Discussion Memory loss and depression

[brokenbone]

I would like to start off somewhat of a discussion about this topic in hopes of finding folks that experience the same thing as me and maybe gaining some tips on how to deal with it.

Most of my memories seem to fade into haziness until either nothing is left of them or only bits and pieces remain. It can be things I did, things I talked about to someone, or things I was told by someone else. Everything farther back than a month seems like it might just have never even happend in the first place.

At this point in life I am doing nothing but endlessly spin myself in circles, not going forward but only slowly degrading further into madness. So I can't say I'm surprised by my mental state degrading this way.

But it's gotten to a point where some memories mix together with other memories or even illusions and thus creating "wrong memories" that feel just as real to me. Some of these have been confirmed definitely false by people other than me (either the memory was completly not existing or it was mixing two totally different things together).

This part I am most worried about since without help from others I can't seem to trust my own mind anymore.

 

[Empty Smile]

I am the same. Things I did a month ago seem to fade away into existence, like it was either a dream or it never happened.

Anymore all I do is spin in circles. I'm just spinning more and more into madness and despair, and it fucks with my mood swings.

I don't trust help from others. By others, I mean therapists, doctors, and so on. I would rather trust my own insane mind before someone else tells me what my mind should be thinking.

 

[brokenbone]

I don't trust help from others. By others, I mean therapists, doctors, and so on. I would rather trust my own insane mind before someone else tells me what my mind should be thinking.

Yeah, I feel you. Something about people that essentially don't fully understand how you're feeling and only want to keep you alive for whatever reason makes me doubt their every step. No basis for trust.

The only people that confirm/help with my "false memories" are acquaintances online.

 

[Empty Smile]

Yeah, I feel you. Something about people that essentially don't fully understand how you're feeling and only want to keep you alive for whatever reason makes me doubt their every step. No basis for trust.

The only people that confirm/help with my "false memories" are acquaintances online.

Yep.... And I trust people on this site more than in real life. That should be the other way around, but it just goes to prove how society has fucked us up. Give us a pill, send us on our way and hope for the best.

 

[Ivenocare]

I noticed recently when thinking of past; I barely remember any of my childhood somehow.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Yes, this is very common with depression. I feel constantly spaced out, dizzy/dissociated, and like I'm exhausted and sleepwalking all the time. Life hasn't felt real for several years now. Along with all that come major problems regarding memory and concentration. I can barely function beyond very basic daily tasks.

 

[brokenbone]

I noticed recently when thinking of past; I barely remember any of my childhood somehow.

Yes! And I just know there's memories hidden there from way back as a child that haunt me to this day, even without remembering them. It's a hazy uneasy feeling.

 

[Empty Smile]

I noticed recently when thinking of past; I barely remember any of my childhood somehow.

Same here, I can remember some of it, but a lot of it is fading away.

The biggest thing I can remember is when I was 6 or 7, being in the dirt with all my cars and playing. Happy and not a care in the world.

I think it's odd how I can only remember some of the happy times...

Yes, this is very common with depression. I feel constantly spaced out, dizzy/dissociated, and like I'm exhausted and sleepwalking all the time. Life hasn't felt real for several years now. Along with all that come major problems regarding memory and concentration. I can barely function beyond very basic daily tasks.

Yea, today has been kind of feeling like I've been sleepwalking, like it's all a dream.

 

[Ivenocare]

Yes! And I just know there's memories hidden there from way back as a child that haunt me to this day, even without remembering them. It's a hazy uneasy feeling.

I also have a big disconnect with myself; just a year ago I could tell difference between reality and non fiction; I even told myself I wasnt crazy because i could tell... one year later haha

 

[brokenbone]

I also have a big disconnect with myself; just a year ago I could tell difference between reality and non fiction; I even told myself I wasnt crazy because i could tell... one year later haha

It feels like every passing year we become different people, doesn't it?

 

[SomebodyBroken]

I noticed recently when thinking of past; I barely remember any of my childhood somehow.

