Before you start reading I just want to let you know that this is really boring and there are probably gonna be like a million grammatical errors but I hope someone does read it. This is probably going to be NSFW so this may trigger some people. Please bear with me if some parts of my story are incoherent I'm not good at telling stories but I just want to tell anyone. Writing everything down would also help me organize my thoughts so yeah. I'm pretty new to this but I heard posts can be taken down if some key words are contained in it so that might happen to me considering I'm going to talk about literally everything. Again, this is probably going to be NSFW so this may trigger some people. Oh and also, I don't want your pity nor do I want to hear comments of "oh what an attention seeker". If I wanted to do that I would have posted my story on Reddit or something lmfao.
One of the first memories I remember was of me walking up some stairs one feet at a time instead of two because I saw others doing it as well. I remember eating at the table with my other kindergarten friends and seeing who could finish eating faster. I remember when I had to move away and live in another country (Somewhere in Central America) without getting to say goodbye. I was thrown into a completely new environment but I didn't feel any sort of fear since I was still so little and knew so little. I made friends again. Invited them to my house so we can play with some plushies and toys and I remember just being so happy at that moment. About 1 or 2 years later I moved yet again to another country (US). Only difference this time is that I was older and started to learn of how hard life can be.
I was born out of wedlock. My dad was married to another woman and they had a child. Don't know much about the guy but he's probably in his 30s living his life somewhere. It's your typical happy family but the only issue is that my dad married another woman. While being married. So he cheated on his wife and had me with my mom. For reasons I would rather not get into im almost completely sure that my birth was an accident. My dad and my mom were happy (?) for a while until I moved to the US. That's when I started to realize that my "happy" family wasn't really "happy". I remember my mom constantly asking my dad for money whenever he came home. She would ask him for money while he was in the bathroom, while eating, and even before he left for work again. I didn't think much of it at the time since I was so caught up with trivial matters which I thought were really important like making snow in the freezer so I can show my friends at school.
I'm not sure when it started but my parents started to argue a lot. They would yell at each other, curse at each other, it got to the point where my dad started throwing cushions at my mom which looking back, was the best case scenario since he could have easily gotten more violent, but doesn't make it any better. I remember praying to god and telling him to make my parents stop fighting so we can be a happy family again. I was young but even I knew that what I was doing was dumb because god isn't real (I don't want to get religious so I'm gonna leave it at that). I moved shortly after with only my mother and my brother. At the time I didn't think much of it but I knew something happened.
Fast forward a little bit and it got to the point where my dad, who didn't know we ran away from him, had somehow found us and even went so far as to try and take us away from my mom. That's where I started to harbor this feeling that my dad was a bad person. During this period of my life I was constantly home alone with my brother since my mom had to constantly work. It's the typical story of a kid with unlimited access to the internet. That's where, at the age of 11 (?), I found out about porn. Now back then you could easily find porn on YouTube so me being a naive kid, gave it a go. Luckily I didn't do anything else other than watch but it would eventually lead into something else. This went on a very very long time. There would be momentary discrepancies here and there like going to an amusement park or hanging out at the park but 95% of the time it was just me and my brother at home. I remember being such a spoiled brat. Constantly arguing with my mom or fighting with my brother but there were times when I would be nice. One of the more strong memories I have during this time was when I wrote a letter for my mom on Mother's Day telling her how much I loved her. I remember giving it to her and seeing here start tearing up. Couple of days later that paper was being used to cover the frying pan so that oil wouldn't get everywhere.
At the time I thought my mom was well, just my mom. Not an evil person like my dad but just my mom. I remember finding her secret stash of money and thinking, man if we have so much money why are we living in this three story apartment with creaky floors? I also remember my mom asking me if I could give her some of my allowance money so she could use it. My mom was a smoker. I would sometimes see cigarette buds on the balcony and I remember being really surprised about it. But it was really nothing much than that. During this time I also remember being introduced to this other man who at the time, I thought was just my friends mom but I later came to realize that he was more than a friend of my mom.
This chapter came to a close when I was sent to live with my dad some place else (Central America). We were originally only meant to be there during summer vacation but it ended up being for the rest of my life. I wasn't aware of this so that was the last time I ever got to see my mom. I was older at this point so I had some concepts down like, my dad is bad and scary and my mom is good. I was scared of my dad. Other than the language barrier and the entirely new environment I was thrown into without prior knowledge, nothing much happened for a while. I was still a bratty child so there was the occasional beatings (broom stick to the legs especially hurt lmao) from my dad but it barely happened anyways.
