My time is running out

[Jen0804]

My time is running out and I'm reaching the point where it will no longer be about enjoying last days but where I will have to go ahead and ctb. I am disabled and take opiate based pain relief, relying on it to not be bed bound however my dr is gonna end up stopping it on the 26th. Life had already fallen apart but own without my pain relief I'm so in trouble!! I don't stand a chance.

I was due to marry next month it was my final goal in the physical, but thanks to this doctor it's over and as awful as it sounds I'll be exposing the Mis treatment in my letter to the coroner.

I just really need to vent about how sad I am. I haven't spoken to a good friend of mine in six moths and I have literally maybe sixteen days at most left and she won't contact me before then. She has no idea what's gonna happen but I hope she knows after all that I tried to reach out to her and did my best. She's currently ghosting me and has no clue what's about to happen but I really don't want her to feel guilty

I don't want any of my friends to , but they are already growing suspicious

I'm a website owner and I'm always online hit recently I haven't had a care to do anything on the website and now they are all starting to get suspicious about why I'm so distant and quiet

However I can't keep up with the acting any more so it's just easier to disappear

I'm also feeling guilty that I had not paid any towards my imminent funeral

Bottom line: I'm a crap person and I hope my friend ends up hating me rather than missing me when I'm out of here.

Thanks for reading

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi @Jen0804
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad.
Why is your dr stopping the pain meds?
Can you get them from other dr or ask for a second opinion?
Would you tell your friend what is going on for you? And does your hubby to be, know the gravity of how you feel?
From what i have seen of your posts,you are so far from being a crap person but a kind and genuine person and i am sure your friend could never hate you.
I hope things will sort themselves out for you.
Hugs x

 

[Jen0804]

Thanks so much Lara
I'm very lucky that my partner/fiancée is pro choice and supports my decision if the times comes where I'll constantly be in torment (we talk about it all the time) and I know it seems wrong but I like that they get it. My doctor surgery warned me a yet ago that morphine isn't for long term even though I've been on it for two years they said the day will come where they stop it so it seems it's time cause I've been called in. He said "no doctors from this surgery will do it" and the pain is so bad that in the six weeks it takes to change surgery I'll be in so much pain without relief that I'll have no choice but to ctb. Or drink all day every day to try kill the pain. I'd rather just doe and get it over with a when the time comes

I just wanted to make it through the wedding but Wednesday this woman will decide my fate hey.

The pain is so bad nothing but morphine kills it. I'm tired f the fight of trying to prove. My OT came out Wednesday and I told her (she's asked) what I'd do f it stops. I told her I have re played this scenario in my head for two year so and I'd rather put myself down. She's started crying and said she will see me next Wednesday afternoon once I find out what's ha happenong but know what she gonna happen. I have emergency supply of pain meds that will last me about ten days and after that' I'll just ctb.

I considered looking on the deep web on the markets there but idk. It will cost me an arm and a leg to keep buying morphine. I don't know why I a mess still here. I'm waiting for N from A now. Xxx
They use every excuse

"It's addictive"
We'll all my occupational therapists have written letters to say I can't move any distance without severe pain like I can't even get out of bed until I've had the morphine and I don't drink or take drugs but OT even said it's unlikely they will listen to her.

Ticking time bomb now I potentially have 15 days to go. Thank you doctors who worry more about addiction than quality of life.

 

[jake3d]

Thanks so much Lara
I'm very lucky that my partner/fiancée is pro choice and supports my decision if the times comes where I'll constantly be in torment (we talk about it all the time) and I know it seems wrong but I like that they get it. My doctor surgery warned me a yet ago that morphine isn't for long term even though I've been on it for two years they said the day will come where they stop it so it seems it's time cause I've been called in. He said "no doctors from this surgery will do it" and the pain is so bad that in the six weeks it takes to change surgery I'll be in so much pain without relief that I'll have no choice but to ctb. Or drink all day every day to try kill the pain. I'd rather just doe and get it over with a when the time comes

That's so fucked up that doctors won't keep giving you the medication you need to continue living! Thank the abusers for that. Can't you get put on a fentanyl patch?

I considered looking on the deep web on the markets there but idk. It will cost me an arm and a leg to keep buying morphine. I don't know why I a mess still here. I'm waiting for N from A now. Xxx

Fentanyl may be your answer, it is not terribly expensive and it's incredibly potent. You can get that on the deep web and should seriously consider that as an option.

