Venting I’m not sure if I really want to die

[m3nhera]

Besides all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind, I also just don't want to deal with literally all the terrible things that come along with suicide. It all sounds so exhausting and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

I don't have to do it, but I know that if I don't I'll just be in pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine not feeling this way anymore, and I know I'll feel like this forever. It never gets better for me. I'm just not sure what to do if suicide is off the table, I don't want to deal with death but also don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not ready for recovery(at least that's what I tell myself to avoid trying to get better), but I realized I'll probably never be ready. If I wait until I'm ready, I might just be waiting until I die from old age. I can't fully commit to either thing but I realized I don't necessarily have to, but everything is complicated and mentally draining and I'm so sick of it all. I'm tired of this illness, it has taken so much from me. And I'm tired of my life(mainly toxic family). I never really know what I want regarding this and it's draining, I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

 

[LostHighway]

Besides all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind, I also just don't want to deal with literally all the terrible things that come along with suicide. It all sounds so exhausting and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

I don't have to do it, but I know that if I don't I'll just be in pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine not feeling this way anymore, and I know I'll feel like this forever. It never gets better for me. I'm just not sure what to do if suicide is off the table, I don't want to deal with death but also don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not ready for recovery(at least that's what I tell myself to avoid trying to get better), but I realized I'll probably never be ready. If I wait until I'm ready, I might just be waiting until I die from old age. I can't fully commit to either thing but I realized I don't necessarily have to, but everything is complicated and mentally draining and I'm so sick of it all. I'm tired of this illness, it has taken so much from me. And I'm tired of my life(mainly toxic family). I never really know what I want regarding this and it's draining, I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

Are you in therapy? Have you tried Prozac or Lexapro? Do you have a supportive, emotionally healthy group of friends? Any interests? I'm happy you're choosing to live, at least for now. I'm so sorry to hear your family is toxic. Any way to plan to extricate yourself from the situation? Schooling? A job? A roommate situation? Please, please realize that all of this isn't permanent. Your life is likely this way in part because of your constant negative self talk. Once you break that cycle, you'll start to feel hope, moments of feeling okay that will continue to grow longer, and you'll want to carry on with life.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

Besides all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind, I also just don't want to deal with literally all the terrible things that come along with suicide. It all sounds so exhausting and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

I don't have to do it, but I know that if I don't I'll just be in pain for the rest of my life. I can't imagine not feeling this way anymore, and I know I'll feel like this forever. It never gets better for me. I'm just not sure what to do if suicide is off the table, I don't want to deal with death but also don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm not ready for recovery(at least that's what I tell myself to avoid trying to get better), but I realized I'll probably never be ready. If I wait until I'm ready, I might just be waiting until I die from old age. I can't fully commit to either thing but I realized I don't necessarily have to, but everything is complicated and mentally draining and I'm so sick of it all. I'm tired of this illness, it has taken so much from me. And I'm tired of my life(mainly toxic family). I never really know what I want regarding this and it's draining, I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

It's okay to feel stuck and even to be stuck. Stuff can really feel like an uphill battle no matter what because there's just so much involved and so many things to do.

I will say that it's okay to put down the what ifs for a while and just focus on one thing at a time. Even if that one thing is so miniscule like drinking a cup of water or going to the bathroom or stuff like that. That kinda helped me get though some stuff (was hard because I don't have people who understand in my life and I had to just tell myself that their opinions are dogshit and don't matter to me). After a while I was able to handle more complex thoughts and actions and decisions.

 

[Yuri440]

Hello it's your resident sasu follower again. Hope outside of this you've been doing alright since we last spoke, m3nhera <3

and then I remember it's completely optional, but it doesn't feel that way.

Suicide is a brutal thing. To me it's the perfect form of escape. Feeling trapped by life, all the shit it throws at you, and suicide is sat there like hey bby I can get you out hahaha I feel like there's definitely going to be options out there, but right now you're not able to see them due to the situation you're in and the hopelessness you feel, or they're genuinely not there yet and will eventually appear ya know? Things take time, and unfortunately for people like me who want that instant kinda reaction from stuff, it ends up feeling hopeless imo

I'm not ready for recovery

And that's okay. You don't have to be, you can take your time getting to a point where you feel you can. Like I said before, and will keep saying because it's my bread and butter, every step, even the lil baby ones, are still steps. Take any step you can <3

I just feel stuck. Never working toward either thing.

I felt like that a lot, still do occasionally. Recovery can be unique to each person I think, and it's hard to find what works for you. Same with suicide tbf, like sure there's all the methods right there but finding one that works for you and your situation is a challenge by itself. One that I'm still struggling with, to some extent. SI is a bitch, jeez

IMHO, there's nothing wrong with being stuck in this limbo for a while. You could use it as a period where you recharge yourself a bit to get to the point where you go through with either side. Hopefully, of course, you push for recovery, but given the site we're on there's always the suicide part. Either way, we're here to chat shit and help where we can <3 I feel like I've blabbered a bunch without thinking and I'm too lazy to proof read so hopefully it makes sense lmao

Also I know you said before you like me gandering at the stuff you post so it doesn't feel like you're talking to the void. I'm like in and out of being on the site atm so if I miss anything for a bit, it's just because I haven't been on, and I'll catch up to it once I am <3

Tis nice replying to another one of your posts tbh haha

 

[wisdom]

If you aren´t sure dont do it. I wasnt sure when I tried

 

[m3nhera]

Hello it's your resident sasu follower again. Hope outside of this you've been doing alright since we last spoke, m3nhera <3


