[Poll] Sent my mental health team a very honest email. Reckon I’ll be locked up in a psych ward?

[NZkiwi]

Sent this to my mental health team just now
Posting maybe thinking being transparent with my journey might help someone
I have not much to hide anymore
Let's see if i get locked up in a psych ward
Let's see if I recover

I'm gonna regret this email in the morning
Maybe it's self harm lol sending it
My aim is to not be locked up in a psych ward


*****
Kia ora @@@@@@ team,

I am safe.
I am regulated.
I am not at risk right now.

I am not ordering anything to kill myself
I have stopped self harming (my mind)
I am going to bed and will take meds
In sos I will call 111

Didn't feel comfortable calling crisis line, as I can't really speak this out. I also don't think I'm gonna kill myself tonight. Suicide hotline isn't open after midnight. 1737 has a long wait time.

Just wanted to explain part of the reason why I'm writing emails rather than calling

When I was under the mental health act in Sydney, I remeber the nurse saying to me "don't waste our time", and I was really distraught. I was trying my best to be a "good boy" and was just trying to negotiate clean part of underpants (got them on day 3), and a tooth brush, toothpaste. I don't want to waste your teams time when I can send a (non-urgent) email. I wasn't. trying to waste the time of the nz public helath sector :(

I'll discuss this with the clinical psychologist come tuesday (sorry, forgot their name)
I think I've been self harming my mind. I don't cut, I don't want attention and it doesn't ground me. (it's also at my age, no longer "cool" to self harm or be "depressed/suicidal", so part of me wishes i would get busy dieing or get busy living - this middle ground sucks)

Over the last couple of days I've been continuing planning how to kill myself (I don't have a date and I am not setting one) ie writing up suicide/"good bye" notes, learning how to tie a slip knot. (A little ashamed and disgusted with myself) Tonight I watched a video of a live streamer hang themselves. Part of me was disgust with myself, part was sorrow for the person . Another part of me was "oh, that's not too bad", and feel idk regulated/calmed/reassured. Made the gap between not possible and probably smaller.
I was talking to a close friend (&&&&&&& - in safety plan) and she mentioned how she has food noise, and ED and how it's similar to my suicidal ideation. We explored togeather how my behaviour engaging in sucidal ideation might be self harm (of the mind) even though I don't cut physically and bleed.
I guess framing my suicidal ideation as "food noise" made it easier for me to label, but I guess I also recognise I have these maladaptive coping stratagies that "indulge" in the suicidal ideation to feel better

Part of me recognises that I'm unwell and I need help. I haven't run this week and that's an early warning sign. I probably need to go for a long run to clear my mind.

Part of me wonders if this suicidal ideation is not noise, but a signal/sign/emergent from my existance (no I'm not hearing voices) saying yeah, maybe it's reasonable to kill myself given everything that has happened. Unsure if it's maladaptive, given how common this is.
I'm 50/50 on killing myself and staying alive (but happy to continue engaging with psych as long as I don't end up in a psych ward. I told my friend ####### ($$$$$$$ partner, they do talk) if I end up in a psych ward again once I get out I will kill myself, I feel bad for telling her that). I guess saying that outloud means I want to work with ^^^^^ team so i don't get sectioned under the act :/ really scares me

I'm gonna regret sending this email so I'm just gonna send it and deal with the consequences later
I am safe
Regulated
Not gonna kill myself tonight
I'm gonna stop overthinking
Gonna take my meds now

In sos I will call 111
sorry if this was disturbing to read
see you tuesday

Ngā mihi,
NZkiwi

 

[SuicidalCheese]

I don't think you're going to get warded, but you will probably have to keep one of the next few days open for an appointment.

 

[Mgelanie]

Sent this to my mental health team just now
Posting maybe thinking being transparent with my journey might help someone
I have not much to hide anymore
Let's see if i get locked up in a psych ward
Let's see if I recover

I'm gonna regret this email in the morning
Maybe it's self harm lol sending it
My aim is to not be locked up in a psych ward


*****
Kia ora @@@@@@ team,

I am safe.
I am regulated.
I am not at risk right now.