By the way, until you have raised this subject - I did not pay attention to that there are few memories of the identities or everyday life ...
although how to play the game - remained at a good level ... how does it work?(
maybe this SI works that way? gives us a "chance for a new life"? subconscious little studied ..

It feels like every passing year we become different people, doesn't it?

easy to check - remember the reaction to music or action in real life. if a year or a couple of years ago is the same, then you have not changed.

 

[brokenbone]

easy to check - remember the reaction to music or action in real life. if a year or a couple of years ago is the same, then you have not changed.

Ah, thank you for that. I'll try to use that as means of checking myself!
Though I fear the experiences will probably be clouded by my toxic mind and therefor will never be the same either way.

 

[Empty Smile]

easy to check - remember the reaction to music or action in real life. if a year or a couple of years ago is the same, then you have not changed.

I haven't changed. I still get the same dark feeling from that same music today, that I did years ago. I think I listen to the same music because it describes my life, and who I am.

 

[rata1]

I would like to start off somewhat of a discussion about this topic in hopes of finding folks that experience the same thing as me and maybe gaining some tips on how to deal with it.

Most of my memories seem to fade into haziness until either nothing is left of them or only bits and pieces remain. It can be things I did, things I talked about to someone, or things I was told by someone else. Everything farther back than a month seems like it might just have never even happend in the first place.

At this point in life I am doing nothing but endlessly spin myself in circles, not going forward but only slowly degrading further into madness. So I can't say I'm surprised by my mental state degrading this way.

But it's gotten to a point where some memories mix together with other memories or even illusions and thus creating "wrong memories" that feel just as real to me. Some of these have been confirmed definitely false by people other than me (either the memory was completly not existing or it was mixing two totally different things together).

This part I am most worried about since without help from others I can't seem to trust my own mind anymore.

i know this phenomenon too. its like not have lived my whole life. its like existing without living, doing things without deciding to do them. a bit like being under some kind of cheese dome (sry no other comparison). sometimes i forget simple things like where i just put a pencil 3 seconds ago, sometimes its more important things like awhole chapter of a book i read. but the worst is that i feel disconnected from my past life as if i didn't remember anything of my life. this is horrible because it kind of steals my identity. it hepls me to see that i'm not the only one that has to deal with this phenomenon.

 

[brokenbone]

i feel disconnected from my past life as if i didn't remember anything of my life. this is horrible because it kind of steals my identity.

That is describing it so very well. It feels very saddening on top of everything else.

 

[Empty Smile]

That is describing it so very well. It feels very saddening on top of everything else.

Yep, @rata1 described that perfectly. Look at your life now compared to then..... Are you the same person?

 

[Exile]

Yes. My big problem is short term memory, which is completely unlike the situation when I was young. Unless I set a reminder for myself, nothing gets done except feeding the cat.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Yes the loss of cognition n, memory, focus and concentration is scary. Also feels like I am an outsider looking in on my life and that I am not even part of this world. And the anhedonia. Can't even remember the last time I smiled

 

[SomebodyBroken]

Can't even remember the last time I smiled

Hmm, strange. on the contrary, I easily switch to fun, but when everything is bad (self-knowledge is a funny thing) then only music can help = \

 

[JadedGray]

I don't have problems with long term memory, only short term memory. It does seem like a lifetime ago, though when I look back at my past, especially childhood. It's almost as if it wasn't me that lived that life because it feels like how I'm living now is how things have always been.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Hmm, strange. on the contrary, I easily switch to fun, but when everything is bad (self-knowledge is a funny thing) then only music can help = \

Lucky you

 

[15dec]

Wow, I get the exact same thing everyone's describing here. Good to know I'm not alone. Usually everything I do feels like a dream nowadays and I'll forget things I've read/done almost immediately after. Or sometimes I remember something but it feels fake and like it never happened.

 

[Mogley26]

Yes the loss of cognition n, memory, focus and concentration is scary. Also feels like I am an outsider looking in on my life and that I am not even part of this world. And the anhedonia. Can't even remember the last time I smiled

Same here. A prisoner in my own body.

