self harm, social anxiety & i'm scared

[3spiral]

i don't know exactly why did i start it, and i thought it was gonna be "just a phase", but ever since i realized self harm "cures" my social anxiety it has been escalating in frequency and intensity pretty quickly

i make shallow cuts, i just want a little bit of pain and blood. and i also don't do it daily, just at least 2-3 times a week, usually. i wouldn't say i'm addicted, or that there's anything serious about them, but it is kind of becoming an habit and i don't want to stop. i'm hoping at least writting it down breaks this, because now i wish i have never tried it in the first place, even though i knew that i probably would do that again if i had a chance to go back

i wish it was something simple as just finding other ways of expressing, like journaling, but i literally can't leave my house comfortably without cutting myself anymore

my life doesn't have to be this bad, but i can't stop walking down the same path. i'm just scared of where is it going to lead

i don't have access to mental health services for medication or anything either

i don't even know what do i want with this post tbh, i'm just scared :/ but for now i can only wait and see if things get better

 

[simji_is_offline]

I'm actually writing here now to avoid self-harm. I struggled with what I'd call an addiction to self-harm for many years. I haven't done so in a while. It takes time. I think slowly the discomfort got a little easier to bear and the feeling of relief of having not done so after coming down from my anxiety started to become a carrot on a stick. The best way to break a habit is to replace it with a different one. One thing that helped me early on to get that pain response in a safe way was eating really hot cinnamon candies - sounds silly but it worked. Hope you can find something that works for you <3 best of luck

 

[melon-melancholy]

I'm actually writing here now to avoid self-harm. I struggled with what I'd call an addiction to self-harm for many years. I haven't done so in a while. It takes time. I think slowly the discomfort got a little easier to bear and the feeling of relief of having not done so after coming down from my anxiety started to become a carrot on a stick. The best way to break a habit is to replace it with a different one. One thing that helped me early on to get that pain response in a safe way was eating really hot cinnamon candies - sounds silly but it worked. Hope you can find something that works for you <3 best of luck

I have to try that method, I've self harmed for a few years but the scars are really starting to bother me now since I have brown skin my scars are darker than the rest of my body.

 

[infinitanocte]

I don't have any advice to offer and what simji_is_offline suggested sounds pretty good. Just wanted to send you some hugs and say I'm sorry you're dealing with that. For me, social anxiety has been like a little monster that controls what I do. You're brave to try and confront that monster, and I hope you can find a way that will be less harmful to yourself.

 

[webb&flow]

i don't know exactly why did i start it, and i thought it was gonna be "just a phase", but ever since i realized self harm "cures" my social anxiety it has been escalating in frequency and intensity pretty quickly

It is permissible to want. It is okay to want some peace, and this desire to want some relaxation, this desire to feel good, it is not bad at all.

I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of rejecting pleasure and praising pain arose.

I will disclose that whole thing itself,
which was said by that inventor of truth, like the architect of the good life.

No one rejects, dislikes or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure;
but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure by rationality encounter great pains.

And there is no one who loves pain itself, pursues it, and wants to snag it, because it is pain;
but because occasionally, such times arise, that for labor and great pain, one might seek pleasure.

—Cicero [De Finibus 1:34]

Your selfharm actually stems from a deeper desire for selfcare. Selfharm for you is an earnest attempt at emotional healing, at reducing the amount of pain in your life. Selfharm in your life is a coping mechanism.

But selfharm as a coping mechanism quickly falls off in its relief, leaving more pain than release.

There are far better ways to ease your pain <3.

i wouldn't say i'm addicted, or that there's anything serious about them, but it is kind of becoming an habit and i don't want to stop. i'm hoping at least writting it down breaks this, because now

I think there is actually a part of you that consciously recognizes that this could get out of hand, a part of you that wants to resort to other means of relieving pain <3.