Suicide is a brutal thing. To me it's the perfect form of escape. Feeling trapped by life, all the shit it throws at you, and suicide is sat there like hey bby I can get you out hahaha I feel like there's definitely going to be options out there, but right now you're not able to see them due to the situation you're in and the hopelessness you feel, or they're genuinely not there yet and will eventually appear ya know? Things take time, and unfortunately for people like me who want that instant kinda reaction from stuff, it ends up feeling hopeless imo


And that's okay. You don't have to be, you can take your time getting to a point where you feel you can. Like I said before, and will keep saying because it's my bread and butter, every step, even the lil baby ones, are still steps. Take any step you can <3


I felt like that a lot, still do occasionally. Recovery can be unique to each person I think, and it's hard to find what works for you. Same with suicide tbf, like sure there's all the methods right there but finding one that works for you and your situation is a challenge by itself. One that I'm still struggling with, to some extent. SI is a bitch, jeez

IMHO, there's nothing wrong with being stuck in this limbo for a while. You could use it as a period where you recharge yourself a bit to get to the point where you go through with either side. Hopefully, of course, you push for recovery, but given the site we're on there's always the suicide part. Either way, we're here to chat shit and help where we can <3 I feel like I've blabbered a bunch without thinking and I'm too lazy to proof read so hopefully it makes sense lmao

Also I know you said before you like me gandering at the stuff you post so it doesn't feel like you're talking to the void. I'm like in and out of being on the site atm so if I miss anything for a bit, it's just because I haven't been on, and I'll catch up to it once I am <3

Tis nice replying to another one of your posts tbh haha

It's nice to read one of your replies again haha. I've been doing a bit better, trying to work more often. It takes my mind off of these things. I agree with what you said, although it's not that I think it's "wrong" to stay in limbo, it's just exhausting sometimes. It doesn't recharge me, maybe I should try changing my perspective. I hope your day's been good.

 

[Yuri440]

I've been doing a bit better

You didn't see it, obviously, but I literally lifted my arms up and went woo. God I'm so stupid sometimes hahahaha

it's not that I think it's "wrong" to stay in limbo, it's just exhausting sometimes

It is for sure. Especially when you feel lost between these things and it eats at you because you think less of yourself because you're stuck in something like that. I don't think any one here would think less of you for it, myself absolutely included in that <3 Just take your time with it, and if you can find something in the interim that can help you chill even a tiny bit, do it <3 Music is that for me, I've been playing music none stop all the time, outside of trying to get back into playing games, and it's helped me a bit. It drowns out the thoughts so I don't think of suicide as much haha

I hope your day's been good.

In and out, but thanks for asking of course <3 Tried to hang myself but didn't work, YEEHAW, and outside of that it's just been existing, dissociating, appointments with the mental health team (I HAVE TWO NEXT WEEK THE GREEDY FUCKERS), and music of course. Trying to think of a song to share since I enjoy it so much, but I don't know your tastes so I'm just gonna shove something I have been loving again lately here!

Spoiler: The Poet and the Muse

Hopefully you enjoy it, and feel free to share some back. I love it so much <3

 

[m3nhera]

You didn't see it, obviously, but I literally lifted my arms up and went woo. God I'm so stupid sometimes hahahaha


It is for sure. Especially when you feel lost between these things and it eats at you because you think less of yourself because you're stuck in something like that. I don't think any one here would think less of you for it, myself absolutely included in that <3 Just take your time with it, and if you can find something in the interim that can help you chill even a tiny bit, do it <3 Music is that for me, I've been playing music none stop all the time, outside of trying to get back into playing games, and it's helped me a bit. It drowns out the thoughts so I don't think of suicide as much haha


In and out, but thanks for asking of course <3 Tried to hang myself but didn't work, YEEHAW, and outside of that it's just been existing, dissociating, appointments with the mental health team (I HAVE TWO NEXT WEEK THE GREEDY FUCKERS), and music of course. Trying to think of a song to share since I enjoy it so much, but I don't know your tastes so I'm just gonna shove something I have been loving again lately here!

Spoiler: The Poet and the Muse

Hopefully you enjoy it, and feel free to share some back. I love it so much <3

I'm not sure what genre of song I was expecting but it wasn't this LMAO. It's not bad I was just surprised, I don't usually listen to this type of music. But I think it tells a cool story. I liked the guitar part near the end.

Also I'm sorry about your failed attempt. I know the feeling, of finally having courage to try just to end up back at square one in the end. That's why I don't bother trying these days, I already tried as a child and clearly it's gotten me nowhere. Life is so evil.

Here's one of my favorite songs:

 

[Yuri440]

I liked the guitar part near the end.

It's so good, isn't it! It's what got me hooked into it fully. I love it!

Also I'm sorry about your failed attempt. I know the feeling, of finally having courage to try just to end up back at square one in the end. That's why I don't bother trying these days, I already tried as a child and clearly it's gotten me nowhere.

Appreciate you saying this friend <3 I've lost count on how many attempts I've had. I'll get it one day, just isn't the day yet. Depression usually keeps me so worn down I never have the energy to try it

Here's one of my favorite songs

I loved it!!!! Thank you for sharing! I was trying to think of something I could share back that's similar, but my mind is terrible at that one when it's super focused on certain tracks. I'm an absolute tramp when it comes to music, I love it all, so my genres bounce around a LOT. Here's another one of the bops in my rotation atm:



Feel free to share music with me ALWAYS, I mean it!