stupidtwink
Member
- Feb 6, 2023
- 10
Hey queens,
I've been a member in this community for a little while now but only now have I decided to post. After a few days of lectures I've skipped and long FaceTime calls with besties I've realized how isolated I feel from the world; I'm remarkably tired of the reassurance others give me that saying life will improve. Every day seems to be another drop of gasoline on the burning building I'm in, forcing me to jump out. Jumping feels so unglamourous and embarrassing: I was hoping that maybe a person in this space can help me find the escape rope, or at the very least, make my fall graceful.
Anyways, y'all probably tired of reading my overly pretentious language. You all understood me before I started writing. Let me explain my situation: Currently, I have the appearance of a very femme twink, but when I was friends with this woman I'll call "S" I looked mostly straight. At the beginnings of our friendship, I was not out as non-binaryโI hadn't had the words for what I was. People generally saw me on campus as the "talkative guy with earrings." For whatever reason, the only person I could vent my feelings about my gender was S, a friend I had only met recently. As I started expressing myself more femininely, my friendship with S grew. She lent me makeup, told me about her friends, watched La La Land with me. As much as I tried to deny it, the more I saw her the more I felt the truth: I was falling in love with my bestie. It's an impossible relationship. She's straight and I'm too much of a girlie.
I've been in relationships before. Some lasting a few years, some lasting a few months, but never have I felt so strongly about someone before. Not anyone so caring and nice, not anyone remotely like her. Most surprising of all, I didn't expect the person I love the most to be a woman.
It was her birthday a couple days ago and I have yet to give her the cute crochet sweater I bought, but do I want her to even remember me when our future is impossible? I don't mean "our future" in the relationship sense, but in a literal sense: I will be leaving, both location and spirit-wise, soon. The girlies to tell me to talk to her still but I'm afraid if I see her I will burn. If only it were easy to kill the part of me that feels without killing myself.
Apologies for the meandering. Also, I stole the burning building analogy from David Foster Wallace.
I am not sure if recovery was the right section for this little post but I am genuinely seeking someone who finds something positive about this particular predicament.
I've been a member in this community for a little while now but only now have I decided to post. After a few days of lectures I've skipped and long FaceTime calls with besties I've realized how isolated I feel from the world; I'm remarkably tired of the reassurance others give me that saying life will improve. Every day seems to be another drop of gasoline on the burning building I'm in, forcing me to jump out. Jumping feels so unglamourous and embarrassing: I was hoping that maybe a person in this space can help me find the escape rope, or at the very least, make my fall graceful.
Anyways, y'all probably tired of reading my overly pretentious language. You all understood me before I started writing. Let me explain my situation: Currently, I have the appearance of a very femme twink, but when I was friends with this woman I'll call "S" I looked mostly straight. At the beginnings of our friendship, I was not out as non-binaryโI hadn't had the words for what I was. People generally saw me on campus as the "talkative guy with earrings." For whatever reason, the only person I could vent my feelings about my gender was S, a friend I had only met recently. As I started expressing myself more femininely, my friendship with S grew. She lent me makeup, told me about her friends, watched La La Land with me. As much as I tried to deny it, the more I saw her the more I felt the truth: I was falling in love with my bestie. It's an impossible relationship. She's straight and I'm too much of a girlie.
I've been in relationships before. Some lasting a few years, some lasting a few months, but never have I felt so strongly about someone before. Not anyone so caring and nice, not anyone remotely like her. Most surprising of all, I didn't expect the person I love the most to be a woman.
It was her birthday a couple days ago and I have yet to give her the cute crochet sweater I bought, but do I want her to even remember me when our future is impossible? I don't mean "our future" in the relationship sense, but in a literal sense: I will be leaving, both location and spirit-wise, soon. The girlies to tell me to talk to her still but I'm afraid if I see her I will burn. If only it were easy to kill the part of me that feels without killing myself.
Apologies for the meandering. Also, I stole the burning building analogy from David Foster Wallace.
I am not sure if recovery was the right section for this little post but I am genuinely seeking someone who finds something positive about this particular predicament.
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