self harm, social anxiety & i'm scared

[3spiral]

i don't know exactly why did i start it, and i thought it was gonna be "just a phase", but ever since i realized self harm "cures" my social anxiety it has been escalating in frequency and intensity pretty quickly

i make shallow cuts, i just want a little bit of pain and blood. and i also don't do it daily, just at least 2-3 times a week, usually. i wouldn't say i'm addicted, or that there's anything serious about them, but it is kind of becoming an habit and i don't want to stop. i'm hoping at least writting it down breaks this, because now i wish i have never tried it in the first place, even though i knew that i probably would do that again if i had a chance to go back

i wish it was something simple as just finding other ways of expressing, like journaling, but i literally can't leave my house comfortably without cutting myself anymore

my life doesn't have to be this bad, but i can't stop walking down the same path. i'm just scared of where is it going to lead

i don't have access to mental health services for medication or anything either

i don't even know what do i want with this post tbh, i'm just scared :/ but for now i can only wait and see if things get better

 

[simji_is_offline]

I'm actually writing here now to avoid self-harm. I struggled with what I'd call an addiction to self-harm for many years. I haven't done so in a while. It takes time. I think slowly the discomfort got a little easier to bear and the feeling of relief of having not done so after coming down from my anxiety started to become a carrot on a stick. The best way to break a habit is to replace it with a different one. One thing that helped me early on to get that pain response in a safe way was eating really hot cinnamon candies - sounds silly but it worked. Hope you can find something that works for you <3 best of luck

 

[melon-melancholy]

I'm actually writing here now to avoid self-harm. I struggled with what I'd call an addiction to self-harm for many years. I haven't done so in a while. It takes time. I think slowly the discomfort got a little easier to bear and the feeling of relief of having not done so after coming down from my anxiety started to become a carrot on a stick. The best way to break a habit is to replace it with a different one. One thing that helped me early on to get that pain response in a safe way was eating really hot cinnamon candies - sounds silly but it worked. Hope you can find something that works for you <3 best of luck

I have to try that method, I've self harmed for a few years but the scars are really starting to bother me now since I have brown skin my scars are darker than the rest of my body.

 

[infinitanocte]

I don't have any advice to offer and what simji_is_offline suggested sounds pretty good. Just wanted to send you some hugs and say I'm sorry you're dealing with that. For me, social anxiety has been like a little monster that controls what I do. You're brave to try and confront that monster, and I hope you can find a way that will be less harmful to yourself.

 

[webb&flow]

i don't know exactly why did i start it, and i thought it was gonna be "just a phase", but ever since i realized self harm "cures" my social anxiety it has been escalating in frequency and intensity pretty quickly

It is permissible to want. It is okay to want some peace, and this desire to want some relaxation, this desire to feel good, it is not bad at all.

I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of rejecting pleasure and praising pain arose.

I will disclose that whole thing itself,
which was said by that inventor of truth, like the architect of the good life.

No one rejects, dislikes or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure;
but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure by rationality encounter great pains.

And there is no one who loves pain itself, pursues it, and wants to snag it, because it is pain;
but because occasionally, such times arise, that for labor and great pain, one might seek pleasure.

—Cicero [De Finibus 1:34]

Your selfharm actually stems from a deeper desire for selfcare. Selfharm for you is an earnest attempt at emotional healing, at reducing the amount of pain in your life. Selfharm in your life is a coping mechanism.

But selfharm as a coping mechanism quickly falls off in its relief, leaving more pain than release.

There are far better ways to ease your pain <3.

i wouldn't say i'm addicted, or that there's anything serious about them, but it is kind of becoming an habit and i don't want to stop. i'm hoping at least writting it down breaks this, because now

I think there is actually a part of you that consciously recognizes that this could get out of hand, a part of you that wants to resort to other means of relieving pain <3.

I want to indulge you in an earnest thought experiment <3. If you found yourself unable to selfharm, what do you feel you would do instead?

i wish it was something simple as just finding other ways of expressing, like journaling, but i literally can't leave my house comfortably without cutting myself anymore

I think you might be addicted to selfharm. this doesn't mean you've "failed"; it just means that a dependence on one particular way of engaging with your emotions has emerged. This is something that is learned, and so it can be unlearned too :).

my life doesn't have to be this bad, but i can't stop walking down the same path. i'm just scared of where is it going to lead

<3 you always always always have the power to steer your life, dear spiral . i know that where it leads may be scary; but there is so much you can do to influence your own path :). as well as the paths available too! ^^

i don't even know what do i want with this post tbh, i'm just scared :/ but for now i can only wait and see if things get better

there is always so much more to do than wait

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take a notebook + a pencil and start writing random things furiously into it. this is violent and expressive. It might not match the level of violence experienced in selfharm; but maybe it can be the start of a shift away from selfharm, and it can help feed creative energies too <3<3. Fueling anxiety and pain into creative energies can be really effective ♥.

Selfharm is painfully unfeasible as coping mechanism; because it wears itself out quite quickly, and the good quickly fades, leaving exhaustion. It's like trying to masturbate over and over again all in one session. It requires more and more effort, with weaker rewards each time. Our body needs breaks to fuel itself; it needs true resolution; and I think selfharm just can't give you what you desire most spiral ♥. It isn't where it's at, it's not what will truly resolve pain <3.

