Exiled
I gave so many signs
- Jun 17, 2023
- 291
previous entry:
entry four
hi, i'm exiled. and this is entry five.
the central theme of my father's abuse was control. i wasn't allowed to pump my own gas, learn to make food or cook, nor was i allowed to even wash my own glasses every morning. apparently i'd do it wrong and ruin the "protective coating" because i'm too stupid to know how. i'm almost two months no contact with my family and i haven't been able to wash my glasses since he left. i've never done it, i'm scared. my glasses are pretty damn smudged and it's hard to see. my golden retriever has licked the frames, my makeup has accumulated into a cloudy, foggy streak of tan foundation with tiny splotches from rain drops and collected tears. every morning that i wake up and put my glasses on, i am reminded that even my vision is only permitted by my abuser. i can't even fucking wipe my glasses.
i know i need to learn independence. i'm twenty eight and i'm scared to do absolutely anything on my own. i'm reliant on people. people who seek out my vulnerability and then take advantage of it.
everyone who knows me says i'm so damn brave.
what would they do if they found out just how fucking useless i truly am?
entry four
hi, i'm exiled. and this is entry five.
the central theme of my father's abuse was control. i wasn't allowed to pump my own gas, learn to make food or cook, nor was i allowed to even wash my own glasses every morning. apparently i'd do it wrong and ruin the "protective coating" because i'm too stupid to know how. i'm almost two months no contact with my family and i haven't been able to wash my glasses since he left. i've never done it, i'm scared. my glasses are pretty damn smudged and it's hard to see. my golden retriever has licked the frames, my makeup has accumulated into a cloudy, foggy streak of tan foundation with tiny splotches from rain drops and collected tears. every morning that i wake up and put my glasses on, i am reminded that even my vision is only permitted by my abuser. i can't even fucking wipe my glasses.
i know i need to learn independence. i'm twenty eight and i'm scared to do absolutely anything on my own. i'm reliant on people. people who seek out my vulnerability and then take advantage of it.
everyone who knows me says i'm so damn brave.
what would they do if they found out just how fucking useless i truly am?