I want to indulge you in an earnest thought experiment <3. If you found yourself unable to selfharm, what do you feel you would do instead?

i wish it was something simple as just finding other ways of expressing, like journaling, but i literally can't leave my house comfortably without cutting myself anymore

I think you might be addicted to selfharm. this doesn't mean you've "failed"; it just means that a dependence on one particular way of engaging with your emotions has emerged. This is something that is learned, and so it can be unlearned too :).

my life doesn't have to be this bad, but i can't stop walking down the same path. i'm just scared of where is it going to lead

<3 you always always always have the power to steer your life, dear spiral . i know that where it leads may be scary; but there is so much you can do to influence your own path :). as well as the paths available too! ^^

i don't even know what do i want with this post tbh, i'm just scared :/ but for now i can only wait and see if things get better

there is always so much more to do than wait

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take a notebook + a pencil and start writing random things furiously into it. this is violent and expressive. It might not match the level of violence experienced in selfharm; but maybe it can be the start of a shift away from selfharm, and it can help feed creative energies too <3<3. Fueling anxiety and pain into creative energies can be really effective ♥.

Selfharm is painfully unfeasible as coping mechanism; because it wears itself out quite quickly, and the good quickly fades, leaving exhaustion. It's like trying to masturbate over and over again all in one session. It requires more and more effort, with weaker rewards each time. Our body needs breaks to fuel itself; it needs true resolution; and I think selfharm just can't give you what you desire most spiral ♥. It isn't where it's at, it's not what will truly resolve pain <3.

What can truly resolve pain is discovering which needs that currently point towards selfharm, and slowly engaging new, alternative methods of engaging with pain, that can both channel that energy better as well as truly heal and fulfill those needs better <3.

selfharm quickly goes from "hell yeah hit it" to a slog of despair, with apathetic sighs. it exhausts a person mentally and physically. You deserve a better life experience than this, and there are so many other practices that can give this to you

Self Harm Resources

This post is written by @Dot, I am just the messenger Self Harm It's known that there are many users on the forum who self harm for different reasons. This thread is focused mostly on habitual or impulsive/physical self harm. This thread has not been made for any glorification of self harm...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

I know I never gave a proper list of alternative hobbies or selfharm alternatives.

Some different methods to help with urges can include:

• 'Urge surfing' (click for worksheet) for which there is a complimentary meditation
• Distractions - click for a downloadable and printable sheet of distraction methods
• Exercises to help emotional overwhelm which can be found here
• There are also products available as an alternative which are designed to help reduce self-harm such as the Self-Harm Recovery Pen
• FatalToTheFleshCom - A site which replicates self harm injury without causing direct harm in order to help harmers calm down during urges

The SH recovery pen recreates the feeling without breaking skin, even has optional inks that simulate the healing process

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I also just found this absolutely lovely thread with some truly insightful responses as well. I hope it's of interest, Spiral.

So tired of feeling this way, need to self-harm

I'm so tired of feeling so fucking bad all the time. Just sad or angry for no reason. I want to hurt myself so bad and I've been clean for about 2 months-ish. Cutting myself seriously feels like the only thing that can bring me any relief because life feels so impossibly unbearable. I keep...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

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I want to indulge you in an earnest thought experiment <3. If you found yourself unable to selfharm, what do you feel you would do instead?

 

[3spiral]

I want to indulge you in an earnest thought experiment <3. If you found yourself unable to selfharm, what do you feel you would do instead?

i've been in situations in which i couldn't before, like being around people or in school. i usually wait until i can, unless i'm not overwhelmed anymore when that time comes
i've been trying to resist urges when i feel like i truly don't need it or that i can face it without it. but last time i went to sleep very anxious because of it, woke up multiple times during the night and had nightmares that felt very real in which my parents were constantly trying to hurt me, among other bad things happening, including the topic of sh. in the dream i kept trying to hide the blades inside my mouth (for some reason???) and well obviously it got all cut

however, i did find that looking at pictures with blood or simulating self harm with red ink calms me down in the moment, even if it doesnt give the same effect usual self harm does

i don't think i am a lost or terrible case though. even though my self harm got worse, i feel like i'm getting much better dealing with my social anxiety. i just can't tell if those are actually related

anyway thank you web<3 your answers are always so thoughtful

 

[webb&flow]

i've been in situations in which i couldn't before, like being around people or in school. i usually wait until i can, unless i'm not overwhelmed anymore when that time comes
i've been trying to resist urges when i feel like i truly don't need it or that i can face it without it.

holy shit congratulations <3<3

but last time i went to sleep very anxious because of it, woke up multiple times during the night

What do you feel is weighing on you most these days?

