I was never good with introductions, yet here I am.
Life is rough, and we all know this better than most. It's why we're here. To surround ourselves with likeminded individuals, who won't judge us, even as we charge headlong into an uncertain end. I came here because a friend told me I might find people I can connect with. Reading many of your comments, and introductions, he was right. People here have something to say. They talk about topics that matter, there's a sense of depth I yearn for, but rarely find in others.
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Raised by addicts, often homeless, in and out of Foster Care. I shut down at an early age and became what is called "Selectively Mute." I couldn't bring myself to speak. At home, I was fine, I guess. I certainly seemed so. I could talk with my brothers, neighbors. But at school, I isolated myself and never let a soul close. Anyone who tried to approach me, would be met with silence. I'd nod, or shake my head in answer. Eventually they'd grow bored and give up. I never had the opportunity to grow out of that until school was finished. Moved around too much, so it was a constant "reset".
The depression was born from early trauma, leaving me with PTSD, and also my being schizoaffective. It's a combination between schizophrenic features, and features from a mood disorder, mine being Bipolar. I've always been a romantic, though. I got my first computer, and realized I could connect with others online, without a spoken word. I met people, made friends, fell in love. The love often ended tragically, and friends faded into obscurity. Year after year, loss after loss. I kept trying. But I kept losing all of the people who meant the most to me - and with each loss, I lost a part of myself with them. I'm too depressive, and it's always been difficult for others to accept that, so I do what I've always done. Isolate.
Recently I lost my dearest friend, and girlfriend, back to back. It's sent me on a downward spiral, I've felt devoid of connection. Everything's lost it's luster. Still, I try. I'm stubborn. I have a dream, to find a genuine, lasting love. To love and be loved. As much as I think about death, I would never want to take that route without giving my all first. If I ever feel that dream is unattainable, than that's it for me. For now, though, I'd rather lose what little I have in the pursuit of something, than lose everything in the pursuit of nothing.
I realize I've always loved being there for people. When people need to vent, I like to listen. To be there for them. It makes me feel useful, to be there for others. Especially in a time of need. If ever any of you struggle in life, I never mind offering my ear, and being a steadfast friend.
