Introduce yourself

[tiredtiger]

Hi everybody,

I'm like sleeping and anime and gaming, can't seem to put my head into anything much more productive haha.

Great to meet everybody!

 

[Tourniquet]

Hey everyone. You can call me T

I'll give you all a little background on me I apologize in advance if I'm all over the place. I have trouble communicating my thoughts and feelings or recalling events in a linear way.

I have been dealing with suicidal ideation and numerous failed attempts since the age of 12 years old. I am now 29 years old, and many years ago I thought I had finally reached a breakthrough so to speak and was finally happy and wanted to live. That was until 4 months ago, my fiance had a miscarriage and we lost our baby. The next morning she overdosed and died.

We were both recovering drug addicts. I turned to drugs at the age of 12 to cope with the extreme depression and constant suffering I was experiencing. I guess it became my response to trauma or difficult emotions. I was molested at the age of 5. Not sure if it contributed to my mental issues but here I am.
After attempting to hang myself when I was 12 my mother said she had a "gut feeling" something terrible was happening and went to check on me, my door was locked and I was hanging in my bedroom closet. She said I was completely blue/purple in the face and not breathing. I guess she got to me just in time to save me. She baker acted me. That was the first time I spent 2 months in a psychiatric ward.
I have been baker acted about 8 times now, I stopped trying to kill myself in physically violent ways because of this and turned to just using drugs and decided I can't talk about my feelings because nobody understands.

2 months ago I intravenously injected 1.5 grams of fentanyl trying to overdose but my tolerance to the drug was so high it didn't work. After losing the love of my life I spiraled out of control with the drugs...again. Ended up getting arrested...again. Just got out of jail last week and the whole time I was in there all I could think about was suicide.

My life is really just fucked. I don't see myself being able to do this very much longer. But I want to talk about everything before I make the final decision. I have roughly thought out a plan for ending my life, no set date, however I do have one in mind (my late fiances birthday, or what would be our anniversary) but perhaps I should slow down and examine all the angles and possible affect(s) it could have on the people around me.
At this point I don't want to live for myself, so the only possible reason for me to keep fighting is for my 2 younger brothers, my mother, and my grandmother. But even then I resent them for not understanding that it is my right to choose how I live, and how I die.

I don't want to grow old. Sounds and looks like a shitty thing to experience and I've experienced enough personal hell for multiple lifetimes.
Everything I ever wanted and cared about was taken from me. I'm homeless, jobless, a 4 time convicted felon with multiple arrests on my record, high-school drop out, and I have "polysubstance abuse disorder" I have been using drugs since I was a preteen and in all these years I only managed 3 years clean time just to have everything I ever wanted right within my reach only to have it all destroyed in the blink of an eye. I watched her die and not be able to save her despite my desperate attempts and calling 911 it was too late and i blame myself.....my drivers license is as of right now permanently suspended, my back was broken in a car accident when I was 14 and I have since had 2 spinal fusions and I live in a state of constant physical pain. On top of that I am severely manic depressive, anxiety disorder, bi polar among other things and recently have had psychotic episodes which I think may be a development of either borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder, or even potentially the beginning of split personality disorder. (My younger brother says I have an alter ego that takes over when I get really intoxicated, I've had multi-week drug fueled blackouts where I'm somehow still fully functional but have no memory of anything that I did, apparently someone else is behind the wheel)

So with that. I am seeking a place in which I can discuss my life, be open and honest about my suicidal thoughts and feelings, without fear of being thrown into a psych ward or simply just being told to stop talking about it as if my feelings are invalid or taboo simply because people just aren't comfortable talking about death.

Whether talking about it affects the outcome of what I choose to do does not matter to me at this time. For now, I am dead set (pun not intended) on ending my life as soon as it feasible for me to do so in the manner I wish to accomplish it. But what's the rush, we all die eventually anyways so I figure what the hell maybe I'm missing something, maybe I should keep searching for answers, maybe there's a reason I'm still here.

Whatever the case may be... I am tired and I really see no point in staying alive. People = Shit and I do believe that if I choose to stay alive not only will I experience greater suffering, but will also cause the people I love greater suffering because of my drug addiction.

Hobbies- used to have them... have lost interest in everything
Death is the final frontier for me

 

[hyzenthlay96]

Salutations everyone

First post here.