High stress can produce more cortisol. Cortisol is what rushes into the brain immediately after waking up. If there is a lot of cortisol in your body, it can wake you up; even in the middle of the night.

and had nightmares that felt very real in which my parents were constantly trying to hurt me, among other bad things happening, including the topic of sh. in the dream i kept trying to hide the blades inside my mouth (for some reason???) and well obviously it got all cut

I think dreams are our brain's way of trying to make sense of things. Art made by the brain… fascinating, isn't it?

in the dream i kept trying to hide the blades inside my mouth (for some reason???) and well obviously it got all cut

Here is how I personally interpret your dream: we try to stuff away our emotions (the blades) deep inside some of our softest regions (our mouth), trying to hide them away; but these very emotions we try to hide end up cutting us more when stuffed away inside.

however, i did find that looking at pictures with blood or simulating self harm with red ink calms me down in the moment, even if it doesnt give the same effect usual self harm does

<3<3 yes that's perfect

there are even dedicated "selfharm pens" to help out with this too :)

• Self-Harm Recovery Pen

I encourage you to stick to these alternatives ♥; the looking at pictures with blood, or using red ink instead <3. i'm so so glad you explored these alternatives!!! ^^

i don't think i am a lost or terrible case though. even though my self harm got worse, i feel like i'm getting much better dealing with my social anxiety. i just can't tell if those are actually related

yes congratulations!!!! <3

I think it is because the more one selfharms, the more exhausting and desensitizing it gets; whereas the more one interacts with the source of anxiety in a way that results in safety-affirming experiences, the better the anxiety gets. It slowly undoes the conditioning that can lead to social anxiety in the first place: the acidic threat of social rejection. The idea that "no one would want to talk to me". Most beliefs like that come from negative experiences or from other people insulting. Positive social experiences relieve anxiety over time in a way that goes beyond what words can say immediately. They literally rewire your brain stream-by-stream into a more harmonious social & personal existence <3.

i'm really really glad that you feel in-tune with the possibilities available to you <3<3

you're such a gem and you have a valuable and thoughtful perspective on the struggles you experience .

anyway thank you web<3 your answers are always so thoughtful

thank you so much i appreciate this so much; thank you so much for your appreciation

i've been in situations in which i couldn't before, like being around people or in school. i usually wait until i can, unless i'm not overwhelmed anymore when that time comes

what do you feel are some things that overwhelm you?

 

[3spiral]

What do you feel is weighing on you most these days?

it's hard for me to explain because it's something that is completely in my head. i'm always thinking that everything i do is shameful, that i'm not enough of a human being because i don't know how to act like one, that it's impossible for me to be lovable because other people will think i'm stupid and useless and not want to be around me anymore. sh shuts down these thoughts, even if just for a day or two. that and also social anxiety stuff, being overwhelmed in public etc. it's like suddenly i get the ability to function without overthinking. i'm not sure about the mechanisms behind it, and i thought i could be imagining things even though it was felt very unlikely considering the way i was acting, so i searched a bit and i did find research that says that self harm does help to deal with uncertainty in social anxiety

it feels like the intensity of managing to slide the blade through my skin matches with the overwhelm of freezing in front of other people. which is so ridiculous because, i could just be exhisting like everybody else. instead i'm being overwhelmed :/ for no fucking reason

I think dreams are our brain's way of trying to make sense of things. Art made by the brain… fascinating, isn't it?

i have a lot of weird dreams involving my parents lol they are disturbing i wish they could stop. i mean not "a lot" but it did happen some times. more than i wish they had

the more one interacts with the source of anxiety in a way that results in safety-affirming experiences, the better the anxiety gets.

funny thing is, self harm helps me interact with the source of anxiety which helps me get safety-affirming experiences. so i guess it... kind of works positively aswell?