 

[Dandelion]

Oh god I think I couldn't relate to anything more than that. Most of my memories are locked up by trauma and even the happiest moments of my life, I can't recall them because they just fade, like nothing happened. 2014 and 2015 are like a haze to me, I don't remember almost anything of those years, my life passes just like a dream and I have a serious problem separating reality from dreams too. It sucks so much and dissociation doesn't help like at all.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

Ok so depression can mess with your memory a bit, but..

There is a condition called sdam http://sdamstudy.weebly.com/faq.html not a lot of research yet but ...

"SDAM refers to the lifelong inability to mentally relive or reexperience personal past events. " that about sums it up

I live with this, have always lived with this. So I can relate even if this may not be what is happening with you.

After a day I will know what I did factually but could not imagine it or live it, after a week ill still know i did it if someone reminds, after a year it's basically gone forever. I do retain some facts names of people i knew, places i lived or work.

I will struggle to connect the dots though and sometimes this creates false memories. example: I may think I dated Mary while living in XXX city and working XXX and the facts are never quite right.

They will be people I knew, places I lived and worked, but none of them really belonged where I put them in a timeline.

For me though it's not that they are false memories, I dont have memories at all but I will retain some facts and them jumble them so they dont make sense to anyone who might have known better.

Just thought i'd share in case anyone actually thinks they may have this condition. It is a thing but theres not a large knowledge base, or diagnosis, or treatment. For me though just knowing was helpful

 

[brokenbone]

Ok so depression can mess with your memory a bit, but..

There is a condition called sdam http://sdamstudy.weebly.com/faq.html not a lot of research yet but ...

"SDAM refers to the lifelong inability to mentally relive or reexperience personal past events. " that about sums it up

Thank you for the link, very interesting read.
Gladly I don't think this applies to me, since what I'm experiencing isn't "life-long" as far as I can remember. It feels like it's been building up the past couple of years.

 

[Retched]

My memory has always been crap and over the last year has gotten worse. I have to force myself to remember things of importance and it really is awful. I started a job last October during a period of derealization, insomnia and active suicidal actions and it took me forever to remember who even worked there. I had to learn a whole new skill set that I lied about having. It still stresses me to no avail.

Last year I forgot who I was. I didn't even remember that I knew another language. I look at pictures from the past and can hardly imagine I was that person. I rarely talk about myself or what I've done in life. Mostly it's because I forget. I'm jealous of people who remember "the good times" too. I used to drink a lot and smoke a ton of weed. Over the years I think it contributed to my memory issues. Yet it wasn't until psych meds totally screwed up my brain that I lost who I was. If I ever knew.

 

[StillWaiting]

Hi. I also have similar issue. I can barely remember things that happened the day before or two days ago.
It makes things really hard for me when people expect me to know something at work but I can no longer remember them at all.
These days if I really remember something I did, need to write diary to remember what I did.

 

[Donewitheverything]

I can't remember the majority of my memories from when I was younger than 5. And it isn't just my age, either; it's always been like this, even when I was just 6. Oddly enough, though, I can remember moments from when I was 3 and even 2 and a half; this is perhaps due to some of my childhood trauma. Though, as an adult, I can't remember things very well, either. I, at times, suffer from the Mandela effect and I usually have poor short-term memory. Sometimes people would say things to me and I can't recall what they said a few moments after.

I even forget important dates at times, hence why I rely on my smartphone so much to remind me of what I was supposed to do. I think a lot of it comes from my depression making it hard for me to focus, so I can't fully absorb what someone is saying to me or what is happening around me. Sometimes, I used to make promises I could not keep, mainly because I forgot about the promise I made... And this is why I stopped making promises, but I digress. I can tell a lot of people are annoyed by my poor memory, but I can't do anything about it; I've tried everything in my power, offering me minimal results.

 

[MAC10]

Yeah I can barely concentrate, forgetfulness, just my brain telling me it's rotting away even at such a young age.