AshClouds
In time I started growing inward.
- Apr 10, 2023
- 303
Hi! This is going to be a long post, and my plan is so far incomplete, so I need help with filling
out some of the finer details, but if you don't want to read the whole thing my plan goes as following:
I want to go out into the woods and disappear - permanently. No one will ever know what
happened to me (not many would care anyways but that's beside the point) or if I'm alive or not,
and no one will ever find my body. I want it to be as if I never even existed (I never asked to be born anyways).
TL;DR version of my plan:
I plan on going out into the wilderness and walk as far as I can (at least 20 miles out). I want to
look onto a beautiful landscape, cry about my shitty life, and maybe even cry tears of joy that it
will all be over soon. I'll smoke as much weed as I can while I watch the sunset. Once it gets dark,
I'll start with my backup method, and then pull out a firearm, point it at my head, and then
blow my fucking brains out.
After that, all my problems will be washed away.
Okay you can skip all the way to the end if you don't want to read on...
Plan:
Where to begin? I guess I'll tell you why.
Most of what I have to say is explained in this post I made a few days ago.
There isn't much to elaborate on, it's just that the last several months have been especially difficult.
It's been one shitty train wreck after another and my problems keep getting worse. Meds have helped
a bit but after my mom died it seems that all that pain just came down on top of me and I'm buried
under a mountain of that pain. As stated in the post link above, I don't feel hopeful of anything anymore.
I'm starting to question if my life has any value.
For all this time, I've been able to smile and laugh with people and just put on a facade long enough to
hide my true feelings from everyone I know. Lately it's been a lot more intense and I'm no longer able to
hold up that mask all the time. It's been slipping through, and other people have noticed, and I really
don't want them to know.
I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. One way or another I'm going to find a way to end this pain.
Before I talk about my plan, I want to preface it by stating that I really hope this isn't the only way out of
my situation. I genuinely want my life to improve. I really do not want to have to do this. I really want things
to get better, but I don't see it happening. As I stated before, I cannot picture a scenario in my head where
my life gets better. I cannot imagine a set of circumstances where I'd begin to feel any amount of happiness.
I really hope this isn't the case, I really do want another option, but I might be in a situation where I exhaust
every single avenue, and this might be the only choice left. If that happens, I'll need a plan ready to go
so I can quickly move forward with this.
Note: I didn't list every contingency I thought of because if I did, this post would take 2 hours to read.
Instead, I only wrote about the most probable ones I'm likely to face. If you think of any, please
comment, it might be something I haven't thought of, and that would really help.
Also, you may ask why is this so long, well I need this plan to go right the first time around. I do not
have any room for failure.
Onto my plan:
Phase 0: planning
So, I just want to fucking go out into the woods and disappear. I don't want anyone to ever know what
happened to me. Nobody would know where I went, what I did last, or even know that I'd died.
Objectives:
1) Discretion. Nobody should know about this plan for it to work.
Well, I never really tell people about my depression, or that I'm even suicidal. I have nobody else to tell
since I shut all my friends out years ago. Even if I still had friends that are close, I'd never tell them anyways,
I never did when they were around. Also, I'm really good at masking my feelings, and I prefer to keep
people out of the loop when it comes to my depression and especially my suicidal feelings.
2) Discoverability. The likelihood of finding my body will be at an absolute minimum.
This part is self-explanatory, and it sort of relates to the first objective. I don't want anyone to know about
what happened to me. I cannot allow my body to be discovered.
3) Identifiability. I must make my corpse impossible to identify.
If I do get discovered, I'll need to make sure that body is unrecognizable.
4) Plan must have a near 100% chance of success of catching the bus.
I mean this is the sole reason for doing this. This is why I included a backup method and possibly a third one.
5) Nobody else should be harmed by my suicide.
So, I have to make sure that not one person would get hit by a stray bullet or be traumatized by the sight
of my horribly bloodied mangled corpse. I just want to die quietly, without it affecting anybody else,
especially those who never asked to be part my death.
Preparations
Phase 1
Location
I'm not going to choose a location until I'm ready to go because the situation might change from now until
the time, I decide to kill myself (i.e., wildfire, a pandemic, some natural weather event, etc.), because if that
happens, whatever travel plans I make would totally go out the window.
Methods Prep
Primary:
The main method will be by firearm because they're 95% effective. I read the firearms megathread and
I never knew that shooting yourself would be so complicated. I thought it was just point and shoot.
