Venting [NSFW] I fucking hate my mom

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You will get love if you allow it. I have platonic love for you SaSu friend. I wish you well in life. I think your mother clouds your judgement. You need purpose. Good humans? They do exist. You're good, right? We cannot pry into every fault a person has done. We have to consider so much more like their past, their true intentions and even trauma they've experienced.

Also Thelema is hard for me to grasp. I always enjoyed aspects of it rather than Satanism.

"live by one's own law"; "live in the way that one wills to do"; "work, play, and rest as one will"; "die when and how one will"; "eat and drink what one will"; "live where one will"; "move about the earth as one will"; "think, speak, write, draw, paint, carve, etch, mould, build, and dress as one will"; "love when, where and with whom one will"; and "kill those who would thwart these rights"

Thanks. Allowing love is so difficult. It's almost as if it burned me, a bitter medicine that no matter how much I take, i still need more.

I wish I could feel things. Feel love. I wish I didn't flee from it, because I'm afraid of everything and everyone. I'm so afraid. I can't do anything now. I'm just paralyzed. I don't...know anymore. I need to stop.

 

[The Actual Devil]

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

You all really don't know how lazy I am. Going to bed now after crying a lot and feeling horrible. I shouldn't have made this

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm back now. Slept some 6 hours, hell of a headache and muscular pain on the face due to contortions. But I am saner so I can write better.

Reality is, I don't see much point on real live. The fantasies inside my head were a way to cope with pain, and now basically supplanted my reality. I am someone who wants everything but does nothing to get it. The fantasies are all I want, and I enjoy the little stories and situations I make inside my head, using my limited perception of others and my own creations as puppets, rather than real people.

I'm sorry if I made anyone worried, but I wanted you to see past some of the walls I set up around my psyche.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I'm just a puppeteer, playing with my dolls and plush toys, dragging them around, like they're real people, to satiate my needs. Reality just hurts really, so I only find true peace when I set up the stage, the actors, and make them do what I want to, what I need to experience, what I lack in real life. I don't need to change the world, or myself, or anything. I just need to keep playing with myself.

I don't really like you people, I don't like anybody. I just use you to make more puppets in my head, creating scenarios that please me. I prefer it that way, because I'm so jaded on real life I barely feel anything.

I'm never satisfied with real people because I can always do better with a puppet. Not always enough, but always better. I don't think I have a way to return to reality. I wish I could feel love, and care, and not just the extreme versions I act out inside of me. Everything else is dull and uninteresting.

I truly think I don't feel things anymore. I just pretend I do, to be able to use my brain for the sacred activity that is fantasizing. Do the necessities so my mind is fed and ready to generate yet another pleasing scenario with the personas I've created. Personas of you, of me, of others...all made and shaped to make me happy. It feels like I'm violating you by doing so, and that's part of why I hate myself and what I've become.

 

[The Actual Devil]

If it makes you feel any better, I give you my permission to make up stuff about me for your mind.
If you ever want advice on getting out of that place, though, we can talk.
There are other furries on this site, too. They seem friendly enough. Maybe they can sympathize even better with you.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I honestly don't want advice. I see you are smart and know your things. I just...don't want to do anything. I don't want to improve, cause in the end the world will be the same, uninteresting and boring.

I really don't want to try anymore. I don't think furries will help me. Furries are solely a source of pleasure for me. More puppets, less human, even better.

I'm sorry for giving up. I would listen for advice, but then I would just give up anyway. Why waste both our times? No matter what it is, I'll just give up, again and again, because that's all I do. Give up.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I never liked doing what others tell me to do. After decades of wasting my life doing what others wanted, when I finally had tome to do what I wanted, I wanted nothing. I have no sense of self. I feel like a machine in recovery mode, restarting each day, doing the same so that maybe one day something will happen. A miracle, someone or something that makes me snap into place.

Too bad miracles are myths.

 

[Paizen]

She's just cold and doesn't know how to feel affection for me. That's why I'm so fucked up when affection is concerned. Thanks for caring. I care about others caring, you deserve as much love and care you send. I wish I was more powerful to make more people feel cared about. I've always had that motherly stuff on me because I basically had to be my own mother. Sometimes I think if I would be happier if I had someone to truly care about...*sigh*

I also have a cold mother devoid of affection. I sometimes have nightmares about doing some of the things you wrote; though I feel too guilty to put a 'like' or a 'love' on this post, I do understand, and in a twisted way can relate