I think there was a point where my dad started to feel guilty about the things he did to me and my brother so he eventually sent us away to live with someone else. This someone else is who I thought was my "aunt" during that time but she just turned out to be my friends dad or something. Luckily there weren't any romantic feelings between the two and there still isn't. Anyways I consider this "aunt" of mine to be a very I guess lost person (?). I'll get into why I think that in a little bit.
Anyways my aunt has two kids. Both are currently in college but I remember meeting them for the first time while watching a movie at their house (which I guess is also my house now since I was to live with my aunt until I graduate high school). I'll call them my cousins even thought we aren't related by blood to not confuse you. The younger cousin was around 16 when we met. He seemed nice at first since he would let us watch movies on his laptop but oh how wrong I was. I never realized it but a couple of months after we started to live together it became known that he didn't like us living with him. It was as if we were a thorn in his teenage years which to be honest I can't blame him for. What I can't forgive though is what he did to my brother. I don't even remember the reason he did it but he started hitting him in the back with what I think was a belt or a whip. Luckily my other cousin found out and stopped him but I remember thinking "wow he'd make a great dad". I know that's like one of the worst things I could say but my concept of what a father is was so warped because of what I mentioned before that it was the first thought that came to mind. I'm not trying to justify it I know it was something horrible that I should not have thought of but yeah. Other than that the worst he's treated me was when he beat me because I lied but luckily it never escalated from there. Other than that it was the usual raising your arms for an hour or two or intense physical pain. Not the mentions the psychological abuse at the same time which will get a lot worse (actually one of the reasons I want to cbt haha). Not trying to exaggerate the punishments by the way, you could argue that is was a reasonable punishment since I was such a little shit that would constantly lie and play games behind their backs even thought I knew I was banned from playing games. Now that I think about playing games was one of my worst issues back then and it all stems from those days in the US when I was left alone all day long. Before I move on I may have painted my cousin in a bad light, I mean 50% of the time he was fun to hang out with but the only memories that really stuck to me are the bad ones. They're always the bad ones.
Maybe like 2 years later he moved out in order to go to college in Asia (I'm Asian, this will be important later) so it was just me, my brother, and my aunt (my older cousin moved out before). My aunt got more strict once my cousin moved out because he was usually the one handing out punishments but with his absence someone had to fill that void and unfortunately that job landed upon my aunt. Only difference between him and her was that she was more of the psychological one. Constantly calling me a selfish piece of shit, a useless robot who only does as he's told, a worthless person, a bad brother, a liar, and a hypocrite, that's just off the top of my head but I'm sure there were more. Along with this came physical punishments which weren't as bad as with my cousin but it was still hell. Now that I'm typing all this out I don't even know how I was able to bear all the pain I was feeling, maybe it was because I was still young (kinda?) or maybe it was because I thought it would end one day. Feels wrong for me to paint my aunt in such a bad manner, I mean she took me and my brother in even thought we weren't related by blood and she didn't even know of our existence until my dad told her. And so I'm stuck in the middle were I feel like talking about her this way is wrong but I want to tell anyone because I feel so trapped. Because of all her constant belittling of me I developed this defense mechanism of sorts were I would become this lifeless machine who just did as he was told to. I knew deep down that all she wanted for me was to become a good man who wasn't selfish but she went about it the wrong way. Cant blame her since my dad also made the same mistake.
And now for the ultimate climax.
My older cousin is a genius. Always had high grades in high school, was the popular girl, hard working and determined. This all lead up to her getting into a major Ivy League college in Asia. She was like the pride and joy of the family. I didn't interact with her much during the period where we were living together since she was always either out at parties or studying in her room. During this time I always admired her (I think) and wanted to be like her because who wouldn't. She had this energy about her which would tell anyone that she's going places. This perception I had of her would all crumble down once I actually lived with her for two months. Oh and before I move on my porn addiction was strong during this time. I was caught once which lead into a very painful and awkward situation with my younger cousin and my aunt and it's also the first time I ever contemplated on suicide. Unfortunately I didn't stop after, only learned how to hide it better.
I'm very bad at speaking my native language. Like laughably bad. A grade school could do better than me. For this reason, during summer vacation, I was sent to live with my older cousin in Asia along with my brother and aunt in order to learn how to speak and write properly. These 2 months ended up being what I think were the absolute lowest points in my life.
