Venting [NSFW] I fucking hate my mom

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You will get love if you allow it. I have platonic love for you SaSu friend. I wish you well in life. I think your mother clouds your judgement. You need purpose. Good humans? They do exist. You're good, right? We cannot pry into every fault a person has done. We have to consider so much more like their past, their true intentions and even trauma they've experienced.

Also Thelema is hard for me to grasp. I always enjoyed aspects of it rather than Satanism.

"live by one's own law"; "live in the way that one wills to do"; "work, play, and rest as one will"; "die when and how one will"; "eat and drink what one will"; "live where one will"; "move about the earth as one will"; "think, speak, write, draw, paint, carve, etch, mould, build, and dress as one will"; "love when, where and with whom one will"; and "kill those who would thwart these rights"

Thanks. Allowing love is so difficult. It's almost as if it burned me, a bitter medicine that no matter how much I take, i still need more.

I wish I could feel things. Feel love. I wish I didn't flee from it, because I'm afraid of everything and everyone. I'm so afraid. I can't do anything now. I'm just paralyzed. I don't...know anymore. I need to stop.

 

[The Actual Devil]

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You all really don't know how lazy I am. Going to bed now after crying a lot and feeling horrible. I shouldn't have made this

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm back now. Slept some 6 hours, hell of a headache and muscular pain on the face due to contortions. But I am saner so I can write better.

Reality is, I don't see much point on real live. The fantasies inside my head were a way to cope with pain, and now basically supplanted my reality. I am someone who wants everything but does nothing to get it. The fantasies are all I want, and I enjoy the little stories and situations I make inside my head, using my limited perception of others and my own creations as puppets, rather than real people.

I'm sorry if I made anyone worried, but I wanted you to see past some of the walls I set up around my psyche.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm just a puppeteer, playing with my dolls and plush toys, dragging them around, like they're real people, to satiate my needs. Reality just hurts really, so I only find true peace when I set up the stage, the actors, and make them do what I want to, what I need to experience, what I lack in real life. I don't need to change the world, or myself, or anything. I just need to keep playing with myself.

I don't really like you people, I don't like anybody. I just use you to make more puppets in my head, creating scenarios that please me. I prefer it that way, because I'm so jaded on real life I barely feel anything.

I'm never satisfied with real people because I can always do better with a puppet. Not always enough, but always better. I don't think I have a way to return to reality. I wish I could feel love, and care, and not just the extreme versions I act out inside of me. Everything else is dull and uninteresting.

I truly think I don't feel things anymore. I just pretend I do, to be able to use my brain for the sacred activity that is fantasizing. Do the necessities so my mind is fed and ready to generate yet another pleasing scenario with the personas I've created. Personas of you, of me, of others...all made and shaped to make me happy. It feels like I'm violating you by doing so, and that's part of why I hate myself and what I've become.