Older members (30+)

[again_noidea]

My reasons, such as they are, have developed and evolved a bit over the years, but the roots are still recognizable: loneliness and an ongoing unhappiness which has only sent out vines and brambles, entwining more and more of my life. Health issues have only compounded my problems.

Middle-age has brought me no comfort or perspective, as I was promised. Time has only blunted the edges of the hopes I had used to occasionally slash through the encroaching jungle. Now I know that all of my crushes will be without result, now I've realized that my struggles to improve my situation are futile.

Some new wrinkles have emerged, though. The march of time: being confronted with the deaths of authors, scientists, musicians, actors, and artists who have meant so much to me. The aging of my mother and my friends has been painful to witness; I can do nothing to stop it. Even as this goes on, all of the landmarks of my youth have been swallowed up by bankruptcies and buyouts. Fields I once walked through as I wrestled with my teenage despair are now parking lots, drive-throughs, and gas stations. The ice cream shop where my high school girlfriend worked is now a Starbucks; the little movie theater we went visited is just an empty corner of a building.

Thinking about my career, such as it is, leaves me only with feelings of uselessness. I feel like I can be swept aside at any point.

One of the less-anticipated portions of growing old is that now my life is filled with objects. Junk, really. I am coming to loathe my possessions. I spent too much money and time on distractions like books, music, and movies. Now they have almost no resale value, certainly not enough to compensate for the time it takes to get rid of them. It is all just

Time has turned my dreams to dreads

i wish i had a friend who writes like you write. at least we should share and talk about the strange ways things turned out to be for us. i alway got rid of the junk i owned, because i knew it will suck me down in the future.

 

[ameliacecelia]

I am mid 40s. I was never suicidal until bad doctors ruined my health later in life so I cannot relate at all to someone who just always felt that way or does so for reasons they cannot understand. That sounds terrifying honestly. I don't want to deal with this even now, but I couldn't have handled the feelings at all as a kid.

What happened with you? I thought some of my uncontrolled movements I had were related to other neurological symptoms I'm having. Since they've subsided, I think it may have been medication related tardive dyskinesia. I'm also waiting for a muscle biopsy to confirm some labs that indicated mitochondrial dysfunction, which my doctor thinks may have been related to medication as well. I'm seeing similar things happen to so many more people now.
Thank you for this thread. I had depression throughout most of my 20s, and I recognize a lot of the same sentiments among the younger members here. I don't relate to that anymore.. I had SI, but never solid plans. I tried all the things I could to improve my life, traveling, moving to other countries, owned by own business for 6 years, then switched to working in finance to try to make a lot of money. I had a lot of hobbies and tried acquiring many different skills. When I started developing neurological symptoms 2 years ago, I experienced a completely different kind of depression. I maintained hope for recovery and rebuilding a different life until I couldn't keep up hope for physical independence anymore. It's a different kind of sadness.

 

[Hans1961]

40 here