Older members (30+)

[typx]

There was a thread made recently where someone asked if this site was mostly younger people. While they may make up the majority; there are also many older people on here. I know a lot of the things I see on here remind me of when I was in my teens and don't really apply like they once did.

Anyone at any age can suffer, but age does change your outlook on some things. So I was wondering if a thread where older people (say.. anyone over 30) want to talk to the same might be useful.

 

[typx]

Yeah, I agree with you on that. Things are pretty much the same as when I was a teenager. But that's part of the problem. A head stuck in the past.

 

[Катюша]

I would appreciate a thread like this. I am a woman in my mid 30s.

My reasons for wanting to ctb have only grown in both number and complexity as I've gotten older. I sincerely empathize with the younger folks, I really do. But as strange as it may sound, and feel to say, it would be nice to commiserate with others with, um, more mileage? lol.

It seems like people around me are dropping like flies. I wish to join them. I've tried but have not succeeded due to others selfishness.

*Edited typos

 

[Fixin’ToDie]

The idea has merit. Count me in!

I guess the significant thing for me is I never considered suicide an option until my mid to late fifties; had no reason to up until then. I think with age, too, you reach a point where you suddenly realise the finitude of life; and perhaps the futility of seeing it out. For me, grim realities wrought by circumstance. That's my experience anyway.

 

[Smilla]

Sign me up. I'm 38 and have accumulated enough evidence in my own life which says, desperately and with certainty, that I need to leave. In fact, I am long overdue for my exit.

I won't see 39.

 

[typx]

The idea has merit. Count me in!

I guess the significant thing for me is I never considered suicide an option until my mid to late fifties; had no reason to up until then. I think with age, too, you reach a point where you suddenly realise the finitude of life; and perhaps the futility of seeing it out. For me, grim realities wrought by circumstance. That's my experience anyway.

I think you're right. That's a lot of what has driven me here. Reality slapped me in the face with a lot of facts. You can only run and hide for so long as it turns out. And, for me, you can complain about external factors being unfair until you're blue in the face, but ultimately it's just you and your crummy life.

 

[6477244ts5]

I am mid 40s. I was never suicidal until bad doctors ruined my health later in life so I cannot relate at all to someone who just always felt that way or does so for reasons they cannot understand. That sounds terrifying honestly. I don't want to deal with this even now, but I couldn't have handled the feelings at all as a kid.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I'm a 32 year old male.

 

[Катюша]

The idea has merit. Count me in!

I guess the significant thing for me is I never considered suicide an option until my mid to late fifties; had no reason to up until then. I think with age, too, you reach a point where you suddenly realise the finitude of life; and perhaps the futility of seeing it out. For me, grim realities wrought by circumstance. That's my experience anyway.

Thank you for chiming in!

I have few friends my age. I'm the youngest of a large, semi-religious family and I'm watching everyone die long, drawn out, painful deaths. Those who don't end up that way live well into their 90s at least. The rest? They've offed themselves or are planning on it. The last group are the ones that have greatly contributed to my complete and utter loss of hope. The seemingly happy, healthy, content, successful people full of vitality, smiles, compassion, empathy, intellectual and emotional intelligence... If there is nothing for them to live for then my perspective is only validated with each individual's exit. Oh, I forgot to mention all the murders. There are those too.

My medical file is a joke. On paper you'd wonder how I'm still alive and/or think I'm a feeble, decrepit 90 year old. Partially true I suppose. I can no longer work and have lost my own source of income (doctors refuse to give me the official diagnosis I would need to qualify for disability because I'm ""too young"); I am completely dependent on the aid of others which causes resentment on both sides and all but a few friends, maybe 2, have disappeared from my life.

I'm holding out for N or something I can use with an IV. I'm unable to reliably keep anything down. Even with my endless supply of promethazine which doesn't do a damn thing for me anymore. I've lost 13 pounds in the last week alone. It's disgusting to be at 85 pounds and have so many people tell me how great I look and, worse yet, ask me "what is your secret to looking so good?" Ugh.

Finitude is such a great word, by the way :)

The struggle is real and so very futile.

I've been so close. I'm not afraid. I only have immediate access to painful methods though. Looking right at them :) I have felt so unworthy and undeserving nearly my entire life. I was punished harshly when my parents discovered me praying for death when I was 5. Good times.