I've stumbled upon this site looking for methods, and it's been quite a website.

I've been ready to catch the bus since I was a small child, even then I knew existences wasn't mean for me. But what capabilities does a child have to leave? None of course. 8 attempts left me worse off, every single time.

Going onto 30 now, and let me tell you. Living a lifetime of wanting to get to the other side, has only left me a bitter angry person. My whole life people told me give it more time, life will get better. What kind of sick joke is that.

I don't care about how unbearable the method is anymore, as long as it works. That's all that matters.

I'm glad I am not alone on this journey to seek the other side. Sorry my first post is rubbish.

 

[sinkbear]

Hi!
It's so comforting to have found a place where it's possible to speak about these issues more freely than with people surrounding me in real life. I'm not in a horrible position in life right, but I've been struggling with ideas of meaninglessness and what I hope to get from life for the longest time. Really rarely do I post anything on the internet but this might be the place to break that habit

 

[furret]

Heyo,
I'm a bit nervous about posting here since it seems like a lot of effort goes into maintaining this community, but I hope I'll be able to contribute a little.
Some things I like are music, computers, games, and puzzles.
Nice to meet you all.

 

[MoriLori]

Hello everyone!

I was recently approved here as a new member and I am looking forward to listen to your experiences and thoughts, as this is pretty much my last hope of ever connecting with other people. I think no one deserves to feel alone with their feelings, and everyone has a right to speak up about it without being judged.

As for me, I go by the name Mori. I am 24 years old (she/they) and have been thinking about CTB for a while now. I have already decided on a method and set a date - but I am still unsure wether I should go through with my plans or try to recover. In time I hope I can make my decision.
Some personal info: I like to draw in my freetime, write my own stories and I'm completely obsessed with video games. Mostly World of Warcraft lmao. I also listen to all types of metal and rock. As for my sexuality, I'm pansexual

I am open for any type of conversations and even make new friends, so feel free to message me anytime! I also have an open ear for anyone who needs it.

 

[mpdikm1]

hello,

i am a new member - i have seeked and found this forum in order to access a viable solution for me how to deal with my 12 years parkinsons syndrom. Lets see what this place is all about.

 

[Hitakiri]

I was never good with introductions, yet here I am.

Life is rough, and we all know this better than most. It's why we're here. To surround ourselves with likeminded individuals, who won't judge us, even as we charge headlong into an uncertain end. I came here because a friend told me I might find people I can connect with. Reading many of your comments, and introductions, he was right. People here have something to say. They talk about topics that matter, there's a sense of depth I yearn for, but rarely find in others.

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Raised by addicts, often homeless, in and out of Foster Care. I shut down at an early age and became what is called "Selectively Mute." I couldn't bring myself to speak. At home, I was fine, I guess. I certainly seemed so. I could talk with my brothers, neighbors. But at school, I isolated myself and never let a soul close. Anyone who tried to approach me, would be met with silence. I'd nod, or shake my head in answer. Eventually they'd grow bored and give up. I never had the opportunity to grow out of that until school was finished. Moved around too much, so it was a constant "reset".

The depression was born from early trauma, leaving me with PTSD, and also my being schizoaffective. It's a combination between schizophrenic features, and features from a mood disorder, mine being Bipolar. I've always been a romantic, though. I got my first computer, and realized I could connect with others online, without a spoken word. I met people, made friends, fell in love. The love often ended tragically, and friends faded into obscurity. Year after year, loss after loss. I kept trying. But I kept losing all of the people who meant the most to me - and with each loss, I lost a part of myself with them. I'm too depressive, and it's always been difficult for others to accept that, so I do what I've always done. Isolate.

Recently I lost my dearest friend, and girlfriend, back to back. It's sent me on a downward spiral, I've felt devoid of connection. Everything's lost it's luster. Still, I try. I'm stubborn. I have a dream, to find a genuine, lasting love. To love and be loved. As much as I think about death, I would never want to take that route without giving my all first. If I ever feel that dream is unattainable, than that's it for me. For now, though, I'd rather lose what little I have in the pursuit of something, than lose everything in the pursuit of nothing.

I realize I've always loved being there for people. When people need to vent, I like to listen. To be there for them. It makes me feel useful, to be there for others. Especially in a time of need. If ever any of you struggle in life, I never mind offering my ear, and being a steadfast friend.

