This is 100% a American culture thing. I literally lived through this myself.
Just a big warning. I have first hand experience being with an over weight man, it was the exact same situation you are in. You need to leave, please take this warning and leave. Do not let this person or his family keep you stuck, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. I guarantee you they will force you to stay around and become even more abusive, I know our society's doesn't see this as abuse per say, but being put into a position were you cant get out cause you do all the housework and have no money to leave, this is less than what a servant makes, you are being confined into what is practically slavery. Pls look at your situation from a 3rd person perspective, are you at beck and call? Do they get upset with you, or treat you less if you do not do the things they want that keep them happy?
Yes they do. My partner guilt trips me sometimes. I remember one time he had to go to some appointment for replacing his glasses and he was telling me that "You never iron my clothes" I told him that I didn't know which outfit he would wear and if he had told me before, I would have ironed it...and also we don't have an iron of our own in our room. The iron belongs to his mom and I didn't feel comfortable using her stuff.
His mom also acts like it's such a difficult task to cook food for herself. She only had cooked food for herself and had never shared any food with me or my partner. But I had shared the food which I had cooked before with her and I had washed her plates, dishes etc...and also whenever she has a Potluck event at the Church, she asks me to cook the food for her. She attends the Church every Sunday and honestly I don't like her or other people to judge my cooking when I haven't ever tasted her cooking not even once. But I couldn't say no so I cooked for her. I also noticed that she would show extra kindness before she needed me to cook for her Church's potluck event but would show me some attitude after it was finished. So I was tired of that toxic behavior and decided to not cook for her or wash her plates or dishes etc. I do all the cleaning at the house and cook for my partner so the only thing which she has to do is cook the food for herself. Which is not such a difficult thing to do. Even people older than her cook for themselves and sometimes even cook for the other people. All she does is sitting on the couch and watching TV whole day so it's rarely quiet inside the house. At first I thought her laziness was due to her being older but now I feel like it's just how she is just like my partner is because he shares many characteristics just like her. She's overweight as well and she also drinks alcohol often.
And yes, I don't want to become pregnant and luckily we are not having unsafe sex nowadays so I hope that it would remain the same because it could even affect my plan to ctb.
I'm guessing that you're from Asia?The treatment of women over there is pretty bad. Your husband isn't going to change. His family wouldn't change either. These traits are ingrained in them.
You need to get a lawyer and file for separation if you're feeling trapped and can't take it much longer. He will have to pay for the lawyer and you'll get half of everything. I'm not saying it'll be easy, I know it's going to take a toll on you mentally and emotionally. But every day will be better after that.
Yes I'm originally from a country in Asia but my partner has no Asian heritage. He's mixed race with black and white parents . And actually I don't know how can I do all that and I don't want any of his belongings if we ever get separated or divorced. I just want to feel free and live a normal life with no stress but the current living condition isn't giving me any peace in my mind... specially because his future plans for having children as well. I believe that I have high functioning Autism/ Aspergers and even some ADHD as well and because of that, it's difficult for me to be fully independent.
I wasn't ever officially diagnosed because the society in my home country is very ignorant about complex issues like high functioning Autism/ Aspergers and ADHD but I had always had issues with socializing and generally feeling different than the rest. I was a bright student in the school though but when it came to socializing and all those stuff I was very inept and I had to drop out of the university because of that as well because in my country it's very difficult for the neurodivergent people to study in campuses because you're expected to be very social and outgoing like the rest because of a university sub culture they have over there. On top of that, I grew up in a toxic family environment with very narcissistic parents so I didn't have the most pleasant life over there either. My life was already doomed from the beginning overall.
This guy sounds like a piece of shit and you should leave him ASAP. I also think you should tell him off. Tell him what a worthless, disgusting piece of shit he is.
If I told him anything negative, he would get mad for sure because he expects me to act sweet and innocent all the time and I'm not allowed to be human and show frustration or anger. He also owns a gun which makes it worse. He owns not just one gun but two guns.
Oh god he's one of those people. Yeah nah ditch him. I was giving the benefit of the doubt earlier because I like to think people can change, but ff he's marrying you because he wants an exotic maid then I don't think he can change his ways. In fact, I'd be very weary of him as people with these kinds of mindsets can be pretty dangerous. What kind of stuff does he post online? Is he in some kind of echo chamber?
Also I'd recommend if you're getting serious in an online relationship, move it to real life so you have a better understanding on the kind of person before marrying. Not victim blaming, just giving advice for the future so it doesn't happen again.
It's concerning to say that a first world country like America has standards this bad but I guess it shows just how shit it's gotten over there. I agree with the pregnancy thing: pro-choice in america is getting harder and harder so I'd recommend you avoid any sort of sexual stuff with him, alcohol etc to avoid this.
He said that he follows that guy Andrew Tate who is famous for being sexist and misogynistic. He had told it himself before that if a man cheats, it's normal but if a woman cheats, she's a sl*t because men are wired by the nature to be that way to impregnate as many women as possible but women are programmed to be selective and be mothers someday.
And I was shocked to see this kind of behavior and family dynamics too because I thought that people in the first world countries have more developed mindsets than in the third world countries...but I guess not all people have developed mindsets no matter where in the world they live. My partner also has an older brother who has a marijuana addiction problem and he also had made my partner to pay for his car payment when he was out of work and then asked him for money too sometimes. His mother also enables his behavior because I think that her favorite child is her older son and not my partner who is her younger son.
Getting a job and paying for your end of the bills, accordingly to the wage gap between the two of you, would really give you a point in asking him to help. I'm a NEET, I live with my family, I do most of the cleaning (not their private bathrooms nor their rooms, and I don't wash the clothes) and I would never complain about it unless I was participating in the finances of the house.
Once you get a green card or whatever (assuming you can only stay in the US because of the marriage and want to stay) get a lawyer and a divorce. Maybe a more pragmatic view will make things more bearable.
Where did I said that I complain about cooking and cleaning? I was just saying about how he expects me to do every little thing like washing his plates, mugs, fix the bedsheets etc. I can understand of him being too tired if he did a physically demanding job but the one he's doing is basically sitting whole day...He had a job previously which needed him to do some physical work but he got fired from it because of being too lazy. Even when he was at the home for more than a month without work after being fired from his previous job, he never washed his plates or mugs either so this is more like his personality and beliefs issue.
By NEET I don't know if you meant that you aren't earning any money at all and that you are completely depending on your family to buy all the stuff for you but I don't think that I'm a complete NEET either because I do spend some money too for the stuff which I need and the groceries and other stuff which is needed for the home. Yes, I don't earn a big salary like from a real job but I do spend even the little amount I earn which is not thousands of dollars. And I'm not even eating that much food and feel like starving most of the times. What I basically have is a roof over my head but even before I moved to here, my partner was still paying rent because him and his mother need a home to live anyway. I don't think that they have any major expenses now just because of me because I don't ask for anything and I don't even eat food that much even if I bought them with the money which I had earned. My partner has an unusually l high appetite issue and he eats most of the food which either him or I buy.