I am not ordering anything to kill myself
I have stopped self harming (my mind)
I am going to bed and will take meds
In sos I will call 111

Didn't feel comfortable calling crisis line, as I can't really speak this out. I also don't think I'm gonna kill myself tonight. Suicide hotline isn't open after midnight. 1737 has a long wait time.

Just wanted to explain part of the reason why I'm writing emails rather than calling

When I was under the mental health act in Sydney, I remeber the nurse saying to me "don't waste our time", and I was really distraught. I was trying my best to be a "good boy" and was just trying to negotiate clean part of underpants (got them on day 3), and a tooth brush, toothpaste. I don't want to waste your teams time when I can send a (non-urgent) email. I wasn't. trying to waste the time of the nz public helath sector :(

I'll discuss this with the clinical psychologist come tuesday (sorry, forgot their name)
I think I've been self harming my mind. I don't cut, I don't want attention and it doesn't ground me. (it's also at my age, no longer "cool" to self harm or be "depressed/suicidal", so part of me wishes i would get busy dieing or get busy living - this middle ground sucks)

Over the last couple of days I've been continuing planning how to kill myself (I don't have a date and I am not setting one) ie writing up suicide/"good bye" notes, learning how to tie a slip knot. (A little ashamed and disgusted with myself) Tonight I watched a video of a live streamer hang themselves. Part of me was disgust with myself, part was sorrow for the person . Another part of me was "oh, that's not too bad", and feel idk regulated/calmed/reassured. Made the gap between not possible and probably smaller.
I was talking to a close friend (&&&&&&& - in safety plan) and she mentioned how she has food noise, and ED and how it's similar to my suicidal ideation. We explored togeather how my behaviour engaging in sucidal ideation might be self harm (of the mind) even though I don't cut physically and bleed.
I guess framing my suicidal ideation as "food noise" made it easier for me to label, but I guess I also recognise I have these maladaptive coping stratagies that "indulge" in the suicidal ideation to feel better

Part of me recognises that I'm unwell and I need help. I haven't run this week and that's an early warning sign. I probably need to go for a long run to clear my mind.

Part of me wonders if this suicidal ideation is not noise, but a signal/sign/emergent from my existance (no I'm not hearing voices) saying yeah, maybe it's reasonable to kill myself given everything that has happened. Unsure if it's maladaptive, given how common this is.
I'm 50/50 on killing myself and staying alive (but happy to continue engaging with psych as long as I don't end up in a psych ward. I told my friend ####### ($$$$$$$ partner, they do talk) if I end up in a psych ward again once I get out I will kill myself, I feel bad for telling her that). I guess saying that outloud means I want to work with ^^^^^ team so i don't get sectioned under the act :/ really scares me

I'm gonna regret sending this email so I'm just gonna send it and deal with the consequences later
I am safe
Regulated
Not gonna kill myself tonight
I'm gonna stop overthinking
Gonna take my meds now

In sos I will call 111
sorry if this was disturbing to read
see you tuesday

Ngā mihi,
NZkiwi

Why would the Nurse say that ):

 

[NZkiwi]

Why would the Nurse say that ):

Was in the emergcy room being watched by a gaurd cause there were no beds in the psych ward and I guess they were just busy... still hurt.. had to negotiate for a shower etc

thanks for the empathy friend

I don't think you're going to get warded, but you will probably have to keep one of the next few days open for an appointment.

Yeah seeing them tomorrow so let's see what happends

I guess cause I'm putting my "actions" on hold and i'm not dysregulated, and I'm still reachable, and my friends are looking out for me means I'm more likely to be safe at home (i guess like house arrest vs being chucked in prison)

 

[LilGhost]

Sent this to my mental health team just now
Posting maybe thinking being transparent with my journey might help someone
I have not much to hide anymore
Let's see if i get locked up in a psych ward
Let's see if I recover

I'm gonna regret this email in the morning
Maybe it's self harm lol sending it
My aim is to not be locked up in a psych ward


*****
Kia ora @@@@@@ team,

I am safe.
I am regulated.
I am not at risk right now.

