akira.kewl
joy is a scam made by dentists to sell more smiles
- Dec 4, 2025
- 6
I plan to CTB this New Years, January 1st. To make sure it's something I absolutely won't regret, I've been keeping a log ~45 days in advance where each day, I log whether or not I want to do it. This will not only help me make the most rational decision, but it may also help to dismantle my SI because if I think "am I taking a permanent solution to a temporary problem?" I can check my log and see that it is not just an occasional feeling that'll go away. Of course, I've been feeling this way for much longer than 45 days, but I can't exactly read my mind in the past... However I have felt this way my whole life, even in early childhood, despite not being abused or anything like that.
I want to do it much sooner than this, but I unfortunately took too long to make my decision to plan a date. People have already bought Christmas gifts for me, and it'd be cruel to not see those through. It still unsettles me to know people will be spending all of that money on me just for it to go down the drain, but at least I've given myself a week or so to enjoy what I receive. If I set my date any sooner, I risk spending Christmas in the hospital if I fail, and if I set it any later, I'll lose my mind and impulsively do it sooner. Luckily, there's less than a month left to wait now.
My plan is partial hanging. I'll be using a cord of some sort, tying it to the bar in my closet, and sitting/kneeling down. I have specific knots planned but I don't remember the names, but they're written in my notes. I'll be positioning it in a way that it'll compress my carotid artery, and I should hopefully pass out within seconds. I was originally planning on keeping scissors next to me in case I regret it, but honestly, it might be better not to. I'll be closing the door of my closet and putting a small note on the outside as not to traumatize my family with my body. They'd probably look anyway, but don't say I didn't warn you...
I have some meds, but I don't have any way to get SN, which is why I'm going with hanging instead. However I may still be able to use them to assist me. I have lorazepam, albeit a single pill in a very small dose... but it may at least take the edge off of my SI. I also have beta blockers, not sure if that'd help me to pass out and actually pass quicker due to less blood going to my brain? Let me know on that one. I have more meds but I doubt they'd be any help, so it may be worth it to just not take my morning doses as not to sabotage myself.
Of course, I plan to log out of my embarrassing accounts first, but I don't think I'm gonna bother with this one. It's hidden within a private folder that requires a password (not to mention you'd need to notice a specific button to activate it in the first place) but even if it were found, everyone already knows I'm suicidal, nobody would be shocked to find this. I just hope that if they do, they don't think you guys convinced me to do this... no, it's the other way around: I'm only here because of pre-existing thoughts. The only thing you guys did was stop me from making it more painful! The way I was planning to do it before I signed up was going to compress my trachea...
To be honest, my only regret is that I won't be able to see people's reactions. I want to see who actually cared, or at least will pretend to, and I want to see if anyone will have the audacity to rejoice. But unfortunately, I won't be getting that privilege. So there's this little voice in my head that is hoping that I'll fail... but this wouldn't exactly be the most pleasant method to fail, especially if nobody finds me for a long time. I don't want to end up a vegetable. So I guess I'll have to just imagine the aftermath, use it as a way to console myself as I tie the knot... of course, attention isn't the reason I'll be doing it, it's just a motivator. I want people to finally care, I want people to stop being so mean every time I dare to exist, even if the solution is to just stop existing.
Umm yeah, there's probably some finer details I forgot to add, along with some things I'll add or remove. Let me know your thoughts on my current plan. I won't be adding an entire sob story as to why I'm doing it because I'm way too tired for that bullshit (in the literal sense, it's almost 3 A.M.).
I want to do it much sooner than this, but I unfortunately took too long to make my decision to plan a date. People have already bought Christmas gifts for me, and it'd be cruel to not see those through. It still unsettles me to know people will be spending all of that money on me just for it to go down the drain, but at least I've given myself a week or so to enjoy what I receive. If I set my date any sooner, I risk spending Christmas in the hospital if I fail, and if I set it any later, I'll lose my mind and impulsively do it sooner. Luckily, there's less than a month left to wait now.
My plan is partial hanging. I'll be using a cord of some sort, tying it to the bar in my closet, and sitting/kneeling down. I have specific knots planned but I don't remember the names, but they're written in my notes. I'll be positioning it in a way that it'll compress my carotid artery, and I should hopefully pass out within seconds. I was originally planning on keeping scissors next to me in case I regret it, but honestly, it might be better not to. I'll be closing the door of my closet and putting a small note on the outside as not to traumatize my family with my body. They'd probably look anyway, but don't say I didn't warn you...
I have some meds, but I don't have any way to get SN, which is why I'm going with hanging instead. However I may still be able to use them to assist me. I have lorazepam, albeit a single pill in a very small dose... but it may at least take the edge off of my SI. I also have beta blockers, not sure if that'd help me to pass out and actually pass quicker due to less blood going to my brain? Let me know on that one. I have more meds but I doubt they'd be any help, so it may be worth it to just not take my morning doses as not to sabotage myself.
Of course, I plan to log out of my embarrassing accounts first, but I don't think I'm gonna bother with this one. It's hidden within a private folder that requires a password (not to mention you'd need to notice a specific button to activate it in the first place) but even if it were found, everyone already knows I'm suicidal, nobody would be shocked to find this. I just hope that if they do, they don't think you guys convinced me to do this... no, it's the other way around: I'm only here because of pre-existing thoughts. The only thing you guys did was stop me from making it more painful! The way I was planning to do it before I signed up was going to compress my trachea...
To be honest, my only regret is that I won't be able to see people's reactions. I want to see who actually cared, or at least will pretend to, and I want to see if anyone will have the audacity to rejoice. But unfortunately, I won't be getting that privilege. So there's this little voice in my head that is hoping that I'll fail... but this wouldn't exactly be the most pleasant method to fail, especially if nobody finds me for a long time. I don't want to end up a vegetable. So I guess I'll have to just imagine the aftermath, use it as a way to console myself as I tie the knot... of course, attention isn't the reason I'll be doing it, it's just a motivator. I want people to finally care, I want people to stop being so mean every time I dare to exist, even if the solution is to just stop existing.
Umm yeah, there's probably some finer details I forgot to add, along with some things I'll add or remove. Let me know your thoughts on my current plan. I won't be adding an entire sob story as to why I'm doing it because I'm way too tired for that bullshit (in the literal sense, it's almost 3 A.M.).