what do you feel are some things that overwhelm you?

well i think that it's just feeling like i'm doing or might do something socially wrong. probably related to the feelings of shame, but especially when i'm down i feel like i'm doing something wrong at all times. it's like the way i do everything is simply wrong and just wrong for the simple reason that it is me doing it

i hate being this way. i don't know why am i this way. i don't know exactly what went wrong with me or when. i don't know if everyone feels this way either because every time i say that i wish i could be normal my friend is like eh everyone feels like there's something wrong with them
it's like i'm just mildly weirder than the average population and also extremely sensitive to judgement and other's perceptions which lead me to developing feelings of chronic shame

 

[infinitanocte]

it's hard for me to explain because it's something that is completely in my head. i'm always thinking that everything i do is shameful, that i'm not enough of a human being because i don't know how to act like one, that it's impossible for me to be lovable because other people will think i'm stupid and useless and not want to be around me anymore. sh shuts down these thoughts, even if just for a day or two. that and also social anxiety stuff, being overwhelmed in public etc. it's like suddenly i get the ability to function without overthinking. i'm not sure about the mechanisms behind it, and i thought i could be imagining things even though it was felt very unlikely considering the way i was acting, so i searched a bit and i did find research that says that self harm does help to deal with uncertainty in social anxiety

Sorry to cut back in, hopefully that's okay. I used to really struggle with social anxiety and sometimes I still do in smaller ways. Self-esteem, too. Apologies if I say stuff you already know, it's not my intention to be condescending or anything.

Sometimes the brain tells us lies about ourself, and these lies may have come from the way people treat us, or the way they talk about us. Maybe there have been times where people have wrongfully hurt you, made assumptions or hurtful remarks about you, which means that it really isn't just in your head. Those moments may have mistakenly taught you these painful thoughts about yourself. Even if it is in your head only, it's real and impacts you. Though this may not apply to you, when I think about where my self-esteem issues or social anxiety started or may have stemmed from, I think of how other people have treated me.

When I was a kid, the way other people treated me or talked to me made me feel like I was a bad child, useless, annoying, bratty, etc. and I internalized that. It's easy to tell how it affected me when I look at my diaries as a kid writing things like that about myself. It's honestly hard to read. It's natural as a kid to believe the things people say about you, or even as an adult it's easy to absorb it too. We are always learning about ourselves, and especially as a kid when so much is yet unknown to us, or when people in authority say things about us. But those things are not always true. It's a double-edged sword, since other people's words and behavior can uplift us or warp the way we see ourselves. This is my personal experience, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had similar experiences.

You are so incredibly human and the way you communicate and think about your situation shows that you are most definitely smart and competent, too. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all these overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

funny thing is, self harm helps me interact with the source of anxiety which helps me get safety-affirming experiences. so i guess it... kind of works positively aswell?

This does makes sense because it's a coping mechanism for you for a reason. But I agree with flow, the more that you experience positive or neutral results/experiences from doing the things that make you anxious, the more it will overwrite that these things are things you should feel anxious about. Although you might still feel a bit anxious, it may be more bearable, or you may feel more neutral or hopeful about it. Kind of like how getting on stage can be nerve-wracking, but you feel more comfortable the more you do it. It's about teaching your body that it's safe and things are okay when you engage in certain experiences or interactions.

i have a lot of weird dreams involving my parents lol they are disturbing i wish they could stop. i mean not "a lot" but it did happen some times. more than i wish they had

Do these dreams appear to be bizarre and completely unrelated to real life? I wonder if it's a sign of the emotional turmoil you're experiencing. Otherwise, I wonder if your parents are a big stressor for you in your life.

well i think that it's just feeling like i'm doing or might do something socially wrong. probably related to the feelings of shame, but especially when i'm down i feel like i'm doing something wrong at all times. it's like the way i do everything is simply wrong and just wrong for the simple reason that it is me doing it

i hate being this way. i don't know why am i this way. i don't know exactly what went wrong with me or when. i don't know if everyone feels this way either because every time i say that i wish i could be normal my friend is like eh everyone feels like there's something wrong with them
it's like i'm just mildly weirder than the average population and also extremely sensitive to judgement and other's perceptions which lead me to developing feelings of chronic shame