I'm only going to get one shot at this (no pun intended) so I need to make sure it's done correctly.
The gun needs to be:
1) concealable
I imagine walking onto a bus carrying a rifle wouldn't go over so well.
2) must cause a significant amount of destruction.
I need it to pretty much blow a hole in my face so I won't be recognized in case my corpse is discovered.
It at least needs to destroy the front portion of my skull because there are various techniques used for postmortem identification.
So, I think I would have to be a high caliber gun, (Something like a desert eagle)
I'd love to use a shotgun, but I can't conceal it, and walking around town with it would create problems.
Acquisition of a Firearm...
if I do get reported missing and there's a record of a firearm purchase, that would raise some serious
red flags due to my strongly held political beliefs and my stance on guns so, I'll need to find a way to
purchase it without going through a background check.
Secondary method.
I haven't fully decided what it will be, but it will most likely be poison.
Tertiary method, either
• drowning
• falling off a high ledge - head first.
Other materials
Traveling
Phase 2
Ready to off myself...
Phase 3 is the grand finale of both this plan, and my shitty, sorrowful life.
Once I arrive at the site, I'll begin the preparations to end it all right then and there.
I'll get to look at a beautiful landscape which is nice. I'll be consuming the rest of my cannabis throughout the final day of my life.
I know I'll start to tear up on that day, but it would be good, at least I know I'll put an end to all my problems - permanently.
I'll need to take steps to make sure I won't be identified.
Only two things that would prevent me from following through the plan.
first: how my death may affect others, second: pure fucking cowardice
How my death may affect others:
I recently ran an iteration in my head through everybody that I regularly interact with at school or at
work (I had to be thorough) as a thought experiment.
I tested for two scenarios:
a) if they notice I've gone missing.
b) if they learned of my suicide.
If they notice I've gone missing:
• if they even bothered to notice that I'm missing, nobody would give a shit, which is good!
• My family would probably think I went and fucked off somewhere.
• nobody else would give it a second thought.
If they learned of my suicide:
• My sister and my dad would be upset by it for sure
• nobody else would care even in the slightest bit.
So I don't have to worry about anyone being hurt (other than my immediate family).
An actual benefit of nobody giving a shit about me. :)
(In case if you think I didn't put enough consideration into this, know that I had a methodology behind it.
For each person I considered, I drew a probability tree in my head then traversed down the most probabilistic path.)
When I do go through with it:
• I'll run one more iteration in my head (to account for new people and other people I interact with)
• if the unlikely scenario someone actually does give a shit
Pure cowardice:
• This is the biggest threat to the plan
• Might not have the courage to pull the trigger
Open to suggestions…
So that's my plan as of now.
Here are some of the things I need to figure out in case if you didn't want to read the whole thing:
it here as a reply instead of making a new thread.
out some of the finer details, but if you don't want to read the whole thing my plan goes as following:
I want to go out into the woods and disappear - permanently. No one will ever know what
happened to me (not many would care anyways but that's beside the point) or if I'm alive or not,
and no one will ever find my body. I want it to be as if I never even existed (I never asked to be born anyways).
TL;DR version of my plan:
I plan on going out into the wilderness and walk as far as I can (at least 20 miles out). I want to
look onto a beautiful landscape, cry about my shitty life, and maybe even cry tears of joy that it
will all be over soon. I'll smoke as much weed as I can while I watch the sunset. Once it gets dark,
I'll start with my backup method, and then pull out a firearm, point it at my head, and then
blow my fucking brains out.
After that, all my problems will be washed away.
Okay you can skip all the way to the end if you don't want to read on...
Plan:
Where to begin? I guess I'll tell you why.
Most of what I have to say is explained in this post I made a few days ago.
There isn't much to elaborate on, it's just that the last several months have been especially difficult.
It's been one shitty train wreck after another and my problems keep getting worse. Meds have helped
a bit but after my mom died it seems that all that pain just came down on top of me and I'm buried
under a mountain of that pain. As stated in the post link above, I don't feel hopeful of anything anymore.
I'm starting to question if my life has any value.
For all this time, I've been able to smile and laugh with people and just put on a facade long enough to
hide my true feelings from everyone I know. Lately it's been a lot more intense and I'm no longer able to
hold up that mask all the time. It's been slipping through, and other people have noticed, and I really
don't want them to know.
