Hey there,
I've been following this forum quietly for a while now. So far I never felt like I had to post something.
Today, this has changed.
Today, I have accepted that I do want to ctb. However, there is one thing that's keeping me from doing it.
For a long time I thought they were the best that happened to me ever - I am talking about my two kids.
Today, I feel like they are the biggest burden. I hate my parents for what they have done to me (or not).
I've been suffering from depression basically my whole life. Over time it got worse though.
The more I tried to finally arrive at a place of piece, the more I got lost. The more I worked on myself, the more I realized how much of my life and potential I wasted.
I never knew, what I wanted. I just did what I thought would make others like me. The sad part is, that tonight I was standing on my balcony ready to jump and I had no one to call for help. Over the years I lost all my friends. The only person who constantly stood by my side was my Girlfriend/Wife. However, our relationship was very unhealthy and this year we finally decided to separate. Leaving me alone and my ex-girlfriend is finally happy again. Good for her.
And I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to continue living this misery. I do love my kids. And I am afraid that if I would just kill myself, that would negatively impact them and lead them to live with similar struggles I had to go through.
This is still an ask for help. I was wondering how are you dealing with this desire to ctb while having kids?
For me a lot has changed since I stopped fighting it for myself, for getting better. Now I am just hoping my life will be over soon. However, I fight for them - every day. Act like everything is fine. Maybe somebody went through a similar situation and would like to talk about it and share their perspective. I would appreciate any tips on how to ease the pain. And yes, I am doing therapy for years and taking several meds already. Still horrible.
I've been following this forum quietly for a while now. So far I never felt like I had to post something.
Today, this has changed.
Today, I have accepted that I do want to ctb. However, there is one thing that's keeping me from doing it.
For a long time I thought they were the best that happened to me ever - I am talking about my two kids.
Today, I feel like they are the biggest burden. I hate my parents for what they have done to me (or not).
I've been suffering from depression basically my whole life. Over time it got worse though.
The more I tried to finally arrive at a place of piece, the more I got lost. The more I worked on myself, the more I realized how much of my life and potential I wasted.
I never knew, what I wanted. I just did what I thought would make others like me. The sad part is, that tonight I was standing on my balcony ready to jump and I had no one to call for help. Over the years I lost all my friends. The only person who constantly stood by my side was my Girlfriend/Wife. However, our relationship was very unhealthy and this year we finally decided to separate. Leaving me alone and my ex-girlfriend is finally happy again. Good for her.
And I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to continue living this misery. I do love my kids. And I am afraid that if I would just kill myself, that would negatively impact them and lead them to live with similar struggles I had to go through.
This is still an ask for help. I was wondering how are you dealing with this desire to ctb while having kids?
For me a lot has changed since I stopped fighting it for myself, for getting better. Now I am just hoping my life will be over soon. However, I fight for them - every day. Act like everything is fine. Maybe somebody went through a similar situation and would like to talk about it and share their perspective. I would appreciate any tips on how to ease the pain. And yes, I am doing therapy for years and taking several meds already. Still horrible.