Lots of hugs to you!
I used to worry a lot about doing something socially wrong. I would worry about drawing people's attention if I got up during class to grab a tissue or came in the door, even though people's attention are naturally drawn to noise, and it wasn't because I did anything wrong. I was also very shy, so that was a part of why I was so anxious. I often felt like I was dumb or didn't know things that other people knew, and I would worry about people thinking badly of me. I used to also think, it's okay if I'm weird because it makes me special, or other people are the ones that are wrong anyway, but at the same time, I would also still worry about being weird, haha. I'm also quite sensitive to criticism, which is something I'm still working on.
To an extent, it's natural to worry about judgement from other people and not want to be ostracized. But it sounds like this is causing you a lot of pain.

I don't think everyone feels like something is wrong with them all the time. I used to feel like things were very wrong with me a lot of the time, that I was wrong and bad. For me, I feel that it was related to my upbringing/childhood like I described earlier. Having a negative self-concept can be a dimension of CPTSD (of course, among other things). But you may be different, as I'm not sure what your experiences have been.

I want to tell you that you are not wrong. You are in a lot of pain and doing your best to fight through it with limited resources. Those negative thoughts about yourself are not true, and never have been. The truth is, you are brave and kind. And you are loveable.

 

[3spiral]

first of all thanks a lot for replying with this, it felt very validating to read through it all because i always think my issues are so small. this is genuinely the only place in which i ever felt understood by other people

everything you said truly meant a lot to me, so thanks. i'm gonna reply to a couple of those

Do these dreams appear to be bizarre and completely unrelated to real life? I wonder if it's a sign of the emotional turmoil you're experiencing. Otherwise, I wonder if your parents are a big stressor for you in your life.

i'm not sure about what what do you mean exactly with this, but they are unrelated to real life in the sense of they would never actually happen, but they are not abstract (?) or completely nonsensical. i can't say my parents have never hurt me before, but it was only verbally and in that dream they kept coming after me just to tie me up and torture me or something

my mom is just complicated to me because she's a little unpredictable. she can be an awesome person one moment and then another she's telling some horrible shit to me and just being very mean for no reason. besides i always feel like i'm closer to being her "project" than an actual daughter lol

Having a negative self-concept can be a dimension of CPTSD (of course, among other things). But you may be different, as I'm not sure what your experiences have been.

i certainly don't have something like cptsd or ptsd, but i might be a mildly traumatized by growing up being told i was stupid, useless, lazy, slow, etc. i genuinely cannot remember any time of my life in which i didn't know i was slower and a little less capable than everyone else. i guess every important person in my life told me these things, which make them likely true... at least, in the perception of what society expects of me. i'm also really insecure around relationships. i can't really share the things i think, feel and enjoy with others and i also start doubting that the people that really matter to me actually like me because i can't believe how would they manage to love me, which makes me want to distance myself from them

 

[infinitanocte]

i'm not sure about what what do you mean exactly with this, but they are unrelated to real life in the sense of they would never actually happen, but they are not abstract (?) or completely nonsensical. i can't say my parents have never hurt me before, but it was only verbally and in that dream they kept coming after me just to tie me up and torture me or something

my mom is just complicated to me because she's a little unpredictable. she can be an awesome person one moment and then another she's telling some horrible shit to me and just being very mean for no reason. besides i always feel like i'm closer to being her "project" than an actual daughter lol

