Ayaya, I'm such a doof, this is where I should've written my introduction ☠️
Well, not to repost the same thing over and over, I'll write something new...
I'm Kodokushi, Kodo for short. This nickname is somewhat special to me, I guess, since it means "lonely death" and it's a phenomenon where people die and get undiscovered for long periods of time due to how alone and isolated they were. It resonates deeply, cause it feels like this is what will happen to me if I don't go on my own terms
I'm a rat owner, a rat mommy of Sugar and Marshmallow, my current tiny rat pack, and they've been my last anchor to hold me here for a year+ now. Before my amazing pets I used to hold on to my art and writing, and hoping to one day write an original universe thingie, but that kinda fades away now. I'm very obsessed with escapism, cause current reality is un-freaking-bearable, so I'm mostly online reading nonstop (I talk actively like this pretty rarely) or playing Animal Crossing, Genshin Impact or Sims when I have the energy for it. There's also Youtube and napping for ages, but that's more of like background stuff I need to stop paying attention, I guess
I've been off therapy for a year now all thanks to wār and since then degraded back into strong selfharm and suicidal tendencies I used to have when I was much younger. It's like I traveled 10 years back lol. My medicine disappeared from the shelves and our analogue one has done more harm than good, so at the moment I don't even consider going back to my therapist and just aching
I have a loved one, who keeps yapping like a parrot "it'll he okay, everything is fine" and "I don't think you'll do it" despite knowing of my failed overdose attempts. My closest friends know about the struggles I went through and see my deterioration, but I couldn't find courage to confess I actually did it or think of doing it still. We all struggle strongly in our own way and I simply don't want to be an added burden
All and all, I'm just...relieved I can at least type all this shiet and not be yelled at or lectured. I went through hell, had a short breather and now it's back again, sigh