Older members (30+)

[mrscat]

Hey I am 38! In the same boat.

Just wait one more year and things will get better (insert sarcastic evil grin).

No, sincerely I hope you find relief here or there.

Thanks Smilla, same for you as well.
I'm holding until I can get N in 2 months more probably.

 

[amatteroflifeordeath]

38 here and ready to go.

I have been depressed and suffering from mood change for over twenty years now. I did attempt to end it all two times already but it was at the time where information about reliable methods was not available like today.

I will use N or SN to end it all. I don't want to see 2019.

 

[skitliv]

I'm 29, feeling like i'm 50 though

Same here

 

[Luke]

I'm 37. Just tired. I see no reason to tread the water anymore. I don't really believe in the concept of happiness which is alright but no matter how hard I try to find a reason to keep on breathing I just cant. There is no point to stay.

I believe my job here is done.

 

[Final Escape]

In my teens and early 20's it was about things like not doing well in school, not being part of the in crowd, feeling unattractive, poverty, feeling like I was doomed to have a lousy future because even then I was aware on some level that I was not set up for a successful life. I noticed I had serious problems with impulse control and struggled to understand what the meaning of life was. I didn't see healthy examples of good lives and assumed that I had little control over my future or outcome in life. I didn't know what I should be aiming for as Dr. Jordan Peterson talks about in his lectures on youtube. So because we get the message that the goal in life is to be happy I pursued the wrong goals. Unfortunately pursuing happiness won't give u meaning and it's not a sustainable goal because a lot of life is suffering so it's unrealistic to try to be happy and take the easy way out all the time. There is truth to the quote "do what is meaningful not what is expedient" Anyway, now at 41 my reasons for suicide are because the mistakes I made living the first half of my life are fucking me in the second half of life. Because of the poor decisions in my youth I'm really going to suffer as I get older alone, with no kids, no partner, no decent job, essentially nothing gives me any reason to stick around. The things u think are important when in your 20's and 30's will not be the same stuff that matter to you in your 40's and beyond.

 

[Final Escape]

I just turned 30 a few months ago and it feels my exit is long overdue. Really glad to see this thread for us older folk.

Extremely long backstory incoming...

I was adopted by people who were manipulative, abusive narcissists which left me with a host of issues: lack of self worth, depression, anxiety, fear of abandonment. Estranged from them since college.

I have been suicidal since I was 13 and nothing has subsided, in fact as time goes on I feel more and more hopeless. I don't know what is stopping me from just ending it all.

Been unemployed my entire adult life until last year when I got a crappy minimum wage customer service job. I tried to put a genuine effort into getting out there and reintegration into society.

Recently left an 8 year long codependent relationship and broke off my engagement with him. I relied on him for everything; emotionally, financially, etc. But I wasn't in love and didn't want to keep dragging him down.

I met someone at my work this year who shifted my view on the world and life. Hence the courage to end my ltr. We shared a connection that I had never experienced with another person. We fell in love quickly and I finally felt that I had a chance at happiness and a future in this life with him.

Unfortunately my personal issues and insecurity got the best of me and I kept on threatening to leave him because I was scared. This last weekend he reached his breaking point and called my bluff and decided it was over for good. He no longer wanted me or the relationship. Told me that most days spent with me were unhappy and that even the good days were bad because of the intensity that carried over. That I stressed him out and overwhelmed him. This all came as a surprise to me because he never really vocalized just how seriously bad it had gotten for him.

When I told him that this all was hard for me to cope with and I didn't know how to get over him because it all happened out of the blue, (which it did in my eyes, I really had no idea it would be over this last weekend and he would be completely out of my life just like that...) he made a face and was in disbelief that I didn't see this coming. That he felt we both knew it would inevitably end and be over soon because of the frequency and intensity of our fights and arguments.