I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. One way or another I'm going to find a way to end this pain.
Before I talk about my plan, I want to preface it by stating that I really hope this isn't the only way out of
my situation. I genuinely want my life to improve. I really do not want to have to do this. I really want things
to get better, but I don't see it happening. As I stated before, I cannot picture a scenario in my head where
my life gets better. I cannot imagine a set of circumstances where I'd begin to feel any amount of happiness.
I really hope this isn't the case, I really do want another option, but I might be in a situation where I exhaust
every single avenue, and this might be the only choice left. If that happens, I'll need a plan ready to go
so I can quickly move forward with this.
Note: I didn't list every contingency I thought of because if I did, this post would take 2 hours to read.
Instead, I only wrote about the most probable ones I'm likely to face. If you think of any, please
comment, it might be something I haven't thought of, and that would really help.
Also, you may ask why is this so long, well I need this plan to go right the first time around. I do not
have any room for failure.
Onto my plan:
Phase 0: planning
So, I just want to fucking go out into the woods and disappear. I don't want anyone to ever know what
happened to me. Nobody would know where I went, what I did last, or even know that I'd died.
Objectives:
1) Discretion. Nobody should know about this plan for it to work.
Well, I never really tell people about my depression, or that I'm even suicidal. I have nobody else to tell
since I shut all my friends out years ago. Even if I still had friends that are close, I'd never tell them anyways,
I never did when they were around. Also, I'm really good at masking my feelings, and I prefer to keep
people out of the loop when it comes to my depression and especially my suicidal feelings.
2) Discoverability. The likelihood of finding my body will be at an absolute minimum.
This part is self-explanatory, and it sort of relates to the first objective. I don't want anyone to know about
what happened to me. I cannot allow my body to be discovered.
3) Identifiability. I must make my corpse impossible to identify.
If I do get discovered, I'll need to make sure that body is unrecognizable.
4) Plan must have a near 100% chance of success of catching the bus.
I mean this is the sole reason for doing this. This is why I included a backup method and possibly a third one.
5) Nobody else should be harmed by my suicide.
So, I have to make sure that not one person would get hit by a stray bullet or be traumatized by the sight
of my horribly bloodied mangled corpse. I just want to die quietly, without it affecting anybody else,
especially those who never asked to be part my death.
Preparations
Phase 1
Location
I'm not going to choose a location until I'm ready to go because the situation might change from now until
the time, I decide to kill myself (i.e., wildfire, a pandemic, some natural weather event, etc.), because if that
happens, whatever travel plans I make would totally go out the window.
• The place needs to be remote and far from any population center.
- so, places like city parks are out.
• The location needs to have a low volume of visitors.
- Places like Yellowstone or Yosemite are out.
• The location needs to have a lot of tree covering, thick brush, etc.
- Anyone flying above won't find me, and thick brush will conceal body.
- This rules out places like open deserts such as the Mojave or any flat-lands
• The site where I kill myself will have to be far from any trails or roads.
- to ensure my body never gets discovered.
Methods Prep
Primary:
The main method will be by firearm because they're 95% effective. I read the firearms megathread and
I never knew that shooting yourself would be so complicated. I thought it was just point and shoot.
I'm only going to get one shot at this (no pun intended) so I need to make sure it's done correctly.
The gun needs to be:
1) concealable
I imagine walking onto a bus carrying a rifle wouldn't go over so well.
2) must cause a significant amount of destruction.
I need it to pretty much blow a hole in my face so I won't be recognized in case my corpse is discovered.
It at least needs to destroy the front portion of my skull because there are various techniques used for postmortem identification.
So, I think I would have to be a high caliber gun, (Something like a desert eagle)
I'd love to use a shotgun, but I can't conceal it, and walking around town with it would create problems.
Acquisition of a Firearm...
if I do get reported missing and there's a record of a firearm purchase, that would raise some serious
red flags due to my strongly held political beliefs and my stance on guns so, I'll need to find a way to
purchase it without going through a background check.
• Definitely will need to travel out of state (I live a state with very strict gun laws)
• I know in some states you can buy from private sellers without doing a check.
o They usually require an in-state ID.
• I'll either need to get an out of state ID or get a fake ID (preferable)
• Maybe there is a state that doesn't care about residency?
Open to suggestions on guns, which ones to get and how to get them.
Secondary method.