At first she was nice. She was nice until she wasn't. I don't even remember what I did but she started to become scary. Like really scary. Maybe it was because 5 people were living in a one bedroom, one small living room with kitchen and one bathroom apartment or maybe it was because I'm a retarted piece of work but she kept on constantly yelling and insulting. Only difference between her and my aunt was that she was also physical like my other cousin. Whenever I fucked up she always let me know by calling me stupid, an idiot, a robot, and a loser to name a few. Along with this was the raising arms for a couple of hours, throwing things so close to me that it almost hit me, squats (which actually hurts if done properly for half an hour without break) and some other stuff. Now you must be wondering how exactly I fucked up for that to happen and the only memorable instance were when: I left the apartment to go to my academy while the maintenance workers were still there, and being a stupid piece of shit during the times were she tried teaching me how to speak and write my native language. I remember it happening so often that I had never had a bigger urge to run into traffic but I didn't want to traumatize my brother in that way. During this time there was also a point where I was supposed to learn my way back home from a certain point. I was only taught one time and it was like a 10 minute walk yet I was expected to know the route even though I had gotten a thorough beating beforehand from my aunt. My thoughts were jumbled but I surprisingly almost made my way back. Only got lost when I was about a three minute walk from home. So about an hour and a half passed by of me being a fucking loser lost on the streets at 9:00PM ish. I eventually found my way back but everyone was already out looking for me. That day was hell. I remember my aunt telling me how scared she was and how much pain I caused her. It's funny because the one who was lost was me. The one who was scared for an hour and a half was me. The one who was crying before was me. The one who wanted to kill himself was me. But I guess her pain must have been worse. Maybe it's selfish of me to think m that way because I didn't understand how she felt but then again, she didn't either so who was she to tell me how much pain I caused her. She flew back to Central America shorty after so it was just me, my brother, and my cousin (the smart one).
So before I stop talking about my trip I have one more event to talk about. The even which I think was the most traumatic thing to happen me (I'm such a drama queen I know). It was the day before I was supposed to leave and I remember my cousin testing us on what we learned. She told us that if we got less than 80% something bad would happen. And we'll it did. I got less than 80% (maybe because I couldn't focus because I was constantly being beat and abused mentally) and it ended up in me being kicked out of the apartment. This was around December so temperatures were below 0. I was kicked out with a t shirt, shorts, and a pair of sandals with no socks. I was left outside maybe 2 for two hours? I remember about an hour in I was sitting on a bench hiding my arms and legs inside my clothes so I could feel my feet again when a couple passed by. It was a level of humiliation I could t bear. I mean I've been humiliated before but nothing could compare to that moment. When I was let back in I couldn't stop shaking my legs, it was such a weird feeling because I couldn't feel them but they kept on shaking. I was asked what I had learned while outside. I said nothing and you want to know why? It was because I was freezing to death outside after being tormented mentally for half an hour. Oh and I forgot to mention but I was hit with silicon sticks before I was kicked out. It was originally a ruler but it broke so I was supposed to endure 20 hits on the palm of my hands but I guess my cousin couldn't stomach it after maybe 5 hits? So I was kicked out with bruised and bleeding hands. Anyways once I told her I didn't know what I learned i got an earful again. Don't know how but it eventually led up to me talking to her about my mom. My mom was always a sensitive topic for me and whenever anybody mentioned her I was dead silent. My aunt especially hated my mom even thought she arguably did much worse than her. Anyways that was the first time I had ever opened up to anyone about my mom ever. It was the one thing I never wanted to talk about with anyone but I was so mentally scarred that I became numb and it slipped out of my mouth. You wanna know what I was told in return? "Yeah I know how you feel because my dad died but look at me, I'm standing and look at yourself, that's not an excuse". Okay sorry for not being able to be as smart or determined as you. Sorry for being born I guess. I was kicked out again and I had to correct what I got wrong on the test. Me being a dumbfuck I got it wrong again because I didn't know but I wasn't kicked out again. I guess my cousin was tired or something. She told me she would send me to boarding school. Along with this she asked me if I ever felt jealous that my brother didn't get the same treatment as me. I said yes because im fucking human and she told me that's a great reason I should go to boarding school. Now you may be thinking that boarding school actually doesn't sound that bad but it's not cheap. I mean other than learning my native language, the whole reason for this trip was to fix some issues I had with my posture which was expensive as hell. Of course I was made aware of this by my aunt who called me an ungrateful piece of shit who wasted her money so I felt guilty. I don't know if they even did that on purpose but they guilt tripped me into not wanting to go to boarding school!
