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sumbumedguy

sumbumedguy

some princes don't become kings
Oct 9, 2018
26
my parents saw my cuts and took away everything my bank account rope kitchen knives razers and chemicals I have to use baby toothpaste so I don't swallow it I have 50 bucks in a visa card they don't know about how can I ctb I was going to hydrogen sulfide but can't now I want it to be kind of newsworthy so my friends can know my parents won't tell them and i don't want to text them my note because the police might harass them there's no trains nearby and cars don't always work plus your just being a dick 4 clean up I live in an LA suberb so it's sand lawns cacti and all safe plants and like no one sells drugs not evan weed I'm 200lbs
 
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sumbumedguy

sumbumedguy

some princes don't become kings
Oct 9, 2018
26
I've been consistently depressed since I was in middle school got my heart crushed a bunch, and I peaked in hs, not exactly passing collage. I'm not really gonna amount to much and I've had alot of time to think about so I'm kinda defensive about
 
TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,913
I've been consistently depressed since I was in middle school got my heart crushed a bunch, and I peaked in hs, not exactly passing collage. I'm not really gonna amount to much and I've had alot of time to think about so I'm kinda defensive about
Just my to cents here. I had depression from I was 14-20, my girlfriend I had been with for 2½ years broke up with me when I was 20yo and half a year later my depression went away so I found out my depression was associated with falling in love. I also think it is important to mention 7 out of the 8 GF´s I had cheated on me or to be more specific they fucked another dude and that started when I was 13yo and my 12yo girlfriend fucked another guy.

But anywho if you want to die go do it life is pathetic anyway for almost any human being everyone is just coping with all the excuses to live when in fact life is 90-99% hard work and once in a while you have an amazing moment a memorable moment at least after entering the teenage years because life was paradise as a child and everything after childhood should have just been put down to spare us from the pain of life.
 
sumbumedguy

sumbumedguy

some princes don't become kings
Oct 9, 2018
26
But anywho if you want to die go do it life is pathetic anyway for almost any human being everyone is just coping with all the excuses to live when in fact life is 90-99% hard work and once in a while you have an amazing moment a memorable moment at least after entering the teenage years because life was paradise as a child and everything after childhood should have just been put down to spare us from the pain of life.
THIS A+ 100%10/10

I think i do 2 but I like being in love it's fun until it isn't my beef is it being unresiprocated and it fading and it always will fade for everyone
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,913
THIS A+ 100%10/10

I think i do 2 but I like being in love it's fun until it isn't my beef is it being unresiprocated
How old are you? I was/am a hopeless romantic and every girl I have been with fucked me over so I hate girls now, I wish I didn´t because I miss being in love and that is also one of the MANY reasons I want to die because my life has peaked long ago and I will never experience all those great feelings and experiences ever again. I am pretty much damaged goods.
 
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sumbumedguy

sumbumedguy

some princes don't become kings
Oct 9, 2018
26
How old are you? I was/am a hopeless romantic and every girl I have been with fucked me over so I hate girls now, I wish I didn´t because I miss being in love and that is also one of the MANY reasons I want to die because my life has peaked long ago and I will never experience all those great feelings and experiences ever again. I am pretty much damaged goods.
I'm 18 with the body and a mind of a 40 year old
 
TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Aug 27, 2018
2,913
I'm 18 with the body and a mind of a 40 year old
That sucks I realized my social life and life in general was over at 17 and now I am 24.

Anyways if you want to look into a clean and peacefull way to ctb then you might look into carbon monoxide poisoning; using a charcoal grill and a tent.
 
CentreMid

CentreMid

Sorry
Aug 23, 2018
478
what kind of tent ?
From what I've heard, a small one works best. That way the CO won't be as spread out (?) I'm not good at this whole science thing but I think that's it. The tent has to be closed though, and you'll want to wait until there's no fire, there has to be only smoke or something. I'm not the best at explaining things because I don't know much but that's a generalization of what it is haha
 
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Gainax

Gainax

Experienced
Oct 8, 2018
265
I'm 18 with the body and a mind of a 40 year old

Youre still very young i believe you should make a promise to yourself:

If after the next 5 years youre still a fucked up human being..then ctb and put an end to your misery.