Kind of sounds like those dreams represent how they make you feel and how they have hurt you. Even if they hurt you verbally and not physically, it sounds like they have made you feel unsafe, and to our brain, danger is danger and it does not differentiate between physical or verbal threats/hurt.
I'm assuming you live with your parents? Your mom being unpredictable sounds like a nightmare to live with. This sounds like a recipe for hypervigilance and anxiety. Growing up I saw my family sometimes as unpredictable as well. For me, they were not always really mean, but they lose their temper more easily or otherwise don't regulate their emotions well, which often would bounce back on me and make me feel that I could not predict their next actions or how they would treat me. The dangerous thing is that when we are in these situations again and again, we start to expect it. I used to be hypervigilant and have an exaggerated startle response. I would be on edge, wondering if something bad would happen soon. But it's really tiring to be constantly worrying about what will happen, or about if we'll do something wrong. And, to our brain, inconsistency is danger, while consistency is safety. This is why an unpredictable person or situation is very threatening to us, and this is also why people may go back to their abusers or be unable to leave a bad situation—to them, that consistency has become safety, while leaving that means an unpredictable and thereby dangerous situation. In trauma-informed environments, consistency is very important to build safety for people.

i certainly don't have something like cptsd or ptsd, but i might be a mildly traumatized by growing up being told i was stupid, useless, lazy, slow, etc. i genuinely cannot remember any time of my life in which i didn't know i was slower and a little less capable than everyone else. i guess every important person in my life told me these things, which make them likely true... at least, in the perception of what society expects of me. i'm also really insecure around relationships. i can't really share the things i think, feel and enjoy with others and i also start doubting that the people that really matter to me actually like me because i can't believe how would they manage to love me, which makes me want to distance myself from them

I'm so sorry to hear that people have said these things to you. They are not true. And what society thinks is often wrong.
This is a side-note, but laziness is not real. That is a lie concocted by our capitalistic society. Being tired and needing rest—that is real. Different people going at a different pace or having different capacities—that is also real.
It is a crying shame that the important people in your life do not see the real you and tear you down. If you have any leeway with any of these people, I wonder if you could distance yourself a little from the people who hurt you and get closer to the people who do appreciate and love you in a way that feels right.

Honestly, I have a hard time making and keeping relationships and am also often a bit insecure in them. I worry that other people see someone that I'm not, and that once they realize that I'm not what they think I am, they will not like me anymore. I worry that they'll discover all the flaws I have, how ugly I am inside. That's why sometimes I try not to share how I feel about certain things or show how close-minded, cruel or selfish I might really be inside. And I don't want people to see me as someone that I don't believe I am, so sometimes I only share certain or surface aspects of myself with others. But people refute me, telling me that to be loved, you must first give up the fear of being known—something I can find difficult to let go of. I also sometimes worry that people who are friendly to me have an ulterior motive, or that they are only kind to me because I can give them something in return, no matter what that might be. The skeptic in me says there is no such thing as unconditional love, like, or acceptance.

But sometimes when I do share my thoughts and feelings with certain people, I see that they respond well, or they accept that I have my weaknesses, as do they. Things like, I'm disorganized, or I procrastinate, or sometimes I complain a lot. And they appreciate when I'm silly or fun, or how I'm excited or passionate about certain things, even if those are different from what they like. The hopeful in me says, there is conditional love, like and acceptance, and I fall within those lines for those people. Those are the right people for me, as I am the right person for them.

I don't think I will ever be completely honest or trusting of someone. But I can be somewhat trusting of someone, given enough time and effort on both sides. Maybe what you need is more time, too. And maybe some help and gentleness, as we all do. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing. I think things can be hard to change or work on sometimes when you only have yourself to rely on. I know that I have been very privileged to have had some help, warmth and choices.

You mentioned that you don't have access to mental health services or medication, but I hope that at least this community will continue to be helpful for you, or that maybe there are some kind presences in your life. Do you think you might have access to some services in the future? Although it's not a panacea, but it could be worth a try.

Also, whether you have a label or not, the fact stands that you have been hurt and are hurting. No one is allowed to decide what your experiences have been but you.

