Venting i am so scared to leave my house for college

[moralfag]

i'm sorry for the constant vent posts and for rambling so much, this is the only place i can really talk about topics like these.

i start college in exactly two weeks. i don't think i've ever consistently left my house for the past two years (outside of the occasional shopping or appointments). every time i think about it i feel like finding the nearest bridge and just jumping. the only reason i applied for college to begin with is to make my mother proud before i killed myself. i didn't think i would be around by the time school season came up. unfortunately for me, i messed it up again and lost the only way i could get out of this idiotic life.
even just looking at the "introduce yourself" post on my school's website makes me sick. if i can't even talk to people online how am i supposed to communicate in person? that combined with the fact i'm not even academically competent. i was smart in middle school, sure, but nearly a decade of untreated mental illness made me the dumbest person alive.
the worst part is that sometimes i catch myself thinking about making friends with my classmates and finally having someone in real life to support me and care for me, even though i know that's not possible. i'm an ugly social recluse with the brainpower of a dead possum.
i just want to cry myself to death. even going shopping and doing necessary tasks makes me feel so fucking guilty for even showing myself in public. i know that i should just stay home and die. i can't communicate, i can't compete academically, i can't provide any benifits to society. i just want to get down on my knees and apologize to everyone that has to interact with me. i'm sorry for inturrupting your life but i don't know what else to do. i don't know where else to go. i just want to die.

 

[funhaver63]

my semester starts on the 24th and i feel similarly, i absolutely dread going back. The fact that I plan to ctb soon brings me some solace, but i'm deeply afraid of what might happen if my attempt either fails or I cant find it in me to follow through completely. Last year I felt similarly and went to a train/metro system near where with the intention of jumping and ctb'ing, but I ultimately couldn't find it in me. I've planned more and feel less impulsive now though, which brings me some hope.

the feelings of dreadful anticipation and anxiety around going back to school and being surrounded by so many people feels absolutely awful and I hope that you can find a way to cope and enjoy your semester and find peace

 

[Le temps perdu]

I hope you can find something that makes things a little easier for you, your worth isn't determined by how much you can contribute to society. I wish you all the best as you start college ♡ <3