Anyways the day after I was supposed to leave but there were issues with my visa so we ended up staying for another day and it all ended with my cousin telling me I'm a worthless ungrateful piece of shit. In the end I got back home and that was that. I don't even know how I was able to joke around with my aunt and casually talk to her after what she had done. Maybe I was brainwashed into believing that what happened to me was normal and just the consequences of my actions. Which I guess they partially were but I really just wanted to die.
Everything after that seemed like a blur in my memory and before you know it was back the next summer. It wasn't as bad this time but it was still a living hell.
Going to skip a couple of years after since I lost the determination to keep on writing, I don't want to keep on crying, and I've been writing for like 2 hours non stop. So now we're in present times. Im a horrendous, ungrateful, useless, idiotic, retarded, stupid, piece of shit who only ruins the mood of everyone around him. Before I end it there's one more thing I wanna mention. Whenever I was stuck in my room because I did something bad I remember hearing everyone else laughing and being happy, whether that be watching a movie or just talking. Without me in the picture you have this happy family. A widow mom who does her best to raise her children, a genius daughter who will surely succeed in life, a son who although has made mistakes is in the process of becoming a better person, and the cute little guy whom my aunt loves very much along with her other two children. It's almost as if I'm not even part of that family. It's although maybe I was a mistake that was never meant to be born (which I am). The truth of the matter is that is a useless mistake who everyone has to deal with on a day to day basis because I'm their responsibility. I know they won't say it to my face but I know that they wish I was never born. I can't bear it any longer. Why did I have to be born it wasn't even my choice. Why did I have to go through all that hell. Why do I have to be constantly insulted and belittled. Why do I always have to be known as the reatarded child of the family. Why do I always start crying when someone makes even the slightest insult towards me. Why am I such a useless piece of shit who masturbates to porn. Why am I even here.
I'm probably going to end it in a couple of weeks or months. Still looking through some methods of cbt that don't need materials that are hard to obtain but it's kind of relieving that I won't have to live on here anymore. Hopefully I stop thinking once it all over. Going to bed immediately after posting this so I won't reply to messages till later but feel free to ask questions. There was a lot of stuff I missed but like I said I don't feel like writing anymore. Anyways bye bye for now
One of the first memories I remember was of me walking up some stairs one feet at a time instead of two because I saw others doing it as well. I remember eating at the table with my other kindergarten friends and seeing who could finish eating faster. I remember when I had to move away and live in another country (Somewhere in Central America) without getting to say goodbye. I was thrown into a completely new environment but I didn't feel any sort of fear since I was still so little and knew so little. I made friends again. Invited them to my house so we can play with some plushies and toys and I remember just being so happy at that moment. About 1 or 2 years later I moved yet again to another country (US). Only difference this time is that I was older and started to learn of how hard life can be.
I was born out of wedlock. My dad was married to another woman and they had a child. Don't know much about the guy but he's probably in his 30s living his life somewhere. It's your typical happy family but the only issue is that my dad married another woman. While being married. So he cheated on his wife and had me with my mom. For reasons I would rather not get into im almost completely sure that my birth was an accident. My dad and my mom were happy (?) for a while until I moved to the US. That's when I started to realize that my "happy" family wasn't really "happy". I remember my mom constantly asking my dad for money whenever he came home. She would ask him for money while he was in the bathroom, while eating, and even before he left for work again. I didn't think much of it at the time since I was so caught up with trivial matters which I thought were really important like making snow in the freezer so I can show my friends at school.
I'm not sure when it started but my parents started to argue a lot. They would yell at each other, curse at each other, it got to the point where my dad started throwing cushions at my mom which looking back, was the best case scenario since he could have easily gotten more violent, but doesn't make it any better. I remember praying to god and telling him to make my parents stop fighting so we can be a happy family again. I was young but even I knew that what I was doing was dumb because god isn't real (I don't want to get religious so I'm gonna leave it at that). I moved shortly after with only my mother and my brother. At the time I didn't think much of it but I knew something happened.
