Venting Physical changes but no improvements - does it ever get better?

[maggineko]

I got my first brow piercing very recently, like last Sunday as of writing this. I've always perceived piercings (and smoking, which is why I smoke) that weren't just lobe piercings to be representative of agency, autonomy, and freedom. It was definitely exciting and euphoric for a short while, and it felt good to forget about my other problems and to not worry about anything but a silly piercing for a couple hours, but I went home and nothing really changed or happened internally. I guess maybe my expectations were a little too high regarding any adrenaline rush I might've gotten from the pain, as someone 6 years clean from self-harm. I was just kind of in a shock for a few minutes after the piercing haha.

I still felt the same deep down, miserable and at a total loss of who I am as a person. It feels exciting and a little fun, sure, to show off the jewellery and imagining how certain people might react to it, but it's just a cheap little trick that doesn't improve my life quality in any way. I daydream about looking the way I've always wanted to, like all the piercings, the hair dye, the smoking meant that I was in control and I have discipline, when the reality is I'm so lost and helpless.

Now I'm just stuck here wondering if this perpetual and unhappy dissatisfaction with life, not natural ever-changing ever-growing human desire, is something inherent in me and will never go away no matter how much I change or how many pills I take. I don't want to live so passively like a ghost in my own life, with only rare occasions where I'm present in the world like surfacing after being underwater, yet it's the only way to survive the pain and inconvenience of being alive and conscious. It would be wonderful if I could somehow float on the surface while admiring the sky. I did that a lot when I was on vacation with my family, daydreaming about what it'd be like to drown with the sunset (*^.^*)♡

 

[ctb_warrior]

I got my first brow piercing very recently, like last Sunday as of writing this. I've always perceived piercings (and smoking, which is why I smoke) that weren't just lobe piercings to be representative of agency, autonomy, and freedom. It was definitely exciting and euphoric for a short while, and it felt good to forget about my other problems and to not worry about anything but a silly piercing for a couple hours, but I went home and nothing really changed or happened internally. I guess maybe my expectations were a little too high regarding any adrenaline rush I might've gotten from the pain, as someone 6 years clean from self-harm. I was just kind of in a shock for a few minutes after the piercing haha.

I still felt the same deep down, miserable and at a total loss of who I am as a person. It feels exciting and a little fun, sure, to show off the jewellery and imagining how certain people might react to it, but it's just a cheap little trick that doesn't improve my life quality in any way. I daydream about looking the way I've always wanted to, like all the piercings, the hair dye, the smoking meant that I was in control and I have discipline, when the reality is I'm so lost and helpless.

Now I'm just stuck here wondering if this perpetual and unhappy dissatisfaction with life, not natural ever-changing ever-growing human desire, is something inherent in me and will never go away no matter how much I change or how many pills I take. I don't want to live so passively like a ghost in my own life, with only rare occasions where I'm present in the world like surfacing after being underwater, yet it's the only way to survive the pain and inconvenience of being alive and conscious. It would be wonderful if I could somehow float on the surface while admiring the sky. I did that a lot when I was on vacation with my family, daydreaming about what it'd be like to drown with the sunset (*^.^*)♡

It's alright to feel lost and hopeless. Everyone has felt that way atleast once in their life. Live for yourself, dress for yourself to look good and for your comfort. I know that is not going to change anything. Honestly speaking I have seen idiots, ugly people live life so confidently even when they were nothing and they didn't even know how to talk to someone. And their mind so sick, toxic af.
One of my female manager, she looked so ugly and was ugly at heart too. She would click her pic and edit it to so much with all the filters, although she still looked ugly but she would feel confident and proud of that.
Moral of the story: live for yourself, feel confident about yourself, comfortable in your skin. When you start finding happiness in these little things, life will start to change.

 

[monkeyfff]

I got my first brow piercing very recently, like last Sunday as of writing this. I've always perceived piercings (and smoking, which is why I smoke) that weren't just lobe piercings to be representative of agency, autonomy, and freedom. It was definitely exciting and euphoric for a short while, and it felt good to forget about my other problems and to not worry about anything but a silly piercing for a couple hours, but I went home and nothing really changed or happened internally. I guess maybe my expectations were a little too high regarding any adrenaline rush I might've gotten from the pain, as someone 6 years clean from self-harm. I was just kind of in a shock for a few minutes after the piercing haha.

I still felt the same deep down, miserable and at a total loss of who I am as a person. It feels exciting and a little fun, sure, to show off the jewellery and imagining how certain people might react to it, but it's just a cheap little trick that doesn't improve my life quality in any way. I daydream about looking the way I've always wanted to, like all the piercings, the hair dye, the smoking meant that I was in control and I have discipline, when the reality is I'm so lost and helpless.

I am going to be honest with you anything you think you are doing because of agency, autonomy or freedom is in my opinion an illusion. My belief has to conclude that what is happening to you basically is a reaction (effect) to the cause (past shitty things).

At the end of the day all humans are coping in different ways, I for example love to believe that free will doesn't exist and that I am subhuman. Just my way of dealing with this hell and you have yours which I really admire.

It would be wonderful if I could somehow float on the surface while admiring the sky. I did that a lot when I was on vacation with my family, daydreaming about what it'd be like to drown with the sunset (*^.^*)♡

Honestly that does sound wonderful...