This is the very person who I trusted with everything and let into my life. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. I'm a very private, introverted individual who doesn't get close with anyone for fear of getting hurt. I'm a loner with virtually no friends or family. But I opened my heart to him. He told me he wanted be with me forever and that we could work through anything together as a couple. That anything challenging would make us stronger. Us against the world, he actually used those words.

Now he has reached his breaking point and his feelings for me has shifted. Mine haven't and I am in love with him more than ever. I begged and groveled for him to give me another chance. But he said that he didn't believe that I could actually change and that when I tried working on myself it only lasted a week. That he couldn't be around my negativity and pessimism. How could he have promised me the opposite? We had even discussed marriage and kids...

I'm now filled with regret and sorrow. Wishing I could go back and do everything over and take the relationship more seriously. I would've tried harder and never threatened to leave. It's just that my past emotional baggage was so overwhelming for me. My mind wasn't clear.

I had no time to decompress and work through my unresolved feelings of leaving an 8 year long relationship that spanned my entire adulthood and was my comfort zone. The only thing I had ever known.

I literally moved in with him only a week into seeing each other and leaving my last one. It all happened so quickly and I was apprehensive about the timing from the start, but he reassured me that we were right and our connection was so special and strong that it was impossible to ignore.

So a few days ago he basically kicked me out and I had to move back in with my ex fiancee. Talk about a gigantic step backwards. It feels incredibly awkward and uncomfortable being back in that apartment with him but I have nowhere else to go and nobody else to turn to.

I feel like an incredible burden. I have never been truly independent in life. I pushed away the one person who I wanted more than anything and I now feel completely unloved and abandoned. I'm feeling like such a nasty and undesirable person that he couldn't try to make things work with me. It fills me with further self doubt and feelings that I'm not worth anything as a person. I can't even imagine how I will be able to successfully exist in any relationship in my future. And I'm only getting older.

What makes matters even worse in my current situation is that I work with him still. In fact he was my manager and I ended up having to change positions and switch departments so that he could preserve his job. I was happy to do so back then because that meant we could stay together.

My new position is much worse than my old one where I worked directly under him. It is stressful and involves interacting with a high volume of customers. I also have to see him in the building which makes me feel so uncomfortable and anxious, not knowing when we might cross paths at any point in the day. Which is impossible to avoid.

I'm breaking down here and losing it. I'm feeling unhinged. I can hardly keep it together. On the verge of tears all of the time. I never saw us breaking up, especially after only four months. I never saw an end in sight. I truly believed we had this future together, one that I could never envision, even with my ex fiancee of nearly a decade. I feel foolish for allowing myself to open my heart to this person.

It's so difficult for me to keep this job. I have wanted to walk out and quit or give my two weeks notice so many times in the past few days.

Its hard for me to move on from the person I have fallen asleep with and woken up to every day for the past months. He is acting so cold and callous to me, almost as if he's annoyed with me. He's just so fed up with my bs.

I am dreading this upcoming weekend because I don't know what to do with myself. It used to be something I looked forward to, as we would spend our time together. Idle time is my worst enemy because my thoughts begin to wander and I get inside my head. My thoughts are driving me crazy. I overthink everything.

I am absolutely heartbroken. My day to day has changed so suddenly and abruptly I just don't know how to handle it. I feel like I have two options, ctb or sell all my belongings and move somewhere else in the country. I have lived in the same state my entire life and have always wanted to experience somewhere and something new. Just have always felt scared and held back to do something so seemingly huge.

I'm also fearful that it will just be different environment but same shit. That just because I'm in a different place doesn't mean my state of mind will change. Having become resigned to live every day of my life in unhappiness and just existing in that space means if I want to try and change it will take real conscious effort. It's just so depressing to me that the one person who seemed to want to be there for me and with me along that path, it was too much for them. And I can honestly say that I don't even blame him, I think most people wouldn't want to be in this situation. Nobody wants to be with a broken person. But I was given a false illusion.

To anyone who has taken the time to read even a fraction of this novel I just wrote, thank you and I appreciate it. I know I seem like a whiny emo person but this is my life right now and I'm trying to grasp some kind of perspective.

