Venting Nobody would care if i died

[sleeplessboyinbed]

It hurts me, honestly. I wish somebody cared about me. Mourned me, said "Im sorry it had to be like this, you didn't deserve it". I want somebody to cry over my death.
Im so selfish, i hate it... Im not worthy of empathy but i still desire it.
Another thing i hate is that im still alive. Im such a coward. But i can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the courage to die, or live. I wish one could die by bed rotting, that would be easier.

 

[Pvnie]

Yeah dying in bed would be fucking awesome, I sleep under my blankets, a habit I developed from having a wild imagination and seeing nonsense on the internet at a young age. I remember in the start of my depression I'd just lay under the blanket and close my eyes and ruminate.

 

[lastappleonearth]

It hurts me, honestly. I wish somebody cared about me. Mourned me, said "Im sorry it had to be like this, you didn't deserve it". I want somebody to cry over my death.
Im so selfish, i hate it... Im not worthy of empathy but i still desire it.
Another thing i hate is that im still alive. Im such a coward. But i can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the courage to die, or live. I wish one could die by bed rotting, that would be easier.

I don't think that's necessarily selfish, it's normal for you to want people to care, to pay attention to you, especially if you have been starved for it for too long. But yeah, I relate, it's the same with me, I can't bring myself to do it, I'm too scared, though I don't want to live either. I'm always alone with my thoughts and they're awful, if at least there was someone close to me, who could give me comfort, but no one's close to me anymore

 

[notthatclever]

It's normal to want somebody to care if you are dead or alive.. like genuinely care.. not just care for their own selfish reasons but care about your actual life.. I get it.. unfortunately the world is a cruel selfish horrible place or else most of us wouldn't be here.. I'd say a majority of people here are in the same boat if that brings any comfort.. no real support system.. the health system is overwhelmed and they're all halfway to the nuthouse themselves.. I mean I don't think anybody genuinely cares about my life.. I'm fine with it I made my peace with that a long time ago.. just made it clear that's a two way street and I don't care about theirs either.. for me it's not even about trying to feel happiness.. I don't think I ever will.. a true testament of how moronic and stupid doctors and my family are.. it's just trying to be somewhere where I feel like I belong and can live in relative peace without being bothered so bad.. but I have for sure ruled out the east coast especially the south.. I'm done with it.. they've burned their last bridge.. I'm giving one more place one last shot and then if they fall flat on their face in a certain amount of time.. I'm done.. I'm ending it.. but it's a hard thing to make peace with.. you die and nobody really cares.. why did anybody go to all the trouble to bring you into the world at all.. it's amazing what people will cozy up to and care about and you could have lived a normal life your whole life but they want the sob story.. they want the sad story.. they want to fixer upper the stupid trash.. yeah I know better than all that.. that almost always backfires.. I don't know.. bringing a kid into the world that you know you'll never love or care about.. not really.. seems like a form of of course child abuse but also abuse of self.. that's where I'm at with my family.. I asked my mom why she didn't abort me before she died.. lol.. it's what she deserved in the end.. she didn't care if I lived or died and I made it clear to her I feel the same..

Not sure how much it matters but I'm sure there are a few people on here you mean more to them that you think..
I'm giving a place one last and then it's over..

Everywhere I go and everybody I come across it's always enough rope to hang themselves..

Nobody ever learns or acts better.. it all just keeps getting worse and dumber by the second..

They really have no clue how much I truly and completely and totally hate them all..

I'm sure you're a lovely nice person that has more people than you think care about you..

I just know better with myself.. it's always some psychotic crazy drama made in my life and I'm sick of it..

It's laughable how unaware they are about how truly sick of their stupid bullshit I am..


And what's worse is I'm very clear that I'm fed the fuck up..

Denial and stupidity is a toxic dangerous combo..

Good luck.. hope you feel better whatever that means for you..

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I know, mate. It sucks. Everyone deserves to be remembered. I try to remember everyone I knew that's ctb'd on this forum. It makes me sad thinking of them sometimes but it's worth it. You'd have at least one person who'd hurt for you love and peace, mate.

 

[sleeplessboyinbed]

It's normal to want somebody to care if you are dead or alive.. like genuinely care.. not just care for their own selfish reasons but care about your actual life.. I get it.. unfortunately the world is a cruel selfish horrible place or else most of us wouldn't be here.. I'd say a majority of people here are in the same boat if that brings any comfort.. no real support system.. the health system is overwhelmed and they're all halfway to the nuthouse themselves.. I mean I don't think anybody genuinely cares about my life.. I'm fine with it I made my peace with that a long time ago.. just made it clear that's a two way street and I don't care about theirs either.. for me it's not even about trying to feel happiness.. I don't think I ever will.. a true testament of how moronic and stupid doctors and my family are.. it's just trying to be somewhere where I feel like I belong and can live in relative peace without being bothered so bad.. but I have for sure ruled out the east coast especially the south.. I'm done with it.. they've burned their last bridge.. I'm giving one more place one last shot and then if they fall flat on their face in a certain amount of time.. I'm done.. I'm ending it.. but it's a hard thing to make peace with.. you die and nobody really cares.. why did anybody go to all the trouble to bring you into the world at all.. it's amazing what people will cozy up to and care about and you could have lived a normal life your whole life but they want the sob story.. they want the sad story.. they want to fixer upper the stupid trash.. yeah I know better than all that.. that almost always backfires.. I don't know.. bringing a kid into the world that you know you'll never love or care about.. not really.. seems like a form of of course child abuse but also abuse of self.. that's where I'm at with my family.. I asked my mom why she didn't abort me before she died.. lol.. it's what she deserved in the end.. she didn't care if I lived or died and I made it clear to her I feel the same..

Not sure how much it matters but I'm sure there are a few people on here you mean more to them that you think..
I'm giving a place one last and then it's over..

Everywhere I go and everybody I come across it's always enough rope to hang themselves..

Nobody ever learns or acts better.. it all just keeps getting worse and dumber by the second..

They really have no clue how much I truly and completely and totally hate them all..

I'm sure you're a lovely nice person that has more people than you think care about you..

I just know better with myself.. it's always some psychotic crazy drama made in my life and I'm sick of it..

It's laughable how unaware they are about how truly sick of their stupid bullshit I am..


And what's worse is I'm very clear that I'm fed the fuck up..

Denial and stupidity is a toxic dangerous combo..

Good luck.. hope you feel better whatever that means for you..

Im sorry you had to go through so much. I also feel fed up with people so i get you. Wishing you peace, no matter what choice you make

I know, mate. It sucks. Everyone deserves to be remembered. I try to remember everyone I knew that's ctb'd on this forum. It makes me sad thinking of them sometimes but it's worth it. You'd have at least one person who'd hurt for you love and peace, mate.

Thanks, i really appreciate it

 

[notthatclever]

Im sorry you had to go through so much. I also feel fed up with people so i get you. Wishing you peace, no matter what choice you make

Thanks, i really appreciate it

Thanks.. yeah.. I don't know how much more stupidity I can take.. I find it hilarious how oblivious everybody is around me that I'm really about fed up to this degree.. and they are.. they're so caught up in their bullshit they are oblivious.. and what's worse is I'm well known for having written a really popular essay on the subject of depression and anxiety.. that's how stupid they all are..

Yeah if shit doesn't clear up soon I'm out of here..

Hope things get better for you either way as well!