I haven't fully decided what it will be, but it will most likely be poison.
• Maybe SN?
o Seems to be an entire ritual behind it, I can't simply ingest it.
• KCN
o Obtaining it would be difficult.
• Non-poison method, or other poisons? Open to suggestions
Tertiary method, either
• drowning
• falling off a high ledge - head first.
Other materials
• I can't use my credit or debit card because that would leave a paper trail.
o So need to use cash only.
o Withdrawal small sums of money until I accumulate enough to avoid suspicion
• Need camping supplies, food and water.
• Also, marijuana. I always need marijuana. Need to carry enough for the entire journey.
Traveling
Phase 2
• Uber/Lyft will make it easy to track me so I can't use that.
• I will need to take a series of trains, busses and taxis to wherever I need to go.
• Everything will be paid for in cash (because I can't have it show up on a bank statement)
• Once I reach the destination I'll start walking to the site where plan to die.
• I'll probably need to walk at least 15 - 20 miles out - that should put more than enough
distance for a stray bullet to not hit anyone, the sound of a gunshot to not be heard and minimize
the probability that my corpse would be found
• This would likely require me to walk for a few days, if not, weeks.
Ready to off myself...
Phase 3 is the grand finale of both this plan, and my shitty, sorrowful life.
Once I arrive at the site, I'll begin the preparations to end it all right then and there.
I'll get to look at a beautiful landscape which is nice. I'll be consuming the rest of my cannabis throughout the final day of my life.
I know I'll start to tear up on that day, but it would be good, at least I know I'll put an end to all my problems - permanently.
• I will have file off the serial number to the gun I'll be carrying.
- So, the gun can't be traced back to the seller, this would likely blow my anonymity.
• I'll also prep the poison as my secondary method (still haven't decided what it will be)
• I also will probably make some sort of preparation for a tertiary method.
- I'm thinking fall off the edge of a cliff after shooting myself or drowning in a lake.
- I'll need weights to make this happen.
I'll need to take steps to make sure I won't be identified.
• No distinctive clothing that would clearly point to me.
• Scars that I have, they'll probably rot away within a week.
• Need to shoot myself in a way that obliterates the front portion of my skull.
- In other words, there needs to be a giant cavity where my face is.
• DNA sampling will be harder to defeat, DNA has been to ID ppl who committed suicide that didn't want to be identified.
Only two things that would prevent me from following through the plan.
first: how my death may affect others, second: pure fucking cowardice
How my death may affect others:
I recently ran an iteration in my head through everybody that I regularly interact with at school or at
work (I had to be thorough) as a thought experiment.
I tested for two scenarios:
a) if they notice I've gone missing.
b) if they learned of my suicide.
If they notice I've gone missing:
• if they even bothered to notice that I'm missing, nobody would give a shit, which is good!
• My family would probably think I went and fucked off somewhere.
• nobody else would give it a second thought.
If they learned of my suicide:
• My sister and my dad would be upset by it for sure
• nobody else would care even in the slightest bit.
So I don't have to worry about anyone being hurt (other than my immediate family).
An actual benefit of nobody giving a shit about me. :)
(In case if you think I didn't put enough consideration into this, know that I had a methodology behind it.
For each person I considered, I drew a probability tree in my head then traversed down the most probabilistic path.)
When I do go through with it:
• I'll run one more iteration in my head (to account for new people and other people I interact with)
• if the unlikely scenario someone actually does give a shit
- I'll do whatever I can to mitigate that concern
- can't do anything about my sister, unfortunately
- that's why I need to make sure I'm not ID'd or discovered
Pure cowardice:
• This is the biggest threat to the plan
• Might not have the courage to pull the trigger
- I'll stop taking my anti-depressants before hand
- apparently a side effect of sudden withdrawal is even deeper depression
- Might give me enough motivation.
- Maybe consume a ton of alcohol to get some of that "liquid courage"
Open to suggestions…
So that's my plan as of now.
Here are some of the things I need to figure out in case if you didn't want to read the whole thing:
- What type of gun to use, still haven't decided.
- how to get the gun without doing a background check (I can pass one, but I can't have it on record if I want to disappear)
- What type of poison that I can take with a high success rate and is easy to ingest.
- Better ways to make sure I'm not discovered, also better ways to make sure I can't be identified.
- Any contingencies that I haven't thought of that might come up.
it here as a reply instead of making a new thread.
