Venting I love life - I'm ending it anyways.

[AbsoluteFiend]

My life has been horrible, after all my years I look back and all I can remember is just countless humiliations, harassment, stalking, beating, just terror and terror, unending, I've been suicidal on and off for as long as I can remember. But still I have always wanted to keep on fighting and to keep on living because I have a few friends I adore far more than I could possibly hate my living conditions and this has made me want to live endlessly.

But the situation has changed, climate catastrophe is ever encroaching, it's funny but being so close to death - being reminded of my mortality, makes me suicidal, I'm afraid of starving or dying of heat stroke, I'm afraid of being separated from my friends.

So that's it, I wish, truly, that it didn't have to end this way, I seriously wish I could just spend a few more years even if its under struggle, with my friends, as tough as it is, but it's over, truly truly over, I can't delude myself any longer and think that I'll all be fine somehow.

So I''ll probably kill myself, I mean, I already knew that the day would come but man does it hurt to see it barreling towards me so quickly, seriously I thought I had a decade more under my belt!

God damn it, I fucking hate it, I hate it so god damn much, I will probably CTB together with my friends.

I'm not religious at all, I'm an atheist, but I wish for an afterlife, not the christian afterlife or reincarnation or anything,
All I ever wanted was to spend time with my friends and this cruel reality is gonna take that from me.

I don't expect anyone to relate, I know life has been very very tough for all of us in here and a lot of users of this forum would wish for non existance, I fully respect that and I empathize with you.

I just have nowhere else to share this agonizing feeling I've been struggling with for years, I created my account 3 years ago feeling the same way I feel now, but as time goes on the feeling has just gotten stronger.

Cheers.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'm sorry it's like that, mate. That's a completely valid reason for wanting to ctb and I understand It. I will compel you to talk to your friends or someone you love if you have someone, just see what they have to say. You never know.

 

[PerfectVictory]

Would you want to just have your method on hand and if things do get bad enough with the climate you do it then? That way you get as much time as you can.

 

[AbsoluteFiend]

Would you want to just have your method on hand and if things do get bad enough with the climate you do it then? That way you get as much time as you can.

Possibly,

My biggest struggle is the uncertainty of it all, it feels like life is just tugging at me end to end, and as climate conditions worsen the more the situation changes.

This isn't possible, but if it were announced "yep! you will die at THIS moment" I would be able to remain peaceful because then I would know just how much I got left to enjoy before I CTB.

But right now it's a massive struggle between my ever growing feeling of impending doom and a nagging feeling of "not yet!" in the background and both clash together to make me end up doing nothing and feeling nothing.