I think your first mistake was getting involved with someone you work with. I made this terrible decision a few times and I regretted it every time. I realize u were vulnerable because of your childhood history and because you are stuck with a guy you don't get excited about. You are lucky the ex took you back. I'm sure this guy you liked was probably way hotter and sounds like a dick. You became inconvenient for him and he decided to just drop u. I know it sucks and this has happened to me more than once so please don't feel alone in what you are going through. I know how painful, humiliating, and you feel just indescribably bad. I could suggest some people to listen to that have helped straighten me out on reality that I could give you their names on YouTube and it's hard to listen to but many women are so brainwashed on how shit really works because we just aren't educated that well about much. Anyway u can private message me if u want. Sorry u had your heart broken liked this I know it sucks bad.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Flyinglotus wrote : To anyone who has taken the time to read even a fraction of this novel I just wrote, thank you and I appreciate it. I know I seem like a whiny emo person but this is my life right now and I'm trying to grasp some kind of perspective.[/QUOTE]


I was just thinking my daily profound thought today ... /s

I was thinking about my brother and how he can justify being an arsehole because I represent everything that threatens his sense of self.

He is so 'not there ' ... I cannot communicate with him about things that matter.

Things that matter , ( spiritual , psychological ) , would bring his life into perspective and that is a threat , because the only way he can thrive is to be inside an illusion . a tight , successful , conservative , conformist 'reality' ... one that is miserable and unfulfilling , but justified by the very principles that loath and alienate and oppress the qualities that define my identity ( flakey drug addict unemployed immature non-conformist undisciplined fearful loser).

I certainly don't blame him, in this moment , but generally I do ... because the wilful blindness of his comatosed subservience to the status quo disgusts me and I regard it as profoundly cowardly . And this is a dude close to retirement running a thriving business 'making bank' .

Where am I going with this ?

What we live with we learn , what we learn we practice , what we practice we become. ( John Bradshaw )

Some where during our different experiences in the same family , he and I elected to bond with different processes , VALUES , that are in conflict . He needed to belong , I needed 'truth' authenticity , something real ,something 'better'.

He compromised everything authentically individual , I compromised everything socially conformist ( apart from low life compensatory drug use ( still forty fags a day at 54yo ffs !!!)). ( And now smoking is non conformist ... well , thats rebounding on me ...).

At the end of the day , I take after my mother ... "blame blame blame, God will fix it ... save us God "

My brother takes after my father ... " just get the fuck on in life ... material success at all costs ( at ALL costs ...including your own sense of self )".

I'm fast realising ( after thirty years of avoidant alcoholism ), that I have been running a self destructive script of low self esteem and 'I don't deserve to live', because of 'who knows what ' ... identifying with negative scripts about society ?
Perfectionism ? Inherited and practiced narcissism ? Inability to forgive ? Constant internal negative feedback loops ?

Last night I opened up an e-book by Joseph Murphy " The power of the subconscious mind " ...

It is so dated it had a disclaimer in the front ... ( a 2007 reprint )

It's in the title ... what we tell ourselves PERPETUALLY is what defines us .

It's scary stuff .

Anyway , I'll conclude my novel here :)

( sorry for your troubles ... I relate to the reliance on 'the other' a lot I think , hence my reply ... sorry if it seems off point and rambling and all about me ... I'm a narcissist I guess , it's a hell of a thing .)

Maybe because I can't control EVERYTHING , I don't want to bother trying to fit in ?
Maybe because I couldn't control ANYTHING as a youngster , I gave up trying to even control myself .

Disempowered to helplessness.

Disempowered to self-valuelessness.

People do get out of this shit ... but it does seem hopeless sometimes / all the time.

Maybe 'hopelessness' is the final retreat ? The big NO.

It's a jungle ... ( inside and out )and I haven't found the magic machete ... ( to clear the trail )I think we all need to make our own ...

