Discussion Does anyone get upset after they see a photo or video of themselves as a child?

[Die.A.Ria]

My dad just sent me a video of myself when i was about like 4 years old and it just made me cry so bad because in the video i was so happy and it was genuine and it made me feel so upset that her life has to end this way and what she had to go through

And it made me feel even more bad for my dad because i love him so much he truly cared about me and seeing him in the video too being so happy made me cry even more because of how bad i feel that his first child has to kill herself. i feel so guilty

 

[meowpuppy]

it makes me worse, but for a different reason. i was happier then, obviously, but my parents loved me more back then too..

 

[hdead]

Yeah. My mom showed me a pic at 2 years old in the lap of my grandpa and it caused me to weep. Such an innocent happy kid turned into... This? Yeah it was rough to see that.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

At least my parents have already passed, but yes.

 

[Tomorrow Is Today]

It sucks seeing that blissfully ignorant child with grand dreams. I think at every stage of my life I before mental illness struck, I had something to work towards and make life seem fulfilling. I'd give anything to go back.

So much potential and so much possibilities that isn't this current pathetic mess…

 

[lilb0wpeep]

It makes me sad and angry. Sad and angry because nobody helped that little girl, they hurt her and thought only to use her for their gain and power play. I wish someone had killed her, I wish that her suffering never led to what I've become. It makes me sad and angry I was never able to escape the feelings and pain I felt back then. That I'm still stuck hurting and just as if not more helpless then ever. That even I went on to ignore, demonize, and hurt that poor child just as everyone else did.
I'm sorry that I was never able to run away, escape into the corn field and fade away into death like 4 year old me would dream of at night.

 

[iguazo falls]

tbh i get upset but more bitter. i grew up with a lot of negative feelings, and i was often posted online without my permission or while i was upset. most pictures taken of me feel like they were to prove something rather than to capture what already was a nice moment. recently when i have had pictures sent to me it feels more like my parents are already grieving me, and i feel like they would rather look at the facade of someone not able to choose for themselves instead of truly seeing and understanding the person who i actually am. i will say there are specific ones from 3-5 that are innocent but the majority of photos i know i did not want them taken or was feeling like shit cause my parents were putting me down or something.

 

[interna]

I don't know.

Sometimes, I get sad and frustrated that little me had to go through the things he went through. Most of the time, however, I get happy about seeing myself end up this way. I hate myself so much I'm glad he's suffering and that this is all he's ever gonna be. I relish the knowledge that I have the power to kill myself, that I'm able to end this worthless, useless self, and that the kid I was is going to die alongside me. It's deserved. I don't think I feel much pity for little me. I'm glad he's dying too.

 

[Sims3losertrait]

It kind of just makes me hate myself because that kid had so much potential and I wasted it. I had a lot going for me. I was loved and whatever. That's more than a lot of people can say. Hell, there's a lot of people on here who are only ctb because they didn't have that. Maybe if they had what I had, it would have saved them. But it wasn't enough to save me, because I guess I just deeply fundamentally suck as a person or something.
I really wasn't failed by anyone in particular except myself.

Although there is this video of me around like age 5 where I'm reading Green Eggs And Ham really dramatically with my little speech impediment that I used to have and it still kind of cracks me up tbh. That one might be the only exception

 

[limenlux]

The last time I looked at an old childhood photo of myself I was met with the mildly perturbed gaze of a little man who had just been going through the motions since he was five.

 

[SASU-KE]

Yes,I was a bit chubby then.

 

[GroundControl]

It breaks me. I just wonder why everyone hated that baby so much. Why did nobody help her, when they all saw what was happening?

 

[ForeverOutcast]

Yes. I have destroyed photos because I hate looking at them.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

My dad just sent me a video of myself when i was about like 4 years old and it just made me cry so bad because in the video i was so happy and it was genuine and it made me feel so upset that her life has to end this way and what she had to go through

And it made me feel even more bad for my dad because i love him so much he truly cared about me and seeing him in the video too being so happy made me cry even more because of how bad i feel that his first child has to kill herself. i feel so guilty

I know I never was a happy and dandy child growing up. I have had lifelong depression ever since I was in kindergarten. I did wish I could go back in time to kill my little self so they wouldn't have to go through life. Some beautiful things deserve to be left untouched and kept intact.

 

[ceriseange♡]

Incredibly. It's where everything started but sometimes I look at that picture of a baby girl surrounded by love and warmth after being chosen to join their family (I was adopted from an orphanage in Iran) and think how I failed all of them and her by ending up here

 

[LessThanZeroOo]

I was quite ugly as a child, still am. Not that I knew it back then. I miss being innocent.

 

[crimsonpeaked]

YES

 

[Forveleth]

I was such a giant dork when I was a kid that it does not make me feel bad at all. Quite frankly, I am glad that I grew up and am not that little dweeb anymore even if this is how it turned out.

