Should I try again?

[Red.one]

It's just getting worse and worse. I'm practically bedbound. Sometimes I'm able to do stuff but it's mostly cleaning and not important stuff. And even if I'm happy that I achived something - like getting washing machine on - I still feel like a looser.

My life motto is: 'I'm a looser who dont want to loose again'. And I'm loosing. Again and again and again. And still i don't want to loose.

I tried to kill myself almost 10 ya. I truly hated the feeling of killing myself, and the I hated "being saved". When I woke up I was sure I was in purgatory (there was a screeming girl in restrains next to me). My first real thought was "where are my eye rings?".

I don't know if I want to try again. It's going to be really hard to just do it in a train like fashion. Back then I was sure (Its a "miracle that I don't have brain and liver damage) I need to kill myself. But rn I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUKIN DO

 

[somiseriously]

I have a similar situation to yours and it's hard to get myself to do things I need motivation to get out of bed I wish I could die in my sleep