Anyway ... apologies for highjacking your story to talk about me ... there is a glimmer of empathy in there somewhere , maybe .

 

[Fixin’ToDie]

I'm 37. Just tired. I see no reason to tread the water anymore. I don't really believe in the concept of happiness which is alright but no matter how hard I try to find a reason to keep on breathing I just cant. There is no point to stay.

I believe my job here is done.

Except for age (I'm 60+) can relate to every word you say here.

 

[Final Escape]

Flyinglotus wrote : To anyone who has taken the time to read even a fraction of this novel I just wrote, thank you and I appreciate it. I know I seem like a whiny emo person but this is my life right now and I'm trying to grasp some kind of perspective.

I was just thinking my daily profound thought today ... /s

I was thinking about my brother and how he can justify being an arsehole because I represent everything that threatens his sense of self.

He is so 'not there ' ... I cannot communicate with him about things that matter.

Things that matter , ( spiritual , psychological ) , would bring his life into perspective and that is a threat , because the only way he can thrive is to be inside an illusion . a tight , successful , conservative , conformist 'reality' ... one that is miserable and unfulfilling , but justified by the very principles that loath and alienate and oppress the qualities that define my identity ( flakey drug addict unemployed immature non-conformist undisciplined fearful loser).

I certainly don't blame him, in this moment , but generally I do ... because the wilful blindness of his comatosed subservience to the status quo disgusts me and I regard it as profoundly cowardly . And this is a dude close to retirement running a thriving business 'making bank' .

Where am I going with this ?

What we live with we learn , what we learn we practice , what we practice we become. ( John Bradshaw )

Some where during our different experiences in the same family , he and I elected to bond with different processes , VALUES , that are in conflict . He needed to belong , I needed 'truth' authenticity , something real ,something 'better'.

He compromised everything authentically individual , I compromised everything socially conformist ( apart from low life compensatory drug use ( still forty fags a day at 54yo ffs !!!)). ( And now smoking is non conformist ... well , thats rebounding on me ...).

At the end of the day , I take after my mother ... "blame blame blame, God will fix it ... save us God "

My brother takes after my father ... " just get the fuck on in life ... material success at all costs ( at ALL costs ...including your own sense of self )".

I'm fast realising ( after thirty years of avoidant alcoholism ), that I have been running a self destructive script of low self esteem and 'I don't deserve to live', because of 'who knows what ' ... identifying with negative scripts about society ?
Perfectionism ? Inherited and practiced narcissism ? Inability to forgive ? Constant internal negative feedback loops ?

Last night I opened up an e-book by Joseph Murphy " The power of the subconscious mind " ...

It is so dated it had a disclaimer in the front ... ( a 2007 reprint )

It's in the title ... what we tell ourselves PERPETUALLY is what defines us .

It's scary stuff .

Anyway , I'll conclude my novel here :)

( sorry for your troubles ... I relate to the reliance on 'the other' a lot I think , hence my reply ... sorry if it seems off point and rambling and all about me ... I'm a narcissist I guess , it's a hell of a thing .)

Maybe because I can't control EVERYTHING , I don't want to bother trying to fit in ?
Maybe because I couldn't control ANYTHING as a youngster , I gave up trying to even control myself .

Disempowered to helplessness.

Disempowered to self-valuelessness.

People do get out of this shit ... but it does seem hopeless sometimes / all the time.

Maybe 'hopelessness' is the final retreat ? The big NO.

It's a jungle ... ( inside and out )and I haven't found the magic machete ... ( to clear the trail )I think we all need to make our own ...

