Have you had sex with kids? Is this an orientation for life? Just curious how this works. If you see a child of the type you like will it still cause the urge for you? Have you groomed a child?
Congratulations on getting therapy. Just wondering how much it can help change this. I imagine this problem is based on something that happened to you as a child?
I have not physically touched any kid ever. It will stay with me until I die, it can't be changed. I will always get urges. I can just learn to accept that and live without acting on it like an alcoholic who stopped drinking.
But I watched so called child pornography in the past - which I am not doing anymore. I go to therapy for 2 years now and the therapist is pretty well known. She is probably one of the best therapists you can find in this country.
She thinks I suffer from C-PTSD (not sure about that tbh) and I had some experiences in the past. I never really had a father and my mother was emotionally unavailable when I was a very young kid (can't remember that, but she told me). Later I experienced violence, she beat my older brother a lot (can't remember if she also had beaten me?) and emotional abuse from my mother. She never really cared about my feelings, always gas-lightned me, etc.
When I was 10 or 11 I found child porn on the Internet, because my mother watched some news on the TV were they talked about 'child porn'. I was curious and just searched in a file-sharing program. When I first saw the photos, it disgust me, but I also felt some kind of 'curious excitement' thinking that's pretty weird...
What's weird is that my older brother became a child prostitute. I know he sold hisself when he was 13 and homeless.
My mother was sexually abused by his stepfather. I still don't get if there's a connection, because I can't remember any sexual abuse myself despite being a victim of some voyeur in a bathroom once when I was 9 or 10...
I guess that made something with my brain. It's for sure a reason to think about CTB.
Fortunately I don't have a lot urges acting out in real life, it's more the urge to watch child abuse images or start stuff like videochats with minors, etc.
I don't want to become a child rapist, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to control myself forever, especially in the said areas, therefore suicide would be a rational solution for that dilemma.