. Whatever, none of this will matter in the end anyway. I did nothing substantial with my life, I'll be known as 'that one girl who committed.' and that will be my only defining trait after death. it sucks, I'd like to be remembered for my art but I am no good at it. So, el oh el.
Id like to add that I've tried reaching out to people, its everyday I try to tell my family or friends how genuinely suicidal I am yet they all just tell me to go play a game or draw and I'll be fine. i feel like im being treated like a child pestering there parent. All I want is atleast a little bit of comfort- ahhhh whatever, I only care so much because I want attention, I know deep down any attempt to talk me out will fail. I dont know why it hurts so bad anyway....

 

[emuotori]

NSO fan haiii!!
What about meds? Have you exhausted all options?

 

[Bunabelldearest]

NSO fan haiii!!
What about meds? Have you exhausted all options?

Yeah ive gone thru so many freaking meds its stupid. Im on mood stabilizers but they make me so numb ive been on and off taking them, (i used to take them regularly but i gave up after a year-ish and now take them half the time) they dont make me feel better they just make me unable to cry or express my pain in any way. It makes it worse, but I cant be on SSRI's as I have bipolar disorder, and most of the meds ive taken have had little to no affect or have made it worse. Idk Im kinda at rock bottom

 

[emuotori]

Yeah ive gone thru so many freaking meds its stupid. Im on mood stabilizers but they make me so numb ive been on and off taking them, (i used to take them regularly but i gave up after a year-ish and now take them half the time) they dont make me feel better they just make me unable to cry or express my pain in any way. It makes it worse, but I cant be on SSRI's as I have bipolar disorder, and most of the meds ive taken have had little to no affect or have made it worse. Idk Im kinda at rock bottom

Yea im on a similar boat.. Tried all sorts off stuff, duloxetine has worked a little but doesn't stop wanting to ctb (and prolly wouldn't work for u as its an SNRI).
There's still rTMS, Ket infusions and the big scary ECT, however I won't try to bullshit you.. if i still genuinely believed psychiatry was able to make you want to live i wouldn't be on this forum and i assume you wouldn't either so yeahh :c.

In the OP you mention that you'd like more attention (not sure if this is satire or not im bad at detecting it sowwy) but if thats the case wouldn't a demonstration attempt work? You could possibly loose access to your firearm if you got hospitalized though so I'm not sure.

 

[Bunabelldearest]

Yea im on a similar boat.. Tried all sorts off stuff, duloxetine has worked a little but doesn't stop wanting to ctb (and prolly wouldn't work for u as its an SNRI).
There's still rTMS, Ket infusions and the big scary ECT, however I won't try to bullshit you.. if i still genuinely believed psychiatry was able to make you want to live i wouldn't be on this forum and i assume you wouldn't either so yeahh :c.

In the OP you mention that you'd like more attention (not sure if this is satire or not im bad at detecting it sowwy) but if thats the case wouldn't a demonstration attempt work? You could possibly loose access to your firearm if you got hospitalized though so I'm not sure.

Yeah I wish I could try with other meds, really. But my family is in charge of my medical shit as I am unable to take care of myself normally. They think these meds help and refuse to listen to me.

I would do that, but they dont care. Nobody in my life really does. Im running on like 4 failed attempts ( 3 overdoses ((dumb ones)) and a stab attempt ((yeah ik stupid))) so they always think nothing will come of it as im too incompetent to actually do it, (my moms words) If anything even happened theyd be worried for maybe a week and then stop caring. i guess i put myself in this situation cause im not good with my attempts. eugghh life is so lammmeee

 

[emuotori]

Yeah I wish I could try with other meds

Well the stuff I mentioned is usually given in an inpatient setting

I would do that, but they dont care. Nobody in my life really does. Im running on like 4 failed attempts ( 3 overdoses ((dumb ones)) and a stab attempt ((yeah ik stupid))) so they always think nothing will come of it as im too incompetent to actually do it, (my moms words) If anything even happened theyd be worried for maybe a week and then stop caring. i guess i put myself in this situation cause im not good with my attempts. eugghh life is so lammmeee

Oh i see... im sorry if my previous reply sounded ignorant. you've clearly suffered a lot already..

Nobody in my life really does.

Hmm what ifff... eventually you found someone who cared? Not trying to spread pro-life propaganda or anything, just a rare optimistic thought i got.
I have no idea how to find friends as an adult tho.. so idk.