Venting [NSFW] I fucking hate my mom

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You will get love if you allow it. I have platonic love for you SaSu friend. I wish you well in life. I think your mother clouds your judgement. You need purpose. Good humans? They do exist. You're good, right? We cannot pry into every fault a person has done. We have to consider so much more like their past, their true intentions and even trauma they've experienced.

Also Thelema is hard for me to grasp. I always enjoyed aspects of it rather than Satanism.

"live by one's own law"; "live in the way that one wills to do"; "work, play, and rest as one will"; "die when and how one will"; "eat and drink what one will"; "live where one will"; "move about the earth as one will"; "think, speak, write, draw, paint, carve, etch, mould, build, and dress as one will"; "love when, where and with whom one will"; and "kill those who would thwart these rights"

Thanks. Allowing love is so difficult. It's almost as if it burned me, a bitter medicine that no matter how much I take, i still need more.

I wish I could feel things. Feel love. I wish I didn't flee from it, because I'm afraid of everything and everyone. I'm so afraid. I can't do anything now. I'm just paralyzed. I don't...know anymore. I need to stop.

 

[The Actual Devil]

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You all really don't know how lazy I am. Going to bed now after crying a lot and feeling horrible. I shouldn't have made this

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm back now. Slept some 6 hours, hell of a headache and muscular pain on the face due to contortions. But I am saner so I can write better.

Reality is, I don't see much point on real live. The fantasies inside my head were a way to cope with pain, and now basically supplanted my reality. I am someone who wants everything but does nothing to get it. The fantasies are all I want, and I enjoy the little stories and situations I make inside my head, using my limited perception of others and my own creations as puppets, rather than real people.

I'm sorry if I made anyone worried, but I wanted you to see past some of the walls I set up around my psyche.