I've got a very common trans man name so just call me Icarus. A fitting name for the way my life has gone.
I'm almost 30, been on and off suicidal since I was a child. Even the off suicidal days were me being only afraid of the sudden stop more than anything. The unknown and great fear of a potential afterlife or, worse, being sent back to this shithole. Due to my upbringing, my spiritual beliefs are beyond fucked; I'm an atheist for comforts sake. I genuinely hope there's nothing after death, I don't wanna do this shit ever again.
I'm the oldest of 6 siblings. Born to two dipshits in the us military in Germany, got dragged to the states, never stayed in a place for more than like 3, maybe 4 years after. Got diagnosed with autism at 2 years old. To my credit, evidently they expected me to turn out way worse.
My life has been incredibly fucking weird. Like if I told you half this shit, you'd think I was making it up. My mother is
the slipperiest bitch on the planet and the reason for like 60% of why my life is presently in the shitter. The shit she's done in general, let alone to just me, deserves its own thread. I pity whoever's had her as their nurse. I've been trying to undo most of that damage but there's only so much you can undo with minimal funds and time from working to get said funds and the main constant in my life has been a lack of resources. As much as like 10,000 dollars could help me, I've no idea how I'd use that much money before something happened to it. Maybe actually go to school, go back to Germany to live my final days as a book end to the least cohesive series ever. idk.
The remaining 40% is from:
- The 'tism
- The dreaded EDS-POTS combo that got diagnosed too late
- My drinking problem I've had on and off since 12
- My shit coping mechanisms
- God's indifference
(Main reason thats not a higher percentage is because I keep running into shit she did as obstacles. I wish it were mainly me, I'd feel less embarrassed to end it. Feels like the witch follows me no matter where I go, like I'm admitting defeat.)
Aside from the Autism, I got:
- PTSD (Sexual assault, forced institutionalization.)
- CPTSD
- Not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I've got one of the dissociative disorders.
- Probably some kind of borderline but that's a bad idea to touch rn
- Paranoid delusions are there. Half certain my loved ones are planning to take me in to be locked away if I post here too much. Like someone's waiting to. Like they already know.
Most likely some kind of aromantic/demiromantic asexual but uh. Shit's weird with that and I've certainly slept around like I'm not. Mostly for the tasty brain chemicals and feeling like I was in control. I like fictional men a lot, though, I've got several I feel about in ways I've never felt about anybody I could actually touch. This is also a factor. The disgust. The lack of desire.
I like a number of things I'm really gd protective of so. I'll likely only bring anything I like up if it's relevant. My interests are like the few things keeping me from exploding. I did, however, draw my icon and designed the fancharacter in it, if that's telling of anything.
I am most likely going to use some kind of ingestion method for CTB. Funnily enough, I have many, many cherry pits in my possession next to me right now but after some extensive researching, the amygdalin likely won't be enough to be a sure end. I collected them for this purpose, counted over 80, but you know. I'm more likely to get an obstruction than actually process this into enough cyanide to do something, lmao. Not like I still have my mortar and pestle. That would not be my first shit attempt, I'm so happy there's more information here.