Fast forward a little bit and it got to the point where my dad, who didn't know we ran away from him, had somehow found us and even went so far as to try and take us away from my mom. That's where I started to harbor this feeling that my dad was a bad person. During this period of my life I was constantly home alone with my brother since my mom had to constantly work. It's the typical story of a kid with unlimited access to the internet. That's where, at the age of 11 (?), I found out about porn. Now back then you could easily find porn on YouTube so me being a naive kid, gave it a go. Luckily I didn't do anything else other than watch but it would eventually lead into something else. This went on a very very long time. There would be momentary discrepancies here and there like going to an amusement park or hanging out at the park but 95% of the time it was just me and my brother at home. I remember being such a spoiled brat. Constantly arguing with my mom or fighting with my brother but there were times when I would be nice. One of the more strong memories I have during this time was when I wrote a letter for my mom on Mother's Day telling her how much I loved her. I remember giving it to her and seeing here start tearing up. Couple of days later that paper was being used to cover the frying pan so that oil wouldn't get everywhere.
At the time I thought my mom was well, just my mom. Not an evil person like my dad but just my mom. I remember finding her secret stash of money and thinking, man if we have so much money why are we living in this three story apartment with creaky floors? I also remember my mom asking me if I could give her some of my allowance money so she could use it. My mom was a smoker. I would sometimes see cigarette buds on the balcony and I remember being really surprised about it. But it was really nothing much than that. During this time I also remember being introduced to this other man who at the time, I thought was just my friends mom but I later came to realize that he was more than a friend of my mom.
This chapter came to a close when I was sent to live with my dad some place else (Central America). We were originally only meant to be there during summer vacation but it ended up being for the rest of my life. I wasn't aware of this so that was the last time I ever got to see my mom. I was older at this point so I had some concepts down like, my dad is bad and scary and my mom is good. I was scared of my dad. Other than the language barrier and the entirely new environment I was thrown into without prior knowledge, nothing much happened for a while. I was still a bratty child so there was the occasional beatings (broom stick to the legs especially hurt lmao) from my dad but it barely happened anyways.
I think there was a point where my dad started to feel guilty about the things he did to me and my brother so he eventually sent us away to live with someone else. This someone else is who I thought was my "aunt" during that time but she just turned out to be my friends dad or something. Luckily there weren't any romantic feelings between the two and there still isn't. Anyways I consider this "aunt" of mine to be a very I guess lost person (?). I'll get into why I think that in a little bit.
Anyways my aunt has two kids. Both are currently in college but I remember meeting them for the first time while watching a movie at their house (which I guess is also my house now since I was to live with my aunt until I graduate high school). I'll call them my cousins even thought we aren't related by blood to not confuse you. The younger cousin was around 16 when we met. He seemed nice at first since he would let us watch movies on his laptop but oh how wrong I was. I never realized it but a couple of months after we started to live together it became known that he didn't like us living with him. It was as if we were a thorn in his teenage years which to be honest I can't blame him for. What I can't forgive though is what he did to my brother. I don't even remember the reason he did it but he started hitting him in the back with what I think was a belt or a whip. Luckily my other cousin found out and stopped him but I remember thinking "wow he'd make a great dad". I know that's like one of the worst things I could say but my concept of what a father is was so warped because of what I mentioned before that it was the first thought that came to mind. I'm not trying to justify it I know it was something horrible that I should not have thought of but yeah. Other than that the worst he's treated me was when he beat me because I lied but luckily it never escalated from there. Other than that it was the usual raising your arms for an hour or two or intense physical pain. Not the mentions the psychological abuse at the same time which will get a lot worse (actually one of the reasons I want to cbt haha). Not trying to exaggerate the punishments by the way, you could argue that is was a reasonable punishment since I was such a little shit that would constantly lie and play games behind their backs even thought I knew I was banned from playing games. Now that I think about playing games was one of my worst issues back then and it all stems from those days in the US when I was left alone all day long. Before I move on I may have painted my cousin in a bad light, I mean 50% of the time he was fun to hang out with but the only memories that really stuck to me are the bad ones. They're always the bad ones.