I am not ordering anything to kill myself
I have stopped self harming (my mind)
I am going to bed and will take meds
In sos I will call 111

Didn't feel comfortable calling crisis line, as I can't really speak this out. I also don't think I'm gonna kill myself tonight. Suicide hotline isn't open after midnight. 1737 has a long wait time.

Just wanted to explain part of the reason why I'm writing emails rather than calling

When I was under the mental health act in Sydney, I remeber the nurse saying to me "don't waste our time", and I was really distraught. I was trying my best to be a "good boy" and was just trying to negotiate clean part of underpants (got them on day 3), and a tooth brush, toothpaste. I don't want to waste your teams time when I can send a (non-urgent) email. I wasn't. trying to waste the time of the nz public helath sector :(

I'll discuss this with the clinical psychologist come tuesday (sorry, forgot their name)
I think I've been self harming my mind. I don't cut, I don't want attention and it doesn't ground me. (it's also at my age, no longer "cool" to self harm or be "depressed/suicidal", so part of me wishes i would get busy dieing or get busy living - this middle ground sucks)

Over the last couple of days I've been continuing planning how to kill myself (I don't have a date and I am not setting one) ie writing up suicide/"good bye" notes, learning how to tie a slip knot. (A little ashamed and disgusted with myself) Tonight I watched a video of a live streamer hang themselves. Part of me was disgust with myself, part was sorrow for the person . Another part of me was "oh, that's not too bad", and feel idk regulated/calmed/reassured. Made the gap between not possible and probably smaller.
I was talking to a close friend (&&&&&&& - in safety plan) and she mentioned how she has food noise, and ED and how it's similar to my suicidal ideation. We explored togeather how my behaviour engaging in sucidal ideation might be self harm (of the mind) even though I don't cut physically and bleed.
I guess framing my suicidal ideation as "food noise" made it easier for me to label, but I guess I also recognise I have these maladaptive coping stratagies that "indulge" in the suicidal ideation to feel better

Part of me recognises that I'm unwell and I need help. I haven't run this week and that's an early warning sign. I probably need to go for a long run to clear my mind.

Part of me wonders if this suicidal ideation is not noise, but a signal/sign/emergent from my existance (no I'm not hearing voices) saying yeah, maybe it's reasonable to kill myself given everything that has happened. Unsure if it's maladaptive, given how common this is.
I'm 50/50 on killing myself and staying alive (but happy to continue engaging with psych as long as I don't end up in a psych ward. I told my friend ####### ($$$$$$$ partner, they do talk) if I end up in a psych ward again once I get out I will kill myself, I feel bad for telling her that). I guess saying that outloud means I want to work with ^^^^^ team so i don't get sectioned under the act :/ really scares me

I'm gonna regret sending this email so I'm just gonna send it and deal with the consequences later
I am safe
Regulated
Not gonna kill myself tonight
I'm gonna stop overthinking
Gonna take my meds now

In sos I will call 111
sorry if this was disturbing to read
see you tuesday

Ngā mihi,
NZkiwi

I have been upfront with some of my attempts with my psychologist and it went just fine. I didn't end up in psych ward, tho those appointments were pretty useless for me. I dunno if the rules same in your country tho, but in Canada, Ontario they put you in psych ward only if you are at immediate danger to yourself. Like if during the appointment your therapist will decide that you gonna end it all once at home- they going to make you stay. I once literally told my therapist "Yeah if [X] will happen, I'll hang myself" and because [X] didn't happen yet they let me go. I was also explaining my last attempts and how I am really wanna make another one, but still "holding up" (which was bullshit by the way). I also told my therapist about my sh and she just explained me how to do so safely. Also, rlly cool from you for speaking up about it honestly, cause it is scary af.