I don't know how old you are but if there is anything we deserve it is a brief sense of peace and a few moments of pain-free euphoria at the end, at the very least.

I wish for the above for anyone reading this regardless of age.

 

[Karlala]

I'm 30 plus

 

[ReleaseMe]

I'm 29, feeling like i'm 50 though

 

[musicislife]

I would appreciate a thread like this. I am a woman in my mid 30s.

My reasons for wanting to ctb have only grown in both number and complexity as I've gotten older. I sincerely empathize with the younger folks, I really do. But as strange as it may sound, and feel to say, it would be nice to commiserate with others with, um, more mileage? lol.

It seems like people around me are dropping like flies. I wish to join them. I've tried but have not succeeded due to others selfishness.

*Edited typos

Mind us asking what methods you tried and why you didn't succeed ?

 

[wanttodie]

im 54 and so ready to end my life after 54 years time for me to die

 

[goggleboxers]

im 54 and so ready to end my life after 54 years time for me to die

What's giving you the strength to keep on going ?

 

[Катюша]

Mind us asking what methods you tried and why you didn't succeed ?

Sure. I worry this list could potentially identify me. Oh well, I guess!

In order of attempts...

1. Alcohol poisoning, age 11 or 12 (I don't drink otherwise)
2. Starvation, age 12 (easy when you can't afford food and your parent doesn't buy it for you)
3. Exposure/hypothermia.
4. "Accidentally" broke a vial of noradrenaline in my hands (friend's parent was a doctor)
5. Compazine OD. I have a reaction that is fatal if left untreated.
6. MASSIVE opiate/benzo OD w/alcohol
7. Massive nortriptyline/amitriptyline/benzo OD
8. Massive opiate, benzo, amphetamine, etc. OD, basically a pharmaceutical speedball.
9. Hanging, multiple times over the years. Easier said than done.

I had a genetic test done by one of my doctors because I'm either extremely sensitive to meds and get unbearable side effects or they don't work at all. It confirmed my bizarre metabolic issues. When I say massive I mean MASSIVE. Maybe I'm an alien or mutant of some kind. Ha.

Recovering from chest compressions, defibrillation, intubation, and comas is no fun so I've stopped trying and hope the neurological and endocrine issues I'm being monitored for will strike me down.

What would put the vast majority of people down rather quickly just makes me take a long, cozy nap. I've always been found despite being highly organized and very detailed in my planning.


Does the time my mother left me sleeping in a running car in a closed garage after surgery count?

If I can ever acquire the means to pay for it I plan on buying 4 bottles of N. Watch me be the rare freak who can't be taken down even with that amount despite being very petite.

 

[NoDream]

Im 44, the reason for comitting suicide has changed.
When i was 5 yo it was because of abuse and torture.
Now its more because i see how we misstreat others and especially all the animals and our environment.
Allso im sick, my husband is nearly 30 y older, my kid is a narcisst like his grandma and we dont have any money.

Life is over. Have no idea how i managed so far.

 

[Катюша]

Im 44, the reason for comitting suicide has changed.
When i was 5 yo it was because of abuse and torture.
Now its more because i see how we misstreat others and especially all the animals and our environment.
Allso im sick, my husband is nearly 30 y older, my kid is a narcisst like his grandma and we dont have any money.

Life is over. Have no idea how i managed so far.

I empathize and sympathize with you so much.

The world sucks. No one cares about people like us even though we are told to "keep fighting" and "it will get better." So easy for people to say who've had everything handed to them on a silver platter.

Narcs are The Worst. Capital T, capital W.

Both of those things are major factors for me. I imagine they are for many others on this board as well.

Life is a trap.

 

[Poseidon]

I empathize and sympathize with you so much.

Do you speak russian?

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

My reasons, such as they are, have developed and evolved a bit over the years, but the roots are still recognizable: loneliness and an ongoing unhappiness which has only sent out vines and brambles, entwining more and more of my life. Health issues have only compounded my problems.

Middle-age has brought me no comfort or perspective, as I was promised. Time has only blunted the edges of the hopes I had used to occasionally slash through the encroaching jungle. Now I know that all of my crushes will be without result, now I've realized that my struggles to improve my situation are futile.