 

[dismalEnucleation]

Hello everyone, I'm Dismal.

Made this account to vent but maybe I'll be able to meet new people.
I have pretty bad paranoia, and got hit with the double whammy of ADHD and Autism
I'm in a lot of fandoms and enjoy games, drawing, various horror media, and a few other things.
Sorry this isn't really an interesting introduction but I tried.

 

[basedfluttershy]

hello! <3 my name is james, i'm looking for some friends to talk to on here. not even sure how to really introduce myself since this is my first time posting/replying to anything on here.

 

[leahfocusplease]

hello.
leah was the hebrew name i chose for when i was to convert to judaism—life chose otherwise.
life also chose to give me asd, anxiety and a general awkwardness that kneecaps almost all attempts at living normally. that and various traumas, in case the first batch of issues wasn't enough.
i'm an artist (primarily in music, but also in poetry and digital art) and like reading literature and philosophy. hopefully this community doesn't find me too annoying.

 

[watchdog]

yo! im watchdog :D
i like anime, sh-ing, drawing, and wallowing in self pity.

 

[NobodyEverywhere]

Hello I like gaming, music, and smoking
I have a Spotify playlist where I just throw everything in, it's 420 songs and I'd say about 360 ish of them is from the same artist. I'm also probably not going to be alive by the time the years up so better get to know me while you can

 

[xthebesttrash:3]

hey all, call me x (my pfp is my dog :3), been lurking on this site for awhile but decided it was about time to become a member.. here is some info about me -

i love cats (nothing i love more than meow meow) marijuana, music, mostly all genres included. video games is also one of my favorite hobbies currently mainly playing Dead by Daylight and Valorant eh thats about all, im quite a boring person spending most days dwelling on the internet, if you wanna talk to me dont be afraid to - :3 anyways bye now !

 

[Min-Ho]

Hi there you can call me Sakuta 19m (He/Him), here because I've been thinking about CTB more and have had a failed attempt in the past. I did not know of the existence of this site until I watched a youtube video that was ironically preventing those from finding this site. I am still undecided on method and date but in the meantime I'd like to get to know others :) I enjoy playing valorant, going to the gym, editing, edm, getting fadedthanahoe, and anime.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Hey, I'm a bit weeb and I like games. I'm MTF and omnisexual (prefer women). I hope to get to know a lot of you and have fun together and build a sense of community. <3

 

[Danyyyyy]

hellooo, im dany
I think im too lazy to do anything (prob just movement in general LMAO)
I play rhythm games alot (on roblox, laptop, the arcade, mobile)
I watch anime (kaboom emoji idk)
I'm hoping I can make friends :D

 

[warmsand]

hey all, i'm warmsand
i like anime and playing roblox!
i also like watching movies and listening to music.
hope to get acquainted with you all!

 

[Wrxngg]

Hey im Wrxngg, I like playing games sometimes, but I tend to just lay in bed more. I like some anime but don't watch too often. I'd like to try and meet a few people i think so great to meet everyone!

 

[moonchildren]

hello everyone! please call me mile. 24, she/they, purveyor of puppy pics even though i don't have one right now and am simply living vicariously through people with their own dogs.

long-time lurker here as i was mostly hellbent on looking for more effective methods and have been wanting to dip my toes in the pool for a while now. been ready to CTB since 2019 and did attempt by jumping, but my mostly military/police relatives intervened and it got immensely messy lol. got institutionalized, locked in house arrest, mandated to deplete my wallet for meds and therapy -- you name it, i've been through it.

now, i'm finally away from my abusive family and in a different country for work and post-grad. have no intention of finishing, of course. there's liberation in the knowledge that hopefully, hopefully i'll be able to get my own bus ticket this year.

anyway, some stuff i like: queer/queer-coded thrillers (hannibal, killing eve, beyond evil, strangers from hell, etc.), baking, learning new languages, indie comics, overwatch, literally All genres of music (i review music for a living), the SN i keep by my bedside

looking forward to making friends and talking to you folks here. <3

 

[mkitsune]

heya, I'm Mia, 21 (almost 22! ), didn't win the family lottery so I'm dealing with a shit situation right now
I can't stand talking abt wanting to ctb w ppl who don't understand so yeah looking forwards to this forum
uuuh idk I like to draw & paint sometimes also anime and cartoons r dope

xoxo (๑•́ ₃ •̀๑)

 

[pulsar]

I'm a 20 year old college student who can't keep his thoughts in order. Sorry for the rambling nature of the post.