Maybe like 2 years later he moved out in order to go to college in Asia (I'm Asian, this will be important later) so it was just me, my brother, and my aunt (my older cousin moved out before). My aunt got more strict once my cousin moved out because he was usually the one handing out punishments but with his absence someone had to fill that void and unfortunately that job landed upon my aunt. Only difference between him and her was that she was more of the psychological one. Constantly calling me a selfish piece of shit, a useless robot who only does as he's told, a worthless person, a bad brother, a liar, and a hypocrite, that's just off the top of my head but I'm sure there were more. Along with this came physical punishments which weren't as bad as with my cousin but it was still hell. Now that I'm typing all this out I don't even know how I was able to bear all the pain I was feeling, maybe it was because I was still young (kinda?) or maybe it was because I thought it would end one day. Feels wrong for me to paint my aunt in such a bad manner, I mean she took me and my brother in even thought we weren't related by blood and she didn't even know of our existence until my dad told her. And so I'm stuck in the middle were I feel like talking about her this way is wrong but I want to tell anyone because I feel so trapped. Because of all her constant belittling of me I developed this defense mechanism of sorts were I would become this lifeless machine who just did as he was told to. I knew deep down that all she wanted for me was to become a good man who wasn't selfish but she went about it the wrong way. Cant blame her since my dad also made the same mistake.
And now for the ultimate climax.
My older cousin is a genius. Always had high grades in high school, was the popular girl, hard working and determined. This all lead up to her getting into a major Ivy League college in Asia. She was like the pride and joy of the family. I didn't interact with her much during the period where we were living together since she was always either out at parties or studying in her room. During this time I always admired her (I think) and wanted to be like her because who wouldn't. She had this energy about her which would tell anyone that she's going places. This perception I had of her would all crumble down once I actually lived with her for two months. Oh and before I move on my porn addiction was strong during this time. I was caught once which lead into a very painful and awkward situation with my younger cousin and my aunt and it's also the first time I ever contemplated on suicide. Unfortunately I didn't stop after, only learned how to hide it better.
I'm very bad at speaking my native language. Like laughably bad. A grade school could do better than me. For this reason, during summer vacation, I was sent to live with my older cousin in Asia along with my brother and aunt in order to learn how to speak and write properly. These 2 months ended up being what I think were the absolute lowest points in my life.
At first she was nice. She was nice until she wasn't. I don't even remember what I did but she started to become scary. Like really scary. Maybe it was because 5 people were living in a one bedroom, one small living room with kitchen and one bathroom apartment or maybe it was because I'm a retarted piece of work but she kept on constantly yelling and insulting. Only difference between her and my aunt was that she was also physical like my other cousin. Whenever I fucked up she always let me know by calling me stupid, an idiot, a robot, and a loser to name a few. Along with this was the raising arms for a couple of hours, throwing things so close to me that it almost hit me, squats (which actually hurts if done properly for half an hour without break) and some other stuff. Now you must be wondering how exactly I fucked up for that to happen and the only memorable instance were when: I left the apartment to go to my academy while the maintenance workers were still there, and being a stupid piece of shit during the times were she tried teaching me how to speak and write my native language. I remember it happening so often that I had never had a bigger urge to run into traffic but I didn't want to traumatize my brother in that way. During this time there was also a point where I was supposed to learn my way back home from a certain point. I was only taught one time and it was like a 10 minute walk yet I was expected to know the route even though I had gotten a thorough beating beforehand from my aunt. My thoughts were jumbled but I surprisingly almost made my way back. Only got lost when I was about a three minute walk from home. So about an hour and a half passed by of me being a fucking loser lost on the streets at 9:00PM ish. I eventually found my way back but everyone was already out looking for me. That day was hell. I remember my aunt telling me how scared she was and how much pain I caused her. It's funny because the one who was lost was me. The one who was scared for an hour and a half was me. The one who was crying before was me. The one who wanted to kill himself was me. But I guess her pain must have been worse. Maybe it's selfish of me to think m that way because I didn't understand how she felt but then again, she didn't either so who was she to tell me how much pain I caused her. She flew back to Central America shorty after so it was just me, my brother, and my cousin (the smart one).