Anyway ... apologies for highjacking your story to talk about me ... there is a glimmer of empathy in there somewhere , maybe .[/QUOTE]
I actually tried for a time to change my thoughts by recording positive affirmations into the audios of my phone, then relistening to them like once in morning, once at noon, then b4 bed each time for about 10 mins or as long as I could do it with my headphones.I would make up different affirmations that bypass the inner critic because some of us had suffered significant neglect or abuse. We develop negative thought patterns as a result. After about two or three weeks of doing this my negative thinking did improve and I was able to notice when I would slide back into unconscious negative self talk. Then I quit and I reverted back into the usual negative state but I think if I would have continued it may have helped change how I'm behaving and my thought processes permanently. It would take months of working at it though. The key is in the repetition. You tell yourself what u want yourself to do in a way that your subconscious will be receptive and then it begins to change how feel about things. At first because of the inner critic resisting it took time before I became receptive to positive messages to myself. So if you at first cannot handle an affirmation like " I'am learning that I can feel happy and life is great" initially your inner critic will be like no I'm not fuck u lol! But this changes the better u get at coming up with affirmations that can be received easier. If anybody tries this you should repeat one affirmation like 4 times each on your fone in the audios. I had like tons of them recorded after awhile, this can work if u are just depressed to change your mind state. If u think u might want to live or because you want to improve your daily functioning.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I'd love the chance to speak with other older people--though I enjoy chatting with ANYone (mutually respectful). But in all the other similar online sites I've tried (like R-SS), the "older" rooms remained virtually dead. ... ...

I'd certainly visit if such a room appeared here on SS.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

if there is anything we deserve it is a brief sense of peace and a few moments of pain-free euphoria at the end, at the very least.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I was just thinking my daily profound thought today ... /s

I was thinking about my brother and how he can justify being an arsehole because I represent everything that threatens his sense of self.

He is so 'not there ' ... I cannot communicate with him about things that matter.

Things that matter , ( spiritual , psychological ) , would bring his life into perspective and that is a threat , because the only way he can thrive is to be inside an illusion . a tight , successful , conservative , conformist 'reality' ... one that is miserable and unfulfilling , but justified by the very principles that loath and alienate and oppress the qualities that define my identity ( flakey drug addict unemployed immature non-conformist undisciplined fearful loser).

I certainly don't blame him, in this moment , but generally I do ... because the wilful blindness of his comatosed subservience to the status quo disgusts me and I regard it as profoundly cowardly . And this is a dude close to retirement running a thriving business 'making bank' .

Where am I going with this ?

What we live with we learn , what we learn we practice , what we practice we become. ( John Bradshaw )

Some where during our different experiences in the same family , he and I elected to bond with different processes , VALUES , that are in conflict . He needed to belong , I needed 'truth' authenticity , something real ,something 'better'.

He compromised everything authentically individual , I compromised everything socially conformist ( apart from low life compensatory drug use ( still forty fags a day at 54yo ffs !!!)). ( And now smoking is non conformist ... well , thats rebounding on me ...).

At the end of the day , I take after my mother ... "blame blame blame, God will fix it ... save us God "

My brother takes after my father ... " just get the fuck on in life ... material success at all costs ( at ALL costs ...including your own sense of self )".

I'm fast realising ( after thirty years of avoidant alcoholism ), that I have been running a self destructive script of low self esteem and 'I don't deserve to live', because of 'who knows what ' ... identifying with negative scripts about society ?
Perfectionism ? Inherited and practiced narcissism ? Inability to forgive ? Constant internal negative feedback loops ?

Last night I opened up an e-book by Joseph Murphy " The power of the subconscious mind " ...

It is so dated it had a disclaimer in the front ... ( a 2007 reprint )

It's in the title ... what we tell ourselves PERPETUALLY is what defines us .

It's scary stuff .

Anyway , I'll conclude my novel here :)

( sorry for your troubles ... I relate to the reliance on 'the other' a lot I think , hence my reply ... sorry if it seems off point and rambling and all about me ... I'm a narcissist I guess , it's a hell of a thing .)

Maybe because I can't control EVERYTHING , I don't want to bother trying to fit in ?
Maybe because I couldn't control ANYTHING as a youngster , I gave up trying to even control myself .

Disempowered to helplessness.

