Venting Etterath

[porkfriedrice]

Ever had that refreshing feeling of proudness after finishing an annoying task? It must feel nice. The feeling of finally finishing an arduous process will something I might only feel once in my life. And that might be the thing that takes my life. Why did you fail this test Shawn? Why are crying Shawn? Why aren't you happy Shawn? Why can't you just be a man Shawn? Can't you ever be like your brother? Why are you never showing any emotions anymore? Why can't you do anything right. I too sometimes wonder why I can't do anything correctly. Why do I choose to be a burden to my family. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate the fact I choose to do nothing. Maybe it's because I'm unmotivated? Or perhaps lazy? All the damage has already been done. My parents divorced. And now I have to carry a pocket-sized neutron star in my back pocket everyday. Even if I wanted to remove it, it would be impossible. Maybe it is possible, but I won't try. Not anymore. There's no point. My mom cries in her room sometimes. It's unimaginably painful for me to hear her every time. Knowing that I am the cause of her tears. Knowing that my parents were once in a beautiful star binary-system and I just came along to disrupt the orbital paths. Like a tiny planet that just had enough mass to disrupt 2 beautiful shining stars into opposite paths. Everytime I hear her cry, I walk outside and lay down in the grass. With the wind blowing past me. I just wish it would take off with me. But it doesn't. I'm still there, just staring at the night sky. The beautiful moon accompanied by the bright shining stars. It makes me wonder why I am still even here? What's the point of life? But trivial thoughts don't tend to matter to me anymore because there's just no point, so I just lay in the ground and eventually go to sleep in my bed. I would go to sleep at about 3 a.m, wake up at 6:30 a.m and repeat the cycle. That was my life until April 19th. I hadn't gone to the backyard this time because of my family, but I just choose to for some odd reason. The experience was the same like always, except I met a girl. She scared me when I saw her to my right. It was as if she had just manifested there out of nothing. She just stared at me and I stared back. She lied down next to me without saying a word. I did the same. I can't ever recall how I felt during that night. I just like to think I didn't mind, but I know I did. She wasn't a friend. She was just a complete stranger, yet I felt like she was the only one I had, as if I knew her my whole life. I had many friends from school. Or at least that's what I call them. In reality I know they don't care. They never ask me to hang out, or talk to me. Only when they had questions about school work, would they text me. Having her by my side made me feel... I just couldn't describe this feeling. After some time I got up and left for home. I looked back and saw her just laying there just watching me leave with sorrowful eyes, as if I was leaving my destiny. When I got home it was 4:24 a.m. Or that was what I could recall. I slept and woke up at 6:30 a.m as always. During school, I saw her. I never realized until now, but I had walked past her several times in the hallway. It was fourth quarter. Even today I know that I had never seen her before, but I feel like I had. As if she was just added to my memories. That night she was there. This time instead of her joining me, I was joining her. This became my new cycle of life. I didn't question it. This repeated for weeks until a 2 weeks ago. I heard my mom crying again. Thoughts ran across my mind. Everything became hazy, except for one thing. Go outside. I quietly opened my window and went out. I arrived to my usual spot at my usual time. As expected she was there. I joined her. I laid down next her staring at the sky. Everything was the same, until she asked me ,"I know the solution to your life Shawn." Her voice was light and harmonical. Her voice sounded as if it never told a lie, as if it was trustworthy. I looked at her and she looked at me. Her brown eyes were beautiful. But after the admiration, came panic with no shown emotion. I didn't really talk to females and so I was just a bit surprised. Out of no where I sayed," I'm fantastic! What's your name?" Two of my normal statements to people. I stated them as if they were programmed to be positive statements. Her light chuckle gave me butterflies. "My name is Shūen." I gave her a light smile. She went on to say ,"You know you have to kill yourself." My smile that I had constructed disappeared and with it so did she. I went home that night and hesitated on my bed. I walked into the kitchen. The sun had just started to rise. I walked to the sink and stared at the knives. I felt as if I heard footsteps, but as I turned around all I saw was her. She was staring at me. I look back at the knives and looked back at her. But she was gone. I look at the knives hanging down. All it takes is one cut. One cut to remove me from my mothers life. One cut to make everyones lives easier. One cut for that feeling of success, something that I had always longed for. But I couldn't do it that day. Everynight after that I go to the same spot, but she isn't there anymore. Maybe she moved away? Perhaps she got caught? Maybe one of those are true. I don't know nor care anymore. But what she told me that night stuck with me. Every single day after that encounterment, it made more and more sense. The solution. The purpose of my life. The way to release the pain that my parents had gained because of me. The solution was to kill myself. I hadn't realized it until I met her that I was just a planet blocking her light. The solution was so obvious that even an elementary school kid could figure it out. A week ago I had attempted another suicide. I tried to cut myself with a knife. I pierced the skin and tried to dig deeper. But I just couldn't, the pain was too much. It overwhelmed me, like a great wave sweeping down on a sand castle. I bled. The blood going down my arm into my hand. I raised my hand, which had blood covering my middle finger. It makes me wonder if this is truly what I should be doing, Maybe I should rethink my decisions? But I refuse, for too long I have procrastinated on everything important to me. This will be the last time I fail. I only wish to make everyone's life better. So people could have easier lives. And so I could have that feeling of accomplishment. I had tried many times but the pain was always too much for me. I had tried to search up different methods on the best ways to kill myself, but the sites that showed up were always about suicide prevention. I saw an article stating that Sodium Nitrite was the way to go, but the amount that should be taken varies. The type of painkillers that should be taken also varies. Does anyone know what to do? If so please tell me.