Sending you lots of love ♡

 

[3spiral]

Kind of sounds like those dreams represent how they make you feel and how they have hurt you

I'm assuming you live with your parents? Your mom being unpredictable sounds like a nightmare to live with.

yeah, it kind of does. i still live with them even though i'm probably gonna move out next year. i don't want to say they are bad though, 90% of the time it's alright. my mother specially is just complicated because she can't have a conversation without shouting and can't see other people's point of view either. so it's always just a competition of who can scream the loudest to make the other shut up, probably over something stupid that didn't even need a fight in the first place
i guess that i don't see either of them as safe for talking about anything because of it, and i really want to get out. i don't want to devalue everything they did for me though

I'm so sorry to hear that people have said these things to you. They are not true. And what society thinks is often wrong.
This is a side-note, but laziness is not real. That is a lie concocted by our capitalistic society. Being tired and needing rest—that is real. Different people going at a different pace or having different capacities—that is also real.
It is a crying shame that the important people in your life do not see the real you and tear you down. If you have any leeway with any of these people, I wonder if you could distance yourself a little from the people who hurt you and get closer to the people who do appreciate and love you in a way that feels right.

first of all, thanks. and i'm sorry that you've felt this way too. in the recent years, these people got better. of course i will always be the "useless" and "weird" friend but that's not an everyday thing anymore and i guess i just became used to them repeating those things over and over again in my teenage years. same with my parents. i don't think i will talk that much with these people after i move to a different city, anyway

Honestly, I have a hard time making and keeping relationships and am also often a bit insecure in them. I worry that other people see someone that I'm not, and that once they realize that I'm not what they think I am, they will not like me anymore. I worry that they'll discover all the flaws I have, how ugly I am inside. That's why sometimes I try not to share how I feel about certain things or show how close-minded, cruel or selfish I might really be inside.

that's so relatable! i always think people are just trying to be nice/polite when they talk to me but in reality they think i'm gross(?) and don't want me there, so i always stay at a distance. i think it doesn't really matter how much someone shows that they enjoy my company, if it's not frequent enough then i will start thinking they actually just tolerate me and if i know for sure that they like me then i will start believing that i'm probably deceiving them because it makes no sense for anyone to like me

and i also hate the contradiction when i try to talk about what i feel with other people! for example my friend said those are normal feelings, because everyone keeps certain things to themselves because no one is truly completely likeable. but then when i start showing that i think he might hate me and asking for validation he asks me why would i think someone who has been around me for years might hate me. it's like people don't take me seriously when i say it and then show they clearly don't know what are they talking about when these things happen in reality

Do you think you might have access to some services in the future?

yes, i probably will! i'm looking forward to it, but tbf i've been dealing with and solving my mental issues alone for all this time that i don't believe that i might even need it anymore

anyway, thank you so much for answering me so warmly, wishing you well <3

 

[infinitanocte]

first of all, thanks. and i'm sorry that you've felt this way too. in the recent years, these people got better. of course i will always be the "useless" and "weird" friend but that's not an everyday thing anymore and i guess i just became used to them repeating those things over and over again in my teenage years. same with my parents. i don't think i will talk that much with these people after i move to a different city, anyway

I'm glad to hear that you will be moving away to a different city! My heart goes out to you. Those people don't appreciate you and how much you have to offer. They're the weird ones and wrong for treating you that way.

that's so relatable! i always think people are just trying to be nice/polite when they talk to me but in reality they think i'm gross(?) and don't want me there, so i always stay at a distance. i think it doesn't really matter how much someone shows that they enjoy my company, if it's not frequent enough then i will start thinking they actually just tolerate me and if i know for sure that they like me then i will start believing that i'm probably deceiving them because it makes no sense for anyone to like me

I often have had similar thoughts about people just being nice/polite to me but not actually wanting to spend time with me or talk to me!! And yeah, I've also thought it must be because people see me differently from my true self or whatnot.

and i also hate the contradiction when i try to talk about what i feel with other people! for example my friend said those are normal feelings, because everyone keeps certain things to themselves because no one is truly completely likeable. but then when i start showing that i think he might hate me and asking for validation he asks me why would i think someone who has been around me for years might hate me. it's like people don't take me seriously when i say it and then show they clearly don't know what are they talking about when these things happen in reality

Did he sound like he didn't understand or didn't believe you? I agree that people may not understand the extent to which our anxieties go. They say everyone experiences certain things, but don't understand how deeply it affects some of us or how much it can consume us. A little niggling thought that goes away can be a bit different from a consistent preoccupation that's been fueled by prior experiences.