 

[gemstar]

My dad just sent me a video of myself when i was about like 4 years old and it just made me cry so bad because in the video i was so happy and it was genuine and it made me feel so upset that her life has to end this way and what she had to go through

And it made me feel even more bad for my dad because i love him so much he truly cared about me and seeing him in the video too being so happy made me cry even more because of how bad i feel that his first child has to kill herself. i feel so guilty

it makes me want to cry so bad that I physically cannot stop myself no matter how hard I try, this is why I try to avoid looking at photos from the past in general, I thought I was the only one who felt this way because I've never met anyone who did, but I never understood why I feel that way

 

[Passenger4224]

I get upset. I was miserable back then too, what upsets me is how it makes me think how selfish my parents were for creating me. I just look at the photos and say "look at this absolute loser child"

and then I also grieve the fact I was never able to have the childhood of a girl because I'm in the wrong body

I always wanted to dress like a princess, learn to dance and do gymnastics, become a cheerleader, play with dolls... I never had those experiences and it hurts so much.

 

[vanillacakeyyy]

my mother constantly said to me that i was a very happy baby always laughing and smiling... i don't know what happened

 

[libbionline]

I genuinely cry whenever I see old pictures of myself when I was 1-6 because I am someone's baby. I feel so disgusting harming myself, knowing I used to be so joyful and naive. I never felt so loved since I was a toddler. It felt like people actually cared about me when I was younger

 

[Mr.Ruben]

I have a great smile as a kid, I had trauma that my brain forced me to forgot about it, so I could not even remember hard times I had back then.

I look up to myself from the past. always knew what is bad and good, and now I fully consciously do bad actions to myself thinking if I ruin my life well it's is a good enough of excuse to ctb.

 

[violetforever]

it has to be one of my biggest triggers since childhood trauma is a lot of why i want to ctb. sometimes when i look at photos when i was little, i cant even recognize myself. i cant imagine what it was like to be so little, so cute and unflawed, so innocently carefree. then i see a photo where i do remember that moment the photo was taken or the age i was in the photo and i sink even deeper. i do remember. and they ruined me.

 

[thinvy]

yes, because she was such a sweet and innocent child. all the pictures we have of me pre-like 12ish are pretty exclusively from times we were going through severe abuse I won't be going into details about here. in most of them too, she didn't really have a solid comprehension of death yet. it makes me so sad knowing that a lot of them were from before we lost our father, and so while we didn't have the language for it yet because young people don't die; that's for old people, isn't it?— that little girl wanted to die so bad. she felt so sad and so alone except for when her dad was there, and then he left her and then died shortly after. she was so small and so sad and no one helped her. no one saw it
seeing pictures of what I know to be myself when I was small feels wrong because I'm not there. that little girl was doing her best to tell everyone that something was wrong, and she was hurting, and her brain felt like it was splitting apart and her imaginary friends were real and sometimes they're her. sometimes the friends in her head made her forget things, or she'd suddenly "wake up" not knowing what she'd just been doing. one of the pictures I remember the clearest, a younger me was clearly violently dissociating. I had no memory of that party at the time, aside from receiving a doll at some point.

life was so much simpler and I was going through so much less then than I did after then, but god. she was so little and going through so much, and yet she had so much love for the world. so much spirit and spunk and genuine excitement to grow up and be a good human that people would be proud of. now that same kid can barely manage to eat. or get groceries. work almost killed me recently, and I don't mean it driving me to off myself. I just accepted shitty treatment and poor working conditions and high stress in what should have been the easiest job in my location. I can't even bring myself to say she'd be disappointed in me because that little girl was so sweet and so gentle that she'd probably just say "you're trying your best. that's okay. not every day has to be perfect. 100% is supposed to be a special big deal, not all the time. can't be that perfect." even though she was in HELL with OCD telling her awful things about herself.

that little girl never had a chance, and she hasn't been me for a very long time.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Yes, I think if only she had known what was ahead of her could have ended it bac then and saved herself a life of misery.

 

[Grinchy]

I was on Google Maps yesterday looking at my old neighborhood. Very nostalgic, kinda sad how empty everything has become for me now. :(

 

[youdontseeme]

God yes. It was a simpler time without bills and politics and work to worry about, but also I was forced to live as a fucking boy so that was shit.

Tried to change my mom's contact pic of me as a kid once on her phone. She freaked out and now I haven't spoken to any blood relative in half a decade.

 

[itsgone2]

It's made me realize I wasn't raised.
I only now see the extent.
I don't hate them. But I was never taught anything. No skills. No life lessons.
I'm not exaggerating. Nothing.
My brother is already gone from suicide. I can't be far away.
So sad. They didn't know. My dad was so capable. Knew so much. What happened? How did i get none of that? Why be born so different?

 

[zxcvbn3857]

I see a child that had not the slightest clue of what their life would come to and think of the great things I wanted to accomplish.