Kabalite
Black Heart
- Jul 17, 2026
- 30
Hello everyone,
New member but been lurking here a while. I always figured I'd go out on my own terms. Long story short, my life has fallen apart over the last few months and I'm living a stressful, empty, lonely, miserable life where I'm just breathing and surviving each day with no future to look forward to. The life I had before is gone and it's not coming back and memories of the job I had, the friends I made there, the woman I loved there, and the life I could have had if I'd made different choices haunt me every moment. It is all my fault though. I made choices that didn't align with my heart, and I'm reaping the consequences. I am a draining, parasitic, bitter, depressive, and lonely person and I have only hurt my family, friends, and former lovers more times than I can count because I am incapable of having a healthy, normal relationship. Love has done nothing for me but cause pain to myself and everyone around me.
I live with my dad, who is now retired and always home and on my ass. He means well. I just fuck everything up and fail everyone. In August though he, my mom and my brother are taking a trip somewhere. I will not be able to go for various reasons, which is fine by me. Nobody else will be around or will check in on me but them and they'll be gone, so I should have plenty of time in the middle of the night to do this. I have no doubt they'll call me several times a day to check in, but once night comes around they should be asleep and I should have my chance. Once they are gone I plan on exiting. I will wait until the next to last day before they come back, I will schedule texts to those in my life that I have hurt and those that are still around before I do it, roughly 10-12 or so hours from when I start. My plan is to make sure my car and my brother's are filled with gas, put them both in the garage, stuff and tape towels around any gaps in the garage doors, and leave them both running for a few hours. I will put my dog outside with plenty of water, and I think I will also use the charcoal method. If I understand it correctly I need to get a BBQ grill, light the coals (2kg or so I guess), and wait about an hour until they're evenly warmed. At that point I'll dump them into a separate bucket, put that in another bucket with some water in it (so it's not so hot that it's uncomfortable in the car due to the heat), and set that on a pair of bricks on the floor in the back of my car behind the front seats. Last November my brother (who is very forgetful let's say) left his car in the garage running for about 12 hours, and everyone in the house was taken to the hospital to check for CO poisoning. I know modern cars don't give off CO like old ones do, but from experiencing it last year I can say his car did a good job at filling up the space and seeping into the rest of the house. I figure two cars doing that for a few hours and continuing to idle while I sit in mine, combined with the charcoal on the floor in the back, should be enough. I will stay up for 24 hours at least prior so I'm tired, and I will take some pills to help me sleep and down some wine or something too. I've lost a lot of weight (I was already thin) recently due to my depression, and I've never eaten much anyway, so it shouldn't take much to get me at least feeling dizzy. I'm a lightweight with alcohol. I might do a few shots of vodka instead, but I always liked wine most. Once all of this is done I'll sit in my car with some music playing low and my messages scheduled, put the driver chair back, wait to fall asleep, and I hope to not wake up.
I will tell a couple of people in the scheduled texts to call 911 and I will leave the back door unlocked so they can come in, and I will inform the people I text of this and that there will be CO so they can inform the 911 operator. I'd rather they find me than my family and I also don't want them walking in not knowing. I will leave notes just past the unlocked back door, the door to the garage, and my car door all warning of the danger of CO so nobody else is affected. I'm hoping it works out. I will look more into the charcoal thing before I do this of course, to make sure I get it right. I'd rather not wake up a vegetable with brain damage or anything. I'm hoping I don't wake up at all.
Alternatively I have looked into partially suspended hanging and might do that too, but I think I need to understand it better first. I thought I read on here somewhere that a tie will work, and I practiced tying a slipknot with one and connecting it to the metal pole in my closet. It seemed pretty tight and capable I guess, but again I have to get it right. If I try any of these I need them to succeed the first time since I won't have this opportunity again. I would try SN but from what I understand it's very difficult to get now, at least in the US and I don't have easy access to any of the other things required to make that viable.
I'm not terribly afraid of death. I've never been religious but if there is a God I figure he can judge me accordingly. If that's the case my destination is certainly hell, both for CTB and for how awful a person I am. But I'm hoping death leads to either nothingness (as it was for the billions of years before I was born) or into another life. Hopefully one where she and I can be together with no complications. Where I can make up for all the mistakes and the pain I caused her. Whatever way I guess I'll find out.
Thanks for reading my story. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. My problems in my life are entirely of my own making. I am my own worst enemy and have only done things to further hurt myself over the last year, and others around me have been affected too. The shame, regret, guilt and paranoia I feel at all times of the day and night make eating, sleeping and looking toward any kind of future impossible. I think it would be better if I just left.
