Unattainable666
Enlightened
- Mar 31, 2023
- 1,347
I woke up again this morning. Oh, how I hate the mornings. It's a blatant reminder of how fucked up my life is. I don't want to ctb because of a guy or because I/m alone. I want to die because I'm so fucking tired of living; of being emotionally, mentally and physically beaten up by other people. I want to die because of bad decisions I've made for so many years. I will die with a 40 year old secret. The secret that destroyed my life so many years ago. I'm old now. I see nothing good in my future. Just more pain, more tears, more frustration, more abuse. I keep thinking of the things I'll miss. Coffee (just like you Dad), the ocean, the wind in my hair. Are these things to live for? No. I'm afraid to die but I'm not sure why. Why wouldn't I want the suffering to end, the endless nights and mornings of crying until I have no tears left, the rejection of so many people because of my mental illness. It's so ironic if I had cancer people would surround me and possible be there at the end. But because I have mental illnesses, I'm rejected, abused and discarded. Chris was brave enough to die and she was alone. When those people killed her she was all alone, I wasn't there. I'll never forgive myself for that. When did my life stop? October 24, 1989, the day they killed my little girl, the day I should have died. I'm getting very close to leaving. Just getting in my car and going. I keep saying Im going back home but quite honestly I have no home. I havent had a home in a very long time. The pain is too much for me. I can't shut my brain off. I'm so tired of being abused by people who think they can get away with it and they're right they do get away with it. I cant tell you how many times Ive filed a grievance against an employer but the government in the US believes the employer has the right to abuse people with mental illness. Ive been diagnosed with pTSD, severe depression and anxiety. That was back in 1990. fuck Im sure there's more lurking inside me. i need to start getting ready to leave, to overcome what fear I have, to be brave like Chris and to join her. My method is sure proof. There is no turning back. As many times as Ive stated on this forum that I was ready I am ready now
