Story ADHD and Depression

[AshClouds]

hey, I was going to write about my history with ADHD and Depression along with my exit plan,
but this topic turned to be a big one...

As mentioned in my introduction post, I've had depression since I was an
adolescent mostly because of my ADHD and how it made my life difficult.
I also have anxiety coupled with the two which just adds another layer of
difficulty on top of everything else.

Late last year, my depression started getting a lot worse. Then my mom passed away
and it just accelerated downwards from there.

I'm fairly certain that the root cause of my depression is my ADHD and how
badly it was mishandled.

I grew up with ADHD which made it hard for me to function... such as
following tasks, performance in school, among various other things. Not to
mention its led to an extreme amount of bullying which didn't seem to bother
the teachers, school administrators, or my family.
I've been diagnosed from an early age, but the way they went about treating
it was all wrong. I didn't get the correct medication - in fact I was given the
WRONG medication because the main doctor who treated me never really
understood ADHD. It didn't help that my family never actually thought
that it was a real thing. My behavior and inability to perform well
in tasks or schoolwork, due to having ADHD wasn't seen as symptoms of the
disorder but rather my own personal failings...
I even believed it at the time.

More recently, I took a deep introspective look at my childhood to
try to figure out my situation today. I found multiple points of failure and
realized how all the people around me that were supposed to look after my
best interests unwittingly drove me straight into a brick wall.

Now as an adult I'm living with the consequences of those poor decisions,
and I have just been trying so hard to move forward with my life - which
I guess is the only thing I can possibly do.
I understand that almost none of it was my fault. That there was very
little I could do as a child, and even when I knew things weren't right, I wasn't
able to express those thoughts in a coherent way, or challenge any bad decisions
that was made for me (in the rare instances that I knew a decision was bad). Not
to mention I wasn't listened to or taken seriously. I just remember being so
angry and broken inside.

Had things have gone differently, I wouldn't be here typing this message out.

Anyways, fast forward to now... I've been having it really bad recently. I've always
felt sad consistently throughout the day, but these days I feel even worse than
before this episode started flaring up. After my mom died, everything just
got so much worse. I've been getting mood swings which range from tolerable
to "I can't get the fuck out of bed right now".
Especially when I'm alone either in the car or at home, I'll begin sobbing
uncontrollably for no fucking reason and I don't know why. I feel trapped
with no way out, once in a while I'll get suicidal urges.

I had a similar episode years ago where I ended up pushing away my only
circle of friends and isolated myself, but back then I had some sense of hope
that things would eventually get better.
Late last year, I started having some serious doubts about any of it. Now
when I look over the horizon, the only thing I see is a fucking mirage.
I cannot picture a scenario in my head where things get better, or I find any level
of happiness.
I've thought about suicide for a long time, but this is the first time ever
that I started formulating a plan.

I'm just so fucking tired, and I don't know what to do and I'm running out of
options. However, I do know one thing... I cannot live with these feelings forever.
That is just not an acceptable solution...

I really have been trying to find a solution to my problems all these years.
I try to work through each one, but I keep hitting dead ends. My patience is
running thin. I'm starting to think that there does not exist a solution to any
of my problems. Maybe life itself is the problem... if that's the case, well then,
there is only just one way to answer that...

Well, that's it, I hope this helps anyone who reads this.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

At least you grew up knowing you had ADHD. I can only imagine the hell a person might go through if they never received a diagnosis, and they and everyone else just assumed the worst about them and their failures. In my case, I know something in my brain developed wrong, but no one cared enough to try and diagnose it - not my parents or the psych doctors who pushed depression meds on me, just so they could collect another pay check from the insurance.

I'm sorry you've gone through so much, but this thread will be helpful for someone I'm sure. It's nice to know we're not alone sometimes, even though it sucks knowing other people struggle the way we do.

I've thought about suicide for a long time, but this is the first time ever
that I started formulating a plan.

That's been me for years - only thinking about it and never doing. Now I do have a plan and I'm trying to acquire everything I need to make it easier on myself. Whether you act on it or not, I wanted to say good luck!

 

[waRmblanket]

well written. i'm so sorry u had to go through any of that:( you're too good for that. i delt w ADD growing up and it was hard asf to concentrate. i didnt get diagnosed till 18, which explained a lot, but made dropping out very easy. sorry this is poorly written:( jaja

I really have been trying to find a solution to my problems all these years.
I try to work through each one, but I keep hitting dead ends. My patience is
running thin. I'm starting to think that there does not exist a solution to any
of my problems. Maybe life itself is the problem... if that's the case, well then,
there is only just one way to answer that...

i always try my best to work through things, but i also know i'm not good at, through time i gave up on trying. i feel my problems would be gone if i was.
anyways, good luck with anything you desire to do:)

lots of love and support, warRmblanket

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound so tiring and awful what you've had to endure, it's certainly such a cruel world that we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[AshClouds]

At least you grew up knowing you had ADHD. I can only imagine the hell a person might go through if they never received a diagnosis, and they and everyone else just assumed the worst about them and their failures.

that's true, but even my case after the diagnosis, people still assumed the worst about me and my failures

i feel my problems would be gone if i was.

I'm think I might be getting to that point. Lately I've been thinking a lot on an exit plan and less on another solution.

 

[krxbs]

hey, just got around to reading this! the first thing i want to say is thank you for sharing your experience & i'm so sorry to hear about your mother. i can really relate to your story, it fucking sucks feeling trapped in a broken brain and being burdened with the responsibility to somehow fix yourself. i'm still working on getting diagnosed on my own, as an adult, but every single day is a challenge trying to get to that point. the world is cruel for having wronged us all like this.

wishing everyone in this thread best of luck -- and i hope we can all solve our problems without having to resort to death. sending love

 

[C:/]

I can relate to this post in so many ways. The only reason I was successful in the first half of my high-school years was that i was scared to death of failure, but once I transferred to another school it just was a huge downhill from there.

 

[sheepgirl]

Im autistic with severe anxiety, depression, BPD and binge eating disorder. Im pretty sure I have adhd and I have some trauma that affects me quite a bit but not enough for it to be diagnosable I guess?

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear your plight. Your upbringing is similar to mine, being ignored and not taken seriously, then coupled with authoritarian parents, lack of privacy, and other issues. I would say that my Aspergers has caused me more misery than benefit and ironically, my Aspergers has also led me to the conclusion of: This world sucks and life itself is a problem, and the only solution (philosophically and logically speaking) to solve 'lifes problem' is death. Of course, not withstanding all the other problems of existence and existentialism as well as philosophical issues, environmental factors and more, I have personal struggles too that push me towards wanting to CTB. They sort of act like 'catalysts' towards my eventual demise. Of course though, all reasons are valid reasons, no reason is too insignificant nor invalid (and shame on the pro-lifers for dismissing our plights! What may be a limit for us may not be a limit for others and more, furthermore, just because they don't suffer the same way we do doesn't mean we don't suffer greatly as well.) I will say that my reasons for CTB'ing is secondary to the actual act. The actual act itself is the ultimate exercise of free will and when people always look at the reasons, they completely missed the point..

Anyways, thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry that life has been terrible for you. I hope you are able to find the peace that you are looking for.