New member but been lurking here a while. I always figured I'd go out on my own terms. Long story short, my life has fallen apart over the last few months and I'm living a stressful, empty, lonely, miserable life where I'm just breathing and surviving each day with no future to look forward to. The life I had before is gone and it's not coming back and memories of the job I had, the friends I made there, the woman I loved there, and the life I could have had if I'd made different choices haunt me every moment. It is all my fault though. I made choices that didn't align with my heart, and I'm reaping the consequences. I am a draining, parasitic, bitter, depressive, and lonely person and I have only hurt my family, friends, and former lovers more times than I can count because I am incapable of having a healthy, normal relationship. Love has done nothing for me but cause pain to myself and everyone around me.
I live with my dad, who is now retired and always home and on my ass. He means well. I just fuck everything up and fail everyone. In August though he, my mom and my brother are taking a trip somewhere. I will not be able to go for various reasons, which is fine by me. Nobody else will be around or will check in on me but them and they'll be gone, so I should have plenty of time in the middle of the night to do this. I have no doubt they'll call me several times a day to check in, but once night comes around they should be asleep and I should have my chance. Once they are gone I plan on exiting. I will wait until the next to last day before they come back, I will schedule texts to those in my life that I have hurt and those that are still around before I do it, roughly 10-12 or so hours from when I start. My plan is to make sure my car and my brother's are filled with gas, put them both in the garage, stuff and tape towels around any gaps in the garage doors, and leave them both running for a few hours. I will put my dog outside with plenty of water, and I think I will also use the charcoal method. If I understand it correctly I need to get a BBQ grill, light the coals (2kg or so I guess), and wait about an hour until they're evenly warmed. At that point I'll dump them into a separate bucket, put that in another bucket with some water in it (so it's not so hot that it's uncomfortable in the car due to the heat), and set that on a pair of bricks on the floor in the back of my car behind the front seats. Last November my brother (who is very forgetful let's say) left his car in the garage running for about 12 hours, and everyone in the house was taken to the hospital to check for CO poisoning. I know modern cars don't give off CO like old ones do, but from experiencing it last year I can say his car did a good job at filling up the space and seeping into the rest of the house. I figure two cars doing that for a few hours and continuing to idle while I sit in mine, combined with the charcoal on the floor in the back, should be enough. I will stay up for 24 hours at least prior so I'm tired, and I will take some pills to help me sleep and down some wine or something too. I've lost a lot of weight (I was already thin) recently due to my depression, and I've never eaten much anyway, so it shouldn't take much to get me at least feeling dizzy. I'm a lightweight with alcohol. I might do a few shots of vodka instead, but I always liked wine most. Once all of this is done I'll sit in my car with some music playing low and my messages scheduled, put the driver chair back, wait to fall asleep, and I hope to not wake up.
I will tell a couple of people in the scheduled texts to call 911 and I will leave the back door unlocked so they can come in, and I will inform the people I text of this and that there will be CO so they can inform the 911 operator. I'd rather they find me than my family and I also don't want them walking in not knowing. I will leave notes just past the unlocked back door, the door to the garage, and my car door all warning of the danger of CO so nobody else is affected. I'm hoping it works out. I will look more into the charcoal thing before I do this of course, to make sure I get it right. I'd rather not wake up a vegetable with brain damage or anything. I'm hoping I don't wake up at all.
Alternatively I have looked into partially suspended hanging and might do that too, but I think I need to understand it better first. I thought I read on here somewhere that a tie will work, and I practiced tying a slipknot with one and connecting it to the metal pole in my closet. It seemed pretty tight and capable I guess, but again I have to get it right. If I try any of these I need them to succeed the first time since I won't have this opportunity again. I would try SN but from what I understand it's very difficult to get now, at least in the US and I don't have easy access to any of the other things required to make that viable.
I'm not terribly afraid of death. I've never been religious but if there is a God I figure he can judge me accordingly. If that's the case my destination is certainly hell, both for CTB and for how awful a person I am. But I'm hoping death leads to either nothingness (as it was for the billions of years before I was born) or into another life. Hopefully one where she and I can be together with no complications. Where I can make up for all the mistakes and the pain I caused her. Whatever way I guess I'll find out.
Thanks for reading my story. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. My problems in my life are entirely of my own making. I am my own worst enemy and have only done things to further hurt myself over the last year, and others around me have been affected too. The shame, regret, guilt and paranoia I feel at all times of the day and night make eating, sleeping and looking toward any kind of future impossible. I think it would be better if I just left.
Last edited:
