Venting i am so scared to leave my house for college

[moralfag]

i'm sorry for the constant vent posts and for rambling so much, this is the only place i can really talk about topics like these.

i start college in exactly two weeks. i don't think i've ever consistently left my house for the past two years (outside of the occasional shopping or appointments). every time i think about it i feel like finding the nearest bridge and just jumping. the only reason i applied for college to begin with is to make my mother proud before i killed myself. i didn't think i would be around by the time school season came up. unfortunately for me, i messed it up again and lost the only way i could get out of this idiotic life.
even just looking at the "introduce yourself" post on my school's website makes me sick. if i can't even talk to people online how am i supposed to communicate in person? that combined with the fact i'm not even academically competent. i was smart in middle school, sure, but nearly a decade of untreated mental illness made me the dumbest person alive.
the worst part is that sometimes i catch myself thinking about making friends with my classmates and finally having someone in real life to support me and care for me, even though i know that's not possible. i'm an ugly social recluse with the brainpower of a dead possum.
i just want to cry myself to death. even going shopping and doing necessary tasks makes me feel so fucking guilty for even showing myself in public. i know that i should just stay home and die. i can't communicate, i can't compete academically, i can't provide any benifits to society. i just want to get down on my knees and apologize to everyone that has to interact with me. i'm sorry for inturrupting your life but i don't know what else to do. i don't know where else to go. i just want to die.

 

[funhaver63]

my semester starts on the 24th and i feel similarly, i absolutely dread going back. The fact that I plan to ctb soon brings me some solace, but i'm deeply afraid of what might happen if my attempt either fails or I cant find it in me to follow through completely. Last year I felt similarly and went to a train/metro system near where with the intention of jumping and ctb'ing, but I ultimately couldn't find it in me. I've planned more and feel less impulsive now though, which brings me some hope.

the feelings of dreadful anticipation and anxiety around going back to school and being surrounded by so many people feels absolutely awful and I hope that you can find a way to cope and enjoy your semester and find peace

 

[Le temps perdu]

I hope you can find something that makes things a little easier for you, your worth isn't determined by how much you can contribute to society. I wish you all the best as you start college ♡ <3

 

[ctb_warrior]

i'm sorry for the constant vent posts and for rambling so much, this is the only place i can really talk about topics like these.

i start college in exactly two weeks. i don't think i've ever consistently left my house for the past two years (outside of the occasional shopping or appointments). every time i think about it i feel like finding the nearest bridge and just jumping. the only reason i applied for college to begin with is to make my mother proud before i killed myself. i didn't think i would be around by the time school season came up. unfortunately for me, i messed it up again and lost the only way i could get out of this idiotic life.
even just looking at the "introduce yourself" post on my school's website makes me sick. if i can't even talk to people online how am i supposed to communicate in person? that combined with the fact i'm not even academically competent. i was smart in middle school, sure, but nearly a decade of untreated mental illness made me the dumbest person alive.
the worst part is that sometimes i catch myself thinking about making friends with my classmates and finally having someone in real life to support me and care for me, even though i know that's not possible. i'm an ugly social recluse with the brainpower of a dead possum.
i just want to cry myself to death. even going shopping and doing necessary tasks makes me feel so fucking guilty for even showing myself in public. i know that i should just stay home and die. i can't communicate, i can't compete academically, i can't provide any benifits to society. i just want to get down on my knees and apologize to everyone that has to interact with me. i'm sorry for inturrupting your life but i don't know what else to do. i don't know where else to go. i just want to die.