I like watching animation, from both east and west. I've developed a liking for good cinema and television because of my tendency to waste my time, and sometimes I listen to Nightcore versions of pop songs. I also like electronic music. I have a slightly odd taste in video games. I am (was) interested in game development, and l want (wanted) to learn to play the guitar. I used to read random novels before, but now I mostly read comics and manga, with the occasional classic thrown in.

I remember setting a use-before date for myself way back when I was 12. As I've gotten older, I've reduced the age I'll allow myself to live to. I'm currently sapping my parents' money to get a degree I wanted back when I was capable of wanting stuff. Now I'm trying to muster up the courage to kill myself before the fee payment date for next semester comes around.

Sounds like the bullet list bios people put on twitter, but infinitely more authentic.

Yes life sure is a series of closing doors. Most are still open in your 20s. by middle age they all are slamming shut forever.

hello everyone! please call me mile. 24, she/they, purveyor of puppy pics even though i don't have one right now and am simply living vicariously through people with their own dogs.

long-time lurker here as i was mostly hellbent on looking for more effective methods and have been wanting to dip my toes in the pool for a while now. been ready to CTB since 2019 and did attempt by jumping, but my mostly military/police relatives intervened and it got immensely messy lol. got institutionalized, locked in house arrest, mandated to deplete my wallet for meds and therapy -- you name it, i've been through it.

now, i'm finally away from my abusive family and in a different country for work and post-grad. have no intention of finishing, of course. there's liberation in the knowledge that hopefully, hopefully i'll be able to get my own bus ticket this year.

anyway, some stuff i like: queer/queer-coded thrillers (hannibal, killing eve, beyond evil, strangers from hell, etc.), baking, learning new languages, indie comics, overwatch, literally All genres of music (i review music for a living), the SN i keep by my bedside

looking forward to making friends and talking to you folks here. <3

Why do medication and talk never work? Well talk is just talk, so of course it changes nothing in your life, but even Spravato didn't work for me. What music genres do you review?

 

[pulsar]

I was never good with introductions, yet here I am.

Life is rough, and we all know this better than most. It's why we're here. To surround ourselves with likeminded individuals, who won't judge us, even as we charge headlong into an uncertain end. I came here because a friend told me I might find people I can connect with. Reading many of your comments, and introductions, he was right. People here have something to say. They talk about topics that matter, there's a sense of depth I yearn for, but rarely find in others.

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Raised by addicts, often homeless, in and out of Foster Care. I shut down at an early age and became what is called "Selectively Mute." I couldn't bring myself to speak. At home, I was fine, I guess. I certainly seemed so. I could talk with my brothers, neighbors. But at school, I isolated myself and never let a soul close. Anyone who tried to approach me, would be met with silence. I'd nod, or shake my head in answer. Eventually they'd grow bored and give up. I never had the opportunity to grow out of that until school was finished. Moved around too much, so it was a constant "reset".

The depression was born from early trauma, leaving me with PTSD, and also my being schizoaffective. It's a combination between schizophrenic features, and features from a mood disorder, mine being Bipolar. I've always been a romantic, though. I got my first computer, and realized I could connect with others online, without a spoken word. I met people, made friends, fell in love. The love often ended tragically, and friends faded into obscurity. Year after year, loss after loss. I kept trying. But I kept losing all of the people who meant the most to me - and with each loss, I lost a part of myself with them. I'm too depressive, and it's always been difficult for others to accept that, so I do what I've always done. Isolate.

Recently I lost my dearest friend, and girlfriend, back to back. It's sent me on a downward spiral, I've felt devoid of connection. Everything's lost it's luster. Still, I try. I'm stubborn. I have a dream, to find a genuine, lasting love. To love and be loved. As much as I think about death, I would never want to take that route without giving my all first. If I ever feel that dream is unattainable, than that's it for me. For now, though, I'd rather lose what little I have in the pursuit of something, than lose everything in the pursuit of nothing.