 

[Jen0804]

Thank you jake Hun

Yeah it sounds good I just don't know where on deep web I see reliable so if anyone's knows where I could look please PM me

Xx

 

[jake3d]

Ask the doctors first, maybe they don't like you being on morphine but could write you a prescription for fentanyl patches for your chronic pain.

 

[Soul]

Ohhh beautiful @Jen0804 - is there no chance at all that your doctor will relent? If you tell them you're getting married and need to get through that day without crippling pain - at least that could give you time to change doctors?

And as @Lara Francis said, you're not going to be thought of as anything but a lovely kind person. You shine with it.

 

[Lara Francis]

Thanks so much Lara
I'm very lucky that my partner/fiancée is pro choice and supports my decision if the times comes where I'll constantly be in torment (we talk about it all the time) and I know it seems wrong but I like that they get it. My doctor surgery warned me a yet ago that morphine isn't for long term even though I've been on it for two years they said the day will come where they stop it so it seems it's time cause I've been called in. He said "no doctors from this surgery will do it" and the pain is so bad that in the six weeks it takes to change surgery I'll be in so much pain without relief that I'll have no choice but to ctb. Or drink all day every day to try kill the pain. I'd rather just doe and get it over with a when the time comes

I just wanted to make it through the wedding but Wednesday this woman will decide my fate hey.

The pain is so bad nothing but morphine kills it. I'm tired f the fight of trying to prove. My OT came out Wednesday and I told her (she's asked) what I'd do f it stops. I told her I have re played this scenario in my head for two year so and I'd rather put myself down. She's started crying and said she will see me next Wednesday afternoon once I find out what's ha happenong but know what she gonna happen. I have emergency supply of pain meds that will last me about ten days and after that' I'll just ctb.

I considered looking on the deep web on the markets there but idk. It will cost me an arm and a leg to keep buying morphine. I don't know why I a mess still here. I'm waiting for N from A now. Xxx
They use every excuse

"It's addictive"
We'll all my occupational therapists have written letters to say I can't move any distance without severe pain like I can't even get out of bed until I've had the morphine and I don't drink or take drugs but OT even said it's unlikely they will listen to her.

Ticking time bomb now I potentially have 15 days to go. Thank you doctors who worry more about addiction than quality of life.

Gosh this is so wrong,i am sorry xx

 

[Jen0804]

Thank you x
The only good thing about this Is my partner understands and isn't trying to get me detained for wanting to leave.

 

[Person]

Thanks so much Lara
I'm very lucky that my partner/fiancée is pro choice and supports my decision if the times comes where I'll constantly be in torment (we talk about it all the time) and I know it seems wrong but I like that they get it. My doctor surgery warned me a yet ago that morphine isn't for long term even though I've been on it for two years they said the day will come where they stop it so it seems it's time cause I've been called in. He said "no doctors from this surgery will do it" and the pain is so bad that in the six weeks it takes to change surgery I'll be in so much pain without relief that I'll have no choice but to ctb. Or drink all day every day to try kill the pain. I'd rather just doe and get it over with a when the time comes

I just wanted to make it through the wedding but Wednesday this woman will decide my fate hey.

The pain is so bad nothing but morphine kills it. I'm tired f the fight of trying to prove. My OT came out Wednesday and I told her (she's asked) what I'd do f it stops. I told her I have re played this scenario in my head for two year so and I'd rather put myself down. She's started crying and said she will see me next Wednesday afternoon once I find out what's ha happenong but know what she gonna happen. I have emergency supply of pain meds that will last me about ten days and after that' I'll just ctb.

I considered looking on the deep web on the markets there but idk. It will cost me an arm and a leg to keep buying morphine. I don't know why I a mess still here. I'm waiting for N from A now. Xxx
They use every excuse

"It's addictive"
We'll all my occupational therapists have written letters to say I can't move any distance without severe pain like I can't even get out of bed until I've had the morphine and I don't drink or take drugs but OT even said it's unlikely they will listen to her.

Ticking time bomb now I potentially have 15 days to go. Thank you doctors who worry more about addiction than quality of life.

Hi Jen, I'm sorry you are suffering so.
Completely different circumstances, but when my son was born, he was on morphine. After a while the doctors changed it to fentynal. They said this was because after a while it is addictive, but your body also becomes tolerant to it and it becomes less effective so they have to change it in order to still manage the pain.
He was on fentynal for a while before being switched back to morphine again for the same reasons.
Could this be what the doctors are considering for you? Surely they wouldn't completely withdraw pain relief if you desperately need it?

