Bunni'sLullaby
iterum occurremus ultra saturni circulis
- Dec 3, 2023
- 33
I have had a childhood friend staying with me for the last week. She leaves Saturday. I thought having company would help me feel better, at least temporarily. But, I don't feel any different. Even in her presence, I feel like the bottomless feeling I have is invisible. I see my scars, and I think about how that's what I want to be doing again. I think about the SN coming in the mail, and I think about how I don't want to be here. I wish there was a way to just disappear without hurting others. It isn't that I necessarily want to die, I just want the pain to stop. Maybe that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better about my husband doing this same thing. For years, I've wanted it to stop & yet, no matter how long I tell myself it will get better, I always end up in this place. I saw family today, I was with friends, I was told "congratulations" on moving forward with my PhD proposal—yet, here I am—and it is not enough. I'm truly believing nothing will be enough. Not school or work or people or medication or therapy or relationships or absolutely anything. All of it is meaningless if you are just miserable at the end of the day, every single day, at every single moment. I want to say that I believe true peacefulness exists, but I can't say that. I just want to get past the guilt and the SI, and be done with it. I keep trying to remind myself that it won't matter, you don't think about it, when you're dead. But I can't, not yet. So, here I am, sitting outside so I can be alone, and venting to the only place I feel like will understand in secret.
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