(Potential) goodbye thread

[bl33ding_heart]

So I may or may not ctb in a little over a month from now. The reason I'm waiting is because in a month from now I'll have the money to buy substances such as Nembutal, sn or potentially something else to "catch the bus" with. Life really is unpredictable, and absolutely anything can happen within the timeframe of now and me being able to purchase ctb substances. So I'm not 100% set on dying. Who knows, my life might change for the better and I might end up having a renewed will to live. But I'm making this thread as I don't think I would have it in me to make a goodbye thread before committing, as I would likely be in a lot of emotional distress or have my mind very occupied by other stuff. So if by the end of may I suddenly stop posting then you know what happened, and you can share your condolences here. I really don't wanna die, and hope life doesn't lead me to my demise this soon. I really wanna be happy and have a normal life like most people. But my stupid fucking borderline personality disorder makes it impossible. And I seriously don't know if I'll have it in me to keep going any longer, this torture inducing disorder is driving me insane. I've been on this site for over a year now and only very recently became active again. And I just wanna say this site has helped me. The people here are very understanding and empathetic, and actually listen. And I like having a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings unfiltered. God bless everyone here, and I hope you all find peace in some way or another.

 

[UltraAlter]

I hope one way or another you find the peace you deserve. I do sincerely hope you find it in life, but however the tides turn, I wish you all the best

 

[unluckysadness]

Thanks for your kind words You must be a very good person (and I'm sure you are). It's heartbreaking to see good people suffer like this.
I really wish you peace, whatever must happen As you mention God, may He do a last minute miracle for you.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I hope one way or another you find the peace you deserve. I do sincerely hope you find it in life, but however the tides turn, I wish you all the best

Thank you so much, I also wish peace upon you.

Thanks for your kind words You must be a very good person (and I'm sure you are). It's heartbreaking to see good people suffer like this.
I really wish you peace, whatever must happen As you mention God, may He do a last minute miracle for you.

Thank you. I also really hope the tables can turn for you in a positive way if possible. Much love.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I hope things can really get better for you. I'm glad you have some hope.I know you said you can't get meds, but i hope you can eventually and they help with the bpd. I got meds that made me a little more stable. Help for this isn't completely hopeless. I understand the torture feeling and I get if you can't get better and just want the pain to end. I wish you the best. I liked your posts they were very relatable.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I hope things can really get better for you. I'm glad you have some hope.I know you said you can't get meds, but i hope you can eventually and they help with the bpd. I got meds that made me a little more stable. Help for this isn't completely hopeless. I understand the torture feeling and I get if you can't get better and just want the pain to end. I wish you the best. I liked your posts they were very relatable.

Thank you, hearing about people with bpd managing to cope and do well really does give me hope through this hell.

 

[thehorizons]

So I may or may not ctb in a little over a month from now. The reason I'm waiting is because in a month from now I'll have the money to buy substances such as Nembutal, sn or potentially something else to "catch the bus" with. Life really is unpredictable, and absolutely anything can happen within the timeframe of now and me being able to purchase ctb substances. So I'm not 100% set on dying. Who knows, my life might change for the better and I might end up having a renewed will to live. But I'm making this thread as I don't think I would have it in me to make a goodbye thread before committing, as I would likely be in a lot of emotional distress or have my mind very occupied by other stuff. So if by the end of may I suddenly stop posting then you know what happened, and you can share your condolences here. I really don't wanna die, and hope life doesn't lead me to my demise this soon. I really wanna be happy and have a normal life like most people. But my stupid fucking borderline personality disorder makes it impossible. And I seriously don't know if I'll have it in me to keep going any longer, this torture inducing disorder is driving me insane. I've been on this site for over a year now and only very recently became active again. And I just wanna say this site has helped me. The people here are very understanding and empathetic, and actually listen. And I like having a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings unfiltered. God bless everyone here, and I hope you all find peace in some way or another.