 

[Jen0804]

Hi person

Thank you for replying
I really don't think they are wanting to go any higher than the morphine and I really don't feel they would give me fentanyl as they are aware I'm a risk of suicide so they'll probably want to put me on something less strong .. the problem is weaker painkillers don't work for me as my opioid tolerance is high. Like an example is I used to. Be invited 60mg codeine & 100mg tramadol taken together and would still be in pain. The morphine works but it seems they want to take it. I can only pray

That's why I can't get my head around it why they would want to take away my ability to move without being in so much pain, I'll basically be bed bound in living hell without relief... and I'm dreading it. It's already taken away my career my social life , my precious time with family, my summers, my winters, my sanity and my will to live.

I hope it goes ok. I'll be ctb anyway I just wanted to get through the wedding and spend two more months before my partners visa expires. It's all I wanted. My final bottle is half full and now I'm looking at it just thinking yeah,,,, this is the end.

Partner told me to look on the net and see what I can find. It will probably be expensive but still the pain is hell so I will probably just go for it if I'm lucky to find somewhere reliable.

Hope your son is ok now x

 

[TimeToDie]

Surely they wouldn't completely withdraw pain relief if you desperately need it?

Oh, yes, they would. Plenty of chronic pain patients are getting screwed over by our "opioid epidemic." Doctors are paranoid about prescribing opioid medications. Even if a doctor damn well knows that opioids are needed they are too afraid to risk their medical license by prescribing the amount they really believe is needed.

Patients who can't get the meds they need will turn to the black market for things like heroin, which may be laced with fentanyl which could kill them. If they die from this then they become part of that "opioid epidemic" which was used in the first place as a reason to deny them adequate medication.

Now one might think to turn to medical marijuana, but that again is a big problem since docs want to drug screen pain patients and they don't allow folks to use pot and get opioids at the same time.

 

[Jen0804]

Oh, yes, they would. Plenty of chronic pain patients are getting screwed over by our "opioid epidemic." Doctors are paranoid about prescribing opioid medications. Even if a doctor damn well knows that opioids are needed they are too afraid to risk their medical license by prescribing the amount they really believe is needed.

Patients who can't get the meds they need will turn to the black market for things like heroin, which may be laced with fentanyl which could kill them. If they die from this then they become part of that "opioid epidemic" which was used in the first place as a reason to deny them adequate medication.

Now one might think to turn to medical marijuana, but that again is a big problem since docs want to drug screen pain patients and they don't allow folks to use pot and get opioids at the same time.

Yes!!!!!

.... today is the day. If they stop my pain relief I'll be ctb within 48 hours no second thoughts I'll just do it

I've never felt high on it. It just gave me ability to physically move without feeling like I'd been hit by a lorry.

My partner and my OT are coming, I know they both know deep down that losing my meds will be the death of me.

I hope they know I'm grateful they tried all they could. You're right about the dark net, I considered that as a back up but you're right there's other risks involved then you die and become part of the opioid crisis they are on about in the first place

 

[TimeToDie]

I've never felt high on it. It just gave me ability to physically move without feeling like I'd been hit by a lorry.

A friend is on Vicodin and she worries about addiction. She's disabled by arthritis and she never gets high or abuses it any way. Yet society has convinced her that she must be addicted. I tell her that she's dependent -- which is fully expected -- though that definitely is not the same as addiction. Addiction is seeking a high no matter how damaging it may be. For example, somebody who intentionally injures themself just so they can go to the ER and get some drugs. Or someone who blows random dudes in a dark alley to pay for her heroin fix. It should be obvious that such cases are totally different from a chronic pain patient that's allowed to function due to meds that control their pain. Such a patient is being helped, not harmed.

 

[Jen0804]

A friend is on Vicodin and she worries about addiction. She's disabled by arthritis and she never gets high or abuses it any way. Yet society has convinced her that she must be addicted. I tell her that she's dependent -- which is fully expected -- though that definitely is not the same as addiction. Addiction is seeking a high no matter how damaging it may be. For example, somebody who intentionally injures themself just so they can go to the ER and get some drugs. Or someone who blows random dudes in a dark alley to pay for her heroin fix. It should be obvious that such cases are totally different from a chronic pain patient that's allowed to function due to meds that control their pain. Such a patient is being helped, not harmed.

Agree 100%