My heart got upset reading through what you are facing.. and you definitely don't deserve this, you deserve a better life.
As @Le temps perdu said, your worth isn't determined by how much you can contribute to society. That's true. Your existence itself means so much

 

[Forveleth]

I have been there, albeit 20+ years ago. There are some things about the college experience though that never change:

• It is, in fact, scary. It is a totally new way of life and new environment and that is scary to humans. It is perfectly normal to feel apprehensive about college, especially because...
• EVERYONE feels this way. You might not think it by the facade that other freshmen put on, but they are all scared too. The returning students were just as scared when they first arrived. So know that you are not alone.
• I did not really have friends growing up, but college allows for people of all types, shapes, and sizes to come to one place. I thought I would be an outcast forever but I ended up finding a nice core group with many of the same interests as I had.
• Do not be afraid to try new stuff. You said it was difficult to talk to people, which is fine and can be pretty normal in high school. College has a lot of opportunities though and is a great time to stretch your boundaries. Take weird classes, join clubs (or at least go for one meeting), stop by orientation tables. I used to be super shy in high school but I told myself I would try new things in college and I ended up really coming out of my shell.
• Do not be afraid to "look dumb". College is a time for trying a lot of stuff and some of it might not go so great but that is ok! Ask any Millennial about what we did in college and most of us will keep you busy for hours with all the dumb/embarrassing shit we did. Just like being scared, making mistakes is totally normal. It is how you learn to be you.

that combined with the fact i'm not even academically competent. i was smart in middle school, sure, but nearly a decade of untreated mental illness made me the dumbest person alive.
the worst part is that sometimes i catch myself thinking about making friends with my classmates and finally having someone in real life to support me and care for me, even though i know that's not possible. i'm an ugly social recluse with the brainpower of a dead possum.
i can't communicate, i can't compete academically, i can't provide any benifits to society. i just want to get down on my knees and apologize to everyone that has to interact with me.

Last thing, cut the negative self-talk. This is classic self sabotage and (if I may be a grossly unqualified therapist for a moment) is a way to protect yourself from disappointment, but is far from objective truth. Remember, you got into college. Despite the jokes that go around most do not let in just anyone. They saw something on your application they liked and picked you. There are plenty of people who apply but do not get accepted. You are far from the worst.

It is going to take some time to adjust and there will be bumps along the way but you can do this! Take it one day, one class, one semester at a time.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I have been there, albeit 20+ years ago. There are some things about the college experience though that never change:

• It is, in fact, scary. It is a totally new way of life and new environment and that is scary to humans. It is perfectly normal to feel apprehensive about college, especially because...
• EVERYONE feels this way. You might not think it by the facade that other freshmen put on, but they are all scared too. The returning students were just as scared when they first arrived. So know that you are not alone.
• I did not really have friends growing up, but college allows for people of all types, shapes, and sizes to come to one place. I thought I would be an outcast forever but I ended up finding a nice core group with many of the same interests as I had.
• Do not be afraid to try new stuff. You said it was difficult to talk to people, which is fine and can be pretty normal in high school. College has a lot of opportunities though and is a great time to stretch your boundaries. Take weird classes, join clubs (or at least go for one meeting), stop by orientation tables. I used to be super shy in high school but I told myself I would try new things in college and I ended up really coming out of my shell.
• Do not be afraid to "look dumb". College is a time for trying a lot of stuff and some of it might not go so great but that is ok! Ask any Millennial about what we did in college and most of us will keep you busy for hours with all the dumb/embarrassing shit we did. Just like being scared, making mistakes is totally normal. It is how you learn to be you.

Last thing, cut the negative self-talk. This is classic self sabotage and (if I may be a grossly unqualified therapist for a moment) is a way to protect yourself from disappointment, but is far from objective truth. Remember, you got into college. Despite the jokes that go around most do not let in just anyone. They saw something on your application they liked and picked you. There are plenty of people who apply but do not get accepted. You are far from the worst.

It is going to take some time to adjust and there will be bumps along the way but you can do this! Take it one day, one class, one semester at a time.

Woah this is soo true. Very well said and very logical. Every point is 10 on 10
As I was a celebrity in my college, so, one point from my side, act as if you are the most confident guy on the planet. Ask questions even if you feel they are dumb and answer the questions by the professors even if you feel you might be wrong.

I remember it was the first day of my college and my physics teacher asked everyone, how is light produced. I was not confident enough, but i knew the answer. I took a few seconds to raise my hand.. there was this guy sitting on the front bench who raised his hand first and answered the question, he had the top most rank in entrance exam. I was like, i was this close to answering it.. it was that day when i learnt, i need to raise my hand whenever i know anything about the question even if i may be wrong.