Within the next 5 years do whatever it takes to change your life for the better:
1-Start reading the reddit Red Pill stuff you will learn that women are all alike, they are always searching for a "better" man no matter how nice you are to them

2-start dieting and going to the gym and lift weights, be a buffed dude, other guys wont bully you and girls will want to be with you

3-give it all in college and take a stem degree

4-be careful with women, put yourself, your goals, always in the 1st place


This is what would have done if i could go back to my 18 teens, but now its to late for me
 
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Sayo

Sayo

Not 2B
Aug 22, 2018
520
Don't worry about newsworthy. You can send scheduled emails to those you want to know. You can schedule it for a long time if you want a chance to cancel it. If they want to know the date, you can include the date you sent it or get them to look up an obituary.

With that card you could probably get everything you need for an overdose on sodium nitrite. I strongly recommend researching the method yourself (read the most recent PPeH chapter on inorganic salts, read the SN thread) and deciding for yourself whether it's a good method for you before you commit to spending your money. Receiving items to your home might be a problem because of your parents, and you'd probably have to order at the very least the anti-emetics.

Hanging is the other super cheap one, but it requires a place to do it where you won't be found for a while and something that can support your weight (as well as the ability to overcome the survival instinct).

Drowning doesn't cost anything except transport (iirc LA doesn't have real public transport, so that could be an issue for you? I've never been to the West Coast), but it's very painful, and might require you to be able to be out at night.

CO I'm not sure you could afford everything with $50 - grill, tent, briquettes -, but otherwise it's by far the best method out of these. If you get money at Christmas or whatever, it might be worth saving up for. Painless and reliable if you do it properly. You would need to be able to get away for some time though so you don't get interrupted, and it takes some preparation.

I share the concerns of others that you are very young, and likely have not tried everything, even though I am sure you have had a long time to think about it. I know you are likely defensive about this. I became suicidal at the age of 10, although I was mentally ill before that, and I attempted for the first time at 15. At 18, I had had a long time to think about suicide too -- I nearly died of cancer at 17 anyway -- and I don't think I'd regret having died then, although I've had wonderful life experiences in the seven years since then scattered throughout the awful ones.

So, I want you to know that I do understand. But because I haven't lived your life, and because I've known people turn it around enough to satisfy them in the span of time I've remained depressed and miserable, and I can't decide whether that would be important by your values, I do want to express that I feel your problems are difficult but fixable. It's entirely possible that new problems that you consider not worth living through will come around, though. Knowing there's a way out might give you enough peace of mind to make things possible, though.

It's unclear whether you're at college already or not, but it's the kind of environment where you can turn your life around with some focus. I know depression makes it super hard. There are structured avenues for socialisation, you can work on your appearance and charisma, and many people are also isolated and looking for friends.

I disagree with those attempting to redpill you, it's a good way to guarantee you won't find the meaningful connection you're looking for instead of sex if you do choose to give it a try. Especially in a college of all places. Having someone fuck you but not want to be with you is also devastating if you love them. (The advice about presentation, looking a way that makes you feel better and project less insecurity, and focusing on your degree is good.)

I just think love is one of the only things that makes existence enjoyable enough to outweigh its crushing futility. So if an absence of love is your primary problem, and there are some things about you that make the numbers game even harder, and you really enjoy love that much, it might be worth trying everything with the mindset of trying to live one more time in the last really structured part of life you're going to get, because you can always kill yourself later -- when you have more than $50 and can give yourself a peaceful death.

That being said, many people are not looking for anything serious in college - it made me miserable too - it's partly a function of the age and social immaturity of people in college and the lifestyle they're living, and also that people will change a lot just naturally during college or develop incompatible lifestyles. That's why it can be a good time to work on improving yourself.

