Venting I’m not sure if I really want to die

[m3nhera]

Besides all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind, I also just don't want to deal with literally all the terrible things that come along with suicide. It all sounds so exhausting and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

I don't have to do it, but I know that if I don't I'll just be in pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine not feeling this way anymore, and I know I'll feel like this forever. It never gets better for me. I'm just not sure what to do if suicide is off the table, I don't want to deal with death but also don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not ready for recovery(at least that's what I tell myself to avoid trying to get better), but I realized I'll probably never be ready. If I wait until I'm ready, I might just be waiting until I die from old age. I can't fully commit to either thing but I realized I don't necessarily have to, but everything is complicated and mentally draining and I'm so sick of it all. I'm tired of this illness, it has taken so much from me. And I'm tired of my life(mainly toxic family). I never really know what I want regarding this and it's draining, I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

 

[LostHighway]

Besides all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind, I also just don't want to deal with literally all the terrible things that come along with suicide. It all sounds so exhausting and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

I don't have to do it, but I know that if I don't I'll just be in pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine not feeling this way anymore, and I know I'll feel like this forever. It never gets better for me. I'm just not sure what to do if suicide is off the table, I don't want to deal with death but also don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not ready for recovery(at least that's what I tell myself to avoid trying to get better), but I realized I'll probably never be ready. If I wait until I'm ready, I might just be waiting until I die from old age. I can't fully commit to either thing but I realized I don't necessarily have to, but everything is complicated and mentally draining and I'm so sick of it all. I'm tired of this illness, it has taken so much from me. And I'm tired of my life(mainly toxic family). I never really know what I want regarding this and it's draining, I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

Are you in therapy? Have you tried Prozac or Lexapro? Do you have a supportive, emotionally healthy group of friends? Any interests? I'm happy you're choosing to live, at least for now. I'm so sorry to hear your family is toxic. Any way to plan to extricate yourself from the situation? Schooling? A job? A roommate situation? Please, please realize that all of this isn't permanent. Your life is likely this way in part because of your constant negative self talk. Once you break that cycle, you'll start to feel hope, moments of feeling okay that will continue to grow longer, and you'll want to carry on with life.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

Besides all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind, I also just don't want to deal with literally all the terrible things that come along with suicide. It all sounds so exhausting and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

I don't have to do it, but I know that if I don't I'll just be in pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine not feeling this way anymore, and I know I'll feel like this forever. It never gets better for me. I'm just not sure what to do if suicide is off the table, I don't want to deal with death but also don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not ready for recovery(at least that's what I tell myself to avoid trying to get better), but I realized I'll probably never be ready. If I wait until I'm ready, I might just be waiting until I die from old age. I can't fully commit to either thing but I realized I don't necessarily have to, but everything is complicated and mentally draining and I'm so sick of it all. I'm tired of this illness, it has taken so much from me. And I'm tired of my life(mainly toxic family). I never really know what I want regarding this and it's draining, I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

It's okay to feel stuck and even to be stuck. Stuff can really feel like an uphill battle no matter what because there's just so much involved and so many things to do.

I will say that it's okay to put down the what ifs for a while and just focus on one thing at a time. Even if that one thing is so miniscule like drinking a cup of water or going to the bathroom or stuff like that. That kinda helped me get though some stuff (was hard because I don't have people who understand in my life and I had to just tell myself that their opinions are dogshit and don't matter to me). After a while I was able to handle more complex thoughts and actions and decisions.