my mind is always jumping from recovery to suicide

[marabellasol]

i'm all over the place, i don't know if i truly want to even recover, i'm harmful to my loved ones, if i was smart then i would at the very least cut them off

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

i'm all over the place, i don't know if i truly want to even recover, i'm harmful to my loved ones, if i was smart then i would at the very least cut them off

I feel the exact same way at times, at least the "all over the place" part. I'm more committed to trying to recover, but my mind does occasionally bounce back to suicidal thoughts. I hope we can both find peace in recovery, you have my condolences for what it's worth.

 

[Ksmиda]

It happens - it's unlikely that you'll want to recover for long stretches of time, the suicidal feeling eventually comes back.
I agree with the part of not knowing if you want to recover, one day life is great and I want to live and the next I think about how nice it would be to shoot myself. I get myself to try to recover by thinking that if I'm going to kill myself anyway, I might as well try to make my days better before I do it.
It really is difficult.
I hope you get better

 

[just_a_guy]

I can relate to this, no matter how good things are going, suicide is always there lingering in my head

 

[vipatherappa]

Yeah it's really frustrating. One minute you're having a great day, being active and happy, and then the second you recall of something that triggers the tumor in your psyche where your suicidal thoughts lie, you feel awful for the rest of the day just stewing on your regrets. It's a cycle that's so difficult to stop, even when you're on medication. I'm prescribed antidepressants that I have to take daily and I still have suicidal ideation

 

[just_a_guy]

Yeah it's really frustrating. One minute you're having a great day, being active and happy, and then the second you recall of something that triggers the tumor in your psyche where your suicidal thoughts lie, you feel awful for the rest of the day just stewing on your regrets. It's a cycle that's so difficult to stop, even when you're on medication. I'm prescribed antidepressants that I have to take daily and I still have suicidal ideation

Exactly like this, those fucking triggers. And it can sometimes be something so small but next minute you're daydreaming about blowing your head off

 

[azukigirl]

i'm all over the place, i don't know if i truly want to even recover, i'm harmful to my loved ones, if i was smart then i would at the very least cut them off

i relate to this a lot and hope you can get the support and love you need ♡♡ sending care ;w;

 

[Dangerdonkey333]

I 100% get it. The struggle can be very stressful, exhausting even. But it's also a good thing. You are fighting against it. Like with any struggle though, a little help goes a long way. You are already doing such a good job being able to shake it off, even if just momentarily. I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.

 

[Pinkliquid12]

Exactly like this, those fucking triggers. And it can sometimes be something so small but next minute you're daydreaming about blowing your head off

I'll just be walking my dog, thinking about how afterwards I need to finish an assignment, and then I'll just think "what if I just died". I kind of have to laugh at how quickly my mind can turn. Depression is definitely not something that can be cured, it can just be treated.

 

[marabellasol]

I feel the exact same way at times, at least the "all over the place" part. I'm more committed to trying to recover, but my mind does occasionally bounce back to suicidal thoughts. I hope we can both find peace in recovery, you have my condolences for what it's worth.

thank you i have no clue what im doing lmao, i've self sabotaged myself, i don't know if there is any going back

Exactly like this, those fucking triggers. And it can sometimes be something so small but next minute you're daydreaming about blowing your head off

honestly! this sums it up perfectly, i don't know how to explain it to my friends and i don't want to tell the gp to be honest

 

[Maeve]

Feel you especially the self sabotaging thing
Im currently trying recovery but it feels like I'm just delusional

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Been there before. Depending on your situation, recovery is either likely or unlikely, so the choice should be obvious. By being indecisive, you are honestly just prolonging your misery. You have to either choose recovery or suicide, then you will be at peace. Your inability to choose probably leads to self-sabotage, which only makes your life worse.

I chose recovery in the end because I figured that my life was salvageable. I have money to meet my survival needs and I have enough free time to do things that are enjoyable for me. I am also generally likable and can make friends if I went out more.

 

[BlockHammer]

This thing happened to me when either im alone, i dont have anyone (even my friend) to talk. Or, if something relly bad happened to me, but usually my mind isn't jumping from happy to suicide that often.

 

[whateverr]

i'm all over the place, i don't know if i truly want to even recover, i'm harmful to my loved ones, if i was smart then i would at the very least cut them off

I'm in the exact same situation.