I know you didn't ask for this, so I offer it knowing you might not want it. But I wanted to share this link on cognitive distortions and restructuring them. As the article mentions, automatic, inaccurate and exaggerated thoughts can warp how you see your experiences, and it can also affect how you cope with or respond to things.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/challe...g-positive-outlooks#examples-of-restructuring
My therapist shared a pdf with me before on different cognitive distortions and how to challenge them, which I found interesting (and a little helpful). What has been more useful for me is when I've shared thoughts with my therapist and they gently push back on certain thoughts or cognitive distortions and then suggest a different thought or reframe in a more neutral or positive way. I kind of think about it like having a negative bias that's being slowly corrected, like braces on crooked teeth.

For example (hoping you don't mind here), if people don't show you that they enjoy your company, does that automatically mean that they only tolerate you? What about people who are not very expressive or not in the habit of showing that they enjoy other peoples company? Would they continue to choose to spend time with you if they only tolerated you and didn't enjoy it? Do you always show other people when you enjoy their company? Does it come naturally, or at an effort? When you only tolerate someone but don't particularly like them, do you choose to spend time with them again and again?
Hopefully these questions weren't too annoying. Someone else might be able to address it in a better way. Maybe you felt something rising up to refute them as you read them. Or maybe you felt puzzled and unable to answer. No matter what, I think it can be a useful thing to consider and reshape your understanding of yourself or your experiences in a way that is less painful or discouraging and more accepting.
The thing about this, however, is that I'd say it is more helpful if you aren't in a situation where people aren't actively giving you input by mistreating you or saying hurtful things to you that would reinforce these beliefs or ways of thinking. That's why I'm happy to hear you will be leaving those people behind soon.

yes, i probably will! i'm looking forward to it, but tbf i've been dealing with and solving my mental issues alone for all this time that i don't believe that i might even need it anymore

That's good to hear! I think it could still be worth a try. Professionals can have some more tools in their back pocket they can teach you or lend you. The more people you can get on your side to help you fight what you're going through, the better (assuming they are all solid people). And sometimes when you get help, you realize there are even more things you have been affected by that you have simply become used to or forgotten about. At least, I think there was a lot for me that I didn't realize affected me until I was talking about it to people. If something doesn't work out, you can always try someone else or something else. It can take time to see progress, but it's worth it because you are worth it.

 

[3spiral]

Did he sound like he didn't understand or didn't believe you? I agree that people may not understand the extent to which our anxieties go. They say everyone experiences certain things, but don't understand how deeply it affects some of us or how much it can consume us. A little niggling thought that goes away can be a bit different from a consistent preoccupation that's been fueled by prior experiences.

i guess he just didn't understand... it's weird to me because he's diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, i'd expect a little bit more of understanding. i usually take it very seriously when other people say or shows that something is deeply affecting their life in negative way

My therapist shared a pdf with me before on different cognitive distortions and how to challenge them, which I found interesting (and a little helpful). What has been more useful for me is when I've shared thoughts with my therapist and they gently push back on certain thoughts or cognitive distortions and then suggest a different thought or reframe in a more neutral or positive way.

that's actually super useful! thank you so much! especially because it's also interesting for me to learn about
i believe you still have your own issues to deal with, but you speak like someone who is very much currently at peace with certain things, or at least in a promising journey to be there. at least that's the impression i had lol. so thanks, it felt nice talking to you, and i will definitely check that link :)

 

[infinitanocte]

i guess he just didn't understand... it's weird to me because he's diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, i'd expect a little bit more of understanding. i usually take it very seriously when other people say or shows that something is deeply affecting their life in negative way

I think that goes to show how empathetic and caring you are as a person!

that's actually super useful! thank you so much! especially because it's also interesting for me to learn about
i believe you still have your own issues to deal with, but you speak like someone who is very much currently at peace with certain things, or at least in a promising journey to be there. at least that's the impression i had lol. so thanks, it felt nice talking to you, and i will definitely check that link :)

And great to hear it!
Things have improved for me, though sometimes things crop up that make me doubt it & I still struggle with various things haha. I'm working on it, though!
Good luck <33 Lots of love!!!