I realize I've always loved being there for people. When people need to vent, I like to listen. To be there for them. It makes me feel useful, to be there for others. Especially in a time of need. If ever any of you struggle in life, I never mind offering my ear, and being a steadfast friend.

I like your introduction, very well written. I kind of agree with your philosophy I don't think there is really much something left for me now though. Maybe I will like this site after all the people here seem like my kind of people too, maybe I will stick around although I initially read all the media coverage and that this would ne a good place to find the best wat to die. We'll see I guess.
So basically it seems video games, anime, music and art and movies make a person want to end their life. I kid. Really I think everyone in this world just wants to be understood, I know I have for a long time. The person who did understand and said I understood her more than anyone ending up going through benzo withdrawal which is hell, (currently going through it, mot sleeping at all), and ending her life. There seems to be people here I would like to get to know if I don't kick the chair out from underneath me first. I will write more about me later maybe, but I used up my one introductory post and now I must face the demons or insomnia and musings on a life of unrelenting failure with no reason left to live. Maybe I will chronicle it all here before shuffling off this mortal coil. I don't get to go anywhere for spring break, I will have to sit here in the dreary pacific northwest 100 miles north of Seattle with the April 5th and the ghosts of Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley visiting me like Ebenezer Scrooge.

 

[KarmicRain]

I'm Rain and I'm 20.
I originally found this website through tantacrul's video but for some reason everything he said just felt kinda wrong. I ended up coming to the site myself and reading some of the responses to him as well as surrounding threads: I think I've been looking for this site for a long time. I needed it about half a decade ago, but better late then never.
I grew up with pretty loving parents in a Christian household. Being force-fed christian beliefs led me to a fear of hell for a long time, but that only really mattered around middle school. Before that I was just a crybaby but then they kinda evolved into anger issues as I got older. At the same time, I gained some got damn self awareness outside my own body: things like how no one really cares about you since they're busy with their own life and how life in a nutshell is: school->work->die.
I've always been extremely lazy, but I don't think I was depressed until around 8th grade. I'd spend as much of my time as possible playing video games whenever i finished homework, but that eventually changed. 9th grade was when i had my first drink: stole some wine from the wine cabinet and literally blacked out. Somewhere between a week and a month later, made my first plans to ctb and actually went through with most of it: In the middle of the night, I took a cab to a city about a couple hrs away from where I lived and bought some sleeping medication. I was planning to just take them, watch the sun rise, and pass out with that as the last thing I see. Instead, i just cried my eyes out, called my sister, and went home. had some heartfelt conversations with my family, and kinda moved on.
In 10th grade I lived in a 20 story building, skipped school, and sat outside the window at the rooftop. Honestly it was the very definition of serene: Didn't feel a thing when my feet hung over the edge, but I did hear my parents call me. the school told them I was absent so they found me on the roof. Had another conversation with them, and moved on. The difference is, that year I tried to change. I really did. I started going to the gym everyday, focusing on my grades, made friends, and it turned out well. the following year I did the same and took AP classes as well as joining speech and debate. I think this was when i was probably doing the best despite the thoughts in the back of my head: the distractions helped. Covid hit the following year and I had a lot of time to myself. In that time i just spent it playing video games and reading manga. first year of college followed and I still continued until one day: they just weren't fun anymore. I could read/watch/play shit as much as I wanted but stopped feeling joy from it. I also kind of dropped working out after 12th grade and didn't talk to my friends as much anymore. Things that were fun weren't fun anymore but they were at least a distraction from the fact that I exist. And I thought maybe that was enough for a while. It wasn't. it just progressively felt worse until i started sleeping a lot. like through consecutive days a lot (on days i didn't have class). Like in 10th grade, it was a pretty bad spot in my life so I tried to do something more or less the same: i started working out a lot and trying to socialize with my friends in college. It didn't have anywhere near the same effect as it did in 10th grade: my head just wasn't the same. So, i one day decided I'd pick between joining a fraternity or the Army to try making a change to myself and now I'm in the army. Now, anytime I'm free and not distracting myself with something (like manga or video games), anxiety or ctb is the only thing that fills my mind. The Army did shit to me. Not because it was objectively difficult or anything, I just grew up insanely sheltered. Like i lived a relatively good childhood, i'm just obviously an ungrateful piece of shit since I'm not happy. Basic training was supposed to get me used to the army and all it really did was kill my ability to really deep think at all. I had to constantly pay attention and remember things at surface level with long exhausting days and irregular sleep cycles. it took a few months after basic for me to actually regain the ability to really think properly beyond what i see at face value: And now I'm certain joining was a mistake. I'm inherently extremely lazy but I still decided to join. I shouldn't have but I can't leave because of something called a dishonorable discharge: it just fucks with you're ability to have a career permanently. But either way, I don't think i'd ever make enough to actually be self sustaining outside of the army: not in this economy. that was half the reason i joined.
sorry for the tangent, but yea im still here. The thoughts don't leave and I just live on a week to week basis waiting for the weekends so i can distract myself from being alive. But im tired of it. so god damn tired of it. I don't want to do anything. I feel the best when im unconcious and i want it to just stay that way. If i say anything i'll be fucked up and sent to a psyche ward. If i didn't love my family i would have ctb'd half a decade ago by myself: i regret it. Words can't express how much I still regret it. I don't even believe in christianity or a god anymore: i think the afterlife is probably something like eternal sleep. Like a bunch of nothing: no thoughts, no shit to worry about, no one who worries about me. just nothing. I think that'd be nice.
I know i don't have the right to feel this way, nothing really happened that incited these feelings but they're still here. They don't leave. I've lived an objectively good life up to now so why can't i just be happy with what I have?

