Must CTB but don't want to

[know-nothing]

Well, the long story would be boring, so instead I'll just say that I have always had mental issues (runs in the family) but since adulthood it's gotten worse. It's to the point where I think about suicide daily. I can't remember the last time I felt like I actually wanted to live my life. I have to kill myself before things get worse, but I don't even have the will to do that much. I hate my life. I need to change.

Is anyone else in this situation? How are you dealing with it?

 

[itsgone2]

Same as you. Feel trapped.

 

[imontheloose]

It's sadly quite common to want to CTB yet feel unable to for whatever reason that may be. I hope you find your peace soon, as I hope for all reading this.

Take a hug!

 

[rs929]

I'm feeling similar. It's like I wanna get better, do stuff to improve my life, but I don't have the motivation or energy, and I know an unlivable life is waiting for me. So I take no action to improve and I don't CTB either

 

[brandnewtiger]

Hello, I have felt this way on and off for quite some time now. I have even been actively in mental health treatment after I ended up in the hospital because I knew I was going to CTB if I didn't seek help. Now I'm feeling very grateful that I did so and my suicidal ideation is fleeting now. I still find myself on here daily to seek comfort for my thoughts and see others who feel similar because explaining them to anyone who hasn't experienced them is simply too difficult, as I'm sure you know.

Feeling suicidal daily, hating life, I relate to it. That desire to change as well. I encourage you to confront it head on. I had a loaded gun kept in my car for 5 months. I had written notes to each of my closest family and friends. I was getting high everyday for most of my time awake to numb my thoughts. I hated almost every part of my body, my personality, my actions, and my state of being. I had my final day planned out meticulously. But I too had that seed planted in my mind where I felt that initiative to make a difference in how I was conducting my day to day, and since then I have been slowly but surely doing a lot better.

However, that isn't to say living is the path forward for everyone. I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation but I absolutely understand wanting to CTB before it might get worse. It's an evil world we find ourselves situated in. Many people are cruel and being suicidal is not something society deals with soundly, as they do with too many other elements of the human condition that people feel uncomfortable confronting.

Even though I have felt quite content since the turn of the month, it's always nice to know the option of freedom from existing in this plane is always there.

Whether you continue pushing forward or you find peace leaving this world, I wish you all the best in finding a state of serenity.

 

[monkeysee2]

Same position. The odds were stacked against me from the start. I wish I could have a do-over or be reincarnated into someone else.

This is the one place where I can openly talk about my suicidal thoughts without facing repercussions and being locked up against my will.