Disempowered to self-valuelessness.

People do get out of this shit ... but it does seem hopeless sometimes / all the time.

Maybe 'hopelessness' is the final retreat ? The big NO.

It's a jungle ... ( inside and out )and I haven't found the magic machete ... ( to clear the trail )I think we all need to make our own ...

Anyway ... apologies for highjacking your story to talk about me ... there is a glimmer of empathy in there somewhere , maybe .

I actually tried for a time to change my thoughts by recording positive affirmations into the audios of my phone, then relistening to them like once in morning, once at noon, then b4 bed each time for about 10 mins or as long as I could do it with my headphones.I would make up different affirmations that bypass the inner critic because some of us had suffered significant neglect or abuse. We develop negative thought patterns as a result. After about two or three weeks of doing this my negative thinking did improve and I was able to notice when I would slide back into unconscious negative self talk. Then I quit and I reverted back into the usual negative state but I think if I would have continued it may have helped change how I'm behaving and my thought processes permanently. It would take months of working at it though. The key is in the repetition. You tell yourself what u want yourself to do in a way that your subconscious will be receptive and then it begins to change how feel about things. At first because of the inner critic resisting it took time before I became receptive to positive messages to myself. So if you at first cannot handle an affirmation like " I'am learning that I can feel happy and life is great" initially your inner critic will be like no I'm not fuck u lol! But this changes the better u get at coming up with affirmations that can be received easier. If anybody tries this you should repeat one affirmation like 4 times each on your fone in the audios. I had like tons of them recorded after awhile, this can work if u are just depressed to change your mind state. If u think u might want to live or because you want to improve your daily functioning.[/QUOTE]


I hear you ...

I'm interested , as in , if I could be bothered .... in the whole body memory thing ( 'the body keeps the score' ) ...

It leads me to wanting to find a sweet spot of maximum access to the unconscious ... and I think body therapies may be part of that .

Why ? Well , imprinting in infancy was most likely combined with physical contact , and if not totally pre-verbal , then most likely PRE-COGNITIVE ( I'm thinking of dear mothers mind fucking manipulations inside a lose-lose world order , the subtleties of which would have intellectually escaped me , but which were emotionally imprinted as (I conject) ... absolute dread , insecurity and primal terror , evolutionary response ; become a good boy , very quiet , very mature ... the classic ego walk/stand in / fake replacement people pleasing etc , from what i have read )

The crushing of my own personal will " Your so willful"

It took me years to figure out that was my inner core being completely flattened .

Just to have some sense of internal value would be amazing.


I have manic phases , but even I know I'm being deranged ...

( I went to an exhibition recently where we were all given head phones with uber positive narratives , and it was quite alienating ( couldn't relate ) but I sort of got into it , in an imaginary kind of way ( and I think that is the nub - the imagination needs to be on board as a driver ... ?)

It is all very fascinating ...

but is it fucking fascinating enough ? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. :)

 

[shadow11]

im 54 and so ready to end my life after 54 years time for me to die

I'm 57 and I am so ready to die

 

[Final Escape]

I'm 57 and I am so ready to die

I'm 41 and ready to die but only because my circumstances are bad. Otherwise I would probably want to live till I genuinely felt like I'm falling apart due to aging in every way possible.

 

[shadow11]

I'm 41 and ready to die but only because my circumstances are bad. Otherwise I would probably want to live till I genuinely felt like I'm falling apart due to aging in every way possible.

I'm sick and see no way of getting better my life was good until 2 years ago I am thankful for that

 

[Throwawaysoul]

Wow other 30 pluses. I'm 40, no friends, no family, no career. One thing I have going for me is that I could CTB right now and no one would question anything until rent was late or my neighbors complain about the smell. I've felt this way for over a decade now and I'm tired.

 

[lv-gras]

Hey, yeah.

late-ish 30s here, waves hallo to all,of you.

