Venting Going to talk to my dad

[february in alaska]

Let me know if I should've put this in the recovery forum instead. Sorry. This week has fried my brain

I've posted a lot about my plan to CTB via SN tonight/very early tomorrow morning. I've technically got everything I need. I've been trying to get out before my university graduation comes around because as of 7 months ago I completely gave up and I am now failing. To this moment I don't have any real desire to live (at least, for myself)

I know my death would devastate my family and I can't bear to leave my cat all alone. She and my mom have no one else. I still don't think I have it in me to outlive them but I also don't think I can leave them until I know they will have other people for them. That, and the idea of SN without benzos is still making me a bit queasy. I don't think I'm mentally prepared to CTB even though I wish I was.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I'm going to call my dad tonight and tell him I'm failing university and I need to drop or take a break year, that my medication isn't working and I need to talk to my psychiatrist, that I just need. help. I don't know how he'll take it.

If he doesn't take me seriously I'll tell him about my plans to CTB via hanging (not the SN, because I want to be able to keep it as a fail safe.) If he yells at me about university or threatens me I think that will be the push I need to CTB, and hey, at least I can say I tried.

I can try new medication and even therapy again if he forces me to, I won't have to have this weight of failing uni on my shoulders, and maybe just MAYBE something will work and my brain will get fixed and I'll finally figure it out. I'm 21 so I don't think he can have me institutionalized(?) But mostly, I'm going to use the extra time to try to get myself prepared to CTB with SN for real, find benzos, etc. I'll keep all my SN stuff safe and hidden as a way out if/when I need it

I feel insane writing this. Like I finally have a way out. What the fuck am I doing. I really thought I was ready. I feel like nobody is going to take me seriously if I don't even try attempting but I don't want to attempt unless I really mean it. I hate this limbo more than anything

Scared to death about coming clean to my dad but otherwise I would be killing myself tonight so I have nothing to lose really. Wish me luck or advice idk anymore lmao I'm such a fucking disaster

 

[OCDsufferer]

If you decide to talk to your father and all goes well (or at least not as bad as it could have) I hope it all works out and you can push the idea of ctb away.

If you do end up ctb know that you tried, it isn't your fault, rest well.

 

[february in alaska]

If you decide to talk to your father and all goes well (or at least not as bad as it could have) I hope it all works out and you can push the idea of ctb away.

If you do end up ctb know that you tried, it isn't your fault, rest well.

Yeah. Thank you. I can't imagine myself ever not being suicidal, but clearly I'm too cowardly to actually do it yet

I don't know where that leaves me but it's nice to know there's an emergency exit if I ever do get the guts. Part of me hopes he takes it horribly just so I'm in a bad enough place to go through with it anyway

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Dont know the laws wherever you are, but it seems if someone ( you) threatens suicide, even if youre 21, your dad would certainly be able to contact someone to intervene and they may be able to section you, at least on a temp basis. But, like you said, that could get the ball rolling in order to get the help you seem to want.

 

[february in alaska]

Dont know the laws wherever you are, but it seems if someone ( you) threatens suicide, even if youre 21, your dad would certainly be able to contact someone to intervene and they may be able to section you, at least on a temp basis. But, like you said, that could get the ball rolling in order to get the help you seem to want.

Apparently you're right, at least in the state I live in. I really can't do that. I guess I don't know if it's worth telling him or anyone else at this point I just don't know what else to do

 

[anhedonya]

Hi please tell him. I know a lot of people don't have perfect families and the fear of being committed is VERY real and I understand that. I also know this is your choice. But if you feel the need to reach out to someone, please follow it. Think of this way: if you're going to CTB someday anyhow, then what harm could it possibly do to try and say something? Just trying?

Please reach out and talk to him. I don't know you and again it's your life and your choice, I get that. But recovery should not be avoided just because of the fear of failure or negative consequences. Happy consequences and wins can occur too.

Please talk to him. I'm begging you to try. You deserve a chance at life.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Apparently you're right, at least in the state I live in. I really can't do that. I guess I don't know if it's worth telling him or anyone else at this point I just don't know what else to do

If I may be so bold to say, it seems like, maybe, you're wanting to tell your dad as a "cry" for help? That you'd really rather get help than to CTB? IDK. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live if that is what YOU want. It's all about you, and it should be. It's your life. You should always do what is best for you. Maybe CTB isn't right for you right now? It can always be revisited after you try and get help and try to fix the things that need fixing in your life. You may succeed in fixing things, or you may fail. There's no shame in failure if you try. Maybe you owe it to yourself to see if things can be made better for yourself? Only you know the answer for what you really want.