What can truly resolve pain is discovering which needs that currently point towards selfharm, and slowly engaging new, alternative methods of engaging with pain, that can both channel that energy better as well as truly heal and fulfill those needs better <3.

selfharm quickly goes from "hell yeah hit it" to a slog of despair, with apathetic sighs. it exhausts a person mentally and physically. You deserve a better life experience than this, and there are so many other practices that can give this to you

Self Harm Resources

This post is written by @Dot, I am just the messenger Self Harm It's known that there are many users on the forum who self harm for different reasons. This thread is focused mostly on habitual or impulsive/physical self harm. This thread has not been made for any glorification of self harm...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

I know I never gave a proper list of alternative hobbies or selfharm alternatives.

Some different methods to help with urges can include:

• 'Urge surfing' (click for worksheet) for which there is a complimentary meditation
• Distractions - click for a downloadable and printable sheet of distraction methods
• Exercises to help emotional overwhelm which can be found here
• There are also products available as an alternative which are designed to help reduce self-harm such as the Self-Harm Recovery Pen
• FatalToTheFleshCom - A site which replicates self harm injury without causing direct harm in order to help harmers calm down during urges

The SH recovery pen recreates the feeling without breaking skin, even has optional inks that simulate the healing process

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I also just found this absolutely lovely thread with some truly insightful responses as well. I hope it's of interest, Spiral.

So tired of feeling this way, need to self-harm

I'm so tired of feeling so fucking bad all the time. Just sad or angry for no reason. I want to hurt myself so bad and I've been clean for about 2 months-ish. Cutting myself seriously feels like the only thing that can bring me any relief because life feels so impossibly unbearable. I keep...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

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I want to indulge you in an earnest thought experiment <3. If you found yourself unable to selfharm, what do you feel you would do instead?

 

[3spiral]

I want to indulge you in an earnest thought experiment <3. If you found yourself unable to selfharm, what do you feel you would do instead?

i've been in situations in which i couldn't before, like being around people or in school. i usually wait until i can, unless i'm not overwhelmed anymore when that time comes
i've been trying to resist urges when i feel like i truly don't need it or that i can face it without it. but last time i went to sleep very anxious because of it, woke up multiple times during the night and had nightmares that felt very real in which my parents were constantly trying to hurt me, among other bad things happening, including the topic of sh. in the dream i kept trying to hide the blades inside my mouth (for some reason???) and well obviously it got all cut

however, i did find that looking at pictures with blood or simulating self harm with red ink calms me down in the moment, even if it doesnt give the same effect usual self harm does

i don't think i am a lost or terrible case though. even though my self harm got worse, i feel like i'm getting much better dealing with my social anxiety. i just can't tell if those are actually related

anyway thank you web<3 your answers are always so thoughtful

 

[webb&flow]

i've been in situations in which i couldn't before, like being around people or in school. i usually wait until i can, unless i'm not overwhelmed anymore when that time comes
i've been trying to resist urges when i feel like i truly don't need it or that i can face it without it.

holy shit congratulations <3<3

but last time i went to sleep very anxious because of it, woke up multiple times during the night

What do you feel is weighing on you most these days?

High stress can produce more cortisol. Cortisol is what rushes into the brain immediately after waking up. If there is a lot of cortisol in your body, it can wake you up; even in the middle of the night.

and had nightmares that felt very real in which my parents were constantly trying to hurt me, among other bad things happening, including the topic of sh. in the dream i kept trying to hide the blades inside my mouth (for some reason???) and well obviously it got all cut

I think dreams are our brain's way of trying to make sense of things. Art made by the brain… fascinating, isn't it?

in the dream i kept trying to hide the blades inside my mouth (for some reason???) and well obviously it got all cut

Here is how I personally interpret your dream: we try to stuff away our emotions (the blades) deep inside some of our softest regions (our mouth), trying to hide them away; but these very emotions we try to hide end up cutting us more when stuffed away inside.

however, i did find that looking at pictures with blood or simulating self harm with red ink calms me down in the moment, even if it doesnt give the same effect usual self harm does

<3<3 yes that's perfect

there are even dedicated "selfharm pens" to help out with this too :)

• Self-Harm Recovery Pen

I encourage you to stick to these alternatives ♥; the looking at pictures with blood, or using red ink instead <3. i'm so so glad you explored these alternatives!!! ^^

i don't think i am a lost or terrible case though. even though my self harm got worse, i feel like i'm getting much better dealing with my social anxiety. i just can't tell if those are actually related

yes congratulations!!!! <3

I think it is because the more one selfharms, the more exhausting and desensitizing it gets; whereas the more one interacts with the source of anxiety in a way that results in safety-affirming experiences, the better the anxiety gets. It slowly undoes the conditioning that can lead to social anxiety in the first place: the acidic threat of social rejection. The idea that "no one would want to talk to me". Most beliefs like that come from negative experiences or from other people insulting. Positive social experiences relieve anxiety over time in a way that goes beyond what words can say immediately. They literally rewire your brain stream-by-stream into a more harmonious social & personal existence <3.

i'm really really glad that you feel in-tune with the possibilities available to you <3<3

you're such a gem and you have a valuable and thoughtful perspective on the struggles you experience .

anyway thank you web<3 your answers are always so thoughtful

thank you so much i appreciate this so much; thank you so much for your appreciation

i've been in situations in which i couldn't before, like being around people or in school. i usually wait until i can, unless i'm not overwhelmed anymore when that time comes

what do you feel are some things that overwhelm you?