It takes a lot to grow with someone instead of away from them and in college, people put their goals first. So if you're a romantic who's not looking to date casually, looking for a date in college could be very painful, and you may need to take a different emotional approach to it. I don't really know how to advise you there because I refused to date like that, being unable to emotionally withstand it. Of course, committed relationships have their problems too, and it can take a while to find one that works. Anyway, people do suck unexpectedly, but people typically give off warning signs that the lover blindly forgives, ime.

That's true even more of middle and high school by the way, keep in mind that a lot of people in there are in the non-serious relationships of children. They are learning the rudiments of it and driven by hormones. It is an environment that will lead to almost nothing but heartbreak. High school sweetheart relationships are rare and many fall apart after college anyway. In your twenties, though, people will start to increasingly look for long-term relationships.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
 
lost illusions

lost illusions

bye
Sep 12, 2018
548
At least yall got some play through your lives
 
4

406blue

Specialist
Sep 7, 2018
379
I recommend you try and give it a bit longer with life, somehow bear what you're going through. I remember feeling suicidal often over the last 30 years ago and made it through somehow with some good times along the way. By now enough is enough but i'm glad i didn't do it before actually, because i needed to get to where i have exhausted all the options and i think someone aged 20 can't have exhausted theirs. I don't know your experience and everyone is different. You've probably heard all this kind of thing many times from people but just from my experience. As a poster said above, channeling negative energy into something physical, being careful with women if it causes you problems. Sayo made a very thoughtful, detailed post.
 
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sumbumedguy

sumbumedguy

some princes don't become kings
Oct 9, 2018
26
thanks for all the support guys seriously it means alot unlike reddit or other places, where ppl tell you that it's not worth it and not to do it, this place actually helps. most ppl here I think are suicidal as opposed 2 the grief counselors or missionaries on reddit . I bought a bunch of water hemlock seeds on ebay 3.50 and am going to roll the dice if I pass my midterms. scores get published next week if I fail I guess I'll plant them, crawl threw the semester and see if I can get smarter or Idk atleast find a shoulder to lean on for a while.if I don't Ile use the leaves with charcoal /tent

one thing tho I don't hate any of my crushes. I can't I don't blame them for my feelings being unresiprocsted. (I'm really sorry if I attacked somones copeing mechanism) they didn't ask me to fall for them I didn't get asked out in hs but it's also gotta be pretty tough to let someone down. I feel as though if they were horrid about it I might feel better about hating them and in turn a part of myself
I also really like being in love it's an addiction I always have had a crush dating or otherwise and that person is always in my head. I had an LDR in middle school for 2 years and I guess I built up unreal expectations of what a relationship is irl
 
Sayo

Sayo

Not 2B
Aug 22, 2018
520
Yeah, LDRs can be deceptive when you are young. They bypass many of the problems of face-to-face dating in exchange for an intense, constant connection, and with no means of meeting nor ways of holding one's dreams accountable to reality, it can be detrimental to the rest of your life. In a relationship, you end up living with someone and dealing with a lot of mundanity together that helps you work out if you are compatible on a long-term basis.

But I also don't think LDRs are substantially less valid than any other teenage relationship emotionally, partially for that reason. Most middle schoolers are not going to be contemplating moving in together. The emotional highs of an LDR mimic the emotional highs of a middle school relationship. The issues are diffferent, is all.

And love is definitely addictive, in a chemical sense as well as psychological. It is a very, very rare person who does not first become aware of that as a young adult, regardless of their other priorities.

You seem like a forgiving and kind person. I am sorry that nothing great has come of that. I hope you also realise that, although something is not somebody else's fault, it is not necessarily yours either.

I hope you do well in your midterms. I'm in the middle of mine at the moment. I know counsellors are exactly as useless as you say, but does your college have mental health support? The reason wouldn't necessarily be able to talk to them but to be able to find out how to get ongoing academic support with your depression. I have to admit I am very ignorant about American schools, unfortunately.

Finally, if you can use the CO method, I wouldn't bother with hemlock. The seizures could cause problems, like hitting the grill, calling attention to yourself, etc. These are some of the only ways to make the CO method fail. The CO method is reliable if done right, and it's a lot more comfortable. Better to research one method properly and do it right then mix a couple together.
 

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