 

[february in alaska]

I also know this is your choice. But if you feel the need to reach out to someone, please follow it. Think of this way: if you're going to CTB someday anyhow, then what harm could it possibly do to try and say something? Just trying?

Please reach out and talk to him. I don't know you and again it's your life and your choice, I get that. But recovery should not be avoided just because of the fear of failure or negative consequences. Happy consequences and wins can occur too.

Maybe CTB isn't right for you right now? It can always be revisited after you try and get help and try to fix the things that need fixing in your life. You may succeed in fixing things, or you may fail. There's no shame in failure if you try.

Ok. If the conversation doesn't blow up in my face I think I'm going to give it a try. Even if it's just for a week or until I find benzos or until I feel prepared to leave... if I'm not ready to CTB, then I'm stuck here anyway... and if I hit rock bottom in the process or things get worse, maybe that will help make me ready to leave. At this point I don't care if I'm heading towards recovery or another attempt as long as I'm heading towards something

Anyway, sorry. I just asked to meet with him tomorrow and he said yes so I guess I'm going to do it

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I think I said it in one of your other threads already, failing college / uni isn't the end of the world. Not everyone is made for college. I hope you dad will be supportive. In the worst case you have your method and that's relieving!

 

[justcallmeJ]

Good luck, i hope it works out <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

I personally think it's worth trying to talk to your Dad. It's so frightening to know we are failing or, likely about to. It can feel like a relief to come clean. I just hope your Dad is supportive. He may not realise it but, this is his chance to 'save' you. I hope he takes it. I think you could be honest about how you're feeling but, if being sectioned terrifies you- I think you should say this. If you explain how long you've had these thoughts and that you haven't acted on them yet- surely that shows you aren't impulsive.

I think you could almost go to him with what you think would help you. Sometimes, I've found that's worked in life. Even if it's a decision to step down from an opportunity, resign, go on medication or seek therapy- it's still decisions we have reasoned through and made for ourselves. Do you have an idea of what might help you at the moment? A break from uni? Therapy? Do you feel willing to explore other paths?

 

[Ash]

I hope it all works out for you x

 

[february in alaska]

I personally think it's worth trying to talk to your Dad. It's so frightening to know we are failing or, likely about to. It can feel like a relief to come clean. I just hope your Dad is supportive. He may not realise it but, this is his chance to 'save' you. I hope he takes it. I think you could be honest about how you're feeling but, if being sectioned terrifies you- I think you should say this. If you explain how long you've had these thoughts and that you haven't acted on them yet- surely that shows you aren't impulsive.

I think you could almost go to him with what you think would help you. Sometimes, I've found that's worked in life. Even if it's a decision to step down from an opportunity, resign, go on medication or seek therapy- it's still decisions we have reasoned through and made for ourselves. Do you have an idea of what might help you at the moment? A break from uni? Therapy? Do you feel willing to explore other paths?

I'll have to consider... It's kind of weird because although I'm not ready to CTB, I still don't want to live either. But I'm also willing to try therapy again (and basically everything except an inpatient facility.) But I can't do university, maybe a gap year or something

To be honest this is more just me postponing the next suicide attempt rather than fully embracing recovery... but if I magically find a will to live in the meantime, then that's something. As long as I have the option to leave if I want to later down the line

 

[thedevilwithin]

i hope the absolute best for you. i hope you find the peace all of us look for.

 

[rozeske]

Don't feel bad for postponing your date. Suicide should be the last resort. Sorry am just seeing your post now and am not sure if you've already spoke to your dad but maybe instead of telling him you have a plan to ctb tell him the stress is making you want to kill your self and that you don't believe it's worth your life. There is a very good chance he won't choose your education over the risk of your life. And like @Praestat_Mori mentioned you should know life is so much more than uni degree. Take a break and work on yourself, work on what you want out of this life. Nothing is worth your mental suffering.

 

[anhedonya]

Ok. If the conversation doesn't blow up in my face I think I'm going to give it a try. Even if it's just for a week or until I find benzos or until I feel prepared to leave... if I'm not ready to CTB, then I'm stuck here anyway... and if I hit rock bottom in the process or things get worse, maybe that will help make me ready to leave. At this point I don't care if I'm heading towards recovery or another attempt as long as I'm heading towards something

Anyway, sorry. I just asked to meet with him tomorrow and he said yes so I guess I'm going to do it

No need to apologize! Best of luck to you with this conversation and I'm proud of you for reaching out.