Hello, I have felt this way on and off for quite some time now. I have even been actively in mental health treatment after I ended up in the hospital because I knew I was going to CTB if I didn't seek help. Now I'm feeling very grateful that I did so and my suicidal ideation is fleeting now. I still find myself on here daily to seek comfort for my thoughts and see others who feel similar because explaining them to anyone who hasn't experienced them is simply too difficult, as I'm sure you know.
Feeling suicidal daily, hating life, I relate to it. That desire to change as well. I encourage you to confront it head on. I had a loaded gun kept in my car for 5 months. I had written notes to each of my closest family and friends. I was getting high everyday for most of my time awake to numb my thoughts. I hated almost every part of my body, my personality, my actions, and my state of being. I had my final day planned out meticulously. But I too had that seed planted in my mind where I felt that initiative to make a difference in how I was conducting my day to day, and since then I have been slowly but surely doing a lot better.
However, that isn't to say living is the path forward for everyone. I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation but I absolutely understand wanting to CTB before it might get worse. It's an evil world we find ourselves situated in. Many people are cruel and being suicidal is not something society deals with soundly, as they do with too many other elements of the human condition that people feel uncomfortable confronting.
Even though I have felt quite content since the turn of the month, it's always nice to know the option of freedom from existing in this plane is always there.
Whether you continue pushing forward or you find peace leaving this world, I wish you all the best in finding a state of serenity.