If you want to keep on living please keep on living in the meantime. I was recently diagnosed with oral cancer and I have a neurological condition that prevents me from sleeping normally due to short-term benzo use (I wasn't sleeping for two weeks straight and every time when I try to sleep I can't breathe). Just when my appetite returned from the condition was fate so cruel so as to throw me oral cancer and a condition that would prevent me from getting surgery for oral cancer without injuring my nervous system (anesthesia would potentially set my condition back and I'm afraid of recovering from surgery whilst being unable to sleep). I wanted to live so much before all these illnesses; my life was purposeful and on track. Now, I'm a shell of myself. I can't find joy since I feel my life is stolen and it pains me to think of the past every time (e.g. how my parents raised me, the friends I made throughout the years, the hopes and dreams I had). I'm living right now because truth is I'm scared of a painful CTB-death that isn't guaranteed (partial hanging is unreliable) and I can't easily obtain the Nitrogen method. I'm not suicidal by heart, but the thought of losing my ability to CTB due to these damn illnesses in the near future and the thought of my parents having to go through me suffering from oral cancer are the two things that make me want to CTB.

 

[Aflame5926]

So I may or may not ctb in a little over a month from now. The reason I'm waiting is because in a month from now I'll have the money to buy substances such as Nembutal, sn or potentially something else to "catch the bus" with. Life really is unpredictable, and absolutely anything can happen within the timeframe of now and me being able to purchase ctb substances. So I'm not 100% set on dying. Who knows, my life might change for the better and I might end up having a renewed will to live. But I'm making this thread as I don't think I would have it in me to make a goodbye thread before committing, as I would likely be in a lot of emotional distress or have my mind very occupied by other stuff. So if by the end of may I suddenly stop posting then you know what happened, and you can share your condolences here. I really don't wanna die, and hope life doesn't lead me to my demise this soon. I really wanna be happy and have a normal life like most people. But my stupid fucking borderline personality disorder makes it impossible. And I seriously don't know if I'll have it in me to keep going any longer, this torture inducing disorder is driving me insane. I've been on this site for over a year now and only very recently became active again. And I just wanna say this site has helped me. The people here are very understanding and empathetic, and actually listen. And I like having a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings unfiltered. God bless everyone here, and I hope you all find peace in some way or another.

my 2 cents of a opinion. just BUY it.

store it. and make the commitment later. the option of having it vs not having it huge.
if are going please have a good journey. and hopefully you get the rest you need and deserve.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

If you want to keep on living please keep on living in the meantime. I was recently diagnosed with oral cancer and I have a neurological condition that prevents me from sleeping normally due to short-term benzo use (I wasn't sleeping for two weeks straight and every time when I try to sleep I can't breathe). Just when my appetite returned from the condition was fate so cruel so as to throw me oral cancer and a condition that would prevent me from getting surgery for oral cancer without injuring my nervous system (anesthesia would potentially set my condition back and I'm afraid of recovering from surgery whilst being unable to sleep). I wanted to live so much before all these illnesses; my life was purposeful and on track. Now, I'm a shell of myself. I can't find joy since I feel my life is stolen and it pains me to think of the past every time (e.g. how my parents raised me, the friends I made throughout the years, the hopes and dreams I had). I'm living right now because truth is I'm scared of a painful CTB-death that isn't guaranteed (partial hanging is unreliable) and I can't easily obtain the Nitrogen method. I'm not suicidal by heart, but the thought of losing my ability to CTB due to these damn illnesses in the near future and the thought of my parents having to go through me suffering from oral cancer are the two things that make me want to CTB.

That sounds so hellish I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that. I've had 2 friends that suffered with cancer for years and were suicidal. So while I of course have no idea what it feels like, I do sort of understand. I really hope you're able to get the right treatment that works for you and make a full recovery, you don't deserve to have your life ruined by health ailments. If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me. I almost always respond. Much love.

my 2 cents of a opinion. just BUY it.

store it. and make the commitment later. the option of having it vs not having it huge.
if are going please have a good journey. and hopefully you get the rest you need and deserve.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.