Some new wrinkles have emerged, though. The march of time: being confronted with the deaths of authors, scientists, musicians, actors, and artists who have meant so much to me. The aging of my mother and my friends has been painful to witness; I can do nothing to stop it. Even as this goes on, all of the landmarks of my youth have been swallowed up by bankruptcies and buyouts. Fields I once walked through as I wrestled with my teenage despair are now parking lots, drive-throughs, and gas stations. The ice cream shop where my high school girlfriend worked is now a Starbucks; the little movie theater we went visited is just an empty corner of a building.

Thinking about my career, such as it is, leaves me only with feelings of uselessness. I feel like I can be swept aside at any point.

One of the less-anticipated portions of growing old is that now my life is filled with objects. Junk, really. I am coming to loathe my possessions. I spent too much money and time on distractions like books, music, and movies. Now they have almost no resale value, certainly not enough to compensate for the time it takes to get rid of them. It is all just

Time has turned my dreams to dreads

 

[VanHeineken]

I am 40-ish and I have always hated my life. And it only gets worse! The world is an evil place! Most people are evil!

 

[Lost]

I am 54 and hate my life now. To much problems

 

[mwu14]

30s. Reasons for wanting to CTB are also the same as when I was younger along with additional issues.

 

[Definitelyworried]

My reasons, such as they are, have developed and evolved a bit over the years, but the roots are still recognizable: loneliness and an ongoing unhappiness which has only sent out vines and brambles, entwining more and more of my life. Health issues have only compounded my problems.

Middle-age has brought me no comfort or perspective, as I was promised. Time has only blunted the edges of the hopes I had used to occasionally slash through the encroaching jungle. Now I know that all of my crushes will be without result, now I've realized that my struggles to improve my situation are futile.

Some new wrinkles have emerged, though. The march of time: being confronted with the deaths of authors, scientists, musicians, actors, and artists who have meant so much to me. The aging of my mother and my friends has been painful to witness; I can do nothing to stop it. Even as this goes on, all of the landmarks of my youth have been swallowed up by bankruptcies and buyouts. Fields I once walked through as I wrestled with my teenage despair are now parking lots, drive-throughs, and gas stations. The ice cream shop where my high school girlfriend worked is now a Starbucks; the little movie theater we went visited is just an empty corner of a building.

Thinking about my career, such as it is, leaves me only with feelings of uselessness. I feel like I can be swept aside at any point.

One of the less-anticipated portions of growing old is that now my life is filled with objects. Junk, really. I am coming to loathe my possessions. I spent too much money and time on distractions like books, music, and movies. Now they have almost no resale value, certainly not enough to compensate for the time it takes to get rid of them. It is all just

Time has turned my dreams to dreads

I'm 32 and I could relate with this very much.

 

[Fixin’ToDie]

I'm 29, feeling like i'm 50 though

I like that you're honest, but don't like that you're feeling 50. You're in!

 

[PhilistineEars]

35, had a sense of loneliness and chronic social embarrassment/Shame/awkwardnessall my life, but the switch flipped at 21 and have never gotten away from it.

I've now lost everything to it - meds, therapy was crap/a struggle. At some point one just stops treading water and that's where I'm at.

 

[Cya89]

35, had a sense of loneliness and chronic social embarrassment/Shame/awkwardnessall my life, but the switch flipped at 21 and have never gotten away from it.

I've now lost everything to it - meds, therapy was crap/a struggle. At some point one just stops treading water and that's where I'm at.

What meds and therapy have you tried out of curiosity?

 

[PhilistineEars]

What meds and therapy have you tried out of curiosity?

Paxil (worst), Sertaline, Solexa

Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Traditional "Couch Talk", oh and a two week stint (self admitted at 21/22) psych stay

 

[Smilla]

What meds and therapy have you tried out of curiosity?

Spent thousands on psychoanalysis—first with a sadistic shrink then with a competent Jungian analyst who was kind at least.

I despise therapy.

 

[mrscat]

I'm 37 years old. Facing homeless, depression, existential crisis, weariness of life.

 

[Smilla]

I'm 37 years old. Facing homeless, depression, existential crisis, weariness of life.

Hey I am 38! In the same boat.

Just wait one more year and things will get better (insert sarcastic evil grin).

No, sincerely I hope you find relief here or there.