Technically your safety should be your medical advisor's priority, so considering how distressed you are about psych wards, they should be putting you there, unless you start next appointment with "Today is the day"

I do hope your mental health team are good people and they'll actually help. Good luck and good on you for fighting

 

[NZkiwi]

@LilGhost this is really reassuring

thank you for your wisdom

 

[Mgelanie]

Was in the emergcy room being watched by a gaurd cause there were no beds in the psych ward and I guess they were just busy... still hurt.. had to negotiate for a shower etc

thanks for the empathy friend

I am so sorry NZkiwi

 

[Chili]

Sent this to my mental health team just now
Posting maybe thinking being transparent with my journey might help someone
I have not much to hide anymore
Let's see if i get locked up in a psych ward
Let's see if I recover

I'm gonna regret this email in the morning
Maybe it's self harm lol sending it
My aim is to not be locked up in a psych ward


*****
Kia ora @@@@@@ team,

I am safe.
I am regulated.
I am not at risk right now.

I am not ordering anything to kill myself
I have stopped self harming (my mind)
I am going to bed and will take meds
In sos I will call 111

Didn't feel comfortable calling crisis line, as I can't really speak this out. I also don't think I'm gonna kill myself tonight. Suicide hotline isn't open after midnight. 1737 has a long wait time.

Just wanted to explain part of the reason why I'm writing emails rather than calling

When I was under the mental health act in Sydney, I remeber the nurse saying to me "don't waste our time", and I was really distraught. I was trying my best to be a "good boy" and was just trying to negotiate clean part of underpants (got them on day 3), and a tooth brush, toothpaste. I don't want to waste your teams time when I can send a (non-urgent) email. I wasn't. trying to waste the time of the nz public helath sector :(

I'll discuss this with the clinical psychologist come tuesday (sorry, forgot their name)
I think I've been self harming my mind. I don't cut, I don't want attention and it doesn't ground me. (it's also at my age, no longer "cool" to self harm or be "depressed/suicidal", so part of me wishes i would get busy dieing or get busy living - this middle ground sucks)

Over the last couple of days I've been continuing planning how to kill myself (I don't have a date and I am not setting one) ie writing up suicide/"good bye" notes, learning how to tie a slip knot. (A little ashamed and disgusted with myself) Tonight I watched a video of a live streamer hang themselves. Part of me was disgust with myself, part was sorrow for the person . Another part of me was "oh, that's not too bad", and feel idk regulated/calmed/reassured. Made the gap between not possible and probably smaller.
I was talking to a close friend (&&&&&&& - in safety plan) and she mentioned how she has food noise, and ED and how it's similar to my suicidal ideation. We explored togeather how my behaviour engaging in sucidal ideation might be self harm (of the mind) even though I don't cut physically and bleed.
I guess framing my suicidal ideation as "food noise" made it easier for me to label, but I guess I also recognise I have these maladaptive coping stratagies that "indulge" in the suicidal ideation to feel better

Part of me recognises that I'm unwell and I need help. I haven't run this week and that's an early warning sign. I probably need to go for a long run to clear my mind.

Part of me wonders if this suicidal ideation is not noise, but a signal/sign/emergent from my existance (no I'm not hearing voices) saying yeah, maybe it's reasonable to kill myself given everything that has happened. Unsure if it's maladaptive, given how common this is.
I'm 50/50 on killing myself and staying alive (but happy to continue engaging with psych as long as I don't end up in a psych ward. I told my friend ####### ($$$$$$$ partner, they do talk) if I end up in a psych ward again once I get out I will kill myself, I feel bad for telling her that). I guess saying that outloud means I want to work with ^^^^^ team so i don't get sectioned under the act :/ really scares me

I'm gonna regret sending this email so I'm just gonna send it and deal with the consequences later
I am safe
Regulated
Not gonna kill myself tonight
I'm gonna stop overthinking
Gonna take my meds now

In sos I will call 111
sorry if this was disturbing to read
see you tuesday

Ngā mihi,
NZkiwi

Maybe, honestly. You'll probably at least be asked to do a crisis assessment as soon as they can get ahold of you. The 50/50 part and the planning part is what is gonna throw up red flags for your therapist. If they're a GOOD therapist, they're not going to throw you into the slammer for just having SI. But, also, what is wrong with that nurse? Huh?

What country are you in? The suicide hotline is open 24/7 in the states. Who gives a shit if you're not american, use it and just lie about your zip code. 988, and they have a chat function on their website

Things sound really shitty right now, dude, and I'm sorry to hear it. Truly. If your goal is to recover, I hope it goes well.