So before I stop talking about my trip I have one more event to talk about. The even which I think was the most traumatic thing to happen me (I'm such a drama queen I know). It was the day before I was supposed to leave and I remember my cousin testing us on what we learned. She told us that if we got less than 80% something bad would happen. And we'll it did. I got less than 80% (maybe because I couldn't focus because I was constantly being beat and abused mentally) and it ended up in me being kicked out of the apartment. This was around December so temperatures were below 0. I was kicked out with a t shirt, shorts, and a pair of sandals with no socks. I was left outside maybe 2 for two hours? I remember about an hour in I was sitting on a bench hiding my arms and legs inside my clothes so I could feel my feet again when a couple passed by. It was a level of humiliation I could t bear. I mean I've been humiliated before but nothing could compare to that moment. When I was let back in I couldn't stop shaking my legs, it was such a weird feeling because I couldn't feel them but they kept on shaking. I was asked what I had learned while outside. I said nothing and you want to know why? It was because I was freezing to death outside after being tormented mentally for half an hour. Oh and I forgot to mention but I was hit with silicon sticks before I was kicked out. It was originally a ruler but it broke so I was supposed to endure 20 hits on the palm of my hands but I guess my cousin couldn't stomach it after maybe 5 hits? So I was kicked out with bruised and bleeding hands. Anyways once I told her I didn't know what I learned i got an earful again. Don't know how but it eventually led up to me talking to her about my mom. My mom was always a sensitive topic for me and whenever anybody mentioned her I was dead silent. My aunt especially hated my mom even thought she arguably did much worse than her. Anyways that was the first time I had ever opened up to anyone about my mom ever. It was the one thing I never wanted to talk about with anyone but I was so mentally scarred that I became numb and it slipped out of my mouth. You wanna know what I was told in return? "Yeah I know how you feel because my dad died but look at me, I'm standing and look at yourself, that's not an excuse". Okay sorry for not being able to be as smart or determined as you. Sorry for being born I guess. I was kicked out again and I had to correct what I got wrong on the test. Me being a dumbfuck I got it wrong again because I didn't know but I wasn't kicked out again. I guess my cousin was tired or something. She told me she would send me to boarding school. Along with this she asked me if I ever felt jealous that my brother didn't get the same treatment as me. I said yes because im fucking human and she told me that's a great reason I should go to boarding school. Now you may be thinking that boarding school actually doesn't sound that bad but it's not cheap. I mean other than learning my native language, the whole reason for this trip was to fix some issues I had with my posture which was expensive as hell. Of course I was made aware of this by my aunt who called me an ungrateful piece of shit who wasted her money so I felt guilty. I don't know if they even did that on purpose but they guilt tripped me into not wanting to go to boarding school!
Anyways the day after I was supposed to leave but there were issues with my visa so we ended up staying for another day and it all ended with my cousin telling me I'm a worthless ungrateful piece of shit. In the end I got back home and that was that. I don't even know how I was able to joke around with my aunt and casually talk to her after what she had done. Maybe I was brainwashed into believing that what happened to me was normal and just the consequences of my actions. Which I guess they partially were but I really just wanted to die.
Everything after that seemed like a blur in my memory and before you know it was back the next summer. It wasn't as bad this time but it was still a living hell.
Going to skip a couple of years after since I lost the determination to keep on writing, I don't want to keep on crying, and I've been writing for like 2 hours non stop. So now we're in present times. Im a horrendous, ungrateful, useless, idiotic, retarded, stupid, piece of shit who only ruins the mood of everyone around him. Before I end it there's one more thing I wanna mention. Whenever I was stuck in my room because I did something bad I remember hearing everyone else laughing and being happy, whether that be watching a movie or just talking. Without me in the picture you have this happy family. A widow mom who does her best to raise her children, a genius daughter who will surely succeed in life, a son who although has made mistakes is in the process of becoming a better person, and the cute little guy whom my aunt loves very much along with her other two children. It's almost as if I'm not even part of that family. It's although maybe I was a mistake that was never meant to be born (which I am). The truth of the matter is that is a useless mistake who everyone has to deal with on a day to day basis because I'm their responsibility. I know they won't say it to my face but I know that they wish I was never born. I can't bear it any longer. Why did I have to be born it wasn't even my choice. Why did I have to go through all that hell. Why do I have to be constantly insulted and belittled. Why do I always have to be known as the reatarded child of the family. Why do I always start crying when someone makes even the slightest insult towards me. Why am I such a useless piece of shit who masturbates to porn. Why am I even here.
I'm probably going to end it in a couple of weeks or months. Still looking through some methods of cbt that don't need materials that are hard to obtain but it's kind of relieving that I won't have to live on here anymore. Hopefully I stop thinking once it all over. Going to bed immediately after posting this so I won't reply to messages till later but feel free to ask questions. There was a lot of stuff I missed but like I said I don't feel like writing anymore. Anyways bye bye for now