 

[Hikikomori1]

Hello i am new here.

I am a shut-in who has autism spectrum disorder and suffers with anxiety and depression.

I like Japanese culture internet culture horror movies retro video games and the supernatural.

I can speak Japanese and some German too.

I want to meet and talk with others who are like me and eventually recover or if things don't workout eventually ctb.

 

[Elidibus]

Hey all.
I'm 35+, had suicidal ideation for decades but now I've had an exit plan and felt okay about it for months so I'm going to go ahead and execute that plan. I'm here to look for a painless solution. Always up for a chat.

 

[SalemKnives]

howdy im salem :)
im a new member here!
I've suffered from depression and a self harm for 6-7 years. although my self harm is off and on, i've been deciding to start self harming more frequently. I've suffered from a eating disorder for about 4 years now.
I love to draw, read, listen to music, annoy my bf, and i love pink <3
I joined so i can have a community of people like me since i don't talk about my suicidal ideations/thoughts to anyone.
thank you for reading :)

 

[SNaddict279]

Hi,

Im 18 and in my final year of high school. Ive been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for 4 years now. I got bullied a lot especially because I have Tourettes Syndrome and autistic traits. My mind is a mess.

I wish I had the energy to tell more about myself but its 3am, im really tired, and its likely that nobody cares anyway lol

 

[Haruka]

Hi everybody! I go by Haruka, I'm 19 and live in the UK for university. I suffer quite rough with depression and anxiety and some other possible disorders, as well as an ED. I don't have any friends IRL due to my anxiety, so I rely on the internet to make friends, which I do have a few of. I love Japanese culture, Japanese music and history. I am always around to DM so please don't hesitate as I'm never doing anything unless I'm in university lol. Thanks for reading, have a good day

 

[Ume]

Hey everyone :) I'm in the UK, late 20s, had lifelong depression and ME/CFS for a long time which has really damaged my brain. Had a recent attempt, and since then I've been having a lot of difficulties breathing/coughing fits and migraines from time in A & E. Things are slowly getting better, but my sleep problems have suddenly got a lot worse and I'm panicking more. Think I'm less distracted and getting used to my usual ME symptoms, which make me feel like I'm dying. I felt like I was okay waiting a while to do it again and do it properly this time as long as it was coming, but it's getting harder. My family have been really sweet and supportive but it's also been hard feeling so guilty but still so suicidal, and I'm being watched over closely. I've been trying to get help for a long time, but I've never convinced my doctors to try certain treatments I think would've saved me a decade ago before I lost so much time to all of this. Depression has stopped me feeling any pleasure in anything as long as I can remember. As for ME, it stops me doing any of the things I want to but I used to like writing, working out (I really wanted to learn to dance), art and being outside. I can't read books anymore but I read some manga. I struggle with writing so I can be slow to reply, but feel free to message me if you relate to anything or think we'd get along. :)