 

[typx]

Wow other 30 pluses. I'm 40, no friends, no family, no career. One thing I have going for me is that I could CTB right now and no one would question anything until rent was late or my neighbors complain about the smell. I've felt this way for over a decade now and I'm tired.

Hey man. I hear you. How do you go on?

 

[typx]

Hey, yeah.

late-ish 30s here, waves hallo to all,of you.

Hello there

 

[Smilla]

I think I answered before but I'll answer again.

I'm 38, almost 39.

Spent last two holidays drinking alone in my apartment. So I relate to the lonely souls here.

 

[Midnight]

32 ... Half of that depressed/suicidal. I postpone ctb'ing with distractions that cost alot of money so when i hit bottom it's time to go.

 

[Smilla]

32 ... Half of that depressed/suicidal. I postpone ctb'ing with distractions that cost alot of money so when i hit bottom it's time to go.

I postpone everything

 

[Dip]

I'm 30, male, about to turn 31.

I've always had issues with authority and most people in general since I was little. What's changed since then is gaining experience and knowledge of the world and people around me.

 

[Living_Ghost]

39 almost 40 from Ireland .This shit gets worse every year . Either you make it in life by now or you don't . Alas I'm close to the end . Family holds me back for now.

 

[Battered_Seoul]

Male. 34.

Always been pessimistically inclined. But the loss of youthful hope and the opportunity for more independent reading post-education really has laid bare the reality that sentient, organic Being is desperately kept in motion by instinct and illusion and seemingly defined by eons of bland sensation and mass butchery.

Anyone who decides to reject life on moral and metaphysical grounds has absolutely no need to justify themselves whatsoever. Suicide is a natural death from spiritual causes.

Although, I appreciate that this could be a self serving rationalisation spun by my depressed brain.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

37. I've never been big on my life. I realized i have a right to end it twelve years ago ( give it take). I started to take the possibility of ending it as achievable a couple of years ago. I'm scared as hell.

My problems are still the same a they were 20 years ago, for the most part. Ten years ago I swore to myself I wouldn't hit 37 if i wasn't "better".

The only difference now is that i know there is no "better" I'd be happy with. That which passes as "better" to most doesn't interest me.

I can't do this for ANOTHER 30+ years.

 

[Oblivion]

30 here, yeh reasons are different from teenage hood now, my ugliness used to bother, now i don't care about how i look, it doesn't really matter as i learnt to accept myself the way i am, also rejection by people was a big issue for me, now i prefer to be alone and not spend much time with friends.
now i am more calm and more certain about suicide, i know what i want and its not impulsive.

 

[typx]

Male. 34.

Always been pessimistically inclined. But the loss of youthful hope and the opportunity for more independent reading post-education really has laid bare the reality that sentient, organic Being is desperately kept in motion by instinct and illusion and seemingly defined by eons of bland sensation and mass butchery.

Anyone who decides to reject life on moral and metaphysical grounds has absolutely no need to justify themselves whatsoever. Suicide is a natural death from spiritual causes.

Although, I appreciate that this could be a self serving rationalisation spun by my depressed brain.

I'm 34 as well and I can say pretty definitively that youthful hope is all that has kept me going. Every time reality came a-knocking I'd just run into another experience meant for the young. But at 33 I woke up one day with reality at the door again and no escape routes left. Then I looked at my life and the carnage I'd caused. The days just get uglier from there.

 

[shadow11]

Wow other 30 pluses. I'm 40, no friends, no family, no career. One thing I have going for me is that I could CTB right now and no one would question anything until rent was late or my neighbors complain about the smell. I've felt this way for over a decade now and I'm tired.

How do you keep going

 

[been_there]

50+. Am done. Many bad choices and toxic people in past. Wife used the children as weapons, fucked them up. Family court encouraged her. Stalked & sabotaged for years, impossible to deal with without becoming violent scum like them. Breakdown, depression blah blah. Friends & family help sometimes. Meds help to